I'm listening to John McCain's speech. You gotta hand it to the republicans. The demos make you feel darn guilty you're an american, like it really is all your fault. Such thinking is really a simplistic view of the world and politics. The GOP makes you feel proud to be an american, which can feel good. But like the Demos, another childlike and simplistic view of world and politics. Neither side is right.

The truth as always is somewhere in the middle, and neither side owns it. Yes, America does bad things, but so do a ton of other countries, and I don't doubt that if other countries were in our position, they would be acting probably the same way. History is replete with non-American countries trying to take over the world. The Brits tried it, the Spanish tried to, the russians, any country that was dominant in their time tried to spread their influence. It's not just an american trait, it's a human trait. And surprise, surprise, Americans are human just like everyone else.

Since the GOP convention is going to be on TV this week, a friend of mine pointed out some personal good news to me. "At least the red-haired marina frat boy is a registered democrat ... it's about time you dated someone from your own political party...wink, wink, nudge, nudge."

I don't know, but this comment makes me chuckle.

My life is full of virgos. I was raised by two of them, and somehow I've fallen in love with three of them in the last five years.

Today is Grandma's birthday, so Happy Birthday to Grandma up in heaven!

It's either today or tomorrow (can never remember which), but here's wishing my former best friend/love of my life, a 5th generation West Texan whose family helped settle the panhandle, a big ole' Happy Birthday!

So I guess if I was really serious about my writing, my schedule would look the one I have planned for this week while I try to finish my screenplay.

0.5 – 1 hr eating – 6-7 pm
2 hours writing screenplay 7-9ish - by 9 pm republican convention is over
1 hour workout - 9 – 10 pm
1 hour meditation – 10-11 pm
1 hour misc – 11-12 midnight

Does like my schedule look bleak or what?

My schedule is usually this:
5:30 - 7 pm - write/snack
7-9:30 workout
9:30 - 10 pm - eat a late dinner
10-11 pm - 1 hour meditation
11-12 midnight - misc

I'm not sure my regular schedule is that much better.

So I'm back to tracking my calorie count on an excel spreadsheet. I'm amazed at how much I actually eat. I'm such a snacker. I could probably graze all day on food like a cow, and eat full meals as well and be pretty happy. But then my clothes won't fit and that would upset me.

I started on Saturday, and I can already see a difference when I try on my jeans. I kept thinking I was at the point where I could eat whatever I wanted and my weight would stay stable. Boy, was I ever wrong! I'm going to have to watch my calorie intake for a long time, until I guess I just get used to eating less, if that day ever arrives.

Updated the books I'm reading at the left, and some of the information. Just finished reading "The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde and Other Tales of Terror" by Robert Louis Stevenson." Stevenson is an interesting writer, and I want to read all his books. I kind of remember reading "Treasure Island" and "Kidnapped" as a kid, but it's all very fuzzy so I borrowed them from the library and plan to reread them.

Stevenson wrote this one short story called "Olalla", and there some amazing lines about love at first sight in it.

"My foot was on the topmost round, when a door opened, and I found myself face to face with Olalla. Surprise transfixed me; her loveliness struck to my heart; she glowed in the deep shadow of the gallery; a gem of a colour; her eyes took hold upon mine and clung there, and bound us together like the joining of hands; and the moments we thus stood face to face, drinking each other in, were sacramental and the wedding of souls. ... The thrill of her young life, strung like a wild animal's, had entered into me; the force of soul that had looked out from her eyes and conquered mine, mantled about my heart and sprang to my lips in singing. She passed through my veins: she was one with me. ... I could not doubt but that I loved her at first sight, and already with a quivering ardour that was strange to my experience."

I especially like the phrase "...drinking each other in, were sacramental and the wedding of souls". It made me think about that fateful flight when I met red-haired guy ... was our meeting sacramental, and did we drink each other in and had a wedding of souls? Red-haired guy said our first meeting and conversation was like "soul-mates". I actually remember seeing him in line, while I was waiting at the gate at Southwest. He got my attention because of his red-hair. He doesn't remember seeing me until he was about five rows from my seat, and he said to himself "I'm going to sit next to that cute girl, and I hope she has personality."

I also picked up the book "Story" by Robert McKee, the screenwriting guru in the movie "Adaptation". He has a seminar in LA in December that I'm thinking of going to, just to see what he's like.

I read through McKee's book, and then got really, really depressed. Screenwriting is such hard work for me, and there's just so much work involved than I have the energy to put into right now. I just don't think I see stories visually. David Mamet said the same thing too, when he talked about translating his stage plays to screen. You have to be able to come out with a visual way to telling the story, instead of having the actors speak on stage.

At this point I just want to finish my baseball screenplay, send it off to that screnwriting teacher in LA to get an opinion, rewrite it based on his feedback, and then register the screenplay with Writer's Guild, and then finally submit it to this website for consideration, maybe send it off to a couple of agents in LA, and then be done with forever! And go back to working on my unfinished, count them, three novels.

I kind of feel like I'm banging my head against a brick wall with the screenwriting thing. It's just not an easy style for me to write in. The only reason I'm writing the baseball story as a screenplay was because it made sense as a movie, rather than as a short story or a novel. It just intuitively felt like it was a visual story. If I could turn it into a novel, believe I would because screenplay writing is just no fun.

I will write one more screenplay, my endless love reincarnation comedy, because that's another story that only can only be told as a movie and not as a short story or novel, but that's it, no more screenplays. And no adaptations either of my novels either, let somebody else slave over that work.

I want to watch the GOP convention this week, and to write a screenplay I have to write at my computer at home, so I'll have the tv on in the background and I'll be writing away. Red-haired guy is on the road at some other trade show, so he won't be a distraction, and then he's going to see dad and brother out of state on Labor Day weekend, so I have all week and weekend to finish the screenplay.

I missed my red-haired guy, but at the same time I do have the freedom to work on my writing if he's not around. I mean, either way with him would be hard. If he was here and worked close by, I think I'd resent the amount of time I'd have to spend with him and how much it would take away from my writing. But he's not here and works in LA and travels for business a ton, and I resent how limited time we have to spend together. I can't win either way.

Red-haired guy's birthday is coming up, and I'm going to tell him how much I love him on his birthday. It's such a corny present I know, but I don't know, it feels like the right thing to do. He's already told he loves me and I haven't ever returned the favour, although I did say it a couple of times when I've left him voicemails.

And I do love him, because somehow in the last couple of weeks I felt my heart opening up physically and red-haired guy just kind of stepped in and now he'll be permanently lodged. Love is such a gift from god, and red-haired guy is definitely my gift. He came so unexpectantly, when I was really, really depressed at my wit's end in July, and I really didn't care about meeting another guy and was pretty much resigning myself to being single and alone. I don't know whether we have a future or not, but for the short time I've known him he's totally made me happy, plus he's already fulfilled some long held fantasies of mine. Gotta give the guy credit for that.

He's just so refreshingly honest, says whatever is on his mind, doesn't try to pull the Mr. Mysterious John Wayne thing, wears his heart on his sleeve, is so affectionate, doesn't hold back, and is just plain fun and exciting to be with. I never met a guy like him before, I didn't know guys like him existed, never knew what a joy and open person can be in one's life. He just totally opened himself up to me, and it's been impossible for me not to fall for him.

But just because I love him, doesn't mean we have a future. It takes more than love unfortunately to make a relationship work. And I want "bashert", my perfect fit, my perfect puzzle piece, and I won't settle for anything less. Red-haired guy may not be my perfect fit, but he'll always have a piece and place in my heart for the rest of his life. Now that's a nice birthday present isn't it? to know that someone out there totally loves and adores you for the rest of your life?

I haven't been posting lately. I had dental surgery on Monday to have my gumline moved on the right upper part of my mouth, so I've been on some serious painkillers all week. By Thurdsay, I was pretty wiped out and exhausted.

I didn't work out all week because my mouth was throbbing in between pills, and I didn't feel like writing either. I did manage to read three screenplays though in preparation to start working on my screenplay again.

I read "The English Patient", "Frequency", and "Bruce Almighty". A friend fro LA said to read "The English Patient". I never liked the book, and was so so on the movie. Reading the screenplay wasn't much better for me either, although I finally did figure out what the whole story was about.

I still really like "Frequency" only because it's a quasi-science fictiony type movie about going into the past to change the present. Not sure if I wrote about seeing "The Butterfly Effect", but I really, really liked the concept of the movie. I think I "butterfly effected" my own life when I wrote to the red-haired guy that I was having buyer's remorse about turning him down.

I think in my heart of hearts, I would love to be able to write movies and stories on the level of "Frequency" and "The Butterfly Effect" because they're so fantastical, so science fictional but no too out there, and they deal with regret over things done and not done, and that everlasting feeling that most people I think have, that things in life would have turned out differently if only I had done a certain thing.

"Bruce Almighty" was just such a cute movie about God, and wishing you could have the power to make things happen differently and what would happen if you really could and the effect of having all your wishes come true. I've had plenty of fantasies in my life come true. Believe me, sometimes it's not a fun thing and causes way more problems than solves them.

Isn't such a universal human feeling, to wish things had turned out differently in your life than they did, to want to go back and change things, or to have the power to make your every wish come true?

I don’t know if the changes I’m going through have anything to do with that funny little emotion called "love" or, I’m just getting old and have matured over the years to where I’m much more willing to compromise a bit more when it comes to relationships.

Back in 1999 I was having issues with Steve, the man I’ve dubbed "the one that got away", with him having reddish hair, his travel schedule, and the fact that his job and his home was down the Peninsula and not in San Francisco. I had to think long and hard about whether I wanted to date someone who didn’t live and work in the "City". At least I remember thinking to myself, I didn’t have to cross a bridge or go through a tunnel. No B&T guys for me. And I’d really have to love someone to even consider seriously living anywhere besides city and county of San Francisco. And thank god at least Steve’s idea of a vacation from The Inn at Spanish Bay in Monterey, the guy was seriously Mr. Luxury Hotel guy all the way, and he didn’t drive a car on the banned list like an SUV (he drove a black lexus).

So flash forward to 2004, and now I find myself thinking I’m in love with someone who:
1) works in LA during the week
2) has double the travel schedule of Steve
3) lives in the east bay (a big no-no with a bridge to cross)
4) has absurdly reddish hair and yes it’s the real thing and not highlights from a bottle or from the salon.
5) whose idea of vacation is real outdoor camping like with sleeping bags and tents
6) drives a huge monster SUV
7) and, who I would seriously consider moving to Marin with only because he wants to move there (talk about a big no-no, we’re talking a bridge and a tunnel to cross.

As I read this I laugh at myself because I’ve always had to compromise about music tastes. Steve was into Andre Bocelli and red-haired guy has on his IPOD Bruce Springstein (okay not a bad choice but he wouldn’t be on my IPOD, Jackson Browne and Bryan Adams. Bruce Springstein I can understand, but not more than one song by Jackson Browne and Bryan Adams. I don’t even own any songs by either artist. I love Springstein’s ballad "Meeting Across the River", and the only Springstein album that I can listen to all the way through is "Tunnel of Love".

Okay, okay, I didn’t look through red-haired guy’s whole IPOD. I mean he at least had Elvis Costello’s greatest hits, but when I saw all those Jackson Brown and Byran Adams songs I was bit put off and didn’t want to freak myself out too much.

I've been thinking about what it means to be "open-mindeded", and received the following definition via email today.

This week’s featured strength is Open-Mindedness.

People are very open-minded about new things…
as long as they're exactly like the old ones!--Charles Kettering

Definition
·Open-mindedness is the willingness to search actively for evidence against one’s favored beliefs, plans, or goals, and to weigh such evidence fairly when it is available.

·Being open-minded does not imply that one is indecisive, wishy-washy, or incapable of thinking for one’s self. After considering various alternatives, an open-minded person can take a firm stand on a position and act accordingly.

·The opposite of open-mindedness is what is called the myside bias which refers to the pervasive tendency to search for evidence and evaluate evidence in a way that favors your initial beliefs. Most people show myside bias, but some are more biased than others.

Benefits of Open-Mindedness

Research suggests the following benefits of open-mindedness:

.Open-minded, cognitively complex individuals are less swayed by singular events and are more resistant to suggestion and manipulation.

·Open-minded individuals are better able to predict how others will behave and are less prone to projection.

·Open-minded individuals tend to score better on tests of general cognitive ability like the SAT or an IQ test. (Of course we don’t know whether being open-minded makes one smarter or vice versa.)

Open-Mindedness as a “Corrective Virtue”

Social and cognitive psychologists have noted widespread errors in judgment/thinking to which we are all vulnerable. In order to be open-minded, we have to work against these basic tendencies, leading virtue ethicists to call open-mindedness a corrective virtue.

In addition to the myside bias described above, here are three other cognitive tendencies that work against open-minded thinking:

1) Selective Exposure
We maintain our beliefs by selectively exposing ourselves to information that we already know is likely to support those beliefs. Liberals tend to read liberal newspapers, and Conservatives tend to read conservative newspapers.

2) Primacy Effects
The evidence that comes first matters more than evidence presented later. Trial lawyers are very aware of this phenomenon. Once jurors form a belief, that belief becomes resistant to counterevidence.

3) Polarization
We tend to be less critical of evidence that supports our beliefs than evidence that runs counter to our beliefs. In an interesting experiment that demonstrates this phenomenon[1], researchers presented individuals with mixed evidence on the effectiveness of capital punishment on reducing crime. Even though the evidence on both sides of the issue was perfectly balanced, individuals became stronger in their initial position for or against capital punishment. They rated evidence that supported their initial belief as more convincing, and they found flaws more easily in the evidence that countered their initial beliefs.

What Encourages Open-Mindedness?

·Research suggests that people are more likely to be open-minded when they are not under time pressure. (Our gut reactions aren’t always the most accurate.)

·Individuals are more likely to be open-minded when they believe they are making an important decision. (This is when we start making lists of pros and cons, seeking the perspectives of others, etc.)

·Some research suggests that the way in which an idea is presented can affect how open-minded someone is when considering it. For example, a typical method of assessing open-mindedness in the laboratory is to ask a participant to list arguments on both sides of a complicated issue (e.g., the death penalty, abortion, animal testing). What typically happens is that individuals are able to list far more arguments on their favored side. However, if the researcher then encourages the participant to come up with more arguments on the opposing side, most people are able to do so without too much difficulty. It seems that individuals have these counter-arguments stored in memory but they don’t draw on them when first asked.

Exercises to Build Open-Mindedness

1)Select an emotionally charged, debatable topic (e.g., abortion, prayer in school, healthcare reform, the current war in Iraq) and take the opposite side from your own. Write five valid reasons to support this view. (While typing Catherine’s idea, I had a related one of my own: If you are conservative in your political beliefs, listen to Al Frankin’s radio show; if you are liberal, listen to Rush Limbaugh! While you are listening, try to avoid the cognitive error of polarization described above.)

2)Remember a time when you were wronged by someone in the past. Generate three plausible reasons why this person inadvertently or intentionally wronged you.

3)This one is for parents: Think of a topic that you consistently argue about with your teen or grown child. Now, take their position and think of 3 substantial reasons why their point of view is valid. (This could also be done with spouses or any family members for that matter!)

It's so funny to read my neurotics posts about my red-haired guy. I am so "in love" with him, it's wild and so unprecedented. Maybe he is a huge lesson for me in how to love unconditionally, because no matter what he does or doesn't do I'm still into him.

I'm like so feeling the transformative power of love, and it's a feeling I've never ever felt before. I feel and see myself changing daily, and I find it fascinating. I would so become an "LA poodle" girl just for him.

But I think he is trying to change for me as well. He made a comment about his drinking and how he drinks alot, something I've never commented on. He also used to say this one phrase constantly, which I swore to god if I heard him say one more time I would slap him, and for whatever reason he's not saying it anymore. He also made comments about how he does work a ton, which doesn't leave us much time to see each other. Well, that and the fact that he does work in LA and is only here on the weekends.

He also used the "G word - girlfriend" inadvertantly, and I called him on it and he tried to excuse himself out of it saying I was a girl and a friend. And I'm like whatever because he already more than abused the "l word - love" with me.

But I love being in love, and I feel love vibes from my red-haired guy all day and all night long and I hope it's him thinking of me. And I try to send him love vibes all day and all night long with the message that I totally adore him. Ahhhh, romantic love is such a fun little trip.

I didn't get to see him this weekend because he was way too busy, and I started seriously panicking and thinking gloomy, gloomy thoughts. But then I told myself that there's no urgency to see him like we only have a short amount of time to see each other and then the whole thing will burn itself out. I have the feeling my red-haired marina frat boy is going to be around for a really, really long time, and we all have all the time in the world to see each other.

So I just called him and left a message saying I missed him something awful, and I needed my red-haired guy fix, and I hope I get to see him soon.

I've been diagnosed as anemic. Apparenty I'm not getting enough iron, despite the fact that I take an iron supplement every day. I've been diagnosed as being anemic off and on since I was 22 years old, and it's kind of drag. Being a semi-vegeterian doesn't help the cause because the easiest way to get iron is to eat red meat. But I hate being anemic because I thinks my struggles with weight and digestion stem from me being anemic and not getting enough amino acids. It's such a drag.

So I'm now embarking on a modified Atkins diet, and I'm going to try and eat red meat for six months and lots of veggies, but no dairy and no pasta, rice or bread. And lots and lots of olive oil, because supposedly olive oil helps with digestion.

I started on Friday, and it hasn't been too bad. I thought I would be really freaked out, because I only ever eat food like steak about once every five years. I think it helps that I'm buying really expensive steak, the kind that costs $25 a pound, so at least it's not fatty and full of chemicals. Organically raised beef - doesn't this sound like an oxymoron? And I'm only eating a little at a time. Like I bought one filet mignon, and had the butcher slice into four pieces so I can eat one per meal. I'm using my George Foreman grill to grill the steak, and I don't use much oil at except to coat the grill.

I mean, I do eat meat like chicken, fish and pepperoni on pizzas, but not very often, and never red meat unless I'm craving fast food burgers.

I'm eating steamed and then pureed dark green leafy vegetables and beets. I can't digest veggies and fruit without my stomach going crazy, so I'm steaming everything and then pureeing it so my body can absorb the nutrients from the veggies without making me run to the bathroom.

When I worked out today, I did notice that I wasn't tired as I normally get when I run and my energy level is steadier. My stomach for once is also calm, and I'm not running to the bathroom constantly.

I'm rationalizing the whole experience by saying to myself, well, it's only for six months, and six months isn't going to kill me. Then maybe my digestion will improve, I'll lose some weight, and I will be able to go back to the way I normally eat. And hopefully, I won't be anemic anymore.

But I'm also wondering if I'll start smelling like I eat meat. People who eat meat have a different smell than people who are vegetarians. You can totally smell meat on their breath constantly. It's like so gross! I'm sure I'll start smelling like I eat meat now and grossing myself out if and when I catch a smell of my breath. How scary!

You know you would think with the amount of food I consume, and the vitamins I take that I wouldn't have this stupid anemia/digestion problem but I do and I hate it. I mean what's the point of me being neurotic about my health if in the end I'm still anemic and unable to properly digest fruits and veggies. It's so unfair. Some people have the worst diets, don't take care of themselves, and dont' have half the health or weight issues that I do. I'm serious, life is so unfair sometimes!

I kind of feel bad about not wanting to see the guy I think I have such a crush on, but it's the way I feel. I don't know. I'm not ready to invite him over to my apartment yet. This is my private space, my sanctuary and I'm not really ready to invite someone else into my space.

It's a trust issue thing I know, so I guess after a month of knowing this guy I still don't know whether I can trust him or not. I mean, I barely know him and yes it's been a month but I'm like it's going to fast and I need to slow it down.

I know I'm having issues with him because I really wasn't expecting the thing to go this far. I honestly thought the whole thing would burn itself out by now, but it doesn't look like it has. Yes, I like him and I'm doing the girlie thing and totally dreaming about our future together but then there's the other part of me that wishes my life would return to normal because all my issues about being in a relationship are starting to come up.

I'm not bored yet, and he knows that and that's one he's got going in his favour so far. It probably helps he's also got a really strong ego, and doesn't seem to get too put off by me.

And what's really weird for me that's going on at the same time, is I feel the need to get my writing thing going again. To take it more seriously, to finish stuff so I can start sending stuff off to publishers, magazines, etc. That's like four things I have to deal with; my life, my job, my writing life, and a new guy. That's alot. And I'm like thinking, this why people don't have hobbies and only work and have relationships. It can get very overwhelming.

I'm like thinking, okay if I'm going to be dating a guy, I need to get my act together. I need to bring more to the table. I need to start doing the thing I think is my purpose in this life. And even when I'm doing my meditation CD, I get the intuitive message that I have to write more, take my writing more seriously, and that my writing is the key to everything. I'm also getting the feeling, and this is a weird one, that whatever I was suppose to accomplish with my writing has already been done in some other future time, and that I just have to figure out how I did it, how I got there. Isn't that a strange feeling? It trips me out and doesn't make any sense at all to me.

But then again, I may also be PMSing because it's like that time of the month again, so who knows what I'm really feeling or thinking.

And he already called me a "crunchy granola" girl, which I am, and I'm trying to break it gently to him that I am way more crunchy granola than I let on, and that to him I'm like a "total hippie chick". Which is a laugh, because I think most of my friends know I'm really not a hippie chick. I just have major hippie cick tendencies, even though I don't dress the part or wear that awful patchouli smell. I don't think he liked the fact that told him I sleep on a rock hard futon on the floor, even though it's been the best thing for my back and health and I'm like the only person I know who doesn't have some kind of creaky back problem.

I tried to like tell him I'm very high maintenance and neurotic about my health, but I don't think he quite gets the full impact of that. I am truly a mess, a total mess. We haven't even gotten around to a discussion about religion and spirituality yet. I don't even know I want to go there with him, because obviously it must be not that important to him if he hasn't brought up the subject yet.

God, I hate this relationship thing. It's so hard for me because I'm like half hippie chick, half kind of conservative girl. Guys tend to get really freaked out if they think of you as one thing, and you turn out to the exact opposite.

Sometimes I hate that I'm like half a hippie chick, but I can't help it. It's the way I grew up. I kind of like that part of me too. It keeps me healthy, wrinkle free and happy because it manifests itself in the way I eat and take care of myself. The hippie chick part also influences my interests to some extent, but thank god not my politics, my attitudes towards money, and my attitudes towards beauty. Plastic surgery and waxing every hair off your body are good things. I got the hippie dressing, musk wearing, not shaving of body hair stuff out of my system in college. That whole hipie girls look like is like so college girl to me, and I'm so over that.

So the red-haired marina frat boy called me at work this afternoon. I wasn't expecting to hear from him, and he caught me off guard. When he was called I was in very bad mood, and I think I was really mean to him. He was trying to be casual and flirty and I was so not in the mood and just fuming. I called him back later and apologized, and said something about how I wasn't sleeping well (which is totally true) and when I don't sleep I'm cranky.

And I was sitting there watching "Cold Mountain" alone on a Friday night, I'm thinking to myself that I was just happy to be at home alone and relaxing after a very hard and stressful week. And I'm like thinking, how the heck am I going to do this relationship stuff when I enjoy my own solitude so much.

I'm like a computer server, I need my down time. I need time to just hang by myself and watch movies and relax. I know it sounds lonely as all heck, but I enjoy it. Watching movies is part of my work as a screenplay writer. I don't feel guilty when I watch movies, I feel productive. It's like work for me because I'm sitting there enjoying the movie and analyzing it at the same time for what makes the movie work. And when it's movie made from a book like "Cold Mountain" was, it's interesting to see what the screenplay kept and left out from the book.

The red-haired guy, who is an extroverted people person, just can't imagine spending as much time alone as I do. He thinks it's lonely, and I'm thinking he's thinking he's going to rescue me from my loneliness. And I'm like, I don't need rescuing from my loneliness. I enjoy being alone. I need someone who's going to be a companion, someone to sleep with at night, and someone who won't make me feel crowded in or suffocated.

I feel like Mrs. Dalloway. I need a guy who's going to let me have my space, who won't make me feel like I'm trapped. This is an issue I always have in any relationship, and it's the reason why relationships are so hard for me. As much as I want togetherness and know that I do better in a couple situation than as a single, I cherish my individual space and freedom very much.

I'm bad because I'm hoping I don't see him this weekend. I just can't deal with it righ now. This is my first free weekend all month that I have to myself, and I want to enjoy it. On August 7, I was in a seminar all day, and then on Sunday I do errands. Last Saturday afteroon I was with him, and then I went to visit and have dinner with a friend in San Ramon and didn't get back till 11:30 at night. And Sunday is spent at church, running errands, going the gym and grocery shopping.

And my weekdays haven't been much better. On Monday and Tuesday night, I wrote and then worked out and didn't get home till 10 pm. On Wednesday I met with my writing group, and on Thursday night I started my Film History class.

Red-haired guy is always asking me why I don't date and I keep trying trying to tell him I'm busy and don't have time. Today he asked me again, and finally I said dating way more trouble than it's worth. I told him I'm picky, but I don't think he really understands quite what that means.

How do you tell a guy, "Look I have a full life where I barely have time enough to do all things I want to do. If a guy comes along who strikes my fancy and we hit it off, then fine I'll go out. The problem is the guy has to be pretty darn spectacular to make me even want to exert that much effort. And I'm a secret romantic at heart, and I figure if I'm supposed to meet someone I'll meet them. The universe knows my needs, and if there was some guy I was supposed to hang with, I'm a big believer in the universe getting us together."

I sound like a such a typical "San Francisco single girl freak". If I had cats, the picture would be complete. I think it's hilarious that I'm such a dang stereotype sometimes. Whatever.

I finally got around to seeing the movie version of Charles Frazier's novel "Cold Mountain." I meant to see it in the theatre, but I missed it. The violence in the early part of the movie was very horrific, and I was surprised by how well they depicted the hand to hand combat of fighting during the civil war. I'm thinking they probably got help from the people who do all the civil war reenactment stuff.

It was interesting to see how the novel was adapted into movie form. I liked how the ending was still as powerful as it was in the book, although I do remember thinking that I hated the ending of the book even though I knew that the ending was justified.

It's so poignant how people hold onto to the smallest things to get through the darkest of times. At what point Inman says in the movie that memories of Ada were like a bag of diamonds that he could hold onto and get through the darkness.

So much is made about the great civil war, the war of northern aggression. But like any war, the real victims were the people left behind who had to go on and rebuild and in some cases die trying. I think the Ada character at the end says you make peace with your past, and you try to heal or something like that.

I think it was Anton Chkhov who wrote that you go on because you have to, because there is work, there is always work to do.

Fridays at work are bad days for me. Most people in my group work from home, so it’s very quiet. I never feel like doing anything, even though I have work to do. This is when I wish I still had my own office, so I could just goof off all day. When I’m in a cube farm, I can’t exactly do that.

I have been sleeping well these last nights either, so I’m exhausted. I keep waking up between 4 and 5 am. Usually I sleep right through until my alarm goes off at 6 am, but not this week. I woke up at 4:30 am, managed to go back to sleep and then at 6 am, a crow started cawing loudly outside my window and woke me right up. I’m never sure if it’s good or a bad sign, when crows wake me up in the morning. Crows are my favorite birds, but when talk they sure are noisy. I wonder what they were trying to tell me.

I’ve heard crows cawing in the last three weeks, and I thought it meant that something bad would happen that day. Of course, nothing really bad happened on those days but you never know. At least my crows friends are still alive and not dying off from West Nile virus. The newspaper reports said crows are the first birds to die when West Nile moves into your area. I would be bummed if my crows disappeared. For awhile I thought they had because I stopped seeing them, but since I met the red-haired marina frat boy the crows have come back into my life.

What it all means is a mystery that I have no idea how to solve.

Been thinking about my flingie guy and the nature of love and what it all means and I’m down to one question, how do you know if you’re in love. Love is such a strange thing. I think “the Oracle” from the Matrix movie series said to Neo, “it’s like being in love, you either know it or you don’t”. But what the heck does that mean?

If someone had to told me last month that I was going to be having a rollicking good time with a 6 ft red-haired, 200 pound, not so young anymore, marina frat boy, virgo, with bad time management skills, not the greatest communication skills either, drinks a bit too much and hasn’t given up any of his childish frat boy tendencies, I would have said “NO WAY!”

If someone had told me last month that I would be completely into “public displays of affection”, and be kissing in stores, kissing in restaurants, kissing on the street in broad daylight no less, and kissing while trying to argue, I honestly would have laughed and said, “if I wasn’t into PDA in college, and other annoying things that “couples in love supposedly do”, I’m so not going to be into it at this age.”

And if someone had told me that last month that I would enter into a relationship and not know where it was going or care where it was going, I would have freaked. “Me, Ms. Control Freak, who has to have everything carefully planned with an end game to every action. I think not.”

And yet, I’m doing all these things and having a blast and I’m not feeling like I’m in college either. I’m feeling surprisingly mature, but not old or stuck in a rut. I feel like an adult, which is a somewhat scary but at the same time very comforting thought.

Tuesday August 17, red-headed guy count = 7

Back to my stats.

Sunday August 15 - red-headed boy count = 5
Monday August 16 - red-headed boy count = 3

Here's the link to the intern girl who got outed on Wonkette for having sexual escapades with the Washington set, Blog Interrupted.

I wonder if the Capitol Hill intern guys still play rugby on Saturdays near the White House? I went to a game once, and it was fun. When I was interning in DC, I was just a lowly Georgetown/arts magazine intern and not a swinging Capitol Hill intern. I did attend a bunch of parties on the hill however, because the food was free and the booze was flowing. I never hooked up with any reps or senators though. Those guys were just way too old for my taste back then.

That Washington Post article about the intern getting busted on Wonkette for writing about her six romps with politicos in Wash DC has me freaked.

Don't want the same thing happening to me and my red-headed guy. I'll have to edit the blog a bit to make red-headed guy a bit more anonymous. Not that he's anybody famous or anything, but I guess you just can't be too careful

So some guy from the DNC called thanking me for donating to John Kerry's campaign, and I decided I needed to rant and I told him that I thought Bush would win by a landslide. The guy asked me I had read the article from NY Times, but I told him I had no idea what he was talking about.

I told him that Ralph Nader was a spoiler, the Greens were trouble and going to mess up the election, Howard Dean should never been allowed to ever run from democratic nomination and should never have been allowed to be in the public eye and that his supporters were still ambivalent about throwing their support towards Kerry, and if we ever receive another terrorist attack, then the american people aren't going to want to change captains in midstream.

I'm sure the guy was just laughing on the phone about my rant. But he was good, and asked me donate more money $44 to be exact, because Kerry if elected will be the 44th president, and the money will be spent by the DNC to counter the Bush attack ads that are running the battleground states.

Of course, I donated because I thought the 44 idea was cute, but I still think the Shrubmeister will win by a landslide. Those protestors heading to NYC to mess up the GOP convention aren't going to help the cause either. I'm sure the people in middle america will just be disgusted at the left wing protestor freak show that is bound to happen, and they're going to think to themselves, "I'm sure glad Bush is in charge, and not those people" and they're going to vote this opinion at the polls in November.

And I'm sorry, no amount of money by George Soros or money given to moveon.org is going to change the opinions in the country's heartland, at least not the way they're trying to do it.

Red-headed boy count = 2

So I bagged the red-headed marina frat boy today. It was so much fun, and so wickedly, wickedly evil! I gotta give the guy credit ... he is fun to hang with. We met at a hip shopping outlet mall in the East Bay, and I was talking to an acquaintance from work in the Crate & Barrel Outlet when he walked in like two hours late for our lunch. He is so bad at time management. So I had to tell him that he should be lucky he has a very, very long leash, because if I had given him a short leash, he'd have hung himself by now.

We ate lunch at a french cafe. I couldn't figure out what to eat, so he ordered a bunch of appetizers and then he apologized for being a take charge kind of guy. Whatever! I was glad one of us could figure out what to eat. I was really, really nervous about seeing him again, and I really wasn't hungry. And then I went through this thing about how fat I was feeling, and I didn't want him to think I eat like a pig, even though I kind of do.

I'm definitely getting a good ego stroking, because the guy is profusely complimentary and I feel very wanted and needed right now. And sadly I haven't had this feeling for a very, very long time.

Honestly I have no idea where this is all going. I kind of don't care right now either, which is not like me at all. Red-headed guy is just such a trip to hang with, and we get along very, very well and he makes me laugh and I'm very much myself with him I think. I told him that I can't figure out him out, but that it was a good thing because I didn't think I'd ever get bored with him.

But I always get bored with men and relationships... it's like a bad habit of mine. And red-headed guy already said I was really hard on his ego, and I felt so bad when he said that. To make up, I kissed his hand three times. I really should be much nicer to him though, because we do have a good time when we're together. And he likes to drink Negro Modelos, which is my favourite mexican beer. And if he likes Red Stripe as well, my all time favourite beer, then I'll really be in trouble.

But just so you don't think it was all that perfect, he kind of banned me from sending him email which kind of annoys me. He said he gets 90 emails a day, and doesn't want to add any more to his load. He says he's like so tech friendly, but I don't think so. If he was, why ban me from his email? I've been emailing guys since I was 18 years old, and I hate that he said I can't send him email.

In "Bridget Jones Diary", she kept a log of how many alcohol units she drank. I want to keep track of how many red-headed guys I see every day.

Red-headed guy count - 4

So the red-haired marina frat boy finally called back today. I actually had totally written him off today, and was happy that the whole bizarre episode was over. I was even looking forward to going out for drinks with a friend, and checking out the SF nightlife for more beautiful red-head boys since I see them constantly now. But now I guess the game is still on. We might even meet for breakfast tomorrow in Berkeley, although in his words "we should take it one day at a time", because he's got a crazier work schedule than I do.

He is such a Steve clone, only worse. Steve never had that kind of travel schedule. Googled Steve, the one that got away, last night and he's designing sports games for cellphones on the peninsula somewhere. God, I'd love to hook up with him again to see if our timing is any better this time around. I'm sure the guy is married, because he was really looking to do that when I met him.

And now I'm just mooning over Steve look-alikes and clones, that aren't as nice, are worse workaholics, and don't have his communication skills. No, I take that back. Scott was the worse workaholic I dated, because he started and was CEO of his own company and worked seven days a week. But at least Scott too had good communication skills. We emailed alot, chatted on line every day, and talked on the phone at least once a day, and he had a pet name for me within a week.

But the game is on, and although my conscience keeps putting up the red flags and telling me this isn't a good thing, my mind is made up and I'm bagging the boy one way or another, one of these days, when his schedule permits us that is.

Okay, now that we're talking about signs. How's this for an odd sign?

On Wednesday of last week when I was at the height of my lust in the dust crush on the red-headed marina frat boy, I saw 12 guys after work who had red hair. There I was sitting in Starfreaks across from the Embarcardero Hyatt Regency and trying to edit my screenplay when I saw 7 of them, count that 7 red-headed guys on the way into the place and for the 1.5 hours I sat there. Then at the gym and on the way home, I saw another 5 red-heads.

Who knew there were so many strawberry blondie boys in San Francisco? I couldn't believe it, so I started keeping track. I mean, I keep track of my things since I have thing for red-heads, and I'm telling you I never maybe see more than one a day. So 12 in a day is like weird, very, very weird.

But what this 12 red-head sighting is a sign of, I have no idea. Does that mean the guy was thinking of me or does it mean God was telling me there's more of him in my life so don't freak out, worry and fret. Who knows?

It feels really strange to think that my emotions can turn on a dime. I was in serious crush mode with the red-haired marina frat boy last week, and now it feels like it never happened and I’m on to the next thing. This turnabout of emotions makes me feel shallow and vapid, but perhaps it is the nature of lustful crushes rather than a personal failing on my part.

A woman who got into the elevator this afternoon with me at work, was so excited because she said that an elevator had never ever appeared for her just as she was coming out of the door. "When everything in your life works for once, it’s a good sign," she said, "And I just bought a lottery ticket too." I smiled and then I asked her, "What if everything is going wrong?" She laughed and said "Then that’s a bad sign".

So is this a good sign? On the way into work this morning on MUNI, I was sitting there reading the introduction to John Steinbeck’s "The Red Pony" and smiling to myself about this great line which read, "… both sustained a disillusioned view of the present by retreating into an invented past, where they could indulge in their romanticism unchecked by the considerations of verisimilitude." God, I love this line! Don’t you? I think this is how I like to write or would love to write. Who cares about writing in conjunction with reality when you can write and live in your own invented world?

Anyway, I just happen to look up and there was some cute guy staring at me across the car. He smiled at me and then I smiled back. But then as is usual for me, I didn’t think anything about it and went back to what I was doing which was copying the quote into my journal. But as I was copying the quote, I started thinking that I should really like smile more and give him, what red-haired marina frat boy called "my high wattage smile." But I was shy, and didn’t really do anything except glance up at him from time to time.

Then when he got off at Montgomery, I looked up at him and he smiled and I smiled back and then he was gone. Maybe my next fantasy is get chatted up on Muni. It’s never happened to me before, although it’s something I’ve always dreamed about. I just have to figure out how to get a guy to go from smiling to actually talking to me, and maybe my "high wattage like sunshine smile" is the way to go.

Wow, I didn't post all weekend and I didn't realize it until I was reading my own blog. Sometimes the weekend goes by in such a blur.

I took a seminar on Aristotle's Poetics for Screenwriting in Palo Alto. I'd studied Aristotle's Poetics before in college, and it was interesting to reread it and apply it to screenplay writing. The guy who wrote the book and who flew in from NYC to teach the class also introduced the theory of Semiotics and applied to story analysis. Semiotics is some french structural theory of storytelling which came about in the 1950's. I'll have to read up on Semiotics because I don't know much about it, and it sounded like a good way to analyze stories.

I give the guy creds because he was a paid story analyst for Miramax in NYC, and is a filmmaker who got hired to be a story analyst after showing his independent film to movie execs. He even gave the class a handout on what how to do "coverage", which is what a story analyst does. A coverage is just a word movie execs use to say "summary of a written screenplay". The movie exec says "give me the coverage" of that screenplay, which is what you thought, short summary of the story, and whether you think it should be moved on in the process or "passed".

For his coverage example, the guy handed out his summary of "Nurse Betty". It was fun to read what he thought of the screenplay, because I really, really thought the movie was very good and interesting. "Nurse Betty" wasn't your typical Hollywood film, but it was still very, very enjoyable to watch.

Then on Sunday, I went to church, worked out, and ran errands. A typical Sunday for me.

Check out this really silly story on SFGate.com, FIELD POLL: Kerry keeps 12-point lead over Bush in California Bay Area provides challenger with strongest support. This is one of the reasons why I sometimes hate living in the crazy bubble world that is San Francisco. Like this is earth shattering news? Like this is really going to matter come November? Who the hell gives a flying dufus?

Anyone who really cares about the future of this country should be outraged by the stupidity of this article. Hello! San Francisco has for the last 20 years voted democrat, and it's not likely to change anytime soon. Talk about a stupid and smug self congratulatory, we're better than the rest of you idiots who don't live here, pat on the back. Can't you see a San Francisco voter looking at themselves in the mirror and thinking, "God you're the smartest voter out there is, and to hell with the rest of the country. I'm so politically smart I can stand myself!"

Honestly, California doesn't matter. It's a blue state! The red states are what matters, the states where the election is up for grabs and will be decided on. Now here's a headline that should be on the front page of SFGate.com, "Kerry has a 12-point lead over Bush in Florida, Pennsylvania and Ohio." Now that would be news, and worth discussing, cheering, celebrating, and debating about.

But things aren't all that bad here in SF media land, especialy when the SF Weekly's Matt Smith, tells the real truth about the progressives in San Francisco, Progressive Failure: Why San Francisco supervisors who call themselves progressives should get the boot in November.

I used to think the radical republican right were the really scary people, but Matt Smith confirms my notion that the radical left is just as frightening. Both extremes are self-serving, and dirty as the politicians they all say they're fighting against. The progressive left especially are racking up those bad karma points really fast, because they're the most self righteous of the two right now.

So like everything else in my life, my blissful experience didn't last. I'm kind of depressed that I never heard back from the red-headed marina frat boy about my proposal. I mean, okay the guy was kind of a touchy feely freak, but a rejection is still a rejection and it hurts, and all my abandonment issues keep flooding into my mind.

This always happens to me. A guy comes on to me, and I go "no way", and then a week later I change my mind and by then it's too late and I get rejected and dumped on big time in no uncertain terms. It's so tragic!

In hindsight, it's always worked out and I've been glad that I didn't get to be an evil bunny after all but it's so not fair. All my other friends get to have fun and be picked up in bars and sleep with totally acceptable strangers, but no, not me. I get all, how to say it, too moral and too religious, and turn perfectly good flingies down. I never used to be this way, and I don't like it. Flingies are so good for the ego, and it's not like they last very long and they never seem impact your life in any serious way. And you can always turn a fun and unusual flingie into a good story.

And guys are so in love with you when it's a flingie, and you're not with them long enough to get mad at them or get disgusted or bored by them. And most guys who want flingies aren't guys you really want to hook up with over the long haul anyway. Guys who are flingie material are like that for a reason, because they're really not much use to you for anything else. Oh sure, some of them turn into friends, but that's far and few between. Most flingie men are really only worth an hour or two of your time, or if it's drawn out, maybe 24 hours of your time, tops. After that, it's so not worth it.

Best to have an ending like in the movies, and get out while the going is good, and have the whole flingie thing become a fun story to tell your girlfriends.

God I hate that red-headed freakazoid rejected me. I don't even get to tell a good story to any of my girlfriends about him.

I'm so blissed out today. I ordered a cd of Tibetan Buddhist meditation techniques which I received last night and tried, and I had the most amazing experience. Those Tibetan buddhists really know how to bliss out a stressful life.

Tibetan buddhist meditation is definitely the way to go for me, I think. Hindu meditation is great as well, but in order to be effective you usually need a meditation teacher to guide you. Not so with Tibetan Buddhism. You can be very effective without a meditation to guide you, which is really nice.

But I've got the best of both worlds in one exercise, because in the middle of my Tibetan Buddhist meditation is a hindu meditation. How fun is that! And the Tibetans aren't proprietary about who you pray to, so JC showed up in my meditation which was so, so cool. So it's more like I've got the best of three spirituals disciplines; tibetan, hindu and christian. How cool and hot is that!

And I went to bed very happy, and woke up very, very happy, and sadly that hasn't happened to me in a very long, long time.

I'm so blissed out today. I ordered a cd of Tibetan Buddhist meditation techniques which I received last night and tried, and I had the most amazing experience. Those Tibetan buddhists really know how to bliss out a stressful life.

Tibetan buddhist meditation is definitely the way to go for me, I think. Hindu meditation is great as well, but in order to be effective you usually need a meditation teacher to guide you. Not so with Tibetan Buddhism. You can be very effective without a teacher.

But I've got the best of both worlds in one exercise, because in the middle of my Tibetan Buddhist meditation is a hindu meditation. How fun is that! And the Tibetans aren't proprietary about who you pray to, so JC showed up in my meditation which was so, so cool. So it's more like I've got the best of three spiritual disciplines; tibetan, hindu and christian. How cool and hot is that!

And I went to bed very happy, and woke up very, very happy, and sadly that happened to me in a very long, long time.

So I'm blissed out today. I ordered a cd of tibetan meditation techniques and tried it last night, and it was so amazing. Those tibetan buddhists who have monasteries at the foot of Mount Everest really know what they're doing to bliss you out of your stressfull life.

Tibetan buddhism is definitely the way to go. Hindu meditation is great too, but in order to be effective you need a spiritual master to guide you. Not so with Tibetan buddhist meditation. The stuff is just unbelievable, and you can do it yourself very effectively without a teacher.

The cd I bought is actually a combination of Tibetan buddhist meditation taught by a Black Hat Sect monastery in Lhassa Tibet, and then a hindu meditation was added to the middle. So I've got the best of both worlds actually in one exercise.

I went to bed happy, and I woke up happy, and sadly that hasn't happened to me in a very long time. And the Tibetans aren't proprietary about who you pray too, so JC showed up in my meditation which was so, so cool. So I've got all three worlds going here; tibetan, hindu and christian. How cool and hot is that!

Even when an elfgirl wants to be very bad, she can't. It's so unfair. No email response to my proposition from the red-headed marina frat shoe boy! I'm sure I deserve it for turning him down the first time, when he was offering the same thing.

I hate this! This is the first time in a long time I'm letting myself be bad, because it's like so boring to be good. And I get turned down like big time. So much for a total stranger saying he loves you. That should have been a huge clue huh, that this was going to be a weird little thing.

Wow, I'm being such an english literature freak. Gotta love my "Silas Mariner" reset!

So my evil twin has taken over, and I'm going to be a bad girl and have fun this summer. I don't even want to think about the karma I'm going to reap by embarking on my little adventure, although I think it will be minimal. The object of my adventure and I have some karma to settle, and this seems to be a good way to do it.

It's only a one-time thing, and hopefully it won't blow up in my face. Famous last words I know, but I think it will hold. Frat boys have to be good for something in one's life, even if it's only for a fun little flingie. And I do think it will be fun little flingie, despite all the baggage we're both bringing to the table.

My inner child is like having such a blast. I feel like Eppie in Silas Mariner. I'm such a "naughty naughty elf girl".

A silly and hopeless sordid romance has to be good for something right? I printed out my baseball screenplay today. It's so weird to read my own writing sometimes. I'm like sitting here thinking I can't believe I wrote this; it's not as bad as I thought it would be.

I'm just about over it with Mr. Red-headed marina frat boy. Tried to call him in LA on his cell just to say hello, and his cellphone voicemail box was full. Talk about a bad sign.

You know it's my own personal pet theory that if a potential romance isn't easy, isn't full of wonderful synchronicities, convenient to both people like you wouldn't believe and where the timing is just spot on, then the relationship is trouble and not really meant to be, and is just one big humumgous mistake.

He said we coud be friends, but I wonder if friendship is really worth it at this point. Okay sure the guy is sweet and cute and everything, but what does he bring to my table as a friend? He's not an editor, and I really need an editor friend. I still haven't figured out if he's an intellectual. I know the guy is people smart since he is an exec after all. He's not into the arts, and I don't he's even remotely very spiritual, although we haven't talked about that subject yet.

I mean, even as a potential boyfriend he really didn't seem to add that much either other than he is cute, he is sweet, he's fun to hang with so far, he's very, very well off, would probably do all the "right things" like send flowers on Valentine's Day and celebrate anniversaries, and he is a busy busy guy which for someone like me who has an issue with time could be a good thing. But he's also incredibly dysfunctional, has very serious commitment issues, probably drinks a litle more than he should, has proven to already be flaky, and perhaps is maybe too busy. I mean, the guy is senior management in his company, he's a powerful kind of guy, he's an admitted workaholic who work 12-15 hour days and always on the weekends, and his cellphone loads up with messages on a Saturday. He's got disaster written all over him.

I think I really need to look at my requirement that a guy I date be successful in the world, because success has it price and that price is time. Oh well. This is what I get when I get attracted to "Steve look-alikes". Steve was another serious workaholic, and a travelling one to boot. Arranging a date with Steve was such a struggle because he was always travelling on business, and yes he was in senior management at his company and powerful too.

I just want to date a guy where we make the same kind of income, how hard can that be? It's not like I make that much money either. I only put the successful requirement in there because of that guy I dated who couldn't relate to my work experiences. I can't help it if in my various jobs I have meetings with VPs of every company I've ever worked for. It's been that way for a long time, and in whatever job I have. It's my job karma to sometimes be the only woman in meeting full of men most of whom are senior management. Even in this job, which is bureaucratic as all hell, I have meetings like that every once in a great while.

Michael used to make such a big deal about it, and it really, really annoyed me. Like he held it against me because of what I did for a living. And the guy was only like that because he was always of the opinion that he never got quite as far as he should have done in his career, and so I think he took it out on me because I was doing things that he wished he could do. It's not like I even thought of myself as that successful because I don't think I am, it's just always been a part of what I do for a living. Not like I don't make okay money, but I'm not in senior management or anything. I'm an analyst, it's slavework really.

A friend of mine says it's because I wear pearls. Pearls send a certain message out to the world, although I don't know what the heck that message is. Pearls are just pearls, they're like work jewelry, and always appropriate for every occassion. They're like so practical, why wouldn't I wear them. And no I don't buy the conservative thing one damned bit. You can buy fake pearls at Macy's for $20 that look very authentic, so it's not like they're not affordable.

And whatever happened to my wish for an editor boyfriend? That's what I really need. A boyfriend to edit my work, encourage me in my writing, and do everything to make himself useful so I can further my writing career. He can be a writer too, as long as we don't get competitive. Been there, done that and it's amazingly a ver torturous experience. Competing with the boyfriend is just not a good thing, ever!