After all the dramarama of running into my ex-hubby, and then spending half an hour talking to a friend of mine in front of Blockbuster as she tried to calm me down about running into him, I did manage to get to Starfreaks and write for an hour.
I had some more things to write for Elf Girl story, mainly how my main character hated the younger brother for dying and leaving her to defend the kingdom and lead the armies. It's irrational to hate a six-year old for dying because it's not like he had a choice, but my main character is a child herself and she has to be angry at someone. So why not hate the younger brother for dying and leaving her to deal with the mess?
Plus there's the guilt she has for being unprepared to fight, the guilt for the irrational hatred of her brother, the anger for being robbed of her childhood, the guilt for all the mistakes she made in those first few years which almost led to the complete decimation of her army.
Irrational anger and guilt intertwined like challah bread is really weird and interesting to write about. And I wrote it all on my new Palm Tungsten E with my mini free foldup keyboard. I love it. I don't need to be near an outlet, and I can just type away. I probably should figure out how to get an extra power source, should I ever run out of juice. Writing for an hour wiped out about 1/3 of my battery power. Still, it beats having to lug a laptop around right now.
Tuesday, October 19, 2004
My past is coming back to haunt me.
Haunt # 1 - On the way to the movie rental place last night, I ran into my ex-husband. Talk about shocking! I hadn’t seen him in what, 14 or more years. We talk on the phone and we email, but I haven’t seen him in ages. I think the last time I saw him was at a gathering in Portland Oregon of mutual friends.
I was so freaked out, I think I was kind of rude to him and then when he wanted to me to meet his girlfriend, I was like "I don’t think so." It’s not like I’m jealous, it’s more like I don’t really want to know that much about his personal life. My ex-hub was his usual nasty self and he lashed out and said "she loves me more than you ever did", which was really quite uncalled for and very inappropriate. But you know, the guy was probably right. We were never a good fit, and we couldn’t love each other the way we each needed to be loved to make the marriage last. He’s been with his girlfriend longer than we were ever together, although they still aren’t married and don’t even live together.
Haunt # 2 – While waiting in the rain for the train to take me to work, this guy comes over and starts talking to me about how late the trains were. Talk about blast from the past. The guy looked exactly like the kind of guy I wanted to marry in college. He was your typical New York City jewish looking intellectual type with glasses, a little nerdy, tall with dark hair and brown eyes. He was the kind of guy I would fantasize that I would be married to, and living with in an apartment on Central Park West. We would go to old movies and argue about them like in a Woody Allen movie. We would take walks in Central Park, explore the Village on the weekends, go to the Met or the Guggenheim to see art, and hunt around furiously for cheap sushi places in little Tokyo. We’d spend hours arguing about finer points of harvard liberal politics, books, philosophy, and why jazz after 1970 isn’t as good as jazz in the 1950’s.
When we got on separate trains, I was berating myself for not following him. He got off at my stop, but took a different escalator. Maybe I’ll run into him on the train again.
I haven’t met a guy quite this one in a very long time, and it was kind of like having an old fantasy come to life and start talking to you. Very strange. Red-haired guy is the kind of guy that I would never have been attracted to in college, and up until a few years ago wouldn’t have even bothered talking to. Maybe red-haired guy was right when he teases that I’m at heart "a snobby girl". There’s more truth to what he teases me about than he’ll ever know.
Haunt # 3 – I received an email this morning from a co-worker at my last job. I haven’t heard from her in six months. She was just emailing to say hello, and said nothing has changed at my old company. It makes me wonder if there’s more to the email than what she’s letting on, but she hasn’t emailed back. I hope she’s okay. Maybe she wants to come and work for my company.
Haunt # 1 - On the way to the movie rental place last night, I ran into my ex-husband. Talk about shocking! I hadn’t seen him in what, 14 or more years. We talk on the phone and we email, but I haven’t seen him in ages. I think the last time I saw him was at a gathering in Portland Oregon of mutual friends.
I was so freaked out, I think I was kind of rude to him and then when he wanted to me to meet his girlfriend, I was like "I don’t think so." It’s not like I’m jealous, it’s more like I don’t really want to know that much about his personal life. My ex-hub was his usual nasty self and he lashed out and said "she loves me more than you ever did", which was really quite uncalled for and very inappropriate. But you know, the guy was probably right. We were never a good fit, and we couldn’t love each other the way we each needed to be loved to make the marriage last. He’s been with his girlfriend longer than we were ever together, although they still aren’t married and don’t even live together.
Haunt # 2 – While waiting in the rain for the train to take me to work, this guy comes over and starts talking to me about how late the trains were. Talk about blast from the past. The guy looked exactly like the kind of guy I wanted to marry in college. He was your typical New York City jewish looking intellectual type with glasses, a little nerdy, tall with dark hair and brown eyes. He was the kind of guy I would fantasize that I would be married to, and living with in an apartment on Central Park West. We would go to old movies and argue about them like in a Woody Allen movie. We would take walks in Central Park, explore the Village on the weekends, go to the Met or the Guggenheim to see art, and hunt around furiously for cheap sushi places in little Tokyo. We’d spend hours arguing about finer points of harvard liberal politics, books, philosophy, and why jazz after 1970 isn’t as good as jazz in the 1950’s.
When we got on separate trains, I was berating myself for not following him. He got off at my stop, but took a different escalator. Maybe I’ll run into him on the train again.
I haven’t met a guy quite this one in a very long time, and it was kind of like having an old fantasy come to life and start talking to you. Very strange. Red-haired guy is the kind of guy that I would never have been attracted to in college, and up until a few years ago wouldn’t have even bothered talking to. Maybe red-haired guy was right when he teases that I’m at heart "a snobby girl". There’s more truth to what he teases me about than he’ll ever know.
Haunt # 3 – I received an email this morning from a co-worker at my last job. I haven’t heard from her in six months. She was just emailing to say hello, and said nothing has changed at my old company. It makes me wonder if there’s more to the email than what she’s letting on, but she hasn’t emailed back. I hope she’s okay. Maybe she wants to come and work for my company.
Monday, October 18, 2004
I'm in the trenches trying to fight off an impending flu. My boss had it, went on anti-biotics for 10 days which didn't help, and now she thinks she has pneumonia. This is bad.
Not to mention my anxiety level is at an all-time high, and I wake up every morning feeling anxious as all heck. Waves of anxiety hit me like a pulse wave hitting my protective shield. I get a little shiver in an appendage, and if it gets really bad like it is now, I get a horrible feeling in my stomach. Today I have an added symptom because I'm starting to grind my teeth at work. I can feel my jaw quivering like crazy, and I only get like this if I'm really stressed out.
The breakup with red-haired guy is not going well. He does not want to break up ever, and it's becoming a problem. And no, I don't think friendship is a good alternative for us and I've only ever said this to one other guy. I honestly didn't think I would ever have to go through this again either.
It's my karma to attract obsessive crazies!
Not to mention my anxiety level is at an all-time high, and I wake up every morning feeling anxious as all heck. Waves of anxiety hit me like a pulse wave hitting my protective shield. I get a little shiver in an appendage, and if it gets really bad like it is now, I get a horrible feeling in my stomach. Today I have an added symptom because I'm starting to grind my teeth at work. I can feel my jaw quivering like crazy, and I only get like this if I'm really stressed out.
The breakup with red-haired guy is not going well. He does not want to break up ever, and it's becoming a problem. And no, I don't think friendship is a good alternative for us and I've only ever said this to one other guy. I honestly didn't think I would ever have to go through this again either.
It's my karma to attract obsessive crazies!
Saturday, October 16, 2004
I haven't thought about my Elf Girl Chronicles story in a long time, but I got this bit this morning as I waiting for the bus to go to my acupuncture appointment. I've been trying to figure out how the war started between non-human realms and the humans, and this is the reason.
*************
The reason the Elfin war with the humans started ...
I had a brother, a younger brother. I was seven when he was born. He was the son my parents always wanted, prayed for. He would be heir to my father's throne. He would be king, and I would be high priestess and share the duty of running our kingdom, just as my father and his brother my uncle had done.
I helped me to raise him, and I loved him as if he were my own. When I left for school I was heartbroken to leave him, as I felt like I was leaving a part of myself behind.
Little did I know then what role he would play in the destruction of our world, our kingdom, our people, and our realm. It was his death that would start the war. My uncle had persuaded father to sacrifice my brother to appease triumverate of evil. in truth, my brother's death was to show the triumverate our loyalty to their cause, but I'm sure my father had known none of this. If he did, I'm sure he would not have agreed to sacrifice his only heir, his only son, his royal progeny.
No, my father thought he was doing the right thing, thought he would appease the triumverate and avert more killings, more bloodshed, avert the harm that he thought would come to our people.
Blood sacrifice was a human ritual, such barbarism did not exist in our realm or any other non-human realm until the humans came and tried to take over the kingdom.
But my father, and especially my uncle, had not calculated the ripple effect of their blood sacrifice. Instead of appeasement, the triumverate then demanded that the king of each realm sacrifice one of their children to them.
It was then we knew, that the systematic destruction of our people, our realm, our kingdom, our people would not stop.
The fragile alliance that my father had built between himself and other kings throughout the land dissolved. They other kings abandoned my father, and he and my uncle became prisoners. And age 15 I became the defacto ruler of my kingdom. I had no choice then, I had to to fight. I had to lead what was left of my father's army, I had to avenge my brother's death.
I left school then and took what little knowledge I had learned in the two years of school about my burgeoning powers and use them to fight, to fight for our family, our honour, our people and our kingdom.
And my poor brother, perhaps he was lucky to die before the war started. Perhaps he was lucky that he was not witness the destruction and degradation that would happen to our world. He did not live to see our people enslaved, he did not live to see our beloved mother and father tortured and hung high above the castle walls for everyone to see and to serve as a warning to all those who chose to disobey the triumverate.
He did not leave to see what I had to become, what I was forced to become, an avenging killing angel,who killed in his name, in his honour, until I was hunted down and finally captured, and tortured and then enslaved, and then changed never to become or be born again into an elfin incarnation, but to always be born an imperfect human.
************
I didn't know until today that my elf girl character had a younger brother, but of course as I was writing it it all made sense. There had to be legitimate reason why the war started, and why not a blood sacrific of a child, which echoes Abraham sacrificing Isaac to his god, and then god sending his only Jesus Christ as a sacrifice to die for our sins.
But in Abraham's time, the God of Israel halted Abraham from killing Isaace, and JC died to save us from sin and to give us eternal life. But my poor royal elf boy's death will cause the ultimate destruction of the kingdom and world that he was to inherit. And somehow there is something very fitting in echoing the sacrific of the male heir and child, but twisting the outcome a bit.
*************
The reason the Elfin war with the humans started ...
I had a brother, a younger brother. I was seven when he was born. He was the son my parents always wanted, prayed for. He would be heir to my father's throne. He would be king, and I would be high priestess and share the duty of running our kingdom, just as my father and his brother my uncle had done.
I helped me to raise him, and I loved him as if he were my own. When I left for school I was heartbroken to leave him, as I felt like I was leaving a part of myself behind.
Little did I know then what role he would play in the destruction of our world, our kingdom, our people, and our realm. It was his death that would start the war. My uncle had persuaded father to sacrifice my brother to appease triumverate of evil. in truth, my brother's death was to show the triumverate our loyalty to their cause, but I'm sure my father had known none of this. If he did, I'm sure he would not have agreed to sacrifice his only heir, his only son, his royal progeny.
No, my father thought he was doing the right thing, thought he would appease the triumverate and avert more killings, more bloodshed, avert the harm that he thought would come to our people.
Blood sacrifice was a human ritual, such barbarism did not exist in our realm or any other non-human realm until the humans came and tried to take over the kingdom.
But my father, and especially my uncle, had not calculated the ripple effect of their blood sacrifice. Instead of appeasement, the triumverate then demanded that the king of each realm sacrifice one of their children to them.
It was then we knew, that the systematic destruction of our people, our realm, our kingdom, our people would not stop.
The fragile alliance that my father had built between himself and other kings throughout the land dissolved. They other kings abandoned my father, and he and my uncle became prisoners. And age 15 I became the defacto ruler of my kingdom. I had no choice then, I had to to fight. I had to lead what was left of my father's army, I had to avenge my brother's death.
I left school then and took what little knowledge I had learned in the two years of school about my burgeoning powers and use them to fight, to fight for our family, our honour, our people and our kingdom.
And my poor brother, perhaps he was lucky to die before the war started. Perhaps he was lucky that he was not witness the destruction and degradation that would happen to our world. He did not live to see our people enslaved, he did not live to see our beloved mother and father tortured and hung high above the castle walls for everyone to see and to serve as a warning to all those who chose to disobey the triumverate.
He did not leave to see what I had to become, what I was forced to become, an avenging killing angel,who killed in his name, in his honour, until I was hunted down and finally captured, and tortured and then enslaved, and then changed never to become or be born again into an elfin incarnation, but to always be born an imperfect human.
************
I didn't know until today that my elf girl character had a younger brother, but of course as I was writing it it all made sense. There had to be legitimate reason why the war started, and why not a blood sacrific of a child, which echoes Abraham sacrificing Isaac to his god, and then god sending his only Jesus Christ as a sacrifice to die for our sins.
But in Abraham's time, the God of Israel halted Abraham from killing Isaace, and JC died to save us from sin and to give us eternal life. But my poor royal elf boy's death will cause the ultimate destruction of the kingdom and world that he was to inherit. And somehow there is something very fitting in echoing the sacrific of the male heir and child, but twisting the outcome a bit.
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