Musings about Love

I didn’t know that you never really loved me until another someone came along who loved me more than you ever did. You were the one who I thought was my longed for twin, the other half of me that I didn’t know I had until you came along.

We were so alike and yet we were not. Memories of all our happy past lives kept coming into my head. I came to this planet only because of you because you promised we would never be apart. We should have known better than to make promises to each other that we knew might be impossible to keep. But we did and then we came to this planet so very long ago, and then we parted in the worst way, the betrayal of all betrayals.

But because we really were true twin from Sirius, we managed to come together in subsequent lives and lived somewhat happy lives but lives that would forever be tainted by that first betrayal which we  still have not healed from in all of these centuries on this planet.

A psychic healer once told me never to enter into a relationship with someone I had a lot of karma with because those relationships tend to not work out; there is too much karma to be dealt with in this short life. I didn’t know what she meant until I met you.

And what a wonderful feeling it was to meet you knowing our past lives had been so wrapped up together through many galaxies, so many dimensions, and so much time. But then the fear came back. I felt it from you in Scottsdale. I knew you wondered if you would betray me again as you had during our first incarnation on this planet, and I knew you didn’t know if you would, so you took the easy way out and you left me. And although it hurt like hell at the time. I understood because I didn’t know if I had forgiven you for that first betrayals of betrayals.

So we went our separate ways and at some point I felt we were in different worlds, different timelines, where I was no longer even the person you met that first time. The gulf between us had again widened and swallowed us whole.

And now I am feeling love from someone else, and that love is healing my heart and it made me realize that your love for me never once healed me. Your love never broke down one negative belief I head about love, about you, about our past life history, about anything. But I didn’t know that at the time, and it took this other purer love to show me what you never gave me.

And yes it hurts, but it doesn’t hurt because I miss you or I have regrets or because I want you back. No, it hurts because you fooled me again like you did in that first incarnation. It hurts because I believed you, I believed you had changed, and you didn’t change. And now I finally understand why we were neve meant to be together in this life, that it was a godsend we parted in Scottsdale, that somehow the universe was looking out for me and taking you away from me for my own good.

And now I can finally close the chapter on our relationship and move on with my life for good and not look back and move forward. I was doing that anyway, but this new love has cut the last ties between us.

And so I wish nothing but love. Our twin-ness means we will probably meet again in another life. That seems to be our MO. But never again in this life. We truly are in different worlds, like trains on different tracks going in different directions. And I know that as our tracks get further and further apart, I will most likely never see you again, and I am okay with that.