Okay, I guess I should do a 2005 recap and analyze what kind of year it's been. After a shaky beginning having to do with me getting over my breakup with the red-haired guy, it's turned out to be a good year.

In June I met M-Square which was so cool! I haven't met a guy I've really, really like in a long time, and I mean really liked. RHG was fun but M-Square so blows him away. And we just had our six-month anniversary which is so phenomenal. It's been years since I've been in a relationship that's lasted this long, and I'm still not bored. This is definitely a very good sign.

What else? I bought a laptop early in the year which has been such a god-send, that I don't know why I didn't buy one earlier.

Finance wise, I managed to save 10% of my income and also contributed to my 401(k) at work. This is good news for me. I paid off my car loan finally.

Writing wise, it's been an up and down year but I am writing. I submitted a story for publication and got turned down, but I'm happy that I was able to even get to the point of submitting a story. I've got to do more of this in 2006. I joined a new screenwriting class and learned that I can hold my own with writers who have agents. This was a good feeling, and has given me confidence about my own abilities.

Health wise I'm fitting back into my size 8 jeans, jeans that I outgrew some time in December. Hopefully, 2006 will be the year I get my weight down to a number I can maintain easily and control.

Friendship wise, I made four new friends this year. I like when I make new friends. S is a writer too and we're planning to go to a Learning Annex class about agents in February. S is cool and is interested in many of the same things I'm interested in. Then there's my ex-cubemate from Stanford, M. M is cool. She's also a writer and we have fun hanging together. We saw Rent, Memoirs of a Geisha, and The Chronicles of Narnia, together. D & C are also new friends whom I met at work. D left the company but we're still keeping in touch. C is also a writer and she told me I inspired her to start writing again. I think she'd make a great editor for me, since she has PhD in English and was hired to be a writer at my company.

My old friend D was just hired by my company working for HR. When we worked together, we used to hang out and go to lunch every week. She and I are planning to resume our lunchtime habits in 2006. It's so great to have a lunch buddy at work.

Creativity wise, other than writing I took two beading classes and am making my own jewelry. I even made M-Square an earring from these extra beads I had and sent it to him. He thinks it might be a little too feminine for him to wear, but I don't think so. I like that we have matching earrings. It's so cute!

So all in all, it's been a good year.

I'm sure everyone has seen this list but it's very interesting anyway. How many of these gadgets have you owned?

The Complete List of PC World's 50 Greatest Gadgets

PC World's list of the top 50 tech gadgets of the last half century was assembled after we polled our editors for nominations. We then rated the nominated gadgets for usefulness, design, degree of innovation, influence on subsequent gadgets, and the "cool factor." Here are the results. (For more on our 50 Greatest Gadgets project, see the full story.)

1. Sony Walkman TPS-L2 (1979) - my favourite - I was addicted to mine for a long time and owned several versions. The last one I had finally broke last year.
Apple iPod (2001)
(Tie) ReplayTV RTV2001 and TiVo HDR110 (1999)
PalmPilot 1000 (1996)
Sony CDP-101 (1982)
Motorola StarTAC (1996)
Atari Video Computer System (1977)
Polaroid SX-70 Land Camera (1972)
M-Systems DiskOnKey (2000)
Regency TR-1 (1954)
Sony PlayStation 2 (2000)
Motorola Razr V3 (2004)
Motorola PageWriter (1996)
BlackBerry 850 Wireless Handheld (1998)
Phonemate Model 400 (1971)
Texas Instruments Speak & Spell (1978)
Texas Instruments SR-10 (1973)
Diamond Multimedia Rio PMP300 %281998)
Sony Handycam DCR-VX1000 (1995)
Handspring Treo 600 (2003)
Zenith Space Command (1956)
Hamilton Pulsar (1972)
Kodak Instamatic 100 (1963)
MITS Altair 8800 (1975)
Radio Shack TRS-80 Model 100 (1983)
Nintendo Game Boy (1989)
Commodore 64 (1982)
Apple Newton MessagePad (1994)
Sony Betamax (1975)
Sanyo SCP-5300 (2002)
iRobot Roomba Intelligent Floorvac (2002)
Microsoft Intellimouse Explorer (1999)
Franklin Rolodex Electronics REX PC Companion (1997)
Lego Mindstorms Robotics Invention System 10 (1998)
Motorola DynaTAC 8000X (1983)
Iomega Zip Drive (1995)
Magnavox Magnavision Model 8000 DiscoVision Videodisc Player (1978)
Milton Bradley Simon (1978)
Play, Inc Snappy Video Snapshot (1996)
Connectix QuickCam (1994)
BellSouth/IBM Simon Personal Communicator (1993)
Motorola Handie Talkie HT-220 Slimline (1969)
Polaroid Swinger (1965)
Sony Aibo ERS-110 (1999)
Sony Mavica MVC-FD5 (1997)
Learjet Stereo-8 (1965)
Timex/Sinclair 1000 (1982)
Sharp Wizard OZ-7000 (1989)
Jakks Pacific TV Games (2002)
Poqet PC Model PQ-0164 (1990)

The Link.

The Top Politically inCorrect Words and Phrases for 2005:

1. Misguided Criminals for Terrorist: The BBC attempts to strip away all emotion by using what it considers neutral descriptions when describing those who carried out the bombings in the London Tubes. The rub: the professed intent of these misguided criminals was to kill, without warning, as many innocents as possible (which is the common definition for the term, terrorist). The phrase was selected by GLM as but one example in line with the published BBC Editorial Guidelines where it is noted that the word 'terrorist' itself can be a barrier rather than aid to understanding. Suggested alternatives include: bomber, attacker, insurgent and militant, among others. These and similar words are deemed to have no emotional or value judgments. However, the word Terrorist can be used as long as it appears in a quoted attribution.

2. Intrinsic Aptitude (or lack thereof) was a suggestion by Lawrence Summers, the president of Harvard, on why women might be underrepresented in engineering and science. He was nearly fired for his speculation.

3. Thought Shower or Word Shower substituting for brainstorm so as not to offend those with brain disorders such as epilepsy.

4. Scum or "la racaille" for French citizens of Moslem and North African descent inhabiting the projects ringing French Cities. France's Interior Minister, Nicolas Sarkozy, used this most Politically inCorrect (and reprehensible) label to describe the young rioters (and by extension all the inhabitants of the Cites).

5. Out of the Mainstream when used to describe the ideology of any political opponent: At one time slavery was in the mainstream, thinking the sun orbited the earth was in the mainstream, having your blood sucked out by leeches was in the mainstream. What's so great about being in the mainstream?

6. Deferred Success as a euphemism for the word fail. The Professional Association of Teachers in the UK considered a proposal to replace any notion of failure with deferred success in order to bolster students self-esteem.

7. Womyn for Women to distance the word from man. This in spite of the fact that the term man in the original Indo-European is gender neutral (as have been its successors for some 5,000 years).

8. C.E. for A.D.: Is the current year A.D. 2005 or 2005 C.E.? There is a movement to strip A.D. (Latin for "In the Year of the Lord") from the year designation used in the West since the 5th century and replace it with the supposedly more neutral Common Era (though the zero reference year for the beginning of the Common Era remains the year of Christ's birth).

9. "God Rest Ye Merry Persons" for "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen": A Christmas, eh, Holiday, carol with 500 years of history is not enough to sway the Anglican Church at Cardiff Cathedral (Wales) from changing the original lyrics. There are those who suggest going one step further: "Higher Power Rest Ye Merry Persons".

10. Banning the word Mate: the Department of Parliamentary Services in Canberra issued a general warning to its security staff banning the use of the word 'mate' in dealings t with both members of Parliament and the public. What next? banning 'no worries' so as not to offend the worried, or banning 'Down Under' So as not to offend those of us who live in the "Up Over".

The link to the article.

I saw two more movies this week.

Chronicles of Narnia was great! It's fun to see a book you've read come to life on screen. The film pretty much stuck to the plot of the book like the first Harry Potter movie. I loved Aslan. Is he symbolic of JC? Who knows ... if you're JC-inclined, everything will remind you of him. Heck, I saw "Field of Dreams" and I thought the line "If you build it, he will come" was all about JC. The four child actors were great. The British film industy must be having a field day because of all of these movies with Brit child actors.

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire was very good as well. It was the first Potter movie where I was really engrossed in the plot. All the actors have grown up, except Daniel Radcliffe it seems. Hermoine looks much as older as does Ron and his brothers. And Neville Longbottom has gotten so tall. This film was much darker which is in keeping with the book. Harry and Ron make perfect goofy awkward teenagers; they are both definitely late bloomers.

Happy New Year's Eve! I'm at home watching tv. Boring huh? I didn't know what the weather was going to be like so I didn't make any plans. Just as well, the storm last night was so intense! I kept waking up every two hours from the noise of the rain hitting my windows.

I had lobster for Christmas so I am repeating that incredibly delicious dinner and having lobster again tonight.

I am watching the news about the flooding in the North Bay. Just last January my friend and I were up there and it's weird to see the places we visited now flooded. I should be grateful I have power. Some people in the city are without power tonight.

Here's a good exercise to do for the new year. Name Your Year. My screenwriting teacher Madeline gave us this exercise and she swears it works.; you have to be careful though. Her mother named 2005 to be year of fun and adventure and she ended up moving to Costa Rica. I named 2006 to be "A year of events happening in my life that will make me delightfully happy". It's vague but it should cover everything I want for myself next year.

I sp0ke to M-Square earlier and he was exhausted. He went to work today and there was so much to do. I miss him but it's probably a good thing I didn't drive down there with the rainy weather. Some of the roads I would have driven back home on have been flooded. I'm going to talk to him later if he doesn't fall asleep first. Business has been slow but it picked these last couple of weeks so the boy is making money, which is always a good thing.

I got my car fixed and everything is alright. The airbag light problem is finally fixed and the car has dried out although it does smell a little mildewy. I'm going to have it detailed next next month.

I went to see the famous prison Alcatraz on Thursday and below are some of my fotos.

A sign at the entrance to the Alcatraz prison.

A pretty plant on the island.

A cell block at Alcatraz; it's very small.

This is disturbing news to me ...

Full-scale terrorist attacks against Israel will resume Jan. 1 unless Abbas surrenders to terms laid down by Jihad Islami, the Popular Resistance Committees and Fatah-al Aqsa BrigadesDecember 26, 2005, 10:32 PM (GMT+02:00)

DEBKAfile reports: Palestinian leader Mahmoud Abbas has refused to withdrawthe 200 Palestinian security personnel posted in the northern Gaza Strip, sofrustrating the Sharon government’s no-go tactic in this region and effortsto curb Qassam attacks. This Palestinian force therefore provides the Qassam missile crews with a protective umbrella against Israeli artillery, which isforced to confine its shelling to vacant land.Taking part in the Qassam offensive now are the Jihad Islami and factions ofthe Al Aqsa Brigades backed and paid by the Fatah old guard, led by prime minister Ahmed Qureia, which is now at war with Mahmoud Abbas. If Abbas refuses to postpone the January 25 election - in obedience to their diktat -these groups plus the PRC will re-ignite full-scale attacks on Israel. Thisis designed to prompt large-scale Israeli retaliation and generate a crisis that precludes voting - and so deprive Hamas of its predicted victory. Their deadline for this ultimatum is Jan. 1. Israel has thus become a hostage to the Palestinian factional war. Earlier Monday, a Fatah-al Aqsa Brigades spokesman revealed the acquisitionof new missiles of 25km range, the first able to reach to points north ofAshkelon. He spoke of creating a Palestinian buffer belt on Israeli territory north of the Gaza Strip.

I can't sleep so I'm posting.

I've been on movie watching binge while on vacation this week.

Walk the Line - great movie! Joaquin Phoenix and Reese Witherspoon do their own singing. My screenwriting seminar leader told the group that Hollywood stars are looking for scripts where they can show the world that they can sing, so expect more biopics of famous singers. Perhaps the LA Times review was right when the reviewer said that the stars sing better than the original, that's sad huh? Gotta love June Carter Cash because she stood by her man through thick and thin.

Munich - again, I have to agree with what the LA Times have been saying about this movie. You'll have to read it to find out. It's definitely worth seeing, but the message is mixed. Superb acting by a wonderful cast, especially Ciaran Hinds who was Captain Wentworth in Persuasion and in Oscar and Lucinda. Eric Bana was also quite good, playing again the reluctant warrior that he so skillfully portrayed in Troy and Blackhawk Down. It is Speilberg's most mature and most ambitious movie of his career and it makes you think. At least it did me.

Aeon Flux - yes, I had to see the movie even though it got bad reviews. If you're a Charlize Theron fan then you have to see it because there be lots of pratically nekkid shots of her. Love her nightgown by the way. The movie had amazing special effects, and I really liked the story. It's a great scifi story with a love story thrown in. I would definitely see this again.

Syriana - a very good but complicated movie value wise. All the critics are putting it on their top ten list. The movie was written and directed by the guy who wrote Traffic. If you liked how Traffic looked at the drug trade, you'll like how this guy dealt with the oil situation. Sadly, it is that complicated and morally ambigious. There are no easy answers to the problems in that part of the country, despite what the war protestors tell you. And if you're driving a gas guzzling car and not living off the grid then you, like everyone else is very dependent on oil.

And may I remind you that the policy to protect America's oil interests at all costs was set forth by former democratic president Jimmy Carter during the Arab oil embargo in the 1970's, and that every american president including Clinton has followed that policy.

What I admired was how the writer brought in the Chinese question. Once China gets a hold of the oil and that country is doing all it can to do it, expect gas and oil prices and the price of everything connected to oil to rise including heating, electricity and food because foods has to get trucked in from somewhere to rise. Once the Chinese get the oil they need, their financial markets will make the US financial markets seem like a medieval village trading show. And when that happens, and it's when not if, then well, we will all be in a mess of trouble.

Some silly yahoo thing that's part of my email account. I used to wear my hair like this in college. I think she's supposed to look like me.

I didn't know you could upload photos with blogger. I just downloaded the images from my digital camera onto my laptop. Here are some pictures of the coast line in Marin I took last year.

A view from the North.

Looking towards the South.

A pretty rock.

This is a picture of one of the jewelry sets I made over Christmas. It's made of amethyst chips, amethyst coloured balls, and sterling silver pretty squares and flowery beads.

Well, I guess I am not going to so my boy down south after all. He's got bronchitis and on antiobiotics and working all week. And he had a good point when he told me I need to get my car checked out this week, because God forbid something should happen to my car as I'm driving down to LA.

I'm kind of relieved. I've never driven down to LA by myself before. It's a very long drive. The farthest I've ever driven was four hours and with LA traffic, the drive could be eight hours. I won't say that I'm not bummed, but I was tellng a friend of mine that when I saw M-Square over Labor Day it was perfect and we did a ton of haggling for that weekend to happen.

M-Square said he needed to sort some things about his job. I think he should stick it out. It's driving him insane because it's very stressful and he has to work long hours, but I think over time it will be very financially successful. He just has to learn to manage it better. Plus despite the insane working hours, he has alot of freedom in this job that he wouldn't have in a job in corporate America.

So I'm at home this week on vacation and relaxing. I took two beadmaking classes and I've so far made four necklace, bracelet and earring sets. If I can figure out how to work the digital camera my cousin gave me last year, I'll post pictures of my creative venture.

I love making jewelry. I even paid the city a fee to get a business license so I can write off my beading purchases on my taxes. I'd like to be able to sell the stuff I make, but mostly I want to be able to write off this very expensive hobby.

I have to figure out how to buy beadmaking supplies wholesale. So far I've only been buying stuff retail because I have no idea where the wholesale stores are. Once I figure that out I'll be very happy.

I don't konw if I'll be able to sell my jewelry though. I make jewelry for myself to wear and I don't know if I could part with anything if somebody wanted to buy it. I had the same experience when I was making art collages, and a guy in class asked me if he could buy one of my collages. He said he would pay me $50 for this piece I made on the theme of beauty. I was very torn. I probably should have let him buy it and then I could have had the satisfaction of being a paid artist.

What I should have done was take a picture or a copied the artwork through a copy machine, and then sell it. Then at least I would have some record of the piece before it left my hands. That guy would have probably put my art collage up in his house and had it framed and everything. Right now that collage is sitting in my art collage portfolio gathering dust. I haven't looked at the piece since that class. Silly huh?

If I would have sold it to Peter, my art would have hopefully been framed and shown to people and lived the life of a beloved piece of artwork instead of being forgotten by the artist and put away and thought about in odd moments.

I am watching the last broadcast of Monday Night Football. What a sad incident! I have so many memories growing up and watching Monday Night Football with the family, and then later as an adult going to Monday Night Football parties or watching it in various bars all over the country.

They say it's moving to ESPN but it won't be the same. But I guess it's inevitable as John Madden and Al Michaels are getting old and I don't think the ratings have been that great. Ah well, it's another American institution ending and a sad night for football fans the world over.

I don't know about you, but ESPN has the worst announcers! Some of those guys are like so illiterate. Let's hope they get better broadcasters. Hey, does this mean we won't get to see the jumprope competition or the those huge guys chopping logs on ESPN anymmore?

I can't end the posts for the day on such a negative note. I've lost about 10 pounds with all the dramarama going on with car and at work. So once again, my size 8 jeans are fitting again. YEAH! I haven't been able to get into those jeans since I broke up with the red-headed guy. It's nice to have my jeans fit again. Of course, my gigoundous tummy is still there because when I lose weight it comes off my bum and legs first and off my stomach last, but I am very happy to be fitting into my clothes again.

So I guess my new year's resolution for next year is again to try and lose more weight to get rid of my tummy. I'd like to drop another 20 pounds or so and get back into a size 6 which I was starting to get into two years ago before I changed jobs.

I joined weight watchers and although I've been too busy to go to meetings, it must have helped because I did lose weight. Not a lot of weight but enough for my pants to fit again.

This week has been about me having adventures with car care. The back of my car got flooded from all the rain. There was in inch of water on the floor in the backseat of my car. When I took it to the dealership, they told me that the drains in my moon roof were clogged and the clogging caused the rain to seep into me car. Who knew you were supposed to clean the moon roof drains. I have my my moon roof open all the time when I drive because I hate having wind on my face and hair when I drive.

I called my insurance company and they said I could get it covered under flooding. Thank god for car insurance. To drain and clean out my car cost me about $1200, but I only paid the deductible of $250. Okay, that was adventure # 2.

Adventure # 1 which I'm still reeling and in shock about happened in November. I took a friend of mine to the pet store to get a cat scratcher for her new cat and then we went out to dinner. I didn't even drink but I don't need booze to get myself into a dummy car fender bender.

The opening into my driveway is very small and I am usually careful driving into for fear of scraping my car. Well, I guess three rootbeers was enough to get me going because I ended up scraping the passenger side doors of my car. It looked like a some huge animal with sharp claws took a swipe at my car, because I scraped against brick. Oh my god, I am such a bonehead!

I felt like my co-worker at work who ran her BMW into the pylon in the parking garage at the job we both used to be at. We used to always joke that one of us was going to hit the pylon and it was her. My co-worker called her insurance company and the woman told her not to report it because it was an accident she caused herself and based on that, the insurance company would raise her rates.

So I decided not to call my insurance company because I don't need my car insurance rates to get any higher, and instead took it to the shop that repaired my car three or four years ago when I got into that accident on the Bay Bridge. I told another friend of mine about my accident, and she told me that she had similar type accident. She didn't report it as well and never got her SUV fixed.

I think if the scratch wasn't so bad I probably wouldn't have bothered to get it fixed, but it was really, really bad. So I took it the shop and the guy fixed and even gave me a discount because I was a previous customer. But even with the discount, I had to shell out $1,800. God, that really, really hurt! Still does as a matter of fact.

So remember how it's a saying of mine that bad things come in threes, or maybe four as the case may be.

After I picked up my car at the dealer on Friday, the dealership guy told me my airbag light was on and I told him that it was fine when I brought my car. So now I have to take the car back to the shop next week so they can take a look at it and diagnose what's wrong. The dealership guy said they would do it the diagnosis for free because the service people might have done something to my car when they were trying to air it and dry it.

The dang car still smells kind of mildewy but at least the water is gone. I'm going to have to blow some cash in the next couple of months to get the car detailed to see if they can get rid of the smell. I put two new car air fresheners in today hopoing that would help.

And then there was the matter of the knob that controls the side mirrors on my car breaking. That cost me another $100 or so dollar to fix. Then as I'm driving home from the dealership yesterday, I noticed my AC was on. The garage probably had my AC on high to dry the car. Well, now the AC light sometimes doesn't go on, and the airflor switch next to it isn't working.

I swear to god I am not buying a european car again. All my friends who have japanese cars never have this kind of stuff happen to their car!

But wait it's not over. This is bad adventures with my car # 3. After picking up my car from the dealership, I decided I needed to get some things at Target and then at Costco. On the way home from Costco as I'm driving home on 280, I noticed there was a crack in the windshield on the driver side, my side. I was like freaking out. Someone had tried to break into my car. They tried to smash the windshield and as I found out later in the morning, whoever was trying to break into my car had used some kind of sharp instrument to pry open the bottom covering of my windshield. And this all happened in the Costco parking lot because I was in a hurry and just grabbed the first open spot I could which was far from the store entrance. And I'm like okay this is my lesson. I need to park at night as close to the store entrance as possible or to a more populated portion of the parking lot and under a light. Parking far away with no overhead lights is just inviting trouble.

My poor car. Thank god the idiot theives couldn't break my windshield. For all the problems I've had with german fat boy car, my baby has protected me. It's a well-built strong little car, able to take a lot of knocks without totally getting wrecked. But my baby car gets a ton of love too. The owner of the shop that fixed my dented and scratched door told me he could tell my car was well taken care of and that my engine sounded great.

So again for the second time this week I call my insurance company and they said glass damage was covered under my policy. So luckily I was able to get an appointment at noon and my windshield was replaced and all I had to pay was my deductible of $250. My insurance company is so going to hate me and will probably raise my car insurance rates to the sky come renewal.

My car insurance rates area already large just because I live in the city and county of San Francisco. I have a friend who insures two cars and because she lives in Oakland, she insures two cars for less than what I have to pay for my one car. I asked the insurance rep about this once, and they told me car insurance companies determine rates all by zipcode. And apparently I live in the high insurance rate zipcode.

So my holiday car adventures which are far from over have cost me about $2,500 this year. It has not been a very joyous christmas for me financially. I mean I have money to pay for all of this, but still! I could have used that money for other things. I really want to visit M-Square for New Years and drive down to the LB but with my car luck these last two months, I don't know if it's a good idea. Plus, I'm like thinking I probably should just stay home and not wreck my car and not spend any money.

What's trippy is that I just finished paying off my car and I have the title to my car, and now all this crap happens. What is up with that? I guess I should try to be positive. Bad things are happening to my car and luckily not to me personally. But still, I'm the one who has to pay when bad things happen to my car. And yes, I was an amazing dumb dumb bonehead for hitting the side of my apartment building but at least no one saw me. My friend hit another car at her parking garage and the parkkng attendant saw her and reported her to the police and now she's got a point on her license. Apparently when you hit a stationery vehicle it's considered a moving violation. So things could be bad for me like her friend because having points on your license automatically raises your car insurance rates.

I'm like way whining here but it's been a horrible four weeks I think. The only positive things things are I have a new passenger side door, which is great because there were a couple of scratches on that door. Now my car almost looks brand new. I also have a new windshield, which means those stupid college parking stickers that I stuck on inside of my windshield and which I couldn't take off are now gone.

And of course, M-Square and I survived the winter holidays which makes everyone cranky and depressed. We're still together and it's my bestest christmas present ever!

Merry Christmas eve everyone! I'm at home stuffed from eating lobster. M-Square is spending Christmas eve with his kids. Yes, the guy has children. I received an early taste of what the winter holidays will be like with this guy, and it's so unknown territory for me. My parents stayed together so I am clueless of the protocol of divorced parents and their kids. It's a hard world to be in for a kid and for the parents, I think.

M-Square has never seen his kids at both Thanksgiving and Christmas, so this Christmas is a first and very, very big deal for him. My friend Melissa was telling me about her boyfriend and his issues with the holidays since he is from a divorced home. She says years later as an adult he still get depressed over the holidays. Melissa told me that either I get used to it or I get out now.

M-Square and I celebrated our 6-month anniversary on Friday. He said 6-months was a milestone for him, and I told him for me too! It's a been a long and rocky six months, but we're still together and us still together is my best christmas gift ever!

So okay, I'm alone on Christmas but I think it's fine. I am seriously dreading next Christmas with me in LA and us most likely living together and having to deal with his kids and the holidays. A friend of mine told me I will always be the evil stepmother ... something to look forward to huh?

Yes, I am still here! Thanks for asking. I've been busy at work and having a case of the blue meanies and the holiday blues. M-Square and I are still together which is my best Christmas present ever, but ... it's been a shaky couple of weeks. What is about the holidays that freaks everyone including myself out!

I decided I completely and totally hate my job and that I will never be promoted working for the people that I do. My boss' boss totally hates and is jealous of me. My cubemate, whom I've grown very close to in these last three months, suffers from the same fate. She's a smart kid who just graduated from Stanford, and my boss' boss shut her down because she came up with ideas that my boss' boss hadn't even thought of. The poor dumb witch couldn't take it and starting getting mean. It's the same thing that happened to me.

But, you know what? I don't care. I can't care! My immediate boss is really nice, and she told me if I wanted to move to Southern California to be with M-Square, I can still keep my job. And this is the only reason I am staying in my current job, even though it is spiritually totally killing me. It's so difficult to know that I don't dare sound intelligent because I know I'll get shut down for fear of showing my boss' boss up. But whatever!!! That is her karma and I'm a total believer in karma.

As soon as I move to SoCal and get settled with M-Square, I can start job hunting again. But until then, I'm going to have to be very British and have a stiff upper lip and just deal with it.

The people at Blue Calico are so nice. They sell dinnerware from the Burgess Dorling & Leigh's Middleport Pottery, the oldest continuously producing pottery in Staffordshire, England. Burgess Dorling & Leigh, maker of Burleighware®, is the only pottery in Stoke-on-Trent which makes all of its blue and white ware using the ancient transfer-print process.

I have the Blue Arden pattern and my teacup saucer broke, and they said they would contact the Pottery to find out if they have extra stock or could have one made for me since they don't make the particular teacup and saucer set I have anymore. Aren't they great?

I am a blue and white dish fiend! All my dinnerware is blue and white, and I especially love English dinnerware. I have Burleighware and Spode. I also love Denby too, and would buy them if they made blue and white dishes.

Happy Thanksgiving!

I'm at home now and my tummy is completely distended! I didn't eat breakfast hoping that would help, but I ate too much and I now my tummy totally hurts. Oh well! I had a fun dinner at my friend's house. Her fiance's son and his wife and kid were there and a guy friend of ours hadn't seeen in years, who brought two fo his friends.

I made maple glazed carrots and broccoli with a crunchy bread crumb topping with orange zest. I found the most heavenly citrus zester! It's so delightful to have a tool that makes your cooking chore so easy. I'm going to have get one for all of my friends. Who doesn't need a amazing citruz zester!

I spoke to M-Square this morning before he took off to see his kids. I miss him, and I guess if we stay together I'm going to have get used to him having to be with his kids during the holidays. I think the next time I have thanksgiving it will be somewhere in Orange County with M-Square and his kids.

My aunt from Hawaii called and I told her about him. She liked that he once played football for University of Hawaii. My cousin is going to look him up in the alumni database to see if she can find anything about him. My cousin, who is an assistant DA on Kauai, went to undergrad and law school at UH.

But my Thanksgiving day wasn't a wasted day. I got up early and did two loads of laundry and then cleaned out my storage closet. I'm going to make a trip to the Salvation Army this weekend to give away stuff. I've got to start paring down my possessions if I'm going to move to Southern California in six months.

I attended the screenwriting group last Sunday and everyone was very nice. I wrote a log line and synopsis for the screenplay I wanted to work on, and got really great feedback. Since I got along very well with the group, they told me I could stay. This screenwriting group has been together for 15 years so I was a little intimidated joining such a long-standing group. But it worked out fine.

One girl was saying how she rewrote her script 99 times, but it was worth it because her agent optioned it. She has another script that is currently being looked at by all these Hollywood production companies.

Madeline is great! She gives very constructive feedback and she definitely knows her stuff having been a TV writer for many years. I didn't feel so bad about my long-distance relationship with M-Square when I heard that Madeline's boyfriend lives in Houston. She used to live there and that's how they met, but then she relocated to LA. He works for NASA and has a good job and since he doesn't have long to retire, he stayed in Houston.

A really good friend of mine who lives in Irvine, met her husband by chance when he was down there visiting. They dated for nine months long distance until they decided it was serious and he relocated his job to be near her. They've been married for a long time and just adopted twin boys. She told me to go slow and to be very sure before I relocate. She said to wait to see if we were still togther by our one year anniversary before I even consider relocating. That's six months away.

It seems like a long time but I know it's not. The time will fly like it usually does and is. Hopefully M-Square's job will get better. I really think he should stick with it because the opportunity for profit sharing is great, but if it doesn't calm down I think he'll leave.

I think I am fighting some kind of stomach flu because I come home exhausted and my tummy keeps hurting. I so haven't felt like writing since I'm not feeling very well.

I just sit on my bed and watch tv and then fall asleep, but it doesn't matter how much sleep I get because I still wake up not feeling quite well.

M-Square is still having work problems and that's too bad. It's so hard to have a relationship when your work life is just stressful and you just want to quit your job. Some days are better than others but on the whole, he is feeling very rotten and stressed out.

We won't be spending Thankgiving together since he is having his kids over. It's way too soon for me to be meeting them.

I got into a little fender bender with my car when I accidentally knicked the side of my apartment building as I was pulling into my very narrow opening. I am usually so careful but not this time. OUCH! The bonehead accident cost a pretty penny to repair, so maybe it's just as well that I'm staying home and not spending any money.

On a whim, I asked my boss if it would be okay if I relocated down to Southern California and kept my job and she said it was fine. She lives in Orange County and flies up here every two weeks. My company wouldn't pay for my relocation, but I could work out of our LA office which is near Marina del Ray.

So for now, I have decided to job hunting. I think it would be better if I have a job if I ever decide to move closer to M-Square. Relocation is stressful enough without having to find another job. There's a guy who works for my company who is relocating down to LA and keeping his job, so it can be done. I had lunch with a girl from the LA office and she said a new guy just got hired in the LA office who is commuting from the Newport Beach area, and I'm thinking if I ever move down there that we perhaps could commute together.

I wish I knew what to do to get over this illness. My stomach is constantly hurting and I have these little aches and pains, not to mention I get tired very easily.

I can see lighting outside of my window and I'm hearing thunder. I can't even remember the last time that there's been a thunderstorm in San Francisco. It's so weird!

Talk about Do-Gooders Writing Bad Propositions! Dummies wrote a ban on handguns in San Francisco, which is of couse well meaning but dumb! SF is running out of money and now the City is going to spend money to defend a stupid law because the gun lobby is suing us. The only people who makes good in this scenario is the damned lawyers! Didn't people expect this to happen? And if they did, wouldn't it have been better not to even put the proposition on the ballot? Talk about fiscal irresponsibility ... I knew this was going to happen so I couldn't vote yes on it and sure enough the suit gets filed immediately.

It's so interesting to read about the riots in France. The French government seem to have absolutely no idea what to do. Some are saying the French riots are the results of multiculturalism gone wrong. You have to wonder if they're right. The best thing about assimilation is it makes people have a common bond, and having a common bond makes sense for people living in community. But anti-assimilationists have been haivng a free reign in the culture wars and I'm wondering what they are saying about the French riots. I'm sure they're theorizing that it's all economics, but is it? That's just way too simplistic don't you think?

Rainer Werner Fassbinder made a film in 1974 called "Ali-Fear Eats the Soul" and I think his commentary on the issues of immigration in Germany was a harbinger of the future. If he were alive today, Fassbinder would say that riots were in France were inevitable and that France should have been planning for it to happen.

I am now at 10,011 words, which means I am caught up for my word count for Sunday. I am taking a break before I work on tonight's word count. I really like the working in on hour increments and then taking a break. Hopefully, I'll be able do get two writing sessions done tonight and stil make my word count for today. But we'll see.

The 49ers lost and I think I will have to do more solid hours of writing to get to my 10,002 word count total for the day. I like writing in one hour increments and then taking a break. That was the advice on the Nanowrimo website and I'm taking it. I'm up to 6,238 words. I have about 4,000 words to go.

Maybe I need to write at home like this more often. I'm sitting on my bed listening to the classical music station and I have the 49er/NY Giants game on and I'm tying on my laptop. When I was writing earier, I had the Raiders/Kansas City game on. It's kind of almost like being in a cafe. There's music and I have something that I look at when I feel bored.

The 49ers are losing, but it's only the end of the third quarter. It would be nice if they could pull it out like they did last week and win. It's cold and wet and foggy outside. I went to the greek fruit and veggie store to buy some blueberries. Blueberries were like $4.99 per box. God, that's expensive, but I need my blueberries.

I am behind in my Nanowrimo word count. I'm supposed to be up to 10,002 words as of today, and I'm only at 4,163. I think I can get caught up today if I have three one-hour writing sessions. So I'm listening to the classical music station and watching the Oakland Raiders Kansas City Game football game.

I got the phone number of a woman from Los Angeles who is leading a screenwriting group in Cupertino once a month from a friend of mine. I spoke to her at work on Thursday and had to pitch my screenplay idea to her. That was nerve-wracking. But she liked in and invited me to her all day November 13 session. I have to bring a log line for my screenplay and a one to three page synopsis.

The woman's name is Madeline Dimaggio and this is her website; Create a Script. My friend has taken her seminar seven times and has written seven scripts. She says the woman is fantastic. Her seminar is six weeks long and I already missed the first session, but Madeline said I could come to session # 2. The seminars are held once a month for six months. I would have to start wriitng my screenplay right after I finish Nanowrimo in time for the next session in December, if I decide I like the group.

Madeline suggested I come to the November 13 session to check out the group and if I decided I like them, then I would continue. None of the people in the group has sold a screenplay although a couple of people have have agents and with scripts that have been optioned. My guess is these people are also novelists if they have agents. I've taken screenwriting classes in the South Bay before and most of the people I met at these seminars were novelists who had published books and agents and wanted to sell a screenplay. The friend who recommended this seminar has a published non-ficiton book and an agent and is working on her second book. She's trying to break into ficiton and screenwriting.

I pitched Madeline my silicon valley gold digger's story and told her it was a comedy. I was so not prepared to pitch that story and actually haven't thought about it in years. I really should be working on my baseball screenplay, but I haven't finished the second draft yet and I already know how I'm going to rework the final and third draft so I don't really need any help there.

I've never written a comedy before. When I was taking acting classes both of my acting teachers said I had natural comedic timing, so I'm curious if that sense of timing will translate into my writing. One of my acting teachers said my comedic timing was so natural that he couldn't see me doing anything but comedy. He said I reminded him of Elaine May, whom he had worked with in New York. Elaine May wrote "Heaven Can Wait" with Warren Beatty and adapted Joe Klein's "Primary Colors" for the screen. So we'll see.

Comedy is supposed to be hardest genre to write. You can't write funny. I know when I was acting I never did anything to be funny, and whatever I did just was comedic. I kept telling my acting teacher that I didn't know what I was doing that was so funny, and he said because I was a natural and I was always like "whatever".

As I've been typing, Oakland is now leading Kansas City 23-20 and there are only five second left in the game. There's some guy on the Oakland Raiders coaching staff who looks exactly like M-Square. I wonder who that guy is. He's the bulky bearded blondie guy. Oh well, Kansas City just scored a touchdown. Game over. Let's hope the 49ers have better luck.

I just checked the Oakland Raiders' website and if you want to see M-Square's twin, his name is Rob Ryan who is the defensive coordinator for the Oakland Raiders. Check this guy out; Rob Ryan - M-Square's twin. How funny.

Today was Day 1 of Nanwrimo and I wrote 1,726 words. I am starting work on my novel series, "The Elf Girl Chronicles". I never did find that piece of paper with the screenplay idea that I came up with in January and wanted to turn into a novel, so I figured why not start work on my novel series.

I titled the novel, "The Elf Girl Chronicles Book 1: The Prophecy". But boy writing it tonight was like pulling teeth. I didn't know whether to write it in first or third person. I started out in first which was fine for an introduction I suppose, then switched to third person to tell the rest of the story.

Talk about bad, bad, bad first draft writing. But oh well, at least I'm writing and I made my word count. I didn't even draft an outline, which is so not like. I'm going to have to draft an outline this weekend, because I won't be able to write without a road map for very long.

And names, I didn't even have time to come up with good character names, so I am so making them up as I write. Oh well, it's only a very badly written first draft right?

The weekend was not good for writing. I had time to write, I thought about writing but I didn't do it. I'm very disappointed with myself. Nanowrimo starts tomorrow and I have no idea what I'm going to write. I have nothing planned or outlined but an idea that I sketched out in January. I've got to find that piece of paper tonight so I can do a brief outline and start writing tomorrow.

I was doing so well with my writing these last two weeks and I don't know what happened. I get so distracted sometimes. I spent part of Saturday getting a waxing and then I came home and made some cds for M-Square and mailed them and other presents I'd bought for him.

On Saturday night I did nothing but zone out in front of the tv. I don't even know what I watched. On Sunday I went out and had a manincure and then came home and cleaned up my house and put things away.

I kept thinking about writing but could not motivate myself to go to the cafe to sit and write. Damn! I could have had a finished screenplay by now. I'm planning to finish the screenplay this month as well as do Nanowrimo. I've got to do it. I've got to finish something this year just for my own peace of mind.

It was a great Sunday in the San Francisco Bay Area on Sunday with the Raiders and the 49ers finally winning games. And yes it was a sweet victory for the 49ers over the Tampa Bay Bucaneers and John Grudin. Gotta love the fourth string quarterback taking over for the 49ers. It was like watching Oliver Stone's football movie "Any Given Sunday" only this was real life in the NFL. I love when life imitates a Hollywood script or is the other way around.

My interview today went well I think, but it's hard to tell. The woman I interviewed with was so nice. I really liked her. But I don't know why I'm drawn to newly created jobs. They're the hardest kind of jobs to have. I've never not been in a job that hasn't been newly created where I've had to figure it all on my own. I think I have to do some journaling about what that means.

I think I'd like to be in a job that's already established because I think it would be easier. Boring I know, but easy. I think I still need to keep looking. If I get offered the job, I will defintely take it however because I'd really like to leave my job and my company.

M-Square told me on Sunday that I was an important part of his life. That was sweet. He told me things about his job that he's never confided in anyone, and it was pretty heavy. He is in a very complicated situation. I don't think I would ever work for someone that I was really good friends with; it's never a good situation. It's like moving in with a good friend; either it's a disaster or it works.

My poor babe ... it felt like something in my relationship with M-Square has shifted last week and shifted for the better although I don't know what it means right now.

I just read this book by Anne Tyler called "Breathing Lessons" and boy was it boring. I was waiting for it to get better and it never did. How disappointing. I hate getting rid of books but this one is definitely going to be donated to charity.

Good news on the job front. I got called back for another interview with the woman who is the boss of the three people who interviewed me on Friday. Whether I get this job or not, I'm just happy that I had a good interview with another group to counter the horrible interview I had two weeks ago with a different group at the same company. The people I interviewed last Friday even said the company is so big that working in a different group is like working in a totally different world.

It's nice to know that I can still interview well. At the last company I interviewed with back in August and September, I interviewed four times and even got to talk to the head guy back in Connecticut. It was that last interview that killed my job prospects I think. I wasn't on my game. I had just gotten back from my weekend with M-Square, which I wasn't planning on. I thought I would have the interview before Labor Day, but there was a mix-up. Oh well. I was iffy on that job anyway, which I told the HR person and they insisted on putting my resume through anyway. That healthcare company is a huge national player! They are publicly traded and their stock price is huge! But they were going through a major reorg at the time I was interviewing, and you could tell that group and position was very much in flux. They wanted and sounded like they needed a sales person and not an analyst. I can so sales because I've had to but it's not my strength.

I want a job that plays to my strengths and not my weaknesses and I want to work for a company that's doing really well. And most importantly of all, I want to work for nice people.

The thing I've realized about my current job is I'm not trusted here. My immediate boss trusts me, but her boss doesn't. And it's not like I can't do my job, it's just a personality thing. The woman and I just don't get along; I don't trust and like her and she doesn't trust and like me. And from past experience, my performance and my enjoyment at any job has suffered when I'm not liked.

I don't even see it as personal. It's just a personality conflict that can't be helped and which neither of us can change. You can't make yourself like someone or trust someone. This job has always been a iffy fit and I knew that going in. All the signs were there, but I needed a job so I took it. And for the most part it wasn't bad, but the part that was bad just got worse.

What's worse is how much I realized yesterday how my work self-esteem really suffered at this job without me even realizing it. When you're trusted and like at a job, you feel confident in your abilities to get things done. When it's the opposite sitation, you start to doubt yourelf, your work and your ability. I started to believe I was incompetant, and I know I'm not. I've had jobs with way more responsibilities than what I have now, way more accountabilities than what I have now, and yet in this job I felt so stupid.

I think the problem is I let myself believe I was stupid because I wasn't trusted. Talk about playing to expectations. I think it's bad karma if you do that do someone, but that's just my feeling. At least I figured it out in time to realize it and to get out.

And I will get out, one way or another, I will move to greener pastures. The creator of the Dilbert cartoon was quoted as saying once "creme always rises to the top if creme is willing to the bottle." I think this is so true. You might not be a superstar in one company but you might be in another. This has certainly happened to me in my job life.

I went to see the ACT's revival production of "Cat on a Hot Tin Roof". I sort of vaguely remember watching the movie from childhood, but really knew nothing about the story. Now I think I need to rent the movie version just to see what the differences are with this new 1974 revision from Tennessee Williams.

Here's the SF Chronicle review of the play; ACT's 'Cat on a Hot Tin Roof' prowls quietly until Big Daddy storms in and rocks the house.

I don't normally agree with theatre reviews from the Comical, but this one is right now. The firt act fairly dragged, and it was hard to see why Maggie would stay married to Brick other than the fact she was poor and had married into a rich family and didn't want to be poor again. The actor playing Brick was so unresponsive and he had his shirt off for most of the first act and seemed to just be posing the whole time. He had a great body, but I don't think there was any sexual chemistry between the two of them.

I loved the actor playing "Big Daddy", and like Maggie adored her father-in-law's crudeness and devastating honesty. Williams gave Big Daddy some really great lines! One thing Big Daddy talks about is how you put up with people in your life even though you don't really like them, and there's very few people you do like even if you're married to them or if they're your children. This observation of life is so sadly true. I find so few people that I do really like, and when I find someone it is such a joy. But unlike Big Daddy, I try not to have anyone close in my life that I don't like. Life is too short ... why put up with "mendacity"? I have to do it at work, which I absolutely hate and which in these last two years is becoming harder and harder for me to do.

What was really striking is how clearly the audience was able to see everyone's agenda. It was refreshing really to see people's real motives displayed like that on stage. Nothing was hidden and it was all out for everyone on stage and for the audience to see. That's probably Williams' genius as a playwright coming through. You can despise characters on the one hand, but sympathize with them as well for their motivation because it's so naked and so human.

I think Brick is the most problematic character because he's not as clearly drawn. I think you could make a case either way as to his sexuality because of the confusion. Was he swish? Maybe, maybe not ... I think all you can say is Skipper was, but the Skipper story is all second-hand observation and told from Maggie's and Brick's point of view.

I don't think the play is on par with "Night of the Iguana" or "A Streetcase Named Desire" or "The Glass Menagerie" or even "The Rose Tatoo", but even a bad Tennessee Williams' play is better than 99.9% of the modern plays out there.

M-Square was so sweet last night. When I told him I had a horrible day at work, he said he was sorry he couldn't be there for me. But he was! Just talking to me made me feel so much better. What a joy to talk to the man you love after you've had a hard day at work.

M-Square is really trying to work on our relationship. I had such a horrible day at work today, and somehow he knew and he called me as soon as he got home from work and we talked and he made me feel so much better.

I so adore him!

I am watching this very long world series game and it so feels like the Whitesox are a team of destiny. It would be really cool if the Whitesox won just because it would match that time when the Redsox won and the Whitesox won the next year. Baseball history is repeating itself and that's very cool.

I heard from a very good source last week that he expected indictments in the Whitehouse because of the Plame case. He said that Rove and company would be indicted, and that when that happened by implication it would mean that Shrub and Cheney were also guilty. We'll see.

M-Square and I had a very serious talk on Sunday. It was hard because we talked about his job stress and his feelings about our relationship. It's hard for him because he is so stressed out that he is in serious survival mode and can barely meet his own needs let alone mine.

Afterwards I kept thinking this is what it must mean in the marriage vows when you have to say, "I, (Name),Take you, (Name),To be my (wife/husband); To have and to hold, From this day forward, For better, for worse, For richer, for poorer, In sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, 'Till death do us part." (or, "As long as we both shall live.") ... especially the part about for best or for worse. Sometimes when you're really stresed out, you literally have nothing to give the person you're with. You're like barely keeping it together and you can barely be there for yourself and meet your own needs let alone meet someone else's needs. This is what M-Square is going through and he knows it.

And I'm like how much do I really like this guy and how much am I willing to put with? M-Square said he loves me and that things will get better, but not until his work stress goes away. I feel like I'm getting a taste of what it would take to be in a long term relationship again and how frustrating and disappointing it is when your husband isn't doing well. The thing about relationships is, the person you love is never going to be there 24/7 for you. It's physically impossible. Both people have up and down days, weeks, sometimes months. And the question I guess you have to ask yourself, that I'm asking myself, is "do I love this guy enough to let him be human and not always be there for me? Do I trust him enough to ride this out knowing that when he's less stressed out everything will be better?"

And right now, I don't know. I think I do because I don't feel like it's time to leave, but I know that in the past when I've gotten to this inevitable point in a relationship I've bugged out. I think this feeling of wanting to bug out and move on to green pastures will always be there, only because I've always done it in the past. It's not the best way to go and I think I've let go of some really great relationships because I didn't want to wait around, and I don't want to do that. Not with M-Square. He's just too aamzing of a guy, and I just don't know if I'll find another guy like him. That's how much I think I like this guy. Plus, he's put up with me this far and he's been very forgiving of a ton of my foibles. I also know he'll always do the right thing, a trait I find very rare in a guy.

Before all this job stress, M-Square was there when I reached out to him and needed him to be there. He put up with my 11th hour anxiety attack about meeting him, and he was there for me when I went through a serious crisis back in July. And he did all of this before he even know what I looked like and whether it would work between us.

He just can't do that right now, and I'm not going to lie and say it doesn't hurt like hell that he can't be there because he's hunkering down and doing the Men are from Mars cave thing. He's trying but it's hard for him.

So all I can think of is "for better or four worse" because I think I'm getitng a taste of what it would take emotionally for me to acutally fulfill on this aspect of the marriage vow.

Despite not writing on Thursday through Sunday, I'm still on track with the schedule I set up for writing my screenplay. When I'm in the grove I can knock out three scenes in two hours.

On Thursday I went to see the Cal Shakespeare's version of "The Tempest" in Orinda. The night was quite cold, but it was beautiful to look up into the night sky and see the stars.

"The Tempest" was fantastic. A friend and I were speculating whether Prospero an Ariel were in love. The director really played their love story up and at the end I think Prospero didn't really want to leave the island and wanted to stay with Ariel, but he was too late. There was also a scene where Prospero and Ariel's cheeks were touching and it was so erotic, it was like there were making love. Ariel at one point asks Prospero if he loves her, but he ignores her. Oh well, too bad.

This production of "The Tempest" also had actors playing the spries and I really liked them. Apparently some critic thought they were too distracting but there so funny. Two the sprites are holding up giant flowers and swaying to and fro, and the prince starts swaying with him as if hypnotized. It was so funny.

I met the actor who played "Stephano" earlier this year, and he was fantastic. He did a one-man show on Buckminster Fuller which was supposedly fantastic a few years ago, but I missed. Too bad because he is such a great actor. The guy has amazing control of his body and did some great falls on stage. It takes a lot of phyical control to fall naturally on stage and to make it look accidental and not fake.

On Friday, I had to deposit some checks at the bank and then I went to The Container Store to buy a couple of french canning jars to store cereal. I use these jars to store cookies, and after months my cookies are still fresh and crunchy.

On Saturday, I drove down to Monterey to take a class called "Divine Intuition". A friend who also attended won the contest using her intuition to get how many jelly beans were in a jar. She was off by one. I don't know if that was just luck and a good guess or if she was really using her intuition.

The class was fun because we did readings on each other, although I received mixed readings about me and M-Square. It turns out I give really accurate readings. I don't think I can say the same for the partners I had in class. Then I went with a couple of friends to The Fishwife Restaurant and had a calamari sandwich. I had wanted to try it when I was in Monterey in July but never got around to it. The sandwich was very tasty and of course totally fattening.

When I went to my Weight Watchers meeting today I thought for sure I'd show a weight gain, but I actually lost 1/2 a pound. I'm having such a hard time getting into following the plan. If I write down everything I eat and stay within my point range I'm fine. But once I stop writing stuff down then I just end up eating a ton.

On Sunday I was so craving eating Captain Crunch cereal. I had two bowls of cereal which for me means a mix of Special K, Captain Crunch and Fiber One. I love having a handful of Captain Crunch on any cereal I'm eating. It's way better than eating cereal with fruit.

I am writing again and it's full steam ahead. I wrote four scenes yesterday and finished two difficult scenes today. I am so ahead of the schedule I set for myself that I think I'll be done with my screenplay if all goes well by next weekend.

I have to start thinking about the novel I'm going to write for Nanowrimo. I almost feel like just writing a screenplay, but a screenplay is less than 50K words. This year I want to write a novel from start to finish, and not just 30% of a novel that I normally do. What I should do is take that scifi screenplay idea I came up with back in January or February and turn that into a novel, and then later turn it back it into a screenplay. I've never taken a screenplay idea and turned it into a novel nor taken a novel and turned it into a screenplay. This will be a good exercise for me I think.

I'm blogging from the Starfbombs on 19th Avenue and surfing on someone's unsecured network. What a trip. This is the first time I've piggybacked on someone else's free connection. I'm working on that screenplay that I can't seem to finish, although I made a plan last night to finish it by the end of the month so I can enter it into a screenplay contest.

I just finished writing two scenes. To tell you the truth, I really dislike this screenplay. It kind of sucks and needs a serious rewrite, but Peter Z my writing teacher at UC Berkeley Extension told my writing class to always finish writing pieces because 1) it's good practice to finish what you're written and started and 2) it's psychologically healthy to finish your wriitng pieces rather than abandon them, no matter how they suck.

God, but is this screenplay just really really bad or what? Oh well. There are some good scenes and the plot is good; it just needs some serious tightening up.

M-Square is in a much better mood these days. Things at work have gotten a little better and I can tell he's doing better. Probably not today though since it's raining like heck where he is, and there are power issues in Orange County. M-Square is like Mr. Responsible so I'm sure he's freaking out about having power shortages at his company. I'm not sure if they even have processes in place to backup their computer systems in case of a power failure, since it's a small business.

I called him today because I had the feeling he wasn't doing so hot, and when I asked him if he was okay, he said no, and then said he would call me later. He did not sound very happy at all.

I keep getting the feeling that he's worried about us, about losing me. I mean it's not like I'm going anywhere or seeing anyone else right now, or even interested in meeting someone else, but hey, if something better came along I think I'd have to check it out. That's a bad attitude huh, but I'm like a practical girl. M-Square is 95% perfect, but I meet someone who is 90% perfect and lived locally then I'd be interested. Besides, why would the universe put another Mr. Perfect who lived locally in my path if it didn't mean something.

M-Square and I have an agreement to tell each other if we have sex with someone else, knowing full well that such an act would probably end the relationship. But if I met Mr. Better than M-Square then well I thihk it's meant to be.

I'm not sure how that would be possible for me to meet anyone else because I know if I ever did that, it would feel like such a betrayal to M-Square and that it would hurt him a ton. But, I'm also a big believer in destiny and fate and things happening for a reason.

Oh well! So much for yesterday's post. I received a call for another interview for Friday with the same company, same building, but different floor and different department. I asked my friend at work about it and she said I should go on the interview because she had heard good things about the department. I thought for sure she was going to say no, but she said she to do it.

As much as I see myself moving to Southern California next year, I need to keep options open. Another friend who has great intuition told me last night she saw me working in LA, but she couldn't see when. I don't want to feel like my life is on hold until M-Square and I decide that I need to move down there. I think if God meant me to move down there and be with him, then things will happen whether I want them to or not to make me move down there.

In the meantime, if a good job offer with more money comes my way I'm defintely going to take it. It never hurts to make more money. Plus a new job would give me more variety to add to my resume. I am so not learning anything new at my current job anymore. Plus from what I'm hearing in the rumor mill, revenue is going to be flat for my company next year and it's going to be about continually cutting back which isn't going to make for a good work enviroment. I also have the feeling that if things don't turn around, they're going to have to serious job cutting and since I'm not that well like by the head of my group I'm sure I'll be the first to get the boot.

A friend says I should stick around so I can go on unemployment, but I prefer to be gainfully employed. I like having money, what can I say? I'm only just starting to have some serious savings and I don't want that trend to stop. Besides, I've got to save money if I am moving to SoCal next year anyway for moving expenses.

So that Thursday interview didn't go well at all and I received a message on Friday that they weren't going to go forward with a second interview. I took Friday off as well so I didn't pick the message up till today. I was very bummed until I spoke to a woman who I remembered worked for this company. I took her out for coffee this afternoon, and she told me horror stories about the group I interviewed with.

I even showed her the names of the people and projects they sent me and she said "I had dodged a bullit because those people were insane." I probably would have taken the job because I so desperately want to get out of my job. I really trust this woman at work. We have become good friends and we have many of the same interests in common. She is also a writer, a really, really good writer! The woman can write circles around me, so I really respect her opinion.

So now I'm rethinking whether I even want to keep applying for jobs at this company. The woman at work who used to work there says she knows a ton of people there and they're all very unhappy and trying to get out. Wow! Our conversation was so eye-opening. She said the company where we're at now is heaven compared to that hell-hole.

I felt so relieved talking to my friend at work this afternoon because I interview very well, and I didn't know why I was struggling with this interview. C, the woman I had coffee with this afternoon, said it was my guardian angels making sure I didn't get the job. Cute huh?

I think I'm going to have rethink my job search. I mean, if I'm moving sometime next year hopefully to Southern California to be with M-Square, does it even make sense to get a new job. I was thinking that if I got a job with a company that had offices in Southern California, I could transfer. But now that I think about it, most companies probably want you to be with them for awhile before they let you move like maybe six months to a year. Do I really want to wait that long to move? Wouldn't it be easier to just move down there and then job hunt?

There are just so many things up in the air right now. I spoke to another friend tonight and she had an intuition while I was talking to her on the phone that she saw me working in Southern California next year. Interesting huh?

Well, the universe has put up road blocks in my job search. I'm like one of those people who never has a problem geting a job, even in a bad economy, so I think I need to rethink what I'm doing. My job isn't that bad. It's not the best, but I do have the freedom to leave at the end of the day and focus on other things. I love my boss and the work is relatively easy. And yes, there are issues and personality conflicts but as I was told this afternoon by my work friend, there are always going to be issues at every job.

And now I'm wondering if all this job stuff is just another way I have of distracting myself from focusing on my writing. It's been months since I wrote. With my job going south and then things happening with M-Square, writing has been the farthest thing from my mind. And when I don't write, I know I start to get really, really unhappy.

My mind is all jumbled right now. I really need to regroup, rethink, and restrategize what is going on with my life. I think at this point in the past, I would have blamed the guy I was dating for my unhappiness and dumped him first just to clear the decks. But no way am I doing that with M-Square although it's tempting only because it's my modus operandi.

I think for now I'm going to stay in my current job, but maybe mix it up a bit like going to work earlier and leaving earlier. Sometimes even a little change in your work routine will do wonders for a job. I'm also going to write every day. I'm going to do Nanowrimo in November so I might as well start practicing writing every day. My intuition tells me if I just start focusing on my writing, everything usually works better for me. It's always worked that way in the past, so let's see if history repeats itself.

I had my interview yesterday and it made me remember why I hate interviews. I can't tell whether I did well or not, and I hate that feeling. That group has a ton of openings, and the interview I had yesterday was just a screening interview. I don't even know if I'll make it past the screening. Oh well.

I just applied for two more jobs at the same company. I like the location a lot. The commute will be an hour but it's near Lake Merritt and my gym is right there.

I don't even know why I'm even looking for a job. Part of me just wants to stay at my current job until I decide that I need to move down to SoCal to be with M-Square and then just look for a job down there. But the other part is just plain fed up with my current job and it's becoming increasingly difficult for me to even go to work.

What's really sad is that the woman at work whom I don't get along with has such a bad reputation in the company now. I was in a meeting a couple of weeks ago and people sniggered when her name was mentioned. That's a bad sign isn't it? Even the relatively new guy laughed about her. You get the feeling that everyone thinks she's a piece of work, and she is. Even the newest person in group whom I walk with twice a week has heard she's a terrible manager. Boy, when you've got a bad rep in a company word spreads fast even among the newbies.

I know there's a better job for me out there somewhere. I just have to find it. I think I got spoiled because the current job I have was so easy to get. But now that I've been in the job I can see why it's had such a high turnover rate. They have to really careful about who they hire because there a nut jobs running the department.

I've been driving myself nuts searching thru iTunes for this song I used to really like. I thought if I looked at iMixes I would instantly spot it, but that was a bad idea. Finally tonight the song lyrics came back to me and the song was "Possum Kingdom" by the Toadies, which I googled and found. When I finally typed the song name into iTunes, it didn't make into anyone's iMixes yet. I must be the only person in the country who liked this song, still remembered it and then spent two days trying to find it. But I'm excited I have it, although as I listen to it now I'm not quite sure why I liked it so much.

New songs bought from i-Tunes:

A Hard Rain's A-Gonna Fall by Bob Dylan
A Hard Rain's A-Gonna Fall by Joan Baez
Angel Flying Too Close to the Ground – Willie Nelson (M-Square is my angel)
California Dreamin' – The Mamas and the Papas
Dedicated to the One I Love – The Mamas and the Papas
Monday, Monday – The Mamas and the Papas

So because I'm a glutton for punishment, I signed up to Nanowrimo for 2005 even though I didn't my 50,000 word novel last year. I don't know if I want to start a new novel, which you're supposed to do or try to finish one of the unfinished ones.

Oh, psychological angst of my unfinished novel pile not to mention my short but still still unfinished short story stack! Boohooo, boohooo, boohooo!

Saturday was busy! Finally after two months, my acupuncturist tells me it looks like I've lost some weight. He was very happy, but told me I need to lose more. At least he noticed which pleased me immensely!

Then I went to my hair guy to get a haircut. My hair was getting too long and it was starting to look straggly and I was thinking I was looking like a little too witchy with my fried ends or stuck in some hippie chick timewarp. My hair guy is so great! He is outrageously expensive, but he is worth every penny. He took about a couple of inches off my hair, and layered my hair so it doesn't look too heavy. Too much hair I think weights my face down. He knows I like to put my hair in a pony tail, so he tries to make sure that when it's all bound up like that my tail looks straight and even and not uneven. I love my new cut. My hair feels lighter and more managable, even though it's still long.

Then I asked the girls at the front desk if the salon did waxing. My brows and lips were practically frightful! They said no but gave me a business card to the place they all go to, which just so happened to be down the street.

What a gerat recommendation! The woman was great and my browns look amazing. She also did my lips and got all the hair off fairly quickly. She also does facials and said if I come in for a facial, she'll do my face waxing for free. She costs twice as much as what I normally pay, but I was very impressed by how fast and efficent she was and how she got my brows to arch a little more. There were women in the salon paying for $200 worth of beauty treatments, which made my jaw drop. What are these girls paying for? Sure, they looked great but $200 worth of treatments? They must have had full-on body waxing like legs, bikini line, back, brows, lips, back, you name it. I hope they didn't pay for underarm waxing because it's so not worth it. The hair grows back in like 4-5 days, and you feel so cheated because it hurts and it's not cheap.

Then for whatever reason, I headed down to the Ghiradelli Square to watch the Blue Angels show. I haven't seen a show in years, and it was to watch them again. Everyone was saying there were going to be a million people watching the show over the weekend, and it sure felt like it. I walked from Union Square to Ghiradelli Square along the Embardero and it was packed. I found a spot at the center stage and sat on the pavement next to this couple that were doing the same.

The show was supposed to start around 3 pm, but an announcement was mnade that some idiot had too many margaritas and fell off a boat in the bay and the coast guard was doing a search and rescue. And I'm like, they should have just let the fool drown. It was pretty funny though hearing the announcer trying to fill in the time and interview like totally boring official types.

When the show finally started, there was 15 minutes of some huge airplanethey call "Fat Albert" and people were getting restless, like "come on show us the real stuff!" When the Blue Angels finally appeared the crowd's mood seemed visisbly lightened. I don't remember ever hearing this before, but they were played some really good tunes during the show.

The most memorable song I remember was that song from "Top Gun" called "The Danger Zone". That was cool because as soon as that song came on, I started flashing on that movie. I'm sure everyone was doing the same thing.

Getting home was a nightmare. I hadn't eaten lunch and was there from 2-4:30 pm, so I stood in a long line at In and Out Burger and bought a burger, fries and a chocolate shake. I was totally starving and my weight watchers diet went out the window. Then I tried to take a bus home, which took forever. I think it took me two hours to get home.

I was tired and didn't want to walk back downtown, so I took a bus which was horrid. The traffic to get out the Fisherman's Wharf area was congested and Van Ness was so slow. ANd I could tell I was tired and not thinking straight because I couldn't figure out which bus to take. The easist thing would have been to catch the 30 stockton right outisde of Ghiradelli Square and then hop on the 28 home. But made my life hell and first waited for a 47 to go downtown. Then after waiting 20 minutes for a bus which was a block away becuase the traffic was so backed up, I decided to take a 47 in the opposite direction to get the Van Ness Station. It didn't hit me until I was 30 minutes on the 47 and seeing a couple of 30 Stockton buses go by that I should take a 30 Stockton because Van Ness was going to be as backed up as the Embarcadero. What a nightmare. Once the 30 Stockton turned off of Van Ness it moved pretty quicky and in was home in half an hour.

I saw this article last week from the Guaurdan UK, "Top 10 Sci-Fi Films. Supposedly all these scientists came up with this list. Okay, like "Blade Runner" is a great movie but does it really rate being number one? I have friends who have told me "Blade Runner" is on their top 10 favorite movie list of all time. They all like that ending line which goes something like "And who lives forever" or something like that.

At least The Matrix made the list, and yes one of the Star Wars, and I think the movie that should have been number one, "2001 Space Odyssey", but which came in at numnber two.

Good news today! One of the places I sent my resume to called for a job interview. That's not bad huh? I applied to four jobs and two called back now for interviews. I interview next Thursday on Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement.

I probably shouldn't be interviewing on one of the highest holy day of the jewish calendar, but it felt like a good day. The woman I spoke to and I were laughing about it. I said I know it's an important holiday because it's on my calendar but I'd forgotten what it was about, and she said she wanted to write on my application, "good sense of humor". Cute huh?

Maybe it's a good thing I didn't fly down to the OC to be with M-Square. This company has lots of offices in Southern California, so if I move down there next year hopefully I'll be able to transfer within the same company and already have a job if and when I move.

My poor M-Square. When I tune into him I keep getting the feeling that he's so afraid of losing me. I couldn't keep the hurt and disappointment out of my voice yesterday when he told me not to fly down. But it's all good. I even started remembering how easy it was to fall in love with him those two months before we met, and how meeting him just cemented my feelings.

I had this whole fantasy that we would like have a porno-type love fest in the car in the parking garage at LACMA when we got to the King Tut exhibit, or we would find some deserted spot in the exhibit and have a quickie. What a laugh! King Tut was like totally packed and we ended up parking outside. But M-Square must have had the same idea or else he picked up on thoughts because at some point while I was getting stuff out of the backseat of the care I was on all fours and he asked me "are you assuming the position?" So funny.

Then at the King Tut Exhibit he sent me desire vibes which freaked me out because meeting him after two months was just so weird. Plus he was doing the typical guy thing and totally finding any excuse to put his hands on my body, something I normally can't stand but with him it was fun and very, very erotic. And then when we walked down to the beach from his place to watch the sunset, he held my hand going down the stairs and I was like "Ahhhhh, just like in the love movies." And then I spoiled the moment by stepping in the dog pooh, and then I started freaking out because I was afraid of ruining my shoes.

And then our final goodbye kisses were so hot! From our goodbye kiss I finally understood that phrase "they kissed like lovers on the edge of a void" ...such good memories!

I hope this job pays more than what I'm making because it will cost me about $150 to commute to work now instead of the $45 I pay now. I really, really like this company that I will be interviewing with. There are doing well and they have about 30-40% of the California health insurance market. I asked a really, really good friend of mine who is a pediatric nurse about this company, and she said the company is doing some great things. My ex-boss from two jobs ago also works for the company but not at their corporate office.

I'm also looking forward to getting my PCP and OBGYN back as well, since they are with this company. I can't see them now because of the way health insurance works in this state, but if I get the job I'll have access.

M-Square and I had a huge fight this week. He's going through a really hard time at work and being very non-communicative. I was supposed to fly down to see him on Septemer 24, but he was going to work that weekend. And then I wanted to fly down next week to see him but he's just way too stressed from work and other things going on his life.

I was so pissed at him. He says I leave him too many voicemails and it's like he's talking to me so he doesn't feel like calling. Then when I finally talk to him he's like so stressed out and says I'll call you back and never does. The boy is just so wiped out every day. He's hired three new employees and training new people is very stressful to him. He said the new people never show up for work on time and it pisses him off.

I stopped calling him at work because I knew he was training new people, so I don't get to talk to him during the day. Lack of communication just totally freaks me out. I think he's also having a hard time with the owner of the company, who brought M-Square in to take the company international. But it's hard I think for an owner who's had his own business for 30 years to all of a sudden bring in another person and expect to give up control, even if the new person is a long time friend of his. His boss wants do two seminars as well and wants M-Square to help him do it. He said something about maybe doing the seminars in New York and Florida.

M-Square has a degree in physics and can explain the science of the products they're selling. He's been a pharma rep before, and taught seminars to doctors on drugs so he's good at leading seminars. But this is a new field for him and it's a totally different thing than getting docs to use and buy drugs.

So my baby boy is all stressed out and says he feels pressured by me and I just about lost it on Tuesday and was so ready to break up with him. I called him on Tuesday after not hearing from him for a whole week and he said something like "didn't I tell you that?" and I just got riled and didn't know why. When I finally figured it on Wednesday, it was pretty silly.

I got mad because I hadn't heard from him for a week and then we he said he'd told me something already it was like "who the hell are you talking to, what woman has my exact same voice that you think you are talking to me?" I was jealous and didn't even know it. Then I had to call him back and grovel and beg for forgiveness.

I know the guy isn't seeing anyone else. I just hate that he doesn't call enough and he hates that I leave too many voicemails. Then he said that I don't give him a chance to call me. I felt bad when he said that because other guys have said this to me before.

I finally figured it out that he was thinking I didn't trust him enough to call me and it was really getting to him. He gets enough of that "no trust" stuff at work and now he has to deal with it with me. But I spoke to him and we made up and then I was happy again. He just needs his space because he's so stressed at work, and I think I was focusing too much on him and not enough on my own life.

I've stopped writing and I've stopped job hunting. I was becoming way to co-dependent and not being the independent person I normally am. That was a hard lesson for me to learn, but at least I got it now and we're still together.

I'm just happy we're still together, but disappointed that I can't see him. With all the work stress he's under, it's taking a toll on his health and he can't sleep and he's not eating right. He says he comes home and tries to read but can't relax and totally does not feel like talkking to anyone. I so know what he's going through. Work stress is really, really difficult. He says he misses me terribly and he's afraid of losing me, and I guess me wanting to break it off just doesn't help things much. He says he's under a lot of pressure at work and having me stress on him is another pressure-stressor in his life.

My poor boy! He always sounds so exhausted and whiny when I talk to him. He doesn't want to be that way with me, but he says he can't help it. I think I just have to calm down and get back to my own life, because not writing and not job hunting is making me unhappy as well. I also stopped working out, which never, never helps.

I was amazed at how easy it was for me to become so co-dependent on him, which is unhealthy for me and for our relationship. I feel bad too because my total instinct is to mother him and make his pain go away, and I know I shouldn't do that. He's an adult and doesn't need me mothering him and care-taking him like that.

But this is hard because I want to see him and I can't. My idea of heaven would be to just lie in bed all day and have sex with him all weekend, but in his state of mind and health he said it probably wouldn't be very satsifying. I'm sure he has performance anxiety running through his head as well.

But at least we're still together and holding on, and that's the most important thing. Work stress can't last forever and hopefully soon he'll be better soon and I can fly down to see him. My therapist said I need to take things one day at a time with him and be in the moment with him until his work pressure eases off. She said work stress is everyone's number one stressor with relationship stress running a close seocnd, so he's got a double whammy with me in the picture.

Haven't posted for awhile ... but I've been busy!

There was a free bluegrass festival in Golden Gate park last weekend and I attended both days. I saw Joan Baez, which was sooo cool! Her voice still sounds great and she sang a Bob Dylan song called "A Hard Rain Gonna Fall, which was just amazing.

Then on the way home I stopped to watch Doc Watson, who sang the first country song ever recorded. I love old country music!

On Sunday, a few friends showed up and we saw The Austin Lounge Lizards, Dolly Parton, and listed to a couple songs by Ricky Skaggs! You haven't lived till you've sung "Me and Bobby McGee" and "Imagine" with Dolly. Dolly looks really great for her age. She wore a rhinestone covered turquoise dress and she kept saying how all her instruments were covered with rhinestones.

The bands didn't play long. It is a free concert after all, so most sets were about 45 minutes. Ricky Skaggs was amazing, and I saw guys dancing to his music. The park was filled with so many non-San Franciscans, with all the southern folk weearing clothing proclaiming which southern state they were from.

Dolly's buses had Tennessee license plates, which means she drove all the way here from there. That's a long way to come to play a free concert in foggy San Francisco.

On Sunday morning I did a 7K Bridge to Bridge Walk, which my company was sponsoring. They paid for all their employees race fees and we wore company t-shirts to the race. I walked with a fellow employee and did the 7K in about an hour an 10 minutes. There was also a 12K run at the same time.

It was a jam packed weekend and my body was so sore from the 7k walk and standing for about four hours and dancing at the free concert. But I had fun and there's nothing like a free concert. I don't think I would have paid to hear Dolly Parton, but now that I've seen her I think I would pay to hear a three hour with her. I would definitely pay money to see Ricky Skaggs again. Emmy Lou Harris also played on Sunday at the end, but by that time I was so beat I just wanted go home and take a hot bath.

Just to prove I'm not a total Dead head. I also downloaded "Last Resort" by Papa Roach, "Almost Blue" by Elvis Costello, "Hash Pipe" by Weezer, :Wild is the Wind" by Nina Simone, "You and Me" by Lighthouse, "Toxicity" by Disturbed, and "Numb" and "Aerials" by System of a Down.

i-Tunes is dangerous. I was bored on Sunday and bought seven, count them now, seven versions of "Scarlett Begonias, by the Grateful Dead. God only knows why I need seven different versions of the same song because although I like the Dead, I am so not a Dead Head but this is one of my favourite Dead songs.

Still, I didn't downloand a whole concert just so I could get an 11 minute version of my other favourite Dead song "Fire on the Mountain". I have such good memories of being at a Dead concert with a couple of friends the year before Jerry Garcia died. We were at at the Fillmore Stree Fair in Pacific Heights first and then drove to Mountain View to the Shoreline Amphitheatre smoking hippie lettuce the whole way.

We had really, really great seats because I got in line at 6 am to buy the tickets. We were fifteen rows up from the stage. I was with two friends, one was a recruiter for Silicon Valley firms and the other person was a shrink. We just sat, smoke tons more hippie lettuce and just danced.

The whole front section was practically empty and then "Fire on the Mountain" came on just was I was seriously stoned and peaking. It's such a great song to dance to when you're that high and flying.

I know I'm going to have break down and buy a whole concert one day just for that song so I can relive my Dead concert memories.

Yes, I am very serious about leaving the SF Bay Area to be with my man. God, I never thought I'd ever say that, but "love" or whatever I'm feeling right now for this guy is slowly changing me. I did decide a couple of years ago that I'd be willing to give up living in the City and County of San Francisco if I met a guy who didn't live in the City, but I didn't think I would ever be willing to move out of this area.

At least it's the Los Angeles area, and it's a city and I'd just be living in the suburbs of Los Angeles. That's not so bad considering I could have met a guy who lived outside of California. That would have been hard if I had to leave California and move to a state without a large metropolitan city.

M-Square is just really, really great. He's cute, he's way smarter than me, he gets me and we get along very, very well. Plus, he's just so spiritual. It's a combo that is hard to give up just because I don't want to leave San Francisco. In a perfect world I suppose, I would have preferred to meet someone who lived here but it didn't turn out that way. I like to think that the universe has a good reason for me to leave the SF Bay Area, and M-Square is my readily available ticket out of here.

And for whatever reason, it kind of does feel like it's time to leave this place. I'm not sure why, but I do get the feeling I need to live somewhere else. But you know, who knows. M-Square and I are just beginning our relationship and who knows what the future will bring, but I'm just happy that I'm not so stuck in my ways that I wouldn't contemplate making changes to be with a guy.

And love is definitely changing me weekly, daily, hourly. There are ideas I had about love that are just being shaken to its core with this guy. Like maybe it's okay sometimes to compromise when you're in love, and if you're really in love, compromise isn't such a bad thing and doesn't even feel compromise. Compromising feels more like being flexible and adjustable, and doing whatever it takes to make the relationship work and for both people to be happy and peaceful.

I mean, I've had thoughts about this guy that I've never had or if I did I don't remember having them. Like I want M-Square to be the person I look at and I want to hear his voice the moment before I die. How weird is that. He's the person I want to have around me as I leave this earth. And the thought of leaving him even in death just freaks me out and make me cry. I seriously do not want to lose this guy ever, and I guess right now I'm willing to do certain things to make sure that we're together for a long, long time.