When I was at Major Ed Dames’ remote viewing workshop last September and we were sitting in a group talking after the event, there was a normie woman there asking really basic questions. Poor Ed Dames had to constantly stop and explain something to her that everyone in the group already knew. It was very annoying and made me think we were all back in school and there a “special” kid in our class.

I wanted to have compassion for the poor normie lady because what was all common knowledge to the group was so new to her. And I can see if people aren’t able to get up to speed quickly, they are going to get left behind. The cognitive dissonance will be too much and too painful, and things will be moving too quickly to slow down to explain things to the normies.

And it’s not that I don’t think that people can’t get caught up, but it is the cognitive dissonance, having to give up beliefs, and having to admit to yourself that you are wrong. And If you haven’t ever had the experience of giving up your beliefs and admitting you may be wrong about how you think the world works, then I don’t know how the normies are going to get through the next 15-20 years.

The normies are going to have to split off into another world, like how people split their personalities to deal with horrible trauma in order to survive. It’s probably better this way for them to survive since a mind can only take so much trauma before it will choose death.

Having fun listening to all the YouTube discussions about Q Anon. Just search for @Qanon on Twitter and read the tweets.

Wow, no posts in 2017 but I was writing. I finished the screenplay I started in 2002 finally, and submitted it to Inktip.

And an odd thing happened. People were reading it and I could feel them reading my screenplay which totally freaked me out. When I feel someone reading my screenplay I pick up their vibration, but not in a detailed way. It is more like a general overview of who they are, like a giant broad brushstroke. And not sure why I am surprised, but I am, but the people reading my screenplay were business types. Hollywood is a business after all, and sometimes not a nice business.

And now I am drafting a second screenplay based on an unpublished novel I wrote a few years ago. And still working on my Elf Chronicles novel, of course. Which I am now seriously thinking of self publishing. Three acquaintances of mine self published their novels and you can find them on Amazon.

So more writing for me in 2018. And hopefully more posting.

Working on my Elf Chronicles novel again.

How do you engineer the destruction of a nation, a realm?
1. Destroy the nation’s unity and divide the people
2. Destroy their history
3. Destroy communications
4. Destroy important and historical symbols of the nation
5. Disrupt the infrastructure
6. Destroy the family structure and separate the parents from the children
7. Create fear.

How do you fight against your aggressors, your invaders?
1. Guerrilla warfare; worked in the south to drive those northern carpetbaggers out, worked in Vietnam, countless other examples, works every time. No civilized country trains their soldiers to fight a guerrilla war, which is unfortunate. And no, the Surge does not work. I read that very long document and it would take unlimited resources. And the Surge is basically a civilized version of guerrilla warfare anyway.
2. Unify the remaining survivors
3. Form alliances with unlikely partners.

How do you keep your soul intact when you need to do everything you’ve been taught not to do to get your nation back from the invaders?
Answer unknown....

To those people who say they have been "awakened" by this Fall's election, just remember this: you have no idea how idea how deep this rabbit's hole goes, once awakened you can never go back to sleep, everyone and everything in your life has an agenda to either lead you on the negative or positive path - it is your choice, right and wrong have no meaning since they are both sides of the same coin, the truth always lies in the middle, the center, and never on the end; now more than ever you will reap what you sow - and the karma is instant and will not take years, only believe what resonates with you and thank the things that don't for helping you to get clarity, and never trust anyone including the media - only trust yourself. Oh and there will be times you are going to wish you had never woken up in the first place because you will get down to your bones why ignorance is a kind of nice prison like bliss.

This news article came to me as background for my new story This news story is fictional of course..

BBC News  reporting from London. Reports have been coming out from several London hospitals about the births of several strange looking babies that have been born in the last several days. Strange features have been noticed in several of these babies which has alarmed hospital personnel. Investigators from the National Health Service has been dispatched to investigate these reports. A spokesman from the National Health Service will be holding a press conference in an hour, which we will broadcast live. A BBC reporter was sent to investigate and here is his report.
Liam Robb reporting from the Royal London Hospital in Whitechapel. Local hospital staff have been alarmed by the birth of two babies in the last two days who have exhibited strange features. When you first look at the baby, it looks perfectly normal, perfectly human. But on close inspection, one starts to notice things are a little different. The first baby was born with pointed ears, like the Mr Spock character in Star Trek. The second baby was born with what looked like two bumps on his back, which has been examined and has been found to resemble the beginning of wings like on birds. And these babies are not alone. Similar types of babies have been born in other London hospitals, which has alarmed the National Health Service.
“I noticed it when I was cleaning the baby. The ears were so strange looking. I’ve been a delivery nurse and I’ve helped to deliver over 1,000 babies, and this is the first baby that I’ve seen with pointed ears.” Nurse Jackie Reacher speaking.
“And the second baby made me almost faint.  The baby is absolutely perfect expect for the bumps on his back. Naturally, the doctor was alarmed but when the bumps were examined and they took a biopsy, the found the beginning of wings. The baby is so beautiful and so angelic looking, one would like to think maybe this maybe is an angel but that doesn’t make sense. Why would an angel be born here? And other than the wings, the baby is as human as you or me.”
The parents are being examined as well as the babies to look for any similarities. And London is not alone. Reports of these babies have been reported in Scotland and Ireland as well as in the U.S. The Centers for Disease Control has sent an investigative team to London to see if there is a connection between the American and UK births.

I wrote a short story related to the new idea I have for my novel. I haven't written a short story in a really long time.

Title: Strange Birth

I didn’t notice anything strange in the delivery that day. The mother who had been trying to give birth for a number of years had finally gotten pregnant. She had been a patient of mine for several years, and I knew how long she and her husband had struggled to conceive. When she told me she was going to have a child, I was elated.

I knew how much this child meant to her, so we had followed all the rules, had taken all the tests, and her pregnancy progressed without any problems. When the day came and I got the call that morning she was coming to the hospital, I was relieved. The big event had come and all the parents’ anguish was going to be over. My patient was going to deliver by all signs a healthy child. This was why I had become a doctor and specialized in deliveries, and I remember feeling proud that day.

The mother had decided to give birth naturally, as was the preference of most women these days since it was healthier for the baby and mother. I ate a large breakfast knowing that I might be at the hospital for the rest of the day and night, since first time mothers often took a long time to give birth.But as soon as I arrived at the hospital, the nurse told me that my patient had already gone into labor and her contractions indicated that the birth could happen in an hour. I was a little surprised at the time, but there nothing that would have set off any alarms. It was hard to tell with first time time mothers. Some took a long time and some delivered really quickly. You don’t have anything to base the experience on because it is their first delivery.

So I prepared myself and entered the birthing room. The mother was there and when she saw me she smiled weakly at me. I saw weariness in her eyes, and I knew that although the delivery was going quickly my patient was already exhausted. “It won’t be long now.” I told her as I came over and patted her hand. I looked at my patient’s husband who was holding her hand. He nodded at me, but like most first time dads I could see in his eyes that he was overwhelmed. No matter how much they try to prepare you for the birth, nothing compares to watching it in person. “Is she going to be alright doctor?”, he whispered to me. People always want to whisper when they are in the birthing room, which is odd to me.

In a normal voice I tell him “She’ll be fine and we are lucky since by all signs it shouldn’t take more than an hour. Both mother and father smiled at me in a mixture of relief and skepticism. Like most first time parents they were warned that the birth could often take hours.But the signs are never wrong, and within an hour, I was delivering the long awaited for child. All in all the birth had gone as we had planned, and my patient had done well. But this is where I remember that there certain that happened that was unusual, but not so unusual as to cause any alarm in my medically trained mind. Every human body is different, so one is taught to expect all manner of variations but in this case there was lot anomalies.

Let’s start at the beginning. The baby came out and as was normal, she cried but then she stopped. I remember the nurse looking at me because usually newborn babies cry for a good long time until we are able to wrap the up, by this child stopped. As we cleaned the child up, I inspected her and she seemed to have all her parts, and it was until I looked at her ears did I notice that they were rather pointed, and I mean really pointed.

Now that child was probably the 300th delivery in my long career so I can say that I have seen quite a few babies. And in all that time, I had never seen a baby with ears that were shaped like that. But even though my mind catalogued the strangeness, the doctor in me decided that it was odd but nothing to be medically concerned about so I let it go and asked the nurse to wrap up the child so she could be presented to her parents. When I looked into my patient’s eyes and saw the tears streaming down her face as the nurse handed her the wrapped baby, I was happy. My patient had the child she had wanted for so many years.

Now here’s the second anomaly. The mother looked at the child and I saw the baby reach out her hand and touch the tears on her mother’s face. Seeing that was a bit of a shock because babies at that point are so unaware of their surroundings. I even thought to myself that maybe the baby reached her hand and didn’t even know her mother was crying. But the child left her hand on her mother’s face for longer than what would have been normal.  But the mother didn’t even notice and hugged the baby. And the third anomaly happened when the baby was handed to to the father, and the baby again reached a hand out and touched the father’s face. And I am watching this and thinking to myself, is this normal?

And the last anomaly and which had haunted me ever since, is when the baby is back in her mother’s arms and I can see the baby staring at me and I see the baby open her eyes and smiling at me. Babies don’t open their eyes and smile at me 15 minutes after having left their mother’s womb, at least not any baby I had seen up until this point. I remember staring back at the baby, too stunned to smile, and watched as the baby closed its eyes and went to sleep. I looked at my nurse and she had a strange look at her face. I know she had seen everything I had seen, but neither of us said anything. How could we? We could hear the happy parents thanking us both for the miracle of their new child. It seemed rude to me at least to mention the things we had seen. And my nurse agreed with me because she didn’t say anything either.

And I forgot about that strange birth until I started hearing it our staff meetings a few months later about the strange births that others had seen.  All the strange births were so much like my own experience where the babies had other little things different about their bodies, and displayed the same actions that the new baby had shown to me. And then I started reading about it on the internet and on the chat boards I participated with other doctors around the world. They had seen the same or similar things; strange looking children who smiled at their doctors.

And when the phenomena was documented, they told me I was the first one who experienced it. And when I was questioned about it and asked if I noticed anything strange in the birth, I told them what I had seen but I also told me that I also a mother and father who were crying because they finally had the child they had been wanting for so many years, and in the face of that miracle every thing about a birth is a little strange.

I came up with a new story yesterday and a new main character.  The first thing I heard out of my character's mouth is "I am not an evil person". You have to love a character who says things like that. So I wrote in my new character's voice and this is what he had to say.  His name is Cyrus Henry Goodlight.

I am not an evil man. Oh, I know what people have written about me but despite what they say, I am not evil, notorious maybe but not evil. My detractors and there seem to be many of them have written ad nauseam about me, and as an avid reader I read their diatribes, their comments, their hit pieces, their exposes, everything that been been written good or bad about me. I made my fortune by being able to research theories, discovering their truth, and then turning that truth into something that someone would find useful and want to pay money to obtain it. I am a carpe diem type of man and ex nihilo nihil fit. It’s my gift as one kind reporter wrote. And if I turn my gift to find out the truth about myself, I can honestly say from what I’ve been able to research is that it is all false.

No, to be fair, and I do want to be absolutely fair, is that some of it is true but most of it is false. What’s true is that I have amassed a fortune that makes me the richest man in the world. My father, who was a scientist and researcher himself, repeated to me as a child when I wanted to wanted something to think to myself veni vedi vici, and I took that to heart. What is also true is that I have made my fortune by providing items to the planet that people, businesses want to purchase. I have provided the technology to find cures for most diseases. My research companies are world renown for their contribution to medical cures through genetics. My environmental companies have come up with the technology to rid our planet of almost all of the pollution in our environment and in our food. My new foundation is starting to collect people’s stories, which is offered in a database that can be researched for free by anyone. I have a nobel prize for my foundation for preserving the stories and literature of disappearing cultures.

So a large part of what is written about me is in praise of everything that I have done for this planet.  It’s the other things that people written about me that I find to be false.  Most of it I believe is because people just assume that someone with money is up to no good, and that person wants world domination. What a load of crock. I am not hosti humani generis. If I wanted world domination, I could have gotten that a long time ago. Do I have governments and world leaders that I can call on for favors? Yes, of course I do. I’ve done good things for this world and those leaders respect me.

I think people are mesmerized me, so they make up stories about me. Sometimes I think maybe money is a liability. If I had been a researcher who just discovered good things and eschewed money, people would worship me. What nonsense; faber est suae quisque fortunae.

My money allows me to be able to follow up on my obsession, and that is its reward to me. And what is thing that I want more than anything that even money cannot buy me? Time, tempus fugit. I want to live forever. I have much to do and much to discover. There are legends, stories in the bible about people who have lived for a very long time. And for all all our progress in cleaning up our environment and curing diseases, we have made absolutely zero progress on life extension.

The world deserves my genius, the world needs someone like me to live forever so I can make a make the world a better place. And who better than me to live a long and glorious life with all my knowledge and all my wealth. So to all critics, I will find a way to outlive you all and since I am a kind person, your vitriol will not be remembered in the future. I will see to that personally.

Another odd piece of writing from my writing box.  This piece was written on February 1, 1999. I think I was trying my hand at stream of conscious writing because the piece is full of fragments, like I was riffing on a musical phrase.

Writing in a box - all angular - black and white - parralel stories - endings have to end - no ambiguities - has to make sense - sense to me - not to any one else - writing flows like a stream of light - a single light - a bright light - with an equational light - not a pastel light - but a bright in your face color - no subtlety - it hits right between the eyes - and rocking - like driving along a brightly lit country road and BOOM, a summer thunder storm - unexpected and frightening - dark mood and dark light - to hit your sunny day - bright square of color like a modern American painting - it makes no sense but if you stare at it long enough - it starts to make sense - only because your mind has to have it make sense - uncertainty is like death - the mind can only handle uncertainty for so long - before it cracks - stories must make sense - somebody's sense - from a point of view - whose point of view? - my point of view - a character's point of view - but all characters are me - in one way or another - different facets unexplored - dark valleys - dark visions - never plundered - never dared to go - characters speak words I can never say, never want to say - whose world do they inhabit? - harsh landscapes with harsh lightning - no pink light to hide the wires, the cracks, the wrinkles - no rose colored lighting to smooth out the way - but harsh, harsh light - studio lights - light so hot your makeup melts - melting slowly off revealing someting yet unknown - magic, my story - more light and less light - inherent darkness - valleys of no return - signs that say no trespassing, dark and windy twisted roads - roads that go nowhere, everywhere, round and round, never ending - roads that you to home, from home - roads that take you away, away from harsh, harsh light and even the sense of scrutinity - roads that comfort and soothe you on your journey.

In the midst of all this creation, you need to find a place to live. You have to inhabit that which you create.

Here's something else I found in my writing box.

These sentences were written on February 23, 2004, and I think these sentences look like writing prompts where the writing teacher gives you a phrase and you are supposed to construct a sentence out of the phrase.

These sentences are very intriguing and I want to keep them, so I am posting them here.

• Two Alaskan Kodiak Bears joined a small circus where the pair appeared in a nightly parade pulling a small covered wagon. (WTF is this?)
• Once I had a vision of being a general.
• I found a knife under the refrigerator while the man I love and I were cleaning our house.
• Rachel is the one whose hair is golden like her mother's.
• Once upon a time during the reign of terror, mass arrests become the order of the day.
• Here at the bottom of our country, our windows drip with summer.
• Even when she was very little, her hunger was worth something; hunger tougher her to dance.

It's been awhile since I have posted. Lots of stuff going on at work, but I think it will be resolved in the next few weeks.

Anyway, I was going through a box of writing notes and I found an email I wrote to a friend in June  2000. That friend named Amy H incidentally passed away two years later, which still makes me sad. I had written to my dear friend that I wanted to write a book of short stories called "Isn't it a Jupiter moment and other short stories of modern girl's life." I think that Jupiter reference must come from that Train song that I don't even know that I really like, and I have no idea what that story wouldn't have been about. But here are the titles to the short stories in this book that I wanted to write:

• Isn't it a Jupiter moment?
• My thing with Steve
• Putting up the Sun Shade
• His Tenses freak me out (this title makes me laugh)
• Art is scary
• The Bat Mobile Car
• Loking through a big glass ball
• The Blue Haired Buddah on Union Street
• We were just chatting online
• Dreaming of Texas (I turned this story into a novel)
• Watch out for the Gnats
• It's way to deep for me
• Flashbacks at the produce section
• Tall and white from Detroit
• Sundown on the Bay Bridge
• Four California Girls in a Car

I read the titles and I sort of remember why I wanted to write the story. But then there are some titles that I have no idea what story was supposed to go with that title.

As a friend would say, if you can't remember why you wanted to write the story, then it must not have been that important.

I am thinking it might be fun to do free writes on these titles just to see what comes out. And I can see myself doing that on a day when I can't work on the writing I am supposed to be working on, and I want to write something.

This is a more current past life memory.

She watched him sit down at table, and briefly noted what was on his plate. The food at the hotel buffet was not the greatest, and one had to pick and choose what to eat, so his plate was bits of food. He was sitting a few people away from her on the opposite side of the table, but close enough where she could still see him. The people at her table were greeting him excitedly, since it was always a thrill when a lecturer at a seminar sat down to talk to participants. People seemed to really like this man and respect him, and were eager to talk to him.

Her own reaction to him had been strange.  When he walked on stage, he looked so familiar to her which was odd because she had never heard him lecture before. He was attractive in that college professor type of way, which was amusing since he taught college classes. She wondered if they had had a past life connection, which might have explained why he seemed so familiar. And then without thinking, she tried to read him.  That was when the high strangeness started.

As soon as she tried to read his past lives, the alarm bells started going off in her head. She heard a voice start saying, “This is a psy-op, he is part of the psy-op. This is dangerous.” So she stopped immediately, but not before she felt that she was now hyper-aware of him.

And now at dinner, she still  felt so aware of him, every turn of his head, every word that came out of his mouth. He looked at her and she smiled, and it was then she heard him in her mind the phrase. She looked down at her plate, unsure of what just happened. The only other person who could talk in her mind like that had been that trained super soldier that she had heard speak a few months ago.

This man was not a super soldier by any means. He was a college professor who was lecturing at the seminar she was attending in Las Vegas. She looked up again because she felt him staring at her. She looked into his eyes and said to his mind “But I don’t want you.” That was a lie. Of course she wanted him, but something inside of her screamed “NO, this is a psy-op. He is part of the psy-op. Resist, resist, resist.” And so she resisted mentally, but for the first time she felt like she was not in control of her body. Her body was turned out to the nth degree. She knew that if they were alone and he mind-talked to her, she would have walked up to him and started kissing him, rubbing against him. She would have found herself on her knees and doing the thing that she was trained for, which was to bring sexual pleasure to the person who had uttered that phrase.

She looked down at her plate, confused about the thoughts that were going through her head. Training? What training? She looked at him again, but he was chatting with someone else now, but he glanced at her. She took a bite of food, trying to calm her heart down which was now beating rapidly. Her body felt hot and bothered, and took a deep breath to try and control her body. She looked around at her dining companions to see if anyone had noticed anything, but she saw that there were too busy talking to take notice of her.

When she looked at him again, he was getting up from the table.  He had barely eaten any of his food. He looked at her and she half-expected him to mind-talk to her again, but he just looked at her. He said goodbye to everyone at the table.

She was disappointed that he was leaving, but some part of her was glad. She knew he was dangerous to her, but she didn’t know why. All she knew was that no man should be able to mind-talk to her and turn her sexually on with one phrase. The whole situation smacked of control, of training, of things that might have happened to her that was not aware of, of things that she was afraid to delve into because of what it might mean.

She felt someone staring at her and she turned around, and she saw him staring at her before he left the buffet room. She felt a sudden urge to go after him and find him, and demand to know why he was able to mind-talk to her. But she didn’t. Instead she sat there and spoke to her dinner companions, and finished her dinner. She knew she had avoided a potentially dangerous situation, but she also knew that the situation wasn’t over yet.

He knew her code. He knew her phrase. He could potentially her sexually. Someone had given it to him and then taught him to mind-talk. She knew he really couldn't mind-talk to her, because if he really did have that skill he would have continued talking to her, but he did not. The super soldier guy kept mind-talking to her, but the college professor guy did not. He had only been taught how to mind-talk to her that one phrase. But that one phrase was key, her key. The question was who had given him the key and why was he using it, and most importantly why did she feel it was part of her training to please him sexually

A past life memory from Atlantis.

The seed sounds were deafening. Something had gone wrong, something must have gone wrong. I put my hands over my ears and walked outside of the house. Everything was shaking and moving. And the seed sounds were making it worse.

Their experiment had gone wrong. I knew it would. I warned them that the sounds could not be controlled, but they didn’t listen. The seeds sounds kept reverberating and the more they reverberated the more the world shook until the things that held everything together starting coming apart.

Our wold was being destroyed. My world was being destroyed. I could feel everything in my body start to shake. I knew everything inside would start coming apart eventually. And then the ground shook and I knew the seeds sounds had triggered a massive earthquake.

I looked around me and watched in horror as the structures around me started to collapse. I could faintly hear people screaming, but their screams were being drowned out by the seed sounds.

A past life memory From Dogon

I saw him but he didn't see me. I wondered where he’d been, who he’d been with, but I knew I would never ask him and he would never tell me. He was strolling along the path that led to our home like he didn’t have a care in the world, but I could tell it was just an act. He was angry, and I knew I was the cause of his anger.

I left the window and went to sit in my favorite chair. It was more of a throne really, but it was very comfortable. The villagers had made it for me, and although I did not want to accept it at first, he told me it would be rude if I turned it down. That was many, many years ago in a much happier time.

We were both happy then when we came to this place. Everything was so new and so different, and we worked very hard to teach the people about who we were and where we came from. But the people here were so primitive, teaching them proved extremely difficult. Nothing in the briefing reports had prepared us for this level of ignorance.

He said it was inevitable that we would be treated like a god and his goddess. But I thought we were brought here to change that behavior, not reinforce them, I told him.  He did not agree. We were talking about behavior for a much more advanced civilization. We would get them to that point, but not right now. I did not agree and we had argued for days. We were still arguing really, because neither of us wanted to concede our positions. But we let it go. We did not fight. We agreed to disagree, but that was start of our disagreement, our anger, which simmered quietly through the years, and which led to this point where we were barely talking to each other. Where he would disappear for hours but always coming back home at night. Where the villagers would bring me stories of where he went and who he was with, and I would smile and thank them, and they cry at night. And the dry my tears before he returned home.

I could smell her on him, even though I know he tried to rid himself of all smells. Somehow her scent always remained. My rival, what a strange thought. We had been together for millions of years, and I was worried about another woman. She was not the first and she would not be the last. I knew that, but somehow on this planet it hurt more than it did in other places.

A past life memory when we left Egypt to go to Maldeck to escape the cataclysm about to happen on earth

The ships were getting ready to leave soon to take us to the planet Maldeck. There was no other way to survive the comet that was headed towards earth but to leave and go somewhere else, and come back when the land was once again habitable.

I was leaving with a heavy heart because I knew my daughter was not coming with us. She wanted to stay on earth. She had seen her future, and it involved staying here to help the people if there were any left survive. She was a high priestess of Anubis. She was adored and worshipped, and she felt it was her job, her calling, her mission to stay with the people through this journey of death.

I did not fear for her safety. I know Anubis would take care of her, heal her back to health if she was wounded. She herself was a gifted healer, and probably could heal herself if needed. But I feared that this task that she taken on would be too much for her. She did not want to admit, but staying here would bring her great suffering as well as great power. Sometimes I wondered if she was doing it for the power for she was such a greedy person, but another part of me knew she felt responsible for the people here, our people, her people.

Could we have stopped the comet? She thinks we could have, with all of our power, but I am not so sure. I am a fatalist at heart, and if we were meant to stop the comet we would have found a way. What we did instead was find a way to escape, so we could take all of earth’s brilliant treasures to another planet for safekeeping until this planet was ready to once again support life.

Already the floods had submerged most of what we had called Atlantis. And this comet would destroy the great capital of Atlantis, which we call Egypt. The Council of Elders had promised those who were ready to leave this planet,  that a team of scientists had gathered to try and find away to stop the planet earth from being destroyed by space debris. The endless cycle of rebirth and destruction was retarding the growth of this planet. Whenever progress was being made, another comet would come around to destroy everything that was built so it was lie starting from scratch all over again. Some had even said we would not be allowed to come back to earth, unless we had a solution to this ongoing barrage of space debris like comets hitting the planet and constantly pushing back the forward evolution of earth

I hope they figure it out and figure it out fast.

Another Bouquets to Art 2016 pic 

Another pic from the Bouquets to Art exhibit

Not a memory from a past life, but a photo from my present life. This pic was taken at the Bouquets to Art exhibit at the de Young museum in San Francisco. 

A past life memory from an ancient time on the planet Venus.

I thought I loved him, and that our love was strong enough for anything. We had already been through so much together in countless number of lifetimes. Had he not saved me? Had he not rescued me from those many lifetimes where I was exploring my darkside, reveling in the cold and cruel world of negativity? Until I was finally able to leave all of it behind and come back to the light.

But what he was asking was too much. I knew it deep down. I told him, argued with him, but he wouldn't listen. And now I had a choice. Either join him to go down to that new planet which was only just evolving or stay here, and perhaps never see him for God only knows how long.

I went to the window of our house and looked outside. I loved our house here on Venus. The redness of this world was so beautiful. The heat was divine. We had built this house here on this rather desolate planet as our refuge. No one really lived here anymore since the planet was too hot for any kind of life to survive. But we liked it only because we could adapt to any planetary conditions and still live a normal kind of life. This was supposed to be our refuge, where we would stay and rest, not go of traipsing on some unknown planet that was exploring the concept of limitation in every form.

Staring out of the window of this house usually snapped me out of any misery, but not this time. I turned around and walked over to  large crystal sculpture which was sitting on a table in the entrance to our home. It looked like any art piece only it wasn’t just an art piece. It was a record of every life I had ever lived.

I had an incarnation as a crystal being, and the nature of a crystal was to record everything into each of the crystal cells. But crystals are hard and can be chipped off, which I found out by mistake in another life. Every time I chipped off a piece of myself, the crystal would contain all the memories of the life had lived. And so I made the practice after every life to chip two small pieces off of myself. I believe some might call pieces of their soul, but it was really just pieces of my being.

One piece would be buried in the land that I had lived. The crystal piece would hold all the memories and also act as a locator, in case I ever wanted to return to this place for any reason. I had never gone back to any place, but it was nice to know I could go back to any place I had ever been. The second piece came back with me to this house, and was fitted to the sculpture. The best thing about the sculpture was I could touch a crystal and download all of the memories from that life.

I wanted to touch that sculpture again  and relive all of our happy memories. I hadn't touched the sculpture in millions of years, but I couldn’t honestly remember the last time I had been this unhappy. I needed those memories now. I needed those thousand of lifetimes of our memories to help me choose what to do. I couldn’t lose him again, not now.

A post not about a past life memory

I changed the blog to focus on past life memories, but I am going to break my own rule and write a review of “Any Human Heart”, a series I binge-watched on Amazon Prime yesterday.

Here’s the link to the show - https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Any_Human_Heart_(TV_series. The serieswon the BAFTA award for Best Drama serial in 2011, and is based on a novel. The novel writer also wrote the teleplay.

Okay, confession time. The series stars Matthew Macfadyen (https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Matthew_Macfadyen), a British actor who starred in Spooks (MI-5), Little Dorritt, and was Mr Darcy to Keira Knightley’s Lizzie Bennet in a recent Pride and Prejudice movie remake. I have a major film actor crush on Mr. Macfadyen.  God, the man is so cute and adorable. I like that his emotions show in his eyes, and for an English guy, he looks like he’s got some heft to him and is not super thin. I like my boys with some meat on them. Seriously, sleeping in bed with a too thin guy is like sleeping in bed with a hairy girl size wise… YUCKY! The one time I did it, I was afraid to lay my head on the guy’s chest for fear of being too heavy. NO THANKS.

Back to Any Human Heart.  Apart from being a good story about a person’s life, the movie struck me on a very deep level for the following reasons.

Reason # 1. The main character in the tv series lived a very long life, but was really only happy for I would say 15-20% of his adult life, and that was when he was with the woman who was the true love of his life.

• OMG. This frightening fact is so sad, and I think fairly true. I mean, how many people do you know are in a relationship with the person they know at some darn deep level is the true love of their life? And then count how many of those couples if you can find them in your life, are still together? Don’t think you are going to get a high number here.
• Think of the implications of this fact. Let’s say you live 60 years of adult life, which is not an unreasonable figure given medical advances. But on average out of those 60 years, only 20% of your life will be really happy with the definition of happiness meaning you are with the love of your life and the relationship is for the most part content. That 20% means 12 years, which then means the other 48 years will either be you wishing to meet the love of your life, or if you’ve met them and for whatever reason they're not with you anymore, you’re going to spend the rest of your life wanting them to be there until at the end of your life, and then you’re going to imagine them calling out to you and when you physically die. You are also going to end up being with people or marrying people who remind you of that true love of your life, because being alone is never fun, but they can never be that person, and then you are going to resent them for not being that person and you will make them and yourself miserable. Oh, and don't forget you will probably hate yourself for trying to marry the fake love of your life. And then if you are so inclined, you will medicate yourself with drugs, alcohol or both, to escape the relationship hell that you’ve gotten yourself into.  These are not pleasant thoughts.
• Or you could be like me, and wondering if there is anyone I would like to see at very end of my life when death is about to take me, and realize, no person comes to mind. The implication of this situation means could mean a variety of things:
• You’ve never truly met the love of your life, and I mean the true love of your life, because this is the person you want to see on your death bed calling to you from the other side to be with them. The implications of this scenario are mind boggling as well, especially if you thought you might have met the true love of your life and told that person that, and are now regretting it because it was just one big fat lie.
• You are incapable of feeling the depth of emotion required to have one great love of your life, which implies you may be shallow and don’t even know it.
• You were born amazingly emotionally stunted from birth, and just never got the hang of the whole emotion thing.
• You’ve never been in love before, which I cannot even imagine what this feels like because I am one of those people who fall in love quite easily.
• You’ve had such a horrific childhood that falling in love with someone is just not something will ever happen in your life because you are so emotional f-ed up. 
• I could go on and on, but the last point is making me too sad so I have to move on to the next point.

Reason # 2. Growing old and not having enough money is not a good thing. I mean being any age and not having money is never a good thing, but at least up to a certain age you can go out and get a job.  As one ages, getting a decent job to support yourself becomes harder and harder, which means having enough money to buy food is difficult.  The new fangled term for not having enough money to buy food is called “food insecurity”. It sounds a bit better than starving, but it practically means the same thing.

• Feeding America reported that in 2013 that 9% of all senior were food insecure. With the way food prices have gone up, I am sure that number is higher now.
• And there are tons of anecdotal stories of seniors surviving on cat or dog food because it is cheaper and they think they need to eat some sort of protein to live.
• I do not want to be one of those people who are forced to eat pet food. That just freaks me out. I’m not even sure if it’s real meat in the pet food anyway, at least not the kind of meat most people are used to eating. I mean for all I know, it could be horse food or a sci-fi nightmare like Soylent Green which is food made from people. In the recent movie Snowpiercer, they ground up insects to make protein bars.
• I am so ready to start learning how to eat low calorie or the LifeExtension diet, the theory of which being to live longer you need to start eating less food. But I really don’t care about living longer. I just think it might come in hand to start learning how to eat less now, so that by the time I get to senior age I will be used to not eating a lot of food. The LifeExtension diet is also very low protein and almost no cooking, which would be perfect if you are an old git and don’t want to cook anymore.

Reason # 3. When you live a long life, you are inevitably going to be in situations where you have to get up and go, and I mean literally get up and go  and where all you have is a few possessions because either there is an impending disaster or war and you need to get the heck out of dodge. There is a disaster or war and you lose all of your possessions because your dwelling place is no longer there anymore.

• When I work up this morning, I realized that I had way to many possessions. And that if an impending disaster natural or otherwise were to happen, I could lose everything and have to start over.
• I remember this couple whose house burnt down in the Oakland Hills fire years ago. They told me the things they wished they had saved were their family and wedding pictures. They took some possessions when they evacuated, but they never thought to take their pictures. The couple had just gotten married a few years earlier, and the woman was so bummed out not to have saved her wedding pictures.
• So other than pictures, what is there to really hold onto? Jewelry maybe, because some of them need to be kept for sentimental reasons because they belonged to long dead family members. I’m not sure what else. My writings? Maybe, but they can always be recreated. And if there were was a total disaster, who is to say that I would be able to access all the stuff that is now stored on a computer or drive or on the Internet. Would I even have access to a computer if I stored everything on the web.
• What is so sad for me is as I survey all my possessions, I would be a little sad were I lose them, but mostly I would be freaked out at having to replace them after losing them.
• And when you get old, I don’t think I am going to living in a very large place. I mean, who is going to want to do housework for a big place when you get old even if you the money to have a big place. You are going to want something very small with little to no cleaning. As seriously when you get very old, your senses go anyway. I’ve walked into old people’s house that just stank really bad and I don’t think they knew how bad it smelled because their sense of smell was practically non-existent. And once your eye sights goes, are you really going to notice whether something is dusty or not?
• Even traveling becomes a pain because when you get really old, you lose a lot strength and lugging about a large suitcase is not going to work for you anymore. I saw an older woman going to Kauai with a small suitcase. I thought she would be able to handle it, but she needed help lifting it up into the overhead bins. And the suitcase was really small, maybe 18 inches. I don't even know how she was going to get around Kauai because you need a car when you’re there. But I heard her make taxi reservations to go to the Kauai Marriott, which I thought was a good choice for an older person because you don’t have to leave the resort. They have restaurants onsite, the beach is there, and they probably have shuttles to take you places if needed. I mean it’s expensive but at least all your needs are taken care of at the resort.

Okay, now I am really depressed and want to watch the tv series again. I also want to own the DVD and may even read the book.

I remember reading that hip hop artists love the Brian de Palm movie Scarface for the lessons. Any Human Heart is having the same impact on me. I may have to watch this series bunches of times to absorbe all the lessons, but there are definitely lessons in this Brit tv series.