I sometimes unknowingly pick up people's thoughts or maybe it's just that I'm very, very perceptive and can read situatons really well. Not all the time, but just sometimes. I'd actually forgotten I could do this, but working in an office has reminded me that I have this ability.

I was feeling so jealous last week of that new guy that was getting so much work, and I couldn't figure out why. I mean, I probably make double what me makes so why should it bother me that he was getting alot of work. My workload is heavy enough without wanting more.

But when I talked to the admim assistant for our group, she confided in me that she was feeling some job insecurity because of the new guy who is also a admin assistant like she is. She was afraid that her bosses might like him better, and try to boot her out. Poor kid, and she really is a young twenty something kid.

I think I was picking up the admin assistant's feelings and thoughts, and thinking they were my own. At least now I know why I was having those feelngs.

I wish I was better at shielding my mind but I'm not. It takes me awhile to figure out that I may just be picking up someone else's thoughts, but once I do I know how to rid myself of the other person so to speak. I have enough tools, have taken enough seminars, and have enough books to quickly remove thoughts and feelings that aren't my own from my head.

When I was younger it used to be really bad. I couldn't look at crippled people or people with obvious physical deformities without tapping into their pain, sadness and anger. I still remember that time I couldn't go near the Vietnam Memorial in DC because I was picking up way too many sad, sad, and painful thoughts from other people.

I have an urge to go to New York to see the 9/11 site, but I know in my heart I probably physically couldn't go near the place witout freaking out.

I wish my friend Amy was still alive. I have perceptions but I can't analyze them. I used to tell Amy about the perceptions I was having up, and she was able tap into my perceptions and analyze them so they made sense. Amy said I could analyze them if I wanted do, but I just wasn't used to doing it because she said I ignored them most of the time until they started to infringe on my own mental space.

Amy was always telling me I need to protect myself more, and learn to put up a barrier between myself and other's people thoughts and feelings. Amy said she would literally go insane if she picked up perceptions the way I did.

But I don't how to turn them off because I don't even know how I get them. I just get them. It's an inner knowing. Amy was lucky because her perceptions took the form of images in her mind. Mine come as thoughts in my head, whether their mine or somebody else's.

I'm reading over this post, and I know I'm starting to sound like a science fiction character in one of Octavia Butler's books. Most of her books are about people who have various forms of intuition. I wonder if she's an intuitive.

At least it's not that bad for me. I met a woman in college who could literally tell when things were going to happen. She kept her ability very secret, and I only found out about it because I tapped into her once and asked her about it. She said she never shared her ability with anyone because it was just too dangerous for her, even though she had learned to turn it off. She said she could pass someone by and know whether they were going to die the next moment. She hated it and feared her own powers.

I have some tapes that are supposed to harmonize your brain patterns, and I've been listening to them to help me from picking perceptions up. I'm thinking that maybe if my brain waves were more in harmony, I wouldn't be so vulnerable to other people's thoughts and feelings. It seems be working right now anway. The tapes are also great for relaxing so maybe I feel better because I'm less stressed.

Maybe working long hours at work is starting to pay off. I'm off to North Carolina in June for a 3-day seminar. I love travelling to different states, even if it's just for business. I get to stay in a hotel, rack up mileage on my airline cards, eat out, and schmooze with other people.

I hope I'll have the chance to sightsee but I doubt it. The seminar starts Sunday and ends Tuesday afteroon. I hear Raleigh, North Carolina is a nice place, and I'll be staying at the Washington Duke Inn & Golf Club, which is a Four-Diamond hotel nestled in 300 acres of tall pines and hardwoods and located on the campus of Duke University.

All I know about Duke is that they've got a consistently well-run college basketball team, from my memories of my March madness gambling ventures.

Then in July, I fly down to LA for a conference. It will be a one day trip, flying in the morning and coming back at night. But at least I'm travelling, and that to me is a good thing.

I continued by japanese film festival this weekend, and rented Throne of Blood by Akira Kurosawa and Zatoichi 2: The Tale of Zatoichi Continues by Kazuo Mori.

These were two great samurai movies, fully of bloody fight scenes, great samurai costumes, and lots and lots of great swordplay.

Throne of Blood is Kurosawa's adapation of Macbeth done in feudal warlord japanese history. The ending is great and very, very horrific. Kurosawa's ending scene makes Tarantino's violence in Kill Bill look very tame.

Zatoichi is just fun to watch because he's blind and still a yakuza and a great warrior, and women are always falling in love with him and telling how great he is in bed. That's so funny to me.

It's take me forever to read "A Thousand of Acres". It's hard to read a book where the characters are doing stupid things just because they can't help themselves. I have that running conversation about my own life, so why do I have to read out people doing it in their lives?

I'm reading all of Octavia Butler's books. I just finished reading Clay's Ark by Octavia Butler. Her books are much more interesting to read and much more thought provoking for me. But it's science fiction and I'm finding it's just more fun to read than regular old human drama, the kind of stuff you see as a movie on Lifetime TV.

I had such a lazy, lazy weekend. I didn't leave the house at all on Saturday. I stayed in and cleaned and puttered around the house. I was planning to go out, but then it felt so go to be leisurely and be a bum. I did clean up and get things picked up, so at least my day wasn't completely wasted.

This morning I meant to get up to go to church, but the temptation to sleep in was just too much. I finally roused myself in the afternoon, returned my videos, went to the library to return the books I read and pick up more books that I had requested and had come in, and then did some grocery shopping.

I cooked all the food that was in the fridge, and I now have lunches prepared for four days this week. I like not having to think about what I'm going to bring or buy for lunch every day.

I finally got around to making croutons out of the loaf of country sourdough bread I bought last week. It got really hard, so I popped into the microwave to soften it up and then cut it for homemade croutons. Making homemade crouton is so time consuming, but they taste better than store bought ones.

There's an animated version of The Lord of Rings on TV that I have on in the background. I thought it might fun to watch and compare it to Peter Jackson's movie version. But now I just want to lie in bed, listen to opera arias and read.