I've been trying to modify my blog so I don't use javascript to show my archives, because my baby laptop which I totally love, has pocket explorer and pocket explorer can't read javascrit. Damn! Much as I love my baby laptop which is great for writing stories on Bart, Muni, etc, it's got way too many drawbacks when travelling.

You can log onto the Net but the connection is so slow. And there's no way to tell what your connection speed is either. I also can't load programs like Final Draft, the screenwriting software that everyone uses, so I can't write screenplays while I'm on the road. I can't even use the template I found for Word because pocket word doesn't accept template.

I'm going to have buy a laptop and I think I might just buy an old laptop. I mean, I don't travel that much and it's usually for vacation. I just need to be able to get on the Net at a reasonable speed and maybe work on a screenplay.

As you can tell, I'm getting ready for my vacation to West Virginia. My flight is at 7 am tomorrow, which means the shuttle freaks will pick me and my friend up at 4 am. I'm leaving my car at her house in Oakland so I can avoid those damned SF street cleaning tickets. Actually, it's probably cheaper to get the street cleaning tickets than to park, since street cleaning tickets are only $25 each.

My apartment is totally clean and everything is in its proper place. I just hate coming bck to a messy apartment. I'm looking forward to drinking moonshine and seeing the hillbillies in their natural environment. I just like that it will be different than San Francisco, which I am getting very tired of lately.

I loved that Rob Morse column in Sunday's Chron about what it takes to live in SF. Things are easier when you have more money that everyone else. Not that money really matters, but you need alot of it to make your life very comfortable here.

Some people mistakenly think that money is not spiritual. My guru used to always say, you can't meditate well if you're wondering about debts, starving and where your next paycheck is coming from. Besides if you're working like a dog all the time, you won't have time to meditate, go on meditation retreats and all the other things you're supposed to do if you're spiritual. Not to mention you need money to buy the books you have to buy, the equipment, the outfits, etc.

My guru liked when his students were financially independent only because then you're not a burden on him, other students or society. He hated bums and freeloaders. He said being a bum and freeloader was bad karma. I think he was right. He said everyone had a god given talent, and being a bum, a freeloader and living off welfare and others is not a god given talent. If you're a bum and a freeloader, you're not using your gifts and that's definitely bad karma.

I hate that stupid 9th circuit court of appeals decision which says the pledge of allegiance is unconstitutional. Some guy on the news said the 9th circuit court of appeals gets overnturned more than any other circuit court. It's so embarrassing too, because it's some nut case from California, Sacramento to be exact who brought the suit. I'm sure this lawsuit has just solidified in people's mind outside of California, that our state is full of nuts and flakes.

Now, I don't mind care if people are aetheists, but in my experience, aetheists hate people who believe in god and try to attack them at every opportunity. Aetheists just aren't comfortable with the fact that anyone believes in god. Most people who believe in god are comfortable with aetheists, but not those oh so politically correct, smug, aetheists who think they're intellectually and morally superior to everyone else because they don't believe in god. Have you ever noticed that the people who advocate political correctness the most, are aetheists?

Anyway, you've got this aetheist nut case trying to impose his religious beliefs on the rest of the country. It's so typical it's not even funny. And you just know that the supreme court will take up the case and overturn the ruling. And that idiot from Sacramento who brought the suit, you just know that he'll come back a toad in his next life.

I'm so glad I don't work in Finance anymore, especially with all these accounting scandals going on. All finance and accounting departments for every publicly traded company will be heavily scrutinized from now on.

In the 12 years I worked in Finance, I worked for three publicly traded companies. They all has suspect accounting practices. Two of the companies were traded on Nasdaq and the other one traded on the New York Stock Exchange. All three companies used Deloitte and Touche as their accounting firms, so I was never exposed to the Arthur Anderson folks. I knew people who worked there though since people in Finance and Accounting go back and forth between public and private companies.

I even have a Worldcom story in my closet. Actually, it's about their subsidiary MCI. I worked in the MCI finance department for about a couple of years. I remember one quarter back in the 1989, or maybe even 1990, my boss told me that there was some kind of tax write off that they weren't going to report because it would materially affect the stock price. He said if anyone found out, he would lose his accounting license. He said they were going to report the tax write-off in the following quarter, just not this quarter. At the time, I didn't think anything of it, thinking everybody does weird stuff with their books. However in light of the Enron and now Worldcom scandals, I guess he should be glad no one found out.

At the next company I worked at, the one traded on the NYSE, we used to report earnings growth all the time in our press releases, even though technically, the company never really had enough revenue to cover expenses. All of that company's revenue growth came from investment income. Since the stock market was booming at the time I worked there, my company's investment returns were phenomenal. I asked my immediate boss about it and he laughed and said, "Sad, isn' it?"

I used to wonder why those brilliant Wall Street analysts never caught on and questioned us, but they let it slide. I have since come to believe that everybody does it and knows about it, and it's okay. My boss's boss told me once, he was glad I wasn't an investment analyst because if I was, he would be afraid of me. I wasn't sure if he was compilmenting me or not.

At the third publicly traded company, I worked in the IT department for the CIO. She basically hired me to do all the finance stuff since she had a worldwide budget of $30 Million. I think I used to do the same stuff that got Worldcom in trouble.

On the news, they said that Worldcom had improperly accounted for $3.8 billion in capital expenditures. The neat little accounting trick that got Worldcom in trouble is you can amortize capital expenditures over time. I don't remember how it goes exactly, but it's something like 3 years for software and 5 years for hardware and furniture. Anyway, simply what this means is, if you bought say $1 million worth of computer hardware in 2002. Instead of having to report or incur the expense in the year bought, 2002, you can report the expense over five years or the useful life of the product.

I used to jokingly refer to is as the "corporate credit card plan" because amortization of capital expenditures works like a credit card, especially if you're one of those people who never pay your bills in full every month. Corporations, especially publicly traded ones love it, because they can use the amortization to offset higher than normal expenses and still report an increase in revenue which translates into earnings growth and then stock growth.

All companies would have loved to amortize Y2K expenses, but the SEC put at a stop to that. They said that money spent to upgrade to Y2K could not be amortized and had to be incurred in the year done. Since Y2K was an upgrade, it could not be considered new software or hardware. If the SEC hadn't put their foot down on this issue, I think we woudl have probably seen more companies charged with improper accounitng methods.
I spent two weeks going over FASB, the Federal Accounting Standard Boards, and looking up accounting cases to see what expenses you could be legally capitalized and still pass a public audit. Because of new accounting laws for intellectual property which came about in I think, the early 1990's as a result of computers and technology, companies started capitalizing like crazy and not just physical equipment, but employees, consulting fees, conferences, etc.

Since you needed people to build software or build hardware, all of their time, even the food they ate sometimes or even their plane fares, could all be capitalized and amortized over 3 to 5 years.

God, the stuff I used to put in my amortization column was just amazing. But I did my research and I was definitely following FASB rules and accounting cases. And when D&T came to audit me, I had my paper trail ready and so I passed my audit with flying colors.

Those accounting/finance people at Worldcom probably got a little too carried away when they capitalized $3.8 billion. I'm sure they started amortizing acquisition costs, because you could technically say that cost to acquire a company is directly related to the cost of bring a piece of software or hardware to the company. There are no hard and fast rules for amortization, since computers and technology really added a new dimension to the amortization issue.

The problem is if you start capitalizing stuff and saying that it's for hardware or software, you need to make sure that the hardware or software project is viable, actually works, actually goes to market. If the project doesn't finish, you have to eat the expense in the year you abandon the project, sometimes even in the year you actually incurred the expense. I wonder if this is what happened at Worldcom. They over amortized on hardware/software projects that failed.

I mean, Worldcom couldn't help it I guess. The went on a huge acquisition binge, bought out all these companies and just at the time, they finished the buyouts, the bottom fell out of Wall Street and they couldn't sell their hardware/software. All those hardware/software projects had to be abandoned because there was no one around to buy them. In the meantime, Worldcom had started capitalizing all the expenses and spreading the expense out over 3 to 5 years. And when it came time to report their earnings, they pretended like the hardware/software projects were stll going, when in reality they were actually abandoned.

Poor Worldcom. I'm just glad I don't have to deal with Finance and money anymore. It's such a dirty business. And it's like that I think at all companies, especially at the public traded ones.

My favorite finance story is from the NYSE company I worked at for five years. Our beloved CFO, who was on the wagon/off the wagon alcoholic, would go to a bar with the CEo and over senior VPs in the afternoon, drink like fish, when he was off the wagon, decide some time while drinking what our earnings should be. Then they would come back, drunker than hell and hand my boss a paper bar napkin. The bar napkin has the numbers we were going to report that quarter. It was our job in Finance to get to the numbers on the napkin and make it all look legitimate and be able to pass a public audit. And we could do it too. Sad isn't it?

Most companies are having such a hard time, especially with a substantially lowered stock market. If you think people made money during the dot com stock craze, think about corporations. All corporations have money invested in the stock market. But when the dot come bubble burst, regular people lost money and so did most companies.

I think that's why most publicly traded companies can't report any earnings growth anymore. They don't have their investment income returns to help wih their earnings growth. There are very few companies whose revenue pays for their expenses. Corporations are like normal people; they totally spend more than they make.

Where these financial scandas will lead is anybody's guess. I'm just glad at hell i'm not in finance anymore.

That book on prosperity I've been reading is so great. I've been doing one of the exercises where you list out your wishes from the past, present and future. For the past, you wish that things that happened to you had gone a different way. For the present and future, you wish for how you want things to be.

It really works. Something about this exercise really works. I've been in such a good mood lately. Today while driving home in the car, the CSN&Y song came on called "Love the one you're with". That song was my theme song in college. Out of sight meant totally out of mind for me, when I was dating, and I was your typical american college girl who enjoyed whomever I happened to be with at the time. Didn't quite make my dates and boyfriends happy, but what the hell, I was young and it was college right?

I was thinking about my crush guy and how much I've been missing him, which is so uncharacteristic of me. That CSN&Y song made me realize that deep down, I'm still a part hippie chick from the 60's who doesn't believe in missing a guy. Out of sight means out of mind right? God, there are a ton of men to be explored, to be known and maybe even sometimes to be loved. In my old age, I've forgotten this well know fact of life.

So, one got away. BFD! Out of sight is out of mind and out of my life. Like CSN&Y say in their song "when you can't be with the one you love, honey, love the one you're with, love the one you'r with."

I saw the play Buried Child by Sam Shephard on Saturday. What a crazy, crazy play and so representative of the energy of Sam Shephard's early career, with the crazy dysfunctional family and images of food.

I wasn't sure if the Saturday audience at ACT liked it. There were two people, older, much older, from Monterey complaining about how they didn't understand the play. Did they even try? One of them, an older woman, she must have been around 80 years old with her frail bony body, lifeless white hair and papery thin blue veined skin, told the usher that she wished ACT would do more normal plays, plays that people could understand.

What was so great about this play, was the abundance of young kids, kids who probably know about Sam Shephard, maybe were even familiar with his work and came to see his pulitzer prize winning play. The five young girls in front of me, so young, bursting with fecundity, spoiled innocence and youth, loved it as did I.

Everytime I go to see a play now, I notice this odd generation gap. There was a show on PBS about theatre and the narrator said that theatre as institution is dying. He said the theatre needed to attract a younger audience to keep it going. I wonder if what he said is true.

The older grey haired qtip audience want plays that they can understand. The younger ones want to be shocked. Do the older ones forget that they too as youth needed to be shocked. Is that what happens when you get old, that after a certain point you can no longer accept new ideas, new things. That one day you wake up and you find that you only want to listen to music from your generation.

Isn't that what all those oldies music radio stations are about? Older people only wanting to listen to music of their youth. Older peope sneering at and hating the newer music and calling it noise. Didn't our parents say that that to us?

In college, there was a sign on one of the bathroom stalls in the Theatre building, which said "We are the people our parents warned us about." Perhaps it would be more fitting as we grow old for a sign like that to say "We are the people we hated as kids."

So this is what watching the Food TV network does for me. A few days ago, I watched a special on baseball park food. Interestingly enough, with all the great food at today's baseball parks, there are more hot dogs ordered than any other food item.

So today while shopping at Lowe's, I found a hotdog stand outside and what do I do? I buy a hotdog with mustard, onions, relish and sauerkraut and I wanted to buy two, which is what I usually do when I go to a baseball game, but I decided one was wicked enough for me.

No more watching the Food TV network!

The movie Endless Summer is on TV and I'm watching and I feel like I'm 13 years old, because that's the first time I saw this movie. I've seen this movie like about a dozen times all before the age of 18 and it brings back so many good memories of home and being in warm water and body surfing and laying out at the beach on Sunday afternoons.

I also decided tonight that I'm glad I didn't pursue acting. The fun of being somebody else and doing it in front of other people has definitely lost it charm for me. God, you're like a trained dog mouthing somebody else's words, telling somebody's else's truth and not your own.

Writing is so much better! You get to do what you do in private and you get to create and speak your truth and no one else's. No amount of applause and face recognition is worth the opportunity to speak your truth for the world to hear.

I just saw the play Angels Fall by Lanford Wilson and I feel bad because the play was for the most part really boring. I don't know if it was the acting or just the play itself, or maybe it's me, because I'm so used to watching TV and movies, but plays are just boring.

First of all, the characters never talk like real people. Dialogue must always be snappy and sparkling and I don't know about you, but I've never been in a conversation where the dialogue is snappy and sparkling like it is on stage, or if they have spoken that way, they could sustain it for more than a few minutes. In a play, the sparkling dialogue has to go for over an hour, maybe even 3 hours.

Then there are those long monologues and speeches. God, nobody ever talks for more than a minute in real life. And usually if someone does like that, they're like some stuffy professor type or something.

I feel bad because I go to plays now and I sit there thinking, this is the reason why the theatre in America is dying. It's boring, stuffy and unrealistic and the stories and ideas being put forth seem irrelevant somehow.

And this play, Angels Fall, should be relevant because it's about people stuck in a church after some disaster. It's so 9/11. But, I don't know. Watching it felt so artificial. Has 9/11 made me think that theatre is so irrelevant now? Granted Angels Falls did premier on Broadway in 1982 and 1983 and was even nominated for a Tony award for Best Play that year, so it it a little dated, but it was more than that.

I think I finally got tonight that the difference between plays and movies, is a play is about ideas and doesn't necessarily have to tell a story. A movie is storytelling in visual form and can be about ideas, but the movie's job is to tell a story. A play doesn't have to tell a story. And this play did not really have a plot.

Two couples along with a priest and a young boy are stuck in a church in some remote part of New Mexico after a mining accident at a uranium mine closes all the roads. Thatt's the whole plot. The rest of the play shows them interacting, having conversations and telling each other and the audience the story of their wretched lives. There's hardly any action, just people walking off and on stage. The only action is in the dialogue, that sparkly dialogue, that artificial way people talk only in plays.

One could even say the title of the play, Angels Fall, refer to the three male characters in the play, who have all been put up on pedestals by their groups and by each other. In the play, we see that they're just human, not divine, that they have free will and choice and they sometimes don't make very good decisions. And in a secondary theme, the play was also about doing what you love doing and not letting anyone tell you to do otherwise no matter how well intentioned.

I'm going to have to think about this play some more. I can't tell whether I liked it or not. The author is no slouch. He won a pulitzer pruze for a play called Talley's Folly". So he has to be a good writer. But I didn't like the other play of his I saw, Redwood Curtain either. It's definitely just me and not him. I think I expected more storytelling and instead I got exposition and ideas, And it's the lack of storytelling that makes for a me, a very boring play.

I've been reading this great new book called The Dynamic Laws of Prosperity by Catherine Ponder. It has this one exercise where you write about things from your past and present that you wished happened or could have happened a different way. Then you can also write out how you wish things to happen in your future.

I did the past and present part of the exercise on a break at work and afterwards, I felt like a big burden had been lifted from my shoulders. I don't have a lot of regrets in my life, not big ones anyway, but there a few things I do regret. I also wrote down incidents I had with other people that I wished had gone a different way and I got a few insights into why certain people might have acted the way they did. I felt very compassionate even for the people who I thought wrecked havoc on my life.

What else. I decided I needed more underwear for my upcoming trip, so I went to Victoria's Secret again. I was actually standing in line with my purchases, when I noticed the cashier ringing up a bra for a woman that cost only $10. Like a mermaid siren calling to a love starved sailor man, I was drawn back to the sales bins of underwear. And like the sailor, my hopes of finding anything in my size and in a colour I wanted was once again dashed brutally on the rocks of nothingness.

What is it about bins of sale items that make me want to dig through judiciously hoping against hope of finding something that fits in a color I like? You can go to 10 different stores and look through all their sale racks and bins and maybe find one thing you like after hours of hours of digging and combing through the ugliest pieces of clothing imaginable. There's a reason why the Victoria's Secret sales bins are full of thong underwear. NOBODY WEARS THEM! Despite what the media may be telling you, nobody wears butt floss. The sales bins and racks at any underwear department are proof of this widely known fact.

The other thing to know about shopping at underwear sales is all the big sizes are gone, which leads me to conclude that most women in America and in the SF Bay Area have huge rears! The small and medium bins are full of underwear in great colours. The large and extra large bins are full of thongs and other freaky coloured underwear. Why they make underwear in freaky colours is a mystery to me. The stuff never sold when it first came out and it's certainly not going to sell now when it's dirt cheap. Isn't it nice to know though, that most women do have beauty standards for their underwear.

I wish I could date my marina hottie boy. He's just so cute. But I'm so clueless how to even attract a guy like him. I think he might have been a little interested before when we first me and then I blew it and now we're just friends. I tried to get over him and I thought I was succeeding, but the guy just haunts my mind. He is like so amazing, so cute and so smart. Maybe we have some kind of past life/soul connection or something, because this crush is just way too strong to be an ordinary crush.

But I'm so clueless how to get a guy interested in me if he doesn't show interest right away or if he did, I missed my window of opportunity. How do you I get the guy to be interested in me again.

We're at least friends so I think there's hope. If I get my act together, lose a few pounds, buy some pushup bras and start wearing low tops, because he likes women that show their assets. I would love to just date him at least for 90 days just to see if we're compatible at all, if the's the fantasy man I've made him out to be in my mind.

I saw Lagaan on Sunday and I loved it. God, I love Bollywood movies and this one was a doozy and a half. A 30's musical in an isolated indian village complete with singing and beautiful people. The star of the indian epic looks like the Krishna portrayed in all the posters you see at hippie shops and at indian grocery stores. Which fits just right, since the village has a Krishna and Radha temple and there's even a Krishna and Radha dance.

Any spiritual chick worth her salt fantasizes, thinks actually, that she was a reincarnated Gopi girl who sat at Krishna's feet. At least, all my friends did. I never did, but that's another story.

The movie credits said it was a joint Indian and Brittish production. Which is interesting, since the Brits were played so one-dimensional and mean. I was watching the movie the movie and every time the Brits were mean to people, I was chanting Bande Materam, which was the chant used during the Ghandi revolution to free India from Brit colonial rule. Bande Materam which means Mother I bow to Thee, the mother being Mother India. That and my vague memories of the Indian national anthem going through my head. You almost want to yell at the screen, see, this is a perfect example of white people colonialism at its worst. And the Brits paid for their meaness too. Today, the Indians rule the cricket world and the Brits are horrible at it.

I loved the music. I think I'm going to have to try to get the soundtrack for it. I might even have track down the videos/DVD for this movie. It was that good.

And the cricket. Well, at least I now understand cricket. It's kind of like baseball in an odd way and I'm sure baseball has its roots in cricket. You bowl or pitch, you bat, and you score runs, except the Brits do it all wearing whites just like in tennis.

And the dance numbers. They were a riot. The whole movie was entertaining. You never see anything that campy, fun and overly dramatic in Hollywood cinema today. We need more Bollywood to come to America.

Then I saw Mulholland Drive. God, I love David Lynch. He is so strange and wonderful. This movie made me want to go back and rewatch all of David Lynch's other movies because images from his other movies are repeated in this one. This movie was one of the most thought provoking movies I've ever seen in my life. I would put this movie up there with Bulworth, another movie which I totally loved. I wish I'd seen this movie in the big screen. I mean, Being John Malcovich was child's play compared to Mulholland Drive.

David Lynch is so spooky and scary and I love how he weaves all his various scenes together to make one cohesive whole. The movie got kind of odd after the woman opened the blue box and I was like "what the hell just happened". But then while lying in bed, I got it. The last scene of the movie is the blue haired woman saying "Silencio" which is that weird theatre of the absurd that was in the movie. I mean, only in LA, will you even see such existential bullshit being done.

At Silencio, the announcer guy keeps saying that what you're seeing isn't real. Which is actually kind of funny in a movie, which also not real and fiction. So it's like, it's a fiction within a ficiton, within a fiction, within a fiction of someone's mind. BRILLIANT!

What's real in the movie? Who knows? Does it matter? It's a movie whose very nature is to tell a lie and not to tell the truth. But we sit there in the audience expecting to see truth. Why? It's movie, not a documentary. The movie is not supposed to tell the truth, it's supposed to lie, it's supposed to stretch the boundaries of reality further, further than real life ever could. So in a cosmically absurd way, it doesn't matter that the story doesn't make sense, especially the beginning, maybe even the whole thing.

I'm going to have read reviews of this movie just to see what other critics have had to say.

I finally got around to seeing Star Wars, going so far as to seeing it at a digitial theatre, one of only two in San Francisco proper. I think there maybe one more digital theatre and it's in Marin near Lucas Ranch.

First off, seeing the move on a digital screen was amazing, especially since George Lucas shot the movie in digital. The sreen is so huge and the sound is great. There's just one problem. The screen is almost too big and there's so much going on in the whole frame that you have to tell yourself to check out the whole screen once in awhile instead of just focusing on the middle. Then sometimes, something on the side would catch my eye and I would stop paying attention to what was happening in the middle. Maybe the answer is to sit in the last row so you're further away? We sat in the middle.

Secondly, what a familiar sight the whole Star Wars logo is and that blaringly loud theme music. I jumped out of my seat and my friend Kim was laughing at me. Honestly, that opening note is so loud it's like a thunderclap. And what about the opening where they tell you what's going on. How familiar is that and how paradoied is that set up too.

The special effects were fantastic, although I couldn't help but flashback to all those making of star wars documentaries and picturing those tiny scale replicas Plus, with the advent of computers, I spent the whole time wondering what's real and what's computer generated.

And some of those backdrops were so beautiful, although I couldn't help but think some of the prettier scenes looked like something out of Thomas Kinkade painting, especially the ones at the lake. Maybe George Lucas has been spending time at the Thomas Kinkade store in Marin, which I think is now out of business. My friend guessed the lake site was the Lake Cuomo area in Italy and she guessed right because it was in the credits. I knew it was a shot from some Italian vista. Aren't all romantic scenes, no matter what time and galaxy they're from shot in romantic Italy?

The actor playing Anakin Skywalker was not cute. He had those bulging eyes like Susan Sarandon. Ewan Macgregor is definitely the better looking of the two. And Yoda too. Christopher Lee was great as always. The guy makes such a great villian. He was great in The Lord of the Rings too, only this time he even got to fight with a light saber. The old guy can definitely still move.

Rachel Portman was cute and I loved all her outfits and that whole no bra look. She's got a teenage girl's body and not really curvy enough to be playing a mid 20 something, which I think is Padme's true age. And yes, the first time she greets Anakin, she does sound like a Valley Girl from Naboo and not a princess or a senator. But you can see shades of Princess Leia in her daringness and her ability and willingness to fight.

And what about that Bambi scene, with Anakin and his dying mother. Was George Lucas taking a cue from Disney Land? Very Freudian. I'm sure there will be a ton of high school and college essays written about that scene. I think even Steven Spielberg had a Bambi and his dying mother scene in one of his movies, but I can't remember which one.

Then there was the execution scene which was right out of Russell Crowe's Gladiator. It's nice to know some of my favorite movies were echoed in Star Wars. My friend said it was more like a bull fight scene, except this time with space creature bulls. Even Anakin got to do the cowboy thing when he tamed the crazy creature with the horn.

And what about Bobba Fett? Wasn' t he just the cutest little kid? Was there some mother of a serial killer or other deranged criminal in the audience being reminded of her cute little son and what he grew up to be.

Then the last scene was like right out of Romeo and Juliet being married by the friar in the garden. How romantic!

It's like George Lucas tapped on everybody' s collective consciousness and gave it all back to aka Star Wars. Is that why the Star Wars series is so popular?

I liked the parallels that I saw in Attack of the Clones with the three previous Star Wars.

Anakin and Padme's romance mirrors Leia's and Han Solo's romance. Both mother and daughter had a thing for rebel types I guess.

Anakin and Luke, both liking to fix things, both on the desert planet, both disobeying their Jedi masters to help out their friends.

I'm sure there more but I just don't remember them right now.

Then the final shot at the end of the movie is the all the clones and they're playing the Empire theme song. You know the old dude senator is an evil thing. Why else would he be encouraging Anakin like that, making him think he's the next best thing to Yoda. The guy's got to be evil. Nobody is ever going to be better than Yoda!

But George Lucas did get the whole how you turn to dark side of the force right. My meditation teacher even talked about it. Doubt is the first thing. Doubt leads to distrust god and question what's happening all around you. You start to get mad a god, the force when events go bad, because you don't trust that it's happening for the good. Anakin definitely had alot of doubt in his heart when his mother died. Doubt opens the door to you thinking you know better than god, then the force, that you and not god, the force is the master of the universe. Doubt is the cause of all evil. I think Yoda would say a Jedi does not doubt the Force, a Jedi has Buddha like attachment and is a servant of god, unconditionally obeying and surrending to everything that is happening around him. In martial arts, they teach you that it is better to yield to an opponent than to fight him, because when you put up resistance, you lose your balance. You yield then your opponent is off balance then you strike.

Then there's that whole pivotal scene where Anakin and OB1 are in the cave with evil Count Dokuu. If Anakin hadn't charged, the whole Stars Wars series would have ended right then and there. No Darth Vader. But because Anakin was arrogant and thougtht he was stronger than the old dude, he rushed and was blasted. A warrior does not react out of anger or arrogance. There will always be someone out there stronger than you are. A warrior can only winning by cunning and by his own intelligence. Anakin has yet to learn these things.

But you know, Anakin is like a typical teenage boy, full of raging hormones. Just think the whole balance of power in the Star Wars universe was thrown off because of the antics of an arrogant, frat boy type, teenage boy. I'm sure there's another story like this around, but I can't think of one right now.

Now the question remains, how does George Lucas wrap up the story. How does Anakin finally turn towards the dark side. The seed of doubt is alreading inside him. Doubt opens a door to all the evil stuff like anger, revenge, hatred. I mean Anakin already did the slaughter the whole village thing, so there's definitely going to be guilt for that. And you know if you can slaughter the a whole village, why not entire civilizations, why not the whole universe. Is it true when they say all it takes it one baby step?

Then how is George Lucas going to resolve Padme getting pregnant? Darth Vader did not know he had offspring. There will have to be a separation between the hero and heroine. And how long before Padme gets pregnant? She is a virgin I think. Will it be the first night or will several months or a couple years pass. I say, the next installment of the story starts shortly after this story ended, while Anakin has all those raging teenage hormones running his brain. Anakin will be not be allowed to grow up and mature.

What about the plans for the Death Star? That doesn't come till years later, but in this installment you already see the plans for it.

I almost want to see the movie again, maybe in a regular theatre to see if digital really makes a difference. I saw Spiderman twice, I should at least see Attack of the Clones twice.

Water fasting today. Water fasting is supposed to be good for you, helping to clear your body of toxins and to break your addiction to food like anything chocolate. I had never done a water fast before until last week. A juice fast maybe, but never a straight water fast. I have such a thing about food too because I think I maybe hypoglycemic, meaning if I don't eat, I get totally nauseous.

But when I water fasted last week, shockingly enough, I didn't get nauseous and I felt fine. I don't know if this means my health is better or maybe I just had this belief in my head that if I didn't eat every 3 or 4 hours, I'd die. I just don't know. It's weird to think you can survive without any food except for water because it goes against what all the health books teach you.

I told a friend of mine about water fasting and she said that water fasting has been around for years, it's even in the bible. All the other religions fast too and do it regularly. It's hard to know who to believe anymore as far as your health. The health and diet industry is a billion dollar business and when money is involved, it's hard to know if you're really getting accurate information.

It's not like I truly water fast anyway. I always cheat a little and eat small bits of food but it feels like I still get the same benefit. Tomorrow I eat only fruit and veggies. Last week, I ate fruits and veggies whole and not juiced. This time I think I will juice to see if that makes a difference.

Last week I ate a huge fruit salad and it was so delicious and wonderful in this hot weather. Then I ate steamed veggies and I don't know. I spent my 20's eating bushels full of steamed veggies and brown rice and I just don't know if I can do it anymore. But then in my 20's I was running 20-30 miles a week and yoga was a breeze.

Speaking of yoga, I feel like getting into it again. I first did yoga when I was high school because I knew people who were practicing it. I had incredible flexibility back then from my gymnastic background and yoga was this ultra cool way to twist your body into all these weird positions. I borrowed a book from the library that showed some homely indian guy doing all these amazing things and I just did whatever positions I could, which was almost 80% of the book.

I never got into it as meditation practice. To me it was just fun, like aerobics, like exercise, like an extension of gymastics. Even after I formally joined a meditation group and was meditating 3 hours or more a day, I didn't do any yoga exercises. If I wanted to exercise, I ran. Running was like meditation for me.

Every once in awhile, I still did the few yoga positions I did remember, mostly because they were fun and I liked being able to stretch my body and yoga is such a great way to stretch.

But it was until 1998 that I actually take a formal yoga class. Whatever flexibility I had in my youth was gone and I struggled through most of the exercises. Interestingly enough, after three months 1/3 of my flexibility came back. I still don't think of it as meditation though. Meditation to me is sitting still, quieting your mind, seeing colours and auras and getting that incredible high. Yoga postures are like fun exercises to see if you can twist your body into a pretzel.

Now I feel a sudden urge to practice my yoga again. Maybe even get back into a class. I'd love to take it from this ballet teacher that I know. If I want to take yoga, I like to take it from a dance teacher. They bring all their ballet training and most of them have also had Alexander and Pilates training too, so it's like getting all three disciplines in one class.

The classes with the ballet teacher doesn't start till the fall, so I gues until then I'll practice it on my own. I went through my video collection and I found a bunch of yoga videos that I forgot I owned. I wonder if it's possible to get 100% of my youthful flexibility back. I used to do the cobra position and be able to touch my feet to my head. This kind of flexibility is my goal.

So the search for the perfect leather bag to hold a tablet and my mini laptop continues. The bag I really want is a coach leather large duffle sack costing $300, but I just don't want to spend that amount of money right now. I have the money to spend, I just don't feel like spending a large amount right now. Not after I've spent over $100 on trendy turquoise bracelets and earrings for my vacation.

I went to Stanford Shoppping Center to check out bags and sitll no luck. I went to Stonestown and saw a Tumi bag for $245. The Tumi bag wasn't bad but it was black and contrary to popular belief, black doesn't go with everything. Then I saw a two bags at Malm luggage. A Tumi grayish green messenger bag on sale for $80. Too casual for me. And then a real messenger type bag. Again, too casual to wear with suits I think. Then into banana republic to the men's section to look at their messenger bags.

These bags weren't too bad. All brown but god, so boring because they look like briefcases and way too big for me.

Then to Macy's, where I saw a guess bag that was half way decent, but again only in black. What is it with all the black bags?

Checked online and found only one decent bag at Nordstrom.com. A leather bag in the right dimensions, a backpak which also turns into a shoulder bag. Went to Nordstrom to see if they had it there, but of course, they didn't

I'm going to have to bite the bullet and buy the coach bag. YIKES!!!

Missing my marina hottie boy alot. I think it's all residual left over feeling from the crush. I wonder what hot hottie boy is doing now? Does he miss me as much I miss him? Somehow I doubt that. He probably doesn't even remember my name and if he did, he'd think I'm just some freak of humanity who washed up on his shore like trash.

He said Fire and Air make for a great mix. Do they? Marina boy exhausts me sometimes, mostly because I can't forget him. But I will, one day I know I will. I just wish that someday would come sooner than later.

I've been watching movies these last two days. 61* and Wonderboys.

61* was financed by HBO films and probably shown on HBO because it wasn't rated. I liked this movie. I only rented it because someone in my screenwriting class said it would be a good movie to watch as research for my screenplay. I found the characters very engaging and since it's a true story, very engrossing. The guy they got to play Mickey Mantle was very cute, which is an added bonus for any movie I'm watching. But honestly, I really liked the movie.

A great sports movie and still pretty current considering it was supposed to take place in 1961. There was Mickey Mantle, a Hollywood gorgeous bad boy, drinking and whoring around who came from a pool family in Oklahoma. A seeming victim of too much fame too soon since he joined the Yankees as an 18 year old and didn't even go to college. There was Roger Maris, the stoic family man who just wanted to play baseball and didn't know how to handle the press. If you get anything at all from this movie, and there's alot to get, it's if you become famous you had better learn about media/press management. There's the media who hyped both players either up or down, depending on how much either player sucked up to them. After watching this movie, I am convinced more than ever that you can't believe anything you read in the media.

Listening to Jim Rome show again and they're playing the Mark Madsen tape about him thanking his LA supporters in spanish. I've listened to this tape so many times. I think I like it as much as the Jim Mora meltdown after a football game he coached.

Anyway, then there are the owners, who wanted the players to do anything to get the fans to come to the stadium. And you wonder why we have a steroid controversy in major league baseball right now.

61* goes to show you that real life is always so much better than fiction.

Then I watched The Wonderboys, which reviwers really liked in 2000 when it came out. It's also one of the Marina hottie boy's favorite movies, you know, the marina hottie boy I used to have a crush on. I've been meaning to watch this movie, and Marina hottie's comment, made me rent it. I don't know. Maybe because I watched it late at night, but honestly the movie made me sleepy. It was so slow moving. Some of it was really funny, I'll grant you that, but those funny moments seemed far and few between. And then the ending just got so stupid.

Michael Douglas' character reminded me of too many guys I've dated. Middle aged, stoned, angst ridden, white male, bitter and drifting through life, wondering what went wrong when in their youth they were superstars. BORING!!! And probably boring, because I've dated these types before. Hell, the ex husband could have stood in for Michael Douglas' character and I've owned a pair of red cowboy boots since I was 22 years old.

I read the NY Times review of the movie and I agreed with them. It's a great movie idea but somehow it's a dud when watching it. The NY Times reviewer said that the screenwriter, who adapted the movie from Michael Chabon's novel of the same name, lifted dialogue right out of the book. And you could tell too. That part where Michael Douglas and Tobey Maguire are talking are so boring, so stilted, and not how real people talk at all.

I guess I could see how the reviewers liked it, because you hardly see this kind of subject matter made, but still. I don't know. Maybe it's because I watched Wonderboys the night after I watched 61* and the reality of 61* just seemed more real than the fiction of Wonderboys.

61* was so much more engaging about men and how they view and handle life. Wonderboys had too many made up plot devices like the dog dying, Tobey stealing the Marilyn Monroe jacket, etc. to make this movie very believable. I think Wonderboys was supposed to show the poignancy of a middle aged man, who needs to be rescued by some straight talking same age female. Michael Douglas' character came across as such a loser to me. He was a whining baby boomer, probably draft dodging male, who was wallowing in his own self pity.

The LA Times, sometime in the 1980's, had a article about the psychology of men who avoided the draft and went to college instead. The article said that these men suffered from middle class guilt about not going to war and had problems with commitment and avoided conflict and choice at all costs. Michael Douglas' character reminded me of this article.

What's probably true about Wonderboys is that there are many men in that baby boomer generation walking around like him. Like maybe some of the reviwers who liked this movie? Interesting theory huh?

God, do I really want to watch another movie about a seemingly privileged man freaking out about his life, which has all been a result of his bad choices? Rush Limbaugh would call Wonderboys, I think, the Oprahization of male movies. I mean, all the Oprah books were about women who made really bad choices in their life for obviously no good reason, at least the books never gave you really good reasons for why they liked fucked up their life. And Wonderboys is like an Oprah book, only it's a man and not a woman. But where Oprah books don't get a lot of respect, Wonderboys is considered a good movie. What gives?

Maybe I need to write the book, which reviewers said, is a tired old plot rescued by being very well written. Maybe not. I can't forgive a well written book if the plot is stupid. For most people, I know, it's the opposite. They won't put up with a badly written book even if the plot is good. I will.

As a writer of fiction, I am dishearted by what I'm discovering. Real life is so much better, so much more entertaining than a fiction book any day.

I went to the dentist today and I told my dentist that Paul, my ex-b who also goes to see him died. My dentist was so shocked because Paul had an appointment with him on Saturday and never showed up.

So strange to tell my dentist that one of his patients died. My dentist then told me one one of his other patients had a urinary tract infection and then died two days later. The girl was only 18 years old.

I guess you never know when your time is up. Then my dentist told me his sister died from lung cancer and she didn't even smoke.

Missed the whole eclipse thing because of my dentist, but I'll watch it on the news. I think I'm finally out of the Mercury Retrograde. YEAH!!! I can already feel it. I went to Macy's and bought one of those trendy tuquoise bracelets to celebrate. I love wearing oh so hip and up to the minute trendy pieces of cheap jewelry.

Other than my horoscopes freaking me out because it says some friendship with some guy is going to turn serious, which freaks me out because if it's who I'm thinking of, I'm like no way, the guy is way to freaky and creepy, even for me, I'm feeling good. Horoscopes are never right anyway, most of the time, except for stuff like the mercury retrograde. I wouldn't even consider this guy a friend since I've only know him a few months.

All the horoscope said was this:

There comes a point in any relationship when you realise that it has gone beyond mere friendship and become something else. If you are free to take it further, then this is an exciting moment; if you are not, then you have problems, because once this point is reached neither of you can simply walk away. The glue that stuck you together has dried, and it is impossible to pull the pieces apart without damaging them. This week's eclipse marks exactly this point for you; from now on whatever you are involved in will have important consequences, and you will be well aware of that. It's not a bad thing, by any means; but it's not a game any more, either.

God, how scary! That's why I almost hate befriending guys until I know that there's no danger of the friendship turning into something other than friendship. I am so sick and tired of losing male friends because they end up having a crush on me. It totally ruins the friendship and then they get all weird and can't talk to me because they want a physical relationship with me. And I just honestly want a friend and nothing more.

I hope the horoscope is wrong. If this guy is the one, then I'm totally fighting it every step of the way. The guy is nice and a good friend and all, but so not boyfriend material. He creeps me out for some reason and I don't even know why. He's weirder about food than I am, and I'm pretty weird about food. And I really only want this guy as a friend and nothing more. You know, it's always the ones you like whom you can't have and can't get and it's always the ones, that creep and freak you out, that you end up dating. What is up with that!

I went to watch the basketball boys again. It's funny how there's always one white guy who plays. Some guy asked me to play one on one again and this time I said, I was wearing sandals and couldn't play.

I'm thinking to solve the problem, I should take the locker room scenes out, but I think they're integral to showing the the state of my baseball guy's self esteem. I can also showcase his attitude and hot temper in a locker room fight with his team mates.

I rented the movie 61*, Billy Crystal's movie about Roger Merris' record. I bet this movie will have locker room scenes. The only other thing to do now is to spend all summer renting movies about guys playing on sports teams and studying their locker room scenes. What a drag! The locker room scenes are probably the weakest part of my movie, but since they open and close the movie, they have to be stronger.

Oh well, I guess I'll have all summer to work on baseball locker room scenes.

It's funny how you think you've found a solution to your problem and then it turns out the solution doesn't work at all.

I bought my baby laptop thinking it would be great to be outside in a park on a sunny day and write. Or, write at a table outside of a cafe. Write outside anywhere. So today, since I had o go to my optometrist at the Embarcadero and pick an eyeglass case up, I decided to try and write while having lunch at those tables right in front of Justin Herman plaza.

I go, I buy some lunch at the japanese place that's right there and I grab myself a table and eat. Then I open up my laptop and low and behold, I can't see a damned thing because the sun is too bright. I tried to adjust my screen and I still couldn't see anything. I play around with the contrast for 10 minutes and finally I can see the screen, sort of. It's still very dark and I can barely see it.

I try to edit a story and but then I just completely gave up. What a joke! I buy the damned thing to write outside then when I finally write outside, I can't see the stupid screen. There's got to be a better way to do this! So much for my dream of writing outside in parks. I guess if I do this again, I will have have to sit in the shade, but the who the hell wants to sit in the shade when it's sunny outside. I am pissed and bummed! There's got to be solution to the glaring sun problem; I just don't know what it is yet.

In frustration I leave to do some research on how real men really talk. Someone in my screenwriting group suggested I go and check out the basketball games in the panhandle, so I can hear how "real jocks" talk and try to write it in my baseball screenplay. I'm like whatever, but I decide to give it a try anyway.

I get the court and sit down and watch these guys play basketball for an hour. I'm not sure what they all thought with me sitting there watching them. It was loud and I couldn't really hear what anyone was saying other than alot of fmbombs words and alot shot shit words said like it had two syllables. The basketball kept coming my way, which was kind of annoying, but other than that, I didn't hear anything really new about the way guys talk.

It's not like I don't know how guys talk, I do. I just didn't have the guys in my screenplay swear alot and some of my reviewers found that very unrealistic. My male reviewers anyway. I think I'll have to rent some videos to see how other screenwriters have handled it.

They didn't swear at all in the movie The Rookie. I mean I'm sure some guys swear but not all. In fact, I thought the guys at the basketball hardly swore at all. Maybe it was because I was there or maybe guys just don't swear that much, especially the young ones, because it was mostly young guys there, I don't know.

It was an interesting scene to watch. The guys reminded me of little kids at a playground and how you have to all get along. Then watching the guys, I also was reminded of physical a game basketball is, especially on defense. Some of the kids had great moves and they all do a good job of coaching each other and calling fouls. Actually, the funniest part was watching them argue over travelling, double dribbling, fouls and who was out and not out of bounds.

I think I might go again tomorrow and maybe sit in a different spot. I couldn't really hear well where I was sitting. If the guys were arguing and talking, it was on the side of where I was sitting.

Guys are funny though. As I was getting up to leave, one of them asked me if I played and I said no. I lied to him because actually I do play, but it's been years since I've played. And besides, I was wearing sandals anyway and couldn't play. I guess dummy guy didn't see that. I would only play basketball with someone I was dating anyway or wanting to date, because it really is such a physical game and I'd be rubbing up against the guy constantly, which would be fun if I really liked the guy I was playing with, but not so fun with a total stranger.

I guess it still must be a Mercury Retrograde because now I'm listening to Harvest by Neil Young. It all started on the way home when I heard Old Man by Neil Young on the radio. All of sudden I remembered that I had an ex-boyfriend named Phil, although I called him Drew, who used to sing me this song on his guitar.

Drew was a fellow student I met while interning in Washington, DC. He lived across the hall from me and my room-mate and so we became friends because of proximity. His room-mate also went to my school, but I didn't know him very well.

Drew had a car so we were always piling into his car to go out drinking in Georgetown or Dupont Circle. I don't even remember how Drew and I got together. I think we were all together at some bar in the old part of DC, in some club that was across from the Corcoran museum or was it the Portrait Gallery. Was it the Up and Down Club? Who knows. They had a tarot card reader upstairs who everybody said was the best in town.

Some old boyfriend of mine had shown up at the bar and he was coming onto me. I think I came on to Drew just to make this guy jealous. It was either at this bar or maybe that night we all watched fireworks and listened to the symphony on the mall for Labor Day. Or was that the time I met Rich, some other guy I think I bopped whiled in DC? It's all so hazy now.

Oh my god, I feel really bad. I cannot remember how I met my old boyfriend Drew. I'm sure it's in an old journal of mine somewhere, but I'm like, does it really matter now? No, I'm sure it was at that club across from the Portrait Museum.

Drew was from New Jersey, Bergen County to be exact. I cannot remember the name of his town, all I remember is that it was in Bergen County. He went to some school I'd never heard of in South Jersey. He had that accent that was like a Bruce Springstein song. Maybe that was the attraction? He was also a fellow acquarian which was a trip for me.

He was a nice guy, definitely not quite my type, but he was very sweet and he had a car, and when you're a 21 year old girl in DC without a car, dating a guy with a car was a good thing.

We went to all the colleges and universities in the area to party. He chauffered me around everywhere, even to go shopping. I'm not quite sure why he went out with me. He told me I wasn't his type either, but he liked the fact that was I very intelligent. His parents loved me, which I found strange. When I first met his mom, she said I was too pretty for her son. I don't think Drew agreed with her. I mean, I think Drew thought I was cute and everything and the sex was fantastic for both of us, but I don't think he was quite enamored of my looks as his parents and especially his mother was.

Not that Drew was Mr. GQ either. He was kind of slob really and he was already losing his hair at 21, but he did have that car and a ready supply or marijuana and other drugs. Did I forget to mention that? Drew dealt drugs on the side. God, was I like a shallow drugged out 21 year old or what? Hey, dating a guy with drugs is much better than dating a guy who doesn't have any. Besides, he wasn't the first drug dealer I dated, but one of many before him and afterwards.

And it's weird because it's not like I did alot of drugs either. But I don't know. I just happened to always meet and then get subsequently asked out by drug dealers. I guess I should feel flattered because drug dealers can probably get any drugged out chick they want, but they chose me and I wasn't even a habitual drug user. Drew was very generous with his drugs too, sending me a monthly supply and even hash once, which was so divine.

God, I still remember that time Drew and I were shrooming back in house in South Jersey on spring break. I was so paranoid. I thought the cops were going to come and bust us. When someone did come by the house, it was to buy some drugs. Then other friends of his came by and we headed for Atlantic City and the next thing I know, I'm in the Playboy Casino at 1 am and staring at Playboy bunny girls. After a tour of the casinos, we decided to go to this bar for drinks and everybody got carded except me. The doorman just let me in. Nobody could figure it out.

One of the guys asked a bartender and he said they don't card any girl with a guy who looks like she's under 18 and he said I looked around 13. I told him I was 21 and legal and he said it didn't matter. It was an Atlantic City rule. Whatever. What a weird rule. I guess there must be a lot of guys bringing very young girls to the casinos, bars and clubs and doormen are trained to look the other way.

I had my first taste of chili cheese fries that night. What a weird night. Drew and I were still so high. We walked on the beach and on the boardwalk and then ended up at a donut shop so we could scarf donuts.

Poor Drew. I think the guy really like me, but I had to break up with him. Drew was working for Common Cause and he was Mr. Environmentalist. He started his school's recycling program. God, he even dragged me to a meeting to meet the founder of Common Cause. What a drag. We were all sitting around a table and we had to say why we were interested in saving the environment and I was so not at that age. I felt so stupid when it was my turn to speak, but I think I must have BSed my way out of it, because Drew said I gave a good answer.

Anyway, Drew kept asking me why I was breaking up with him and I said, and I think I actually believed this at the time, that I saw a future where I was a corporate lawyer and he was an enviromentalist big wig and that we would be on opposite sides of a case. I think about that now and I'm like, god, how pretentious or what? I think I said, I didn't want to be in the position of having to be married to some guy who was running an environmental group that was suing my company for its environmental practices, especially if I was going to the head lawyer to take the environmental group down.

God, what a laugh! I never did go to law school and I certainly never worked for a polluting corporation.

I can't wait till this Mercury Retrograde is over because I hate all these old boyfriend memories.

I think I am getting old. Why? Because I have a hard time hanging out with people I barely know and I don't think I ever had this problem when I was younger. I've been hanging out alot with my screenwriting group. I think I've seen them almost every week since May 16 and it's freaking me out.

It's difference when you're in class because it's a classroom atmosphere and you're doing work and not socializing. Now I'm seeing these people socially and I hardly even know them and it's just too much for me, to be with people I barely know that much. It's a total sign of age. Plus, I am so not one of those california types who easily makes friends and just as easily loses friends. I make friends for keeps, forever and it takes me awhile to get know people.

Usually, I only get to know people I click with right away, so when you start hanging out socially, it's so cool because you both get a long like a house on fire.

Now I'm with these people, some of whom I don't really click with and we've been hanging almost every week and I am being driven insane.

I think sometimes I am just complaining and whining because it is nice to have people to hang with, but I don't even know if I even like these people yet. I take a long time to decide whether I even like a person or not, even longer to decide whether I want to spend alot of time with them.

Time is like this special thing and you just can't spread it around and waste it on people you don't know. It's too exhausting! I feel like I don't have a life and that's such a big lie, because I do have a life, did have a life before I met these new people.

I'll have to think about what to do. Part of me wants to just drop out and not be in the group anymore. I feel like I have no boundaries and I don't like that. I never got into the fluid boundary thing. But this is a good sign because I'm usually so boundaryless, so maybe I've learned to take care of myself finally.

I feel bad because I am turning into such an antisocial freak! But I'm tired and I miss my personal time.

I have a feeling that if I ever become successful as a writer, that this is how my life is going to be. Hanging with people I barely know. There has to be a better way for me to socialize with people I barely know.

I wonder if this kind of stuff goes on back east, where everyone is much more formal about friendship. Do they have this instant friends problem?

So I'm still fuming because this guy that I barely know one-upped me last night and it totally made me mad. Here's what happened. I mentioned that my favorite movie was The Matrix and he starts telling me that the movie is an allegory for the new testatment. And I'm like what? What the hell is this guy talking about? I think I was mad because I hadn't thought of this connection before and it pissed me off that this guy, who I didn't think was all that bright, thought of it before me. Then what's worse, I had to admit to him that I was only arguing with him because I had to admit that he might be right.

GOD!!! I felt like I was back in a corporate board room where I was the only woman in the room and some jerk off in a tie was one-upping me in a meeting and embarrassing me in front my boss. And it's such a guy thing to do, to totally one up each other all the time, whatever the time and place. And I had to get used to it if I was going to climb the corporate ladder where I was most of the time I was the only woman. I hated having to learn to do the one-up thing. But what I hated most of all was being one-upped by some corporate goof off.

I know women are supposed to want to climb the corporate ladder and break the glass ceiling, but what it does, what all that climbing really does, is make you think of every man you meet either at work or socially, as a potential competitor, as a potential jerk who's going to embarrass you and one-up you in front of people you know, as someone who stands in the way of your next promotion, the enemy really, the guy who's standing between you and the corner office. And it really doesn't matter if you meet a man socially either. You get the same feeling.

My best friend says this isn't a way to meet a man and find my soul partner, not if every man is at some point going to piss me off because he one-upped me or make me respect him less because I one-upped him. It's twisted, totally twisted.

I don't know how to get rid of this feeling either, because I was in one-up mode for so long. What's worse, I got good at it too, the one-upping thing, but I hated myself the whole time I was doing it because I felt bad about having to be so competitive with a guy. A male friend of mine says guys don't take the one-upping thing personally, that it's just a thing that guys do with each other and they don't think anything of it.

But god, that guy I barely know just pisses me the hell off. I feel blindsided, only because I think I totally underestimated this guy and I got caught unawares which makes me so mad.

My best friend also said that if I get into a one-up game with this guy I barely knew, then he'll start treating me like a guy and not a girl, and I'll get caught up in the one-upmanship game, which I totally hate.

I don't know though because now all if I feel like is I just want to one-up the shit out of him and wipe that stupid smirking smile off his stupid face. I'm like way too emotional about all of this. I think the best reaction for me right now, is to not have a reaction and to wait for my anger to go away and for god's sake, not try to one-up this guy, not when I'm in this emotional state, because right now I'm too mad and not thinking straight.

What a situation I've gotten myself in. I thought once I stopped climbing the corporate ladder, I'd never have to play one-upmanship game every again. Boy, was I wrong!

I feel like I've been running around like a chicken without a head since I didn't make any concrete writing goals after I finished my screenplay. I finished my screenplay on May 6 and I've been on vacation for a month, which has been fun but definitely directionless and a little depressing. Depressing only because when I'm not writing, I start focusing on the petty things going on in my life. Writing grounds me to what is real and important in my life. Thank god for my bloggie though, because without it I wouldn't be writing at all, well except for my daily journal.

These are my summer 2002 goals.

1. Rewrite # 1 of Playing Catch with Dad Screenplay - rewrite to be complete and ready to be handed out for review in group by August 5.

2. If Rewriting class firms out for an August start date, then finish second rewrite of screenplay by 5th session of class.

3. Finish Rewrite #1 of Crazy Eddie by June 15. Don't forget the Beat Sheet

4. Finish first draft of Shopping Center Carnival by June 30

5. Over vacation in July - finish first draft of scifi comedy short story working title - The Girl from Planet Orr. Story to be based on the function of the conjunctions - and, but and or, not quite conjunction function, but close. More like a love story between the girl from planet Orr and the man from Planet Annd, plus I'm throwing in the people from planet But. Not sure if this will work as a scifi story, but what the hell I've had worse ideas. First draft to be completed July 15.

This is sad. I'm like one of those people who need goals to get anything accomplished in my life. Talent in writing is such a subjective thing. Who knows if I have talent as a writer? What I do know is that I can set goals for myself and then complete them and discipline and work seem to be integral to the writing life. Everything else that comes along in my life, seems to trivial and minor compared to my writing. I was a workaholic in previous jobs so maybe I'm just tranferring all my workaholic energy to my writing. Who knows? Writing is becoming essential to me, like breathing and eating. I have to write at this point in my life, whether I want to do it or not. Kind of drag in a way, to be tied to some thing outself of yourself, like your writing, but fun too because writing is a creative act which enriches your life in every way.

I think I must be more of a romantic than I thought, because I just rented and watched the movie Serendipity and totally loved it. It's so sappy but so damned romantic. I love the concept of the universe giving you signs to show you who you're supposed to spend the rest of the life your with. Not sure if I believe in the concept that there's only one true love for you, because then the theory begs the question, well, what happens if you don't find that one special person. Does this means you're screwed forever and will live a life of patheic loneliness?

John Cusak looked very thin and very young. I think he's older than 35, the age he's supposed to be in the movie, so maybe the film makers made him lose weight. Cusak is usually very appealing and he was, but I couldn't take my eyes off the veins bulging in his neck. He was definitely way too thin. He looked much better in that movie Grosse Point High with Minnie Driver. He looked more muscular and more like a normal guy.

Kate Beckinsale was her usual cute self, although she looked very thin. Maybe she always was really thin and I just never noticed it before. God, who was the freak that played her new age boyfriend. He was so scary with his bushy long hair and asian outfits. Total pig of a guy masquerading as a SNAG - the sensitive new age guy. His character should serve as a warning to all women. Just because they're SNAGs, doesn't mean they won't treat you like shit and be a total chauvanistic pig to boot.

Somehow John Cusak's character doesn't come across as a SNAG. He's more like a overgrown confused college boy, which has its own appeal. But Cusak has never been a SNAG in any of his movies, although his body proportions in his movie was screaming SNAG.

I also rented K-PAX which I actually enjoyed. The funniest bit was when they were driving to the space observatory and Kevin Spacey saw a balloon with an alien on it. How funny is that. Then Spacey watched the alien balloon flying up to the sky. I was laughing out loud.

Spacey is such a technically brilliant actor and god, there's just something very charismatic about him, even if you couldn't see his eyes for most of the movie. It was all in his voice. He's like a voice out of the Jetsons. Cosmic.

Jeff Bridges was his usual confused self. Typical for him. I think his best portrayal was in The Fabulous Baker Boys.

Even the ending of K-PAX was interesting. It really made you think. Did Spacey take over the body of the killer and use it for his own. And if he did, then that explains the theory of alien possession. But if he didn't, then the crazy killer guy has one hell of an imagination. But then how do you explain Spacey's ability to see ultraviolet light and him stumping the astrophysicists. And what happened to the woman in the who couldn't speak?

I loved all the crazies in the movies. There were so appealing and funny. I felt there characters were written with such compassion and humor. I loved when the crazies saw the blue bird of happiness and how excited they were. I love it when I see blue birds, which I also call blue birds of happiness. Does this mean I'm like one of the crazies in the movie? Isn't it scary when you see behaviour that you do done by crazy people in movies? Does this mean if a movie was ever going to be produced about your life, that you'd be portrayed as a crazy person in an asylum or if not, your behaviour would remind people of how crazy people are portratyed? I really liked the crazy people and totally empathized with them. What this empathy means I don't know.

I really liked the soundtrack for the movie. I loved all those Nick Drake songs. Maybe I need to buy that retrospective of Nick Drake, the singer from the VW commercials. I don't really like his kind of music, but they were very appealing in this movie.

I wonder if the universe will lead me and show me the signs to my soul partner for life. I hope so. That would be so cool. I think I need signs because I'm catholic and well catholicism is all about signs, or at least that's they teach you or what I got anyway. I believe so totally in signs and if I don't get signs, I so don't believe what's going on or at least I don't believe they're not really ordained by god. So I totally need my signs, especially when it comes to love.

Dogtown and Z-Boys is one of the best movies I've ever seen of its genre. It ranks up there with my two personal favorites,Endless Summer 1 and Endless Summer 2. I remember seeing my first skateboarding championship in 1975. It was so radical and so hot. I was too young to know who it was, but my little girl memory tells me the dude was cute as heck with his surfer dude long hair.

A fascination with surfing, skateboarding, canoeing, windsurfing and ocean kayaking is one of the few things I've held onto from my island girl days, when I was flitting around in a bikini, body surfing and dying to date a surfer type guy. I love the whole surf/skateboard and the whole water sports sub culture, only because I grew up with it and hell, I even had my own skateboard and was pretty darn good rider for a girl.

Oh yeah, I forgot. I love BMX bike riding too, only because I used to dirt ride down hill with my bike and pop wheelies and try to do all kinds of tricks. I was quite the tomboy. I was thin and I had short hair and no rack whatsoever and guys wouild come up to me and ask me if I was a boy. Then puberty hit and the rack got way too big and then the hips, weigt and everything else came and well, welcome to womanhood. What a drag, at least at first, until boys noticed and then it was Hello Bikinis, long hair and trying to figure out the best way to shave your legs and underarms so they were ultrasmooth and sexy.

I read the review for Dogtown in the Chron and the little man was sleeping, but the NY Times gave it a great review and now I know why. If the movie ever comes out on DVD or video, I'm definitely going to buy it. I wish they'd put out a soundtrack to it too. I should see if they have a website so I can send them an email and let know them how much I loved the movie. I think I could watch that movie over and over again and never get tired of it.

That movie brought back one of my goals, which is to collect all the surfing and skateboarding movies and DVDs out there. You know, start my own beach bunny girl surf and skateboard movie collection. I used to love to skateboard too. I never tried surfing, but sandsurfed, bodysurfed and boogie boarded instead. Also tried windsurfing in Bali once and ocean kayaking in Mexico, right where they filmed the beach scene in that movie Y Tu Mama Tambien. I haven't seen the movie but from the promos, I recognized the beach and rock, only because I kayaked everyday around that rock. I guess I'll have to see the movie just to see if the area is Huatulco, a resort area I vacationed at one December.

What else? I bought some running shoes and didn't play cheap for once and spent $85 on a pair of running shoes. I tried on about 8 pairs before deciding that I should stick to my favorite brand ASICS. I was dying to buy a pair of New Balance shoes, because everyone says they're much more comfortable, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I've always worn ASICS running shoes. I ran three New York City marathons in ASICS running shoes. Why jinx myself now?

I mean, not that I'm in the shape I was when I ran marathons, but it's hard to give up a shoe brand you've always had good luck with. Do guys feel the same way about their equipment?

I've been wondering, since the Ken Caminiti interview, what it would be like to be a guy. If your testorone levels drop, do you become more like a woman? If so, how? The olympic athlete guy who called up said he couldn't make love to his wife for years, why? Because of loss of testerone? I've read that loss of testosterone in men leads to decreased sexual desire. But women don't have alot of testosterone and they still have sexual desires.

I do have some friends who have gone through menopause and they said that the loss of estrogen decreased their sexual desire, so maybe it's the same for women too.

I wrote a screenplay with a male character and I don't think I did my baseball player dude any justice. I just don't know what it's like to be a boy and feel like such a fraud writing about the male experience. I've always tried to believe that everyone, men and women, are the same, but I'm not so sure anymore. I think men and women feel all the same things, but they just process it differently. It's the difference I think that I underestimated.

But I like men, adore men, worship them sometimes even, because they are so different, or at least they appear to be. Their bodies are harder, hairier, they think differently too, although I think it's rare that a man would admit it, SNAGS, Sensitive New Age Guys would deny it to their dying day, which is why I try to never date SNAGs. But I live in Northern California and SNAGs are everywhere, so one can't but help dating one now and again, although each experience has never been very good.