The weekend was not good for writing. I had time to write, I thought about writing but I didn't do it. I'm very disappointed with myself. Nanowrimo starts tomorrow and I have no idea what I'm going to write. I have nothing planned or outlined but an idea that I sketched out in January. I've got to find that piece of paper tonight so I can do a brief outline and start writing tomorrow.

I was doing so well with my writing these last two weeks and I don't know what happened. I get so distracted sometimes. I spent part of Saturday getting a waxing and then I came home and made some cds for M-Square and mailed them and other presents I'd bought for him.

On Saturday night I did nothing but zone out in front of the tv. I don't even know what I watched. On Sunday I went out and had a manincure and then came home and cleaned up my house and put things away.

I kept thinking about writing but could not motivate myself to go to the cafe to sit and write. Damn! I could have had a finished screenplay by now. I'm planning to finish the screenplay this month as well as do Nanowrimo. I've got to do it. I've got to finish something this year just for my own peace of mind.

It was a great Sunday in the San Francisco Bay Area on Sunday with the Raiders and the 49ers finally winning games. And yes it was a sweet victory for the 49ers over the Tampa Bay Bucaneers and John Grudin. Gotta love the fourth string quarterback taking over for the 49ers. It was like watching Oliver Stone's football movie "Any Given Sunday" only this was real life in the NFL. I love when life imitates a Hollywood script or is the other way around.

My interview today went well I think, but it's hard to tell. The woman I interviewed with was so nice. I really liked her. But I don't know why I'm drawn to newly created jobs. They're the hardest kind of jobs to have. I've never not been in a job that hasn't been newly created where I've had to figure it all on my own. I think I have to do some journaling about what that means.

I think I'd like to be in a job that's already established because I think it would be easier. Boring I know, but easy. I think I still need to keep looking. If I get offered the job, I will defintely take it however because I'd really like to leave my job and my company.

M-Square told me on Sunday that I was an important part of his life. That was sweet. He told me things about his job that he's never confided in anyone, and it was pretty heavy. He is in a very complicated situation. I don't think I would ever work for someone that I was really good friends with; it's never a good situation. It's like moving in with a good friend; either it's a disaster or it works.

My poor babe ... it felt like something in my relationship with M-Square has shifted last week and shifted for the better although I don't know what it means right now.

I just read this book by Anne Tyler called "Breathing Lessons" and boy was it boring. I was waiting for it to get better and it never did. How disappointing. I hate getting rid of books but this one is definitely going to be donated to charity.

Good news on the job front. I got called back for another interview with the woman who is the boss of the three people who interviewed me on Friday. Whether I get this job or not, I'm just happy that I had a good interview with another group to counter the horrible interview I had two weeks ago with a different group at the same company. The people I interviewed last Friday even said the company is so big that working in a different group is like working in a totally different world.

It's nice to know that I can still interview well. At the last company I interviewed with back in August and September, I interviewed four times and even got to talk to the head guy back in Connecticut. It was that last interview that killed my job prospects I think. I wasn't on my game. I had just gotten back from my weekend with M-Square, which I wasn't planning on. I thought I would have the interview before Labor Day, but there was a mix-up. Oh well. I was iffy on that job anyway, which I told the HR person and they insisted on putting my resume through anyway. That healthcare company is a huge national player! They are publicly traded and their stock price is huge! But they were going through a major reorg at the time I was interviewing, and you could tell that group and position was very much in flux. They wanted and sounded like they needed a sales person and not an analyst. I can so sales because I've had to but it's not my strength.

I want a job that plays to my strengths and not my weaknesses and I want to work for a company that's doing really well. And most importantly of all, I want to work for nice people.

The thing I've realized about my current job is I'm not trusted here. My immediate boss trusts me, but her boss doesn't. And it's not like I can't do my job, it's just a personality thing. The woman and I just don't get along; I don't trust and like her and she doesn't trust and like me. And from past experience, my performance and my enjoyment at any job has suffered when I'm not liked.

I don't even see it as personal. It's just a personality conflict that can't be helped and which neither of us can change. You can't make yourself like someone or trust someone. This job has always been a iffy fit and I knew that going in. All the signs were there, but I needed a job so I took it. And for the most part it wasn't bad, but the part that was bad just got worse.

What's worse is how much I realized yesterday how my work self-esteem really suffered at this job without me even realizing it. When you're trusted and like at a job, you feel confident in your abilities to get things done. When it's the opposite sitation, you start to doubt yourelf, your work and your ability. I started to believe I was incompetant, and I know I'm not. I've had jobs with way more responsibilities than what I have now, way more accountabilities than what I have now, and yet in this job I felt so stupid.

I think the problem is I let myself believe I was stupid because I wasn't trusted. Talk about playing to expectations. I think it's bad karma if you do that do someone, but that's just my feeling. At least I figured it out in time to realize it and to get out.

And I will get out, one way or another, I will move to greener pastures. The creator of the Dilbert cartoon was quoted as saying once "creme always rises to the top if creme is willing to the bottle." I think this is so true. You might not be a superstar in one company but you might be in another. This has certainly happened to me in my job life.

I went to see the ACT's revival production of "Cat on a Hot Tin Roof". I sort of vaguely remember watching the movie from childhood, but really knew nothing about the story. Now I think I need to rent the movie version just to see what the differences are with this new 1974 revision from Tennessee Williams.

Here's the SF Chronicle review of the play; ACT's 'Cat on a Hot Tin Roof' prowls quietly until Big Daddy storms in and rocks the house.

I don't normally agree with theatre reviews from the Comical, but this one is right now. The firt act fairly dragged, and it was hard to see why Maggie would stay married to Brick other than the fact she was poor and had married into a rich family and didn't want to be poor again. The actor playing Brick was so unresponsive and he had his shirt off for most of the first act and seemed to just be posing the whole time. He had a great body, but I don't think there was any sexual chemistry between the two of them.

I loved the actor playing "Big Daddy", and like Maggie adored her father-in-law's crudeness and devastating honesty. Williams gave Big Daddy some really great lines! One thing Big Daddy talks about is how you put up with people in your life even though you don't really like them, and there's very few people you do like even if you're married to them or if they're your children. This observation of life is so sadly true. I find so few people that I do really like, and when I find someone it is such a joy. But unlike Big Daddy, I try not to have anyone close in my life that I don't like. Life is too short ... why put up with "mendacity"? I have to do it at work, which I absolutely hate and which in these last two years is becoming harder and harder for me to do.

What was really striking is how clearly the audience was able to see everyone's agenda. It was refreshing really to see people's real motives displayed like that on stage. Nothing was hidden and it was all out for everyone on stage and for the audience to see. That's probably Williams' genius as a playwright coming through. You can despise characters on the one hand, but sympathize with them as well for their motivation because it's so naked and so human.

I think Brick is the most problematic character because he's not as clearly drawn. I think you could make a case either way as to his sexuality because of the confusion. Was he swish? Maybe, maybe not ... I think all you can say is Skipper was, but the Skipper story is all second-hand observation and told from Maggie's and Brick's point of view.

I don't think the play is on par with "Night of the Iguana" or "A Streetcase Named Desire" or "The Glass Menagerie" or even "The Rose Tatoo", but even a bad Tennessee Williams' play is better than 99.9% of the modern plays out there.

M-Square was so sweet last night. When I told him I had a horrible day at work, he said he was sorry he couldn't be there for me. But he was! Just talking to me made me feel so much better. What a joy to talk to the man you love after you've had a hard day at work.

M-Square is really trying to work on our relationship. I had such a horrible day at work today, and somehow he knew and he called me as soon as he got home from work and we talked and he made me feel so much better.

I so adore him!

I am watching this very long world series game and it so feels like the Whitesox are a team of destiny. It would be really cool if the Whitesox won just because it would match that time when the Redsox won and the Whitesox won the next year. Baseball history is repeating itself and that's very cool.

I heard from a very good source last week that he expected indictments in the Whitehouse because of the Plame case. He said that Rove and company would be indicted, and that when that happened by implication it would mean that Shrub and Cheney were also guilty. We'll see.

M-Square and I had a very serious talk on Sunday. It was hard because we talked about his job stress and his feelings about our relationship. It's hard for him because he is so stressed out that he is in serious survival mode and can barely meet his own needs let alone mine.

Afterwards I kept thinking this is what it must mean in the marriage vows when you have to say, "I, (Name),Take you, (Name),To be my (wife/husband); To have and to hold, From this day forward, For better, for worse, For richer, for poorer, In sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, 'Till death do us part." (or, "As long as we both shall live.") ... especially the part about for best or for worse. Sometimes when you're really stresed out, you literally have nothing to give the person you're with. You're like barely keeping it together and you can barely be there for yourself and meet your own needs let alone meet someone else's needs. This is what M-Square is going through and he knows it.

And I'm like how much do I really like this guy and how much am I willing to put with? M-Square said he loves me and that things will get better, but not until his work stress goes away. I feel like I'm getting a taste of what it would take to be in a long term relationship again and how frustrating and disappointing it is when your husband isn't doing well. The thing about relationships is, the person you love is never going to be there 24/7 for you. It's physically impossible. Both people have up and down days, weeks, sometimes months. And the question I guess you have to ask yourself, that I'm asking myself, is "do I love this guy enough to let him be human and not always be there for me? Do I trust him enough to ride this out knowing that when he's less stressed out everything will be better?"

And right now, I don't know. I think I do because I don't feel like it's time to leave, but I know that in the past when I've gotten to this inevitable point in a relationship I've bugged out. I think this feeling of wanting to bug out and move on to green pastures will always be there, only because I've always done it in the past. It's not the best way to go and I think I've let go of some really great relationships because I didn't want to wait around, and I don't want to do that. Not with M-Square. He's just too aamzing of a guy, and I just don't know if I'll find another guy like him. That's how much I think I like this guy. Plus, he's put up with me this far and he's been very forgiving of a ton of my foibles. I also know he'll always do the right thing, a trait I find very rare in a guy.

Before all this job stress, M-Square was there when I reached out to him and needed him to be there. He put up with my 11th hour anxiety attack about meeting him, and he was there for me when I went through a serious crisis back in July. And he did all of this before he even know what I looked like and whether it would work between us.

He just can't do that right now, and I'm not going to lie and say it doesn't hurt like hell that he can't be there because he's hunkering down and doing the Men are from Mars cave thing. He's trying but it's hard for him.

So all I can think of is "for better or four worse" because I think I'm getitng a taste of what it would take emotionally for me to acutally fulfill on this aspect of the marriage vow.

Despite not writing on Thursday through Sunday, I'm still on track with the schedule I set up for writing my screenplay. When I'm in the grove I can knock out three scenes in two hours.

On Thursday I went to see the Cal Shakespeare's version of "The Tempest" in Orinda. The night was quite cold, but it was beautiful to look up into the night sky and see the stars.

"The Tempest" was fantastic. A friend and I were speculating whether Prospero an Ariel were in love. The director really played their love story up and at the end I think Prospero didn't really want to leave the island and wanted to stay with Ariel, but he was too late. There was also a scene where Prospero and Ariel's cheeks were touching and it was so erotic, it was like there were making love. Ariel at one point asks Prospero if he loves her, but he ignores her. Oh well, too bad.

This production of "The Tempest" also had actors playing the spries and I really liked them. Apparently some critic thought they were too distracting but there so funny. Two the sprites are holding up giant flowers and swaying to and fro, and the prince starts swaying with him as if hypnotized. It was so funny.

I met the actor who played "Stephano" earlier this year, and he was fantastic. He did a one-man show on Buckminster Fuller which was supposedly fantastic a few years ago, but I missed. Too bad because he is such a great actor. The guy has amazing control of his body and did some great falls on stage. It takes a lot of phyical control to fall naturally on stage and to make it look accidental and not fake.

On Friday, I had to deposit some checks at the bank and then I went to The Container Store to buy a couple of french canning jars to store cereal. I use these jars to store cookies, and after months my cookies are still fresh and crunchy.

On Saturday, I drove down to Monterey to take a class called "Divine Intuition". A friend who also attended won the contest using her intuition to get how many jelly beans were in a jar. She was off by one. I don't know if that was just luck and a good guess or if she was really using her intuition.

The class was fun because we did readings on each other, although I received mixed readings about me and M-Square. It turns out I give really accurate readings. I don't think I can say the same for the partners I had in class. Then I went with a couple of friends to The Fishwife Restaurant and had a calamari sandwich. I had wanted to try it when I was in Monterey in July but never got around to it. The sandwich was very tasty and of course totally fattening.

When I went to my Weight Watchers meeting today I thought for sure I'd show a weight gain, but I actually lost 1/2 a pound. I'm having such a hard time getting into following the plan. If I write down everything I eat and stay within my point range I'm fine. But once I stop writing stuff down then I just end up eating a ton.

On Sunday I was so craving eating Captain Crunch cereal. I had two bowls of cereal which for me means a mix of Special K, Captain Crunch and Fiber One. I love having a handful of Captain Crunch on any cereal I'm eating. It's way better than eating cereal with fruit.

I am writing again and it's full steam ahead. I wrote four scenes yesterday and finished two difficult scenes today. I am so ahead of the schedule I set for myself that I think I'll be done with my screenplay if all goes well by next weekend.

I have to start thinking about the novel I'm going to write for Nanowrimo. I almost feel like just writing a screenplay, but a screenplay is less than 50K words. This year I want to write a novel from start to finish, and not just 30% of a novel that I normally do. What I should do is take that scifi screenplay idea I came up with back in January or February and turn that into a novel, and then later turn it back it into a screenplay. I've never taken a screenplay idea and turned it into a novel nor taken a novel and turned it into a screenplay. This will be a good exercise for me I think.

I'm blogging from the Starfbombs on 19th Avenue and surfing on someone's unsecured network. What a trip. This is the first time I've piggybacked on someone else's free connection. I'm working on that screenplay that I can't seem to finish, although I made a plan last night to finish it by the end of the month so I can enter it into a screenplay contest.

I just finished writing two scenes. To tell you the truth, I really dislike this screenplay. It kind of sucks and needs a serious rewrite, but Peter Z my writing teacher at UC Berkeley Extension told my writing class to always finish writing pieces because 1) it's good practice to finish what you're written and started and 2) it's psychologically healthy to finish your wriitng pieces rather than abandon them, no matter how they suck.

God, but is this screenplay just really really bad or what? Oh well. There are some good scenes and the plot is good; it just needs some serious tightening up.

M-Square is in a much better mood these days. Things at work have gotten a little better and I can tell he's doing better. Probably not today though since it's raining like heck where he is, and there are power issues in Orange County. M-Square is like Mr. Responsible so I'm sure he's freaking out about having power shortages at his company. I'm not sure if they even have processes in place to backup their computer systems in case of a power failure, since it's a small business.

I called him today because I had the feeling he wasn't doing so hot, and when I asked him if he was okay, he said no, and then said he would call me later. He did not sound very happy at all.

I keep getting the feeling that he's worried about us, about losing me. I mean it's not like I'm going anywhere or seeing anyone else right now, or even interested in meeting someone else, but hey, if something better came along I think I'd have to check it out. That's a bad attitude huh, but I'm like a practical girl. M-Square is 95% perfect, but I meet someone who is 90% perfect and lived locally then I'd be interested. Besides, why would the universe put another Mr. Perfect who lived locally in my path if it didn't mean something.

M-Square and I have an agreement to tell each other if we have sex with someone else, knowing full well that such an act would probably end the relationship. But if I met Mr. Better than M-Square then well I thihk it's meant to be.

I'm not sure how that would be possible for me to meet anyone else because I know if I ever did that, it would feel like such a betrayal to M-Square and that it would hurt him a ton. But, I'm also a big believer in destiny and fate and things happening for a reason.

Oh well! So much for yesterday's post. I received a call for another interview for Friday with the same company, same building, but different floor and different department. I asked my friend at work about it and she said I should go on the interview because she had heard good things about the department. I thought for sure she was going to say no, but she said she to do it.

As much as I see myself moving to Southern California next year, I need to keep options open. Another friend who has great intuition told me last night she saw me working in LA, but she couldn't see when. I don't want to feel like my life is on hold until M-Square and I decide that I need to move down there. I think if God meant me to move down there and be with him, then things will happen whether I want them to or not to make me move down there.

In the meantime, if a good job offer with more money comes my way I'm defintely going to take it. It never hurts to make more money. Plus a new job would give me more variety to add to my resume. I am so not learning anything new at my current job anymore. Plus from what I'm hearing in the rumor mill, revenue is going to be flat for my company next year and it's going to be about continually cutting back which isn't going to make for a good work enviroment. I also have the feeling that if things don't turn around, they're going to have to serious job cutting and since I'm not that well like by the head of my group I'm sure I'll be the first to get the boot.

A friend says I should stick around so I can go on unemployment, but I prefer to be gainfully employed. I like having money, what can I say? I'm only just starting to have some serious savings and I don't want that trend to stop. Besides, I've got to save money if I am moving to SoCal next year anyway for moving expenses.

So that Thursday interview didn't go well at all and I received a message on Friday that they weren't going to go forward with a second interview. I took Friday off as well so I didn't pick the message up till today. I was very bummed until I spoke to a woman who I remembered worked for this company. I took her out for coffee this afternoon, and she told me horror stories about the group I interviewed with.

I even showed her the names of the people and projects they sent me and she said "I had dodged a bullit because those people were insane." I probably would have taken the job because I so desperately want to get out of my job. I really trust this woman at work. We have become good friends and we have many of the same interests in common. She is also a writer, a really, really good writer! The woman can write circles around me, so I really respect her opinion.

So now I'm rethinking whether I even want to keep applying for jobs at this company. The woman at work who used to work there says she knows a ton of people there and they're all very unhappy and trying to get out. Wow! Our conversation was so eye-opening. She said the company where we're at now is heaven compared to that hell-hole.

I felt so relieved talking to my friend at work this afternoon because I interview very well, and I didn't know why I was struggling with this interview. C, the woman I had coffee with this afternoon, said it was my guardian angels making sure I didn't get the job. Cute huh?

I think I'm going to have rethink my job search. I mean, if I'm moving sometime next year hopefully to Southern California to be with M-Square, does it even make sense to get a new job. I was thinking that if I got a job with a company that had offices in Southern California, I could transfer. But now that I think about it, most companies probably want you to be with them for awhile before they let you move like maybe six months to a year. Do I really want to wait that long to move? Wouldn't it be easier to just move down there and then job hunt?

There are just so many things up in the air right now. I spoke to another friend tonight and she had an intuition while I was talking to her on the phone that she saw me working in Southern California next year. Interesting huh?

Well, the universe has put up road blocks in my job search. I'm like one of those people who never has a problem geting a job, even in a bad economy, so I think I need to rethink what I'm doing. My job isn't that bad. It's not the best, but I do have the freedom to leave at the end of the day and focus on other things. I love my boss and the work is relatively easy. And yes, there are issues and personality conflicts but as I was told this afternoon by my work friend, there are always going to be issues at every job.

And now I'm wondering if all this job stuff is just another way I have of distracting myself from focusing on my writing. It's been months since I wrote. With my job going south and then things happening with M-Square, writing has been the farthest thing from my mind. And when I don't write, I know I start to get really, really unhappy.

My mind is all jumbled right now. I really need to regroup, rethink, and restrategize what is going on with my life. I think at this point in the past, I would have blamed the guy I was dating for my unhappiness and dumped him first just to clear the decks. But no way am I doing that with M-Square although it's tempting only because it's my modus operandi.

I think for now I'm going to stay in my current job, but maybe mix it up a bit like going to work earlier and leaving earlier. Sometimes even a little change in your work routine will do wonders for a job. I'm also going to write every day. I'm going to do Nanowrimo in November so I might as well start practicing writing every day. My intuition tells me if I just start focusing on my writing, everything usually works better for me. It's always worked that way in the past, so let's see if history repeats itself.

I had my interview yesterday and it made me remember why I hate interviews. I can't tell whether I did well or not, and I hate that feeling. That group has a ton of openings, and the interview I had yesterday was just a screening interview. I don't even know if I'll make it past the screening. Oh well.

I just applied for two more jobs at the same company. I like the location a lot. The commute will be an hour but it's near Lake Merritt and my gym is right there.

I don't even know why I'm even looking for a job. Part of me just wants to stay at my current job until I decide that I need to move down to SoCal to be with M-Square and then just look for a job down there. But the other part is just plain fed up with my current job and it's becoming increasingly difficult for me to even go to work.

What's really sad is that the woman at work whom I don't get along with has such a bad reputation in the company now. I was in a meeting a couple of weeks ago and people sniggered when her name was mentioned. That's a bad sign isn't it? Even the relatively new guy laughed about her. You get the feeling that everyone thinks she's a piece of work, and she is. Even the newest person in group whom I walk with twice a week has heard she's a terrible manager. Boy, when you've got a bad rep in a company word spreads fast even among the newbies.

I know there's a better job for me out there somewhere. I just have to find it. I think I got spoiled because the current job I have was so easy to get. But now that I've been in the job I can see why it's had such a high turnover rate. They have to really careful about who they hire because there a nut jobs running the department.

I've been driving myself nuts searching thru iTunes for this song I used to really like. I thought if I looked at iMixes I would instantly spot it, but that was a bad idea. Finally tonight the song lyrics came back to me and the song was "Possum Kingdom" by the Toadies, which I googled and found. When I finally typed the song name into iTunes, it didn't make into anyone's iMixes yet. I must be the only person in the country who liked this song, still remembered it and then spent two days trying to find it. But I'm excited I have it, although as I listen to it now I'm not quite sure why I liked it so much.

New songs bought from i-Tunes:

A Hard Rain's A-Gonna Fall by Bob Dylan
A Hard Rain's A-Gonna Fall by Joan Baez
Angel Flying Too Close to the Ground – Willie Nelson (M-Square is my angel)
California Dreamin' – The Mamas and the Papas
Dedicated to the One I Love – The Mamas and the Papas
Monday, Monday – The Mamas and the Papas

So because I'm a glutton for punishment, I signed up to Nanowrimo for 2005 even though I didn't my 50,000 word novel last year. I don't know if I want to start a new novel, which you're supposed to do or try to finish one of the unfinished ones.

Oh, psychological angst of my unfinished novel pile not to mention my short but still still unfinished short story stack! Boohooo, boohooo, boohooo!

Saturday was busy! Finally after two months, my acupuncturist tells me it looks like I've lost some weight. He was very happy, but told me I need to lose more. At least he noticed which pleased me immensely!

Then I went to my hair guy to get a haircut. My hair was getting too long and it was starting to look straggly and I was thinking I was looking like a little too witchy with my fried ends or stuck in some hippie chick timewarp. My hair guy is so great! He is outrageously expensive, but he is worth every penny. He took about a couple of inches off my hair, and layered my hair so it doesn't look too heavy. Too much hair I think weights my face down. He knows I like to put my hair in a pony tail, so he tries to make sure that when it's all bound up like that my tail looks straight and even and not uneven. I love my new cut. My hair feels lighter and more managable, even though it's still long.

Then I asked the girls at the front desk if the salon did waxing. My brows and lips were practically frightful! They said no but gave me a business card to the place they all go to, which just so happened to be down the street.

What a gerat recommendation! The woman was great and my browns look amazing. She also did my lips and got all the hair off fairly quickly. She also does facials and said if I come in for a facial, she'll do my face waxing for free. She costs twice as much as what I normally pay, but I was very impressed by how fast and efficent she was and how she got my brows to arch a little more. There were women in the salon paying for $200 worth of beauty treatments, which made my jaw drop. What are these girls paying for? Sure, they looked great but $200 worth of treatments? They must have had full-on body waxing like legs, bikini line, back, brows, lips, back, you name it. I hope they didn't pay for underarm waxing because it's so not worth it. The hair grows back in like 4-5 days, and you feel so cheated because it hurts and it's not cheap.

Then for whatever reason, I headed down to the Ghiradelli Square to watch the Blue Angels show. I haven't seen a show in years, and it was to watch them again. Everyone was saying there were going to be a million people watching the show over the weekend, and it sure felt like it. I walked from Union Square to Ghiradelli Square along the Embardero and it was packed. I found a spot at the center stage and sat on the pavement next to this couple that were doing the same.

The show was supposed to start around 3 pm, but an announcement was mnade that some idiot had too many margaritas and fell off a boat in the bay and the coast guard was doing a search and rescue. And I'm like, they should have just let the fool drown. It was pretty funny though hearing the announcer trying to fill in the time and interview like totally boring official types.

When the show finally started, there was 15 minutes of some huge airplanethey call "Fat Albert" and people were getting restless, like "come on show us the real stuff!" When the Blue Angels finally appeared the crowd's mood seemed visisbly lightened. I don't remember ever hearing this before, but they were played some really good tunes during the show.

The most memorable song I remember was that song from "Top Gun" called "The Danger Zone". That was cool because as soon as that song came on, I started flashing on that movie. I'm sure everyone was doing the same thing.

Getting home was a nightmare. I hadn't eaten lunch and was there from 2-4:30 pm, so I stood in a long line at In and Out Burger and bought a burger, fries and a chocolate shake. I was totally starving and my weight watchers diet went out the window. Then I tried to take a bus home, which took forever. I think it took me two hours to get home.

I was tired and didn't want to walk back downtown, so I took a bus which was horrid. The traffic to get out the Fisherman's Wharf area was congested and Van Ness was so slow. ANd I could tell I was tired and not thinking straight because I couldn't figure out which bus to take. The easist thing would have been to catch the 30 stockton right outisde of Ghiradelli Square and then hop on the 28 home. But made my life hell and first waited for a 47 to go downtown. Then after waiting 20 minutes for a bus which was a block away becuase the traffic was so backed up, I decided to take a 47 in the opposite direction to get the Van Ness Station. It didn't hit me until I was 30 minutes on the 47 and seeing a couple of 30 Stockton buses go by that I should take a 30 Stockton because Van Ness was going to be as backed up as the Embarcadero. What a nightmare. Once the 30 Stockton turned off of Van Ness it moved pretty quicky and in was home in half an hour.

I saw this article last week from the Guaurdan UK, "Top 10 Sci-Fi Films. Supposedly all these scientists came up with this list. Okay, like "Blade Runner" is a great movie but does it really rate being number one? I have friends who have told me "Blade Runner" is on their top 10 favorite movie list of all time. They all like that ending line which goes something like "And who lives forever" or something like that.

At least The Matrix made the list, and yes one of the Star Wars, and I think the movie that should have been number one, "2001 Space Odyssey", but which came in at numnber two.

Good news today! One of the places I sent my resume to called for a job interview. That's not bad huh? I applied to four jobs and two called back now for interviews. I interview next Thursday on Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement.

I probably shouldn't be interviewing on one of the highest holy day of the jewish calendar, but it felt like a good day. The woman I spoke to and I were laughing about it. I said I know it's an important holiday because it's on my calendar but I'd forgotten what it was about, and she said she wanted to write on my application, "good sense of humor". Cute huh?

Maybe it's a good thing I didn't fly down to the OC to be with M-Square. This company has lots of offices in Southern California, so if I move down there next year hopefully I'll be able to transfer within the same company and already have a job if and when I move.

My poor M-Square. When I tune into him I keep getting the feeling that he's so afraid of losing me. I couldn't keep the hurt and disappointment out of my voice yesterday when he told me not to fly down. But it's all good. I even started remembering how easy it was to fall in love with him those two months before we met, and how meeting him just cemented my feelings.

I had this whole fantasy that we would like have a porno-type love fest in the car in the parking garage at LACMA when we got to the King Tut exhibit, or we would find some deserted spot in the exhibit and have a quickie. What a laugh! King Tut was like totally packed and we ended up parking outside. But M-Square must have had the same idea or else he picked up on thoughts because at some point while I was getting stuff out of the backseat of the care I was on all fours and he asked me "are you assuming the position?" So funny.

Then at the King Tut Exhibit he sent me desire vibes which freaked me out because meeting him after two months was just so weird. Plus he was doing the typical guy thing and totally finding any excuse to put his hands on my body, something I normally can't stand but with him it was fun and very, very erotic. And then when we walked down to the beach from his place to watch the sunset, he held my hand going down the stairs and I was like "Ahhhhh, just like in the love movies." And then I spoiled the moment by stepping in the dog pooh, and then I started freaking out because I was afraid of ruining my shoes.

And then our final goodbye kisses were so hot! From our goodbye kiss I finally understood that phrase "they kissed like lovers on the edge of a void" ...such good memories!

I hope this job pays more than what I'm making because it will cost me about $150 to commute to work now instead of the $45 I pay now. I really, really like this company that I will be interviewing with. There are doing well and they have about 30-40% of the California health insurance market. I asked a really, really good friend of mine who is a pediatric nurse about this company, and she said the company is doing some great things. My ex-boss from two jobs ago also works for the company but not at their corporate office.

I'm also looking forward to getting my PCP and OBGYN back as well, since they are with this company. I can't see them now because of the way health insurance works in this state, but if I get the job I'll have access.

M-Square and I had a huge fight this week. He's going through a really hard time at work and being very non-communicative. I was supposed to fly down to see him on Septemer 24, but he was going to work that weekend. And then I wanted to fly down next week to see him but he's just way too stressed from work and other things going on his life.

I was so pissed at him. He says I leave him too many voicemails and it's like he's talking to me so he doesn't feel like calling. Then when I finally talk to him he's like so stressed out and says I'll call you back and never does. The boy is just so wiped out every day. He's hired three new employees and training new people is very stressful to him. He said the new people never show up for work on time and it pisses him off.

I stopped calling him at work because I knew he was training new people, so I don't get to talk to him during the day. Lack of communication just totally freaks me out. I think he's also having a hard time with the owner of the company, who brought M-Square in to take the company international. But it's hard I think for an owner who's had his own business for 30 years to all of a sudden bring in another person and expect to give up control, even if the new person is a long time friend of his. His boss wants do two seminars as well and wants M-Square to help him do it. He said something about maybe doing the seminars in New York and Florida.

M-Square has a degree in physics and can explain the science of the products they're selling. He's been a pharma rep before, and taught seminars to doctors on drugs so he's good at leading seminars. But this is a new field for him and it's a totally different thing than getting docs to use and buy drugs.

So my baby boy is all stressed out and says he feels pressured by me and I just about lost it on Tuesday and was so ready to break up with him. I called him on Tuesday after not hearing from him for a whole week and he said something like "didn't I tell you that?" and I just got riled and didn't know why. When I finally figured it on Wednesday, it was pretty silly.

I got mad because I hadn't heard from him for a week and then we he said he'd told me something already it was like "who the hell are you talking to, what woman has my exact same voice that you think you are talking to me?" I was jealous and didn't even know it. Then I had to call him back and grovel and beg for forgiveness.

I know the guy isn't seeing anyone else. I just hate that he doesn't call enough and he hates that I leave too many voicemails. Then he said that I don't give him a chance to call me. I felt bad when he said that because other guys have said this to me before.

I finally figured it out that he was thinking I didn't trust him enough to call me and it was really getting to him. He gets enough of that "no trust" stuff at work and now he has to deal with it with me. But I spoke to him and we made up and then I was happy again. He just needs his space because he's so stressed at work, and I think I was focusing too much on him and not enough on my own life.

I've stopped writing and I've stopped job hunting. I was becoming way to co-dependent and not being the independent person I normally am. That was a hard lesson for me to learn, but at least I got it now and we're still together.

I'm just happy we're still together, but disappointed that I can't see him. With all the work stress he's under, it's taking a toll on his health and he can't sleep and he's not eating right. He says he comes home and tries to read but can't relax and totally does not feel like talkking to anyone. I so know what he's going through. Work stress is really, really difficult. He says he misses me terribly and he's afraid of losing me, and I guess me wanting to break it off just doesn't help things much. He says he's under a lot of pressure at work and having me stress on him is another pressure-stressor in his life.

My poor boy! He always sounds so exhausted and whiny when I talk to him. He doesn't want to be that way with me, but he says he can't help it. I think I just have to calm down and get back to my own life, because not writing and not job hunting is making me unhappy as well. I also stopped working out, which never, never helps.

I was amazed at how easy it was for me to become so co-dependent on him, which is unhealthy for me and for our relationship. I feel bad too because my total instinct is to mother him and make his pain go away, and I know I shouldn't do that. He's an adult and doesn't need me mothering him and care-taking him like that.

But this is hard because I want to see him and I can't. My idea of heaven would be to just lie in bed all day and have sex with him all weekend, but in his state of mind and health he said it probably wouldn't be very satsifying. I'm sure he has performance anxiety running through his head as well.

But at least we're still together and holding on, and that's the most important thing. Work stress can't last forever and hopefully soon he'll be better soon and I can fly down to see him. My therapist said I need to take things one day at a time with him and be in the moment with him until his work pressure eases off. She said work stress is everyone's number one stressor with relationship stress running a close seocnd, so he's got a double whammy with me in the picture.

Haven't posted for awhile ... but I've been busy!

There was a free bluegrass festival in Golden Gate park last weekend and I attended both days. I saw Joan Baez, which was sooo cool! Her voice still sounds great and she sang a Bob Dylan song called "A Hard Rain Gonna Fall, which was just amazing.

Then on the way home I stopped to watch Doc Watson, who sang the first country song ever recorded. I love old country music!

On Sunday, a few friends showed up and we saw The Austin Lounge Lizards, Dolly Parton, and listed to a couple songs by Ricky Skaggs! You haven't lived till you've sung "Me and Bobby McGee" and "Imagine" with Dolly. Dolly looks really great for her age. She wore a rhinestone covered turquoise dress and she kept saying how all her instruments were covered with rhinestones.

The bands didn't play long. It is a free concert after all, so most sets were about 45 minutes. Ricky Skaggs was amazing, and I saw guys dancing to his music. The park was filled with so many non-San Franciscans, with all the southern folk weearing clothing proclaiming which southern state they were from.

Dolly's buses had Tennessee license plates, which means she drove all the way here from there. That's a long way to come to play a free concert in foggy San Francisco.

On Sunday morning I did a 7K Bridge to Bridge Walk, which my company was sponsoring. They paid for all their employees race fees and we wore company t-shirts to the race. I walked with a fellow employee and did the 7K in about an hour an 10 minutes. There was also a 12K run at the same time.

It was a jam packed weekend and my body was so sore from the 7k walk and standing for about four hours and dancing at the free concert. But I had fun and there's nothing like a free concert. I don't think I would have paid to hear Dolly Parton, but now that I've seen her I think I would pay to hear a three hour with her. I would definitely pay money to see Ricky Skaggs again. Emmy Lou Harris also played on Sunday at the end, but by that time I was so beat I just wanted go home and take a hot bath.