I saw another great movie last week called "Requiem for a Dream". Here's another "Pulp Fiction" reference. I thought that "Pulp Fiction" had some of the best scenes showing how drugs get into your system, but Requiem does them better. I'm not sure if Requiem stole it from Pulp, since it's been awhile since I've seen that movie, but the scenes seem similar.

"Requiem for a Dream" is the best movie I've seen on drug addiction, and how and why people get into it. Ellen Burstyn was amazing, and I can why she got nominated for Best Actress the year the movie came out. The movie also features a very young looking, thin and flat chested Jennifer Connelly. Maybe all those rumors about her fake rack are true, because she did not have one in this movie.

Requiem showed quite convincingly I think, that people always take drugs for emotional reasons. Either they're lonely, they're bored, they're looking for fun, they're looking for something that's missing in their environment or inside of themselves. Then like most things in life, if drug addiction could be plotted on a graph, it would resemble a bell curve.

Somewhere at the top of the bell curve is the point at which you pass from emotional need and into physical need. Alcohol addiction happens the same way, by the way, and yes, I did see it plotted on a graph too. For every person, the point at which you pass from emotional to physical addiction is different, but for all once you pass the "point of no return" there's no going back.

The movie showed cost of the physical addictions as well, and how it sneaks up on you. But the movie also showed how for awhile, the drugs do fill the void, maybe not for very long, but they do fill the void. And this is why drugs can be so very dangerous; they work. Drugs fill voids like nothing else, and they do it very well, and they fool you into thinking they will the void forever. But it's a lie, and they don't. The drugs end up filling up the emotional void, but then they create a physical void that only more drugs can fill. This is how drugs seduce you, trap you, enslave you, till I think you get to the point where you wonder if the emotional void you thought was hell wasn't as bad compared to the physical hell of the drug void. Do drug addicts wonder about this irony?

I rented the movie from Blockbuster, and it said it was the edited version. The movie was quite graphic, so I'm curious now about the unedited version. I may try to rent it from somewhere else just to compare.

The guy who cowrote the screenplay for Requiem, wrote the book as well, and I'm curious to see how the book compares to the movie. The movie spooked me about drug addiction, but I've been spooked in reality before, so I could definitely relate. Would the movie spook other people as well, who haven't tasted what drug addiction could be like? Somehow I doubt it.

There is no way to describe the depths of an emotional void and how you will do anything to fill it, if you haven't experienced it for yourself. For every person it's so different. Some people have very shallow emotional voids, others are quite deep. I'm not sure which ones are the lucky ones. Some people also have an amazing tolerance for drugs, and others can get hooked after a few times. The results however, no matter how fast or slow you get there, are the same.

I saw American Buffalo last Thursday at ACT. I read the play in college, and saw a production of it years ago, and seeing it again reminds me that a great play is timeless no matter when you see it.

First of all, there is the classic David Mamet full of foul language dialogue. The dialogue was radical when Mamet wrote it in the 1970's, and now it just makes the audience laugh. Think of Good Fellas or any mob Joe Pesci character, and you've got classic David Mamet dialogue. Think of the some of the great "Pulp Fiction" dialogue that Quentin Tarantino wrote, and how the gangsters were so angsty and into discovering themselves, and you realize that Tarantino ripped it from Mamet almost 25 years later.

Secondly, the acting was amazing. Marco Barricelli was perfect as Teach, and gave this almost lovable and sexy low life character a tangible desperate energy. He reminded me of Sean Penn's energy when I saw him on stage a couple of years ago. Matt DeCari as Donnie Dubrow was also terrific, and boy did he nail that chicago flat A accent. Damon Seawell as Bob was also very good, and I liked how he gave his character all the tell tale signs of an addict like rubbing your arms because you've got the skin crawlies.

Finally, I'm not sure if Mamet invented low life characters as worthy entertainment, but he sure perfected it in this play. Half way through the play, I realized that these guys were total losers, total low lifes, and I started asking myself why am I am watching these people. Then almost immediately, it hit me that Teach reminded me a guy I dated 8 years ago. There is nothing like recognizing that one of your ex boyfriends resembles a low life character you're watching in a play. I started to understand that these low life characters are quite universal, and that despite their income level, you end up relating to them or finding yourself in them.

I started to wonder if I was like Teach, a person who is always dreaming, always looking for the next big thing, pretty full of themselves, silly sometimes even, and most importantly pathetic. I don't know. I think there might be a little Teach in all of us. Who isn't out there dreaming of the next big thing, not ever satisfied with their life, thinking there might be something better out there for us, thinking (no matter how small the thought) that that world just doesn't treat us the right way? I know

I know I think like Teach sometimes. Sometimes I get in a bitter mood, and I rail against the world and my circumstances. I hate when I do that, but it happens. And yes, when I'm bitter, I feel really pathetic, suicidal sometimes. Thankfully, the bitterness moods are few and far between, but I know I've experienced them and American Buffalo reminded me of what they're like.

Maybe that's what the best plays do. They put you in touch with a part of yourself you don't like, would like to forget, wished you could forget, are in denial about, but which you ultimately know is part of your own personal experience, and part of the human condition as well.

I slept all morning, and then woke up bored and hungry. Since I've been sleeping non stop practically since 2 pm yesterday and not eating, I helped myself to a bowl of vanilla ice cream by Dreyer's Dreamery and low fat Smucker's chocolate sauce. Yummy!

The ice cream stayed down and didn't upset my stomach, so I guess this means whatever bug has been attacking my system is now gone. It's either that, or the flu bug loves ice cream.

Then I decided to load Turbo Tax on my computer and start on my taxes. I made a ton of charitable contributions this year and gave away a bunch of stuff, so I'm getting a huge tax refund. YEAH!!! Now I just have to figure out what to do with the extra money. I'm tempted to put the money towards paying off some debt, but another part of me is saying no, spend it on something you've always wanted like a laptop. I have money to buy a used laptop. I couldn't get a 3-4 pound laptop that I've been wanting with a new chip, but I could get a decent 5 pound laptop, with a decent chip brain. It's tempting, very tempting.

There are other things I could also buy like a new ring for my right hand. I had to give my pretty blue topaz ring away to a friend of mine, since I suddenly became allergic to it. Then there's those Dansko Mary Jane shoes I've been dying to have.

It's nice to have a huge tax refund, but I'm only getting it because I donated and gave away more than the standard deduction. If you don't own a property or a business like me, the only tax breaks most people have left, taxes totally kill you. I had charitable contributions of almost $700 last year, and still it wasn't enough to get me past the standard deduction. I hate that!

I'm taking a sick day today, and I'm at home. I should have taken a sick day yesterday, but I went in and ended up leaving at 1 pm. My body is fighting some kind of flu, I think. I'm getting the chills, I'm sweating, and my tummy is cramping. Since I've been trying to beef up my immune system, I don't get normal flus or viruses, I get them in halves. When I had the Norwalk virus, I went to the bathroom a lot, but I wasn't throwing up or feverish. The last time the flu went around the office, I got a stomach thing, but no runny nose or other cold symptoms.

I mean, I'm glad my body is working to fight off illnesses, but since I only get half the symptoms, it's hard to diagnose what is ailing me. Oh well. At least it's not a full blow nasty flu; those are the worst.