Today was Day 1 of Nanwrimo and I wrote 1,726 words. I am starting work on my novel series, "The Elf Girl Chronicles". I never did find that piece of paper with the screenplay idea that I came up with in January and wanted to turn into a novel, so I figured why not start work on my novel series.

I titled the novel, "The Elf Girl Chronicles Book 1: The Prophecy". But boy writing it tonight was like pulling teeth. I didn't know whether to write it in first or third person. I started out in first which was fine for an introduction I suppose, then switched to third person to tell the rest of the story.

Talk about bad, bad, bad first draft writing. But oh well, at least I'm writing and I made my word count. I didn't even draft an outline, which is so not like. I'm going to have to draft an outline this weekend, because I won't be able to write without a road map for very long.

And names, I didn't even have time to come up with good character names, so I am so making them up as I write. Oh well, it's only a very badly written first draft right?

The weekend was not good for writing. I had time to write, I thought about writing but I didn't do it. I'm very disappointed with myself. Nanowrimo starts tomorrow and I have no idea what I'm going to write. I have nothing planned or outlined but an idea that I sketched out in January. I've got to find that piece of paper tonight so I can do a brief outline and start writing tomorrow.

I was doing so well with my writing these last two weeks and I don't know what happened. I get so distracted sometimes. I spent part of Saturday getting a waxing and then I came home and made some cds for M-Square and mailed them and other presents I'd bought for him.

On Saturday night I did nothing but zone out in front of the tv. I don't even know what I watched. On Sunday I went out and had a manincure and then came home and cleaned up my house and put things away.

I kept thinking about writing but could not motivate myself to go to the cafe to sit and write. Damn! I could have had a finished screenplay by now. I'm planning to finish the screenplay this month as well as do Nanowrimo. I've got to do it. I've got to finish something this year just for my own peace of mind.

It was a great Sunday in the San Francisco Bay Area on Sunday with the Raiders and the 49ers finally winning games. And yes it was a sweet victory for the 49ers over the Tampa Bay Bucaneers and John Grudin. Gotta love the fourth string quarterback taking over for the 49ers. It was like watching Oliver Stone's football movie "Any Given Sunday" only this was real life in the NFL. I love when life imitates a Hollywood script or is the other way around.

My interview today went well I think, but it's hard to tell. The woman I interviewed with was so nice. I really liked her. But I don't know why I'm drawn to newly created jobs. They're the hardest kind of jobs to have. I've never not been in a job that hasn't been newly created where I've had to figure it all on my own. I think I have to do some journaling about what that means.

I think I'd like to be in a job that's already established because I think it would be easier. Boring I know, but easy. I think I still need to keep looking. If I get offered the job, I will defintely take it however because I'd really like to leave my job and my company.

M-Square told me on Sunday that I was an important part of his life. That was sweet. He told me things about his job that he's never confided in anyone, and it was pretty heavy. He is in a very complicated situation. I don't think I would ever work for someone that I was really good friends with; it's never a good situation. It's like moving in with a good friend; either it's a disaster or it works.

My poor babe ... it felt like something in my relationship with M-Square has shifted last week and shifted for the better although I don't know what it means right now.

I just read this book by Anne Tyler called "Breathing Lessons" and boy was it boring. I was waiting for it to get better and it never did. How disappointing. I hate getting rid of books but this one is definitely going to be donated to charity.

Good news on the job front. I got called back for another interview with the woman who is the boss of the three people who interviewed me on Friday. Whether I get this job or not, I'm just happy that I had a good interview with another group to counter the horrible interview I had two weeks ago with a different group at the same company. The people I interviewed last Friday even said the company is so big that working in a different group is like working in a totally different world.

It's nice to know that I can still interview well. At the last company I interviewed with back in August and September, I interviewed four times and even got to talk to the head guy back in Connecticut. It was that last interview that killed my job prospects I think. I wasn't on my game. I had just gotten back from my weekend with M-Square, which I wasn't planning on. I thought I would have the interview before Labor Day, but there was a mix-up. Oh well. I was iffy on that job anyway, which I told the HR person and they insisted on putting my resume through anyway. That healthcare company is a huge national player! They are publicly traded and their stock price is huge! But they were going through a major reorg at the time I was interviewing, and you could tell that group and position was very much in flux. They wanted and sounded like they needed a sales person and not an analyst. I can so sales because I've had to but it's not my strength.

I want a job that plays to my strengths and not my weaknesses and I want to work for a company that's doing really well. And most importantly of all, I want to work for nice people.

The thing I've realized about my current job is I'm not trusted here. My immediate boss trusts me, but her boss doesn't. And it's not like I can't do my job, it's just a personality thing. The woman and I just don't get along; I don't trust and like her and she doesn't trust and like me. And from past experience, my performance and my enjoyment at any job has suffered when I'm not liked.

I don't even see it as personal. It's just a personality conflict that can't be helped and which neither of us can change. You can't make yourself like someone or trust someone. This job has always been a iffy fit and I knew that going in. All the signs were there, but I needed a job so I took it. And for the most part it wasn't bad, but the part that was bad just got worse.

What's worse is how much I realized yesterday how my work self-esteem really suffered at this job without me even realizing it. When you're trusted and like at a job, you feel confident in your abilities to get things done. When it's the opposite sitation, you start to doubt yourelf, your work and your ability. I started to believe I was incompetant, and I know I'm not. I've had jobs with way more responsibilities than what I have now, way more accountabilities than what I have now, and yet in this job I felt so stupid.

I think the problem is I let myself believe I was stupid because I wasn't trusted. Talk about playing to expectations. I think it's bad karma if you do that do someone, but that's just my feeling. At least I figured it out in time to realize it and to get out.

And I will get out, one way or another, I will move to greener pastures. The creator of the Dilbert cartoon was quoted as saying once "creme always rises to the top if creme is willing to the bottle." I think this is so true. You might not be a superstar in one company but you might be in another. This has certainly happened to me in my job life.