Just to prove I'm not a total Dead head. I also downloaded "Last Resort" by Papa Roach, "Almost Blue" by Elvis Costello, "Hash Pipe" by Weezer, :Wild is the Wind" by Nina Simone, "You and Me" by Lighthouse, "Toxicity" by Disturbed, and "Numb" and "Aerials" by System of a Down.

i-Tunes is dangerous. I was bored on Sunday and bought seven, count them now, seven versions of "Scarlett Begonias, by the Grateful Dead. God only knows why I need seven different versions of the same song because although I like the Dead, I am so not a Dead Head but this is one of my favourite Dead songs.

Still, I didn't downloand a whole concert just so I could get an 11 minute version of my other favourite Dead song "Fire on the Mountain". I have such good memories of being at a Dead concert with a couple of friends the year before Jerry Garcia died. We were at at the Fillmore Stree Fair in Pacific Heights first and then drove to Mountain View to the Shoreline Amphitheatre smoking hippie lettuce the whole way.

We had really, really great seats because I got in line at 6 am to buy the tickets. We were fifteen rows up from the stage. I was with two friends, one was a recruiter for Silicon Valley firms and the other person was a shrink. We just sat, smoke tons more hippie lettuce and just danced.

The whole front section was practically empty and then "Fire on the Mountain" came on just was I was seriously stoned and peaking. It's such a great song to dance to when you're that high and flying.

I know I'm going to have break down and buy a whole concert one day just for that song so I can relive my Dead concert memories.

Yes, I am very serious about leaving the SF Bay Area to be with my man. God, I never thought I'd ever say that, but "love" or whatever I'm feeling right now for this guy is slowly changing me. I did decide a couple of years ago that I'd be willing to give up living in the City and County of San Francisco if I met a guy who didn't live in the City, but I didn't think I would ever be willing to move out of this area.

At least it's the Los Angeles area, and it's a city and I'd just be living in the suburbs of Los Angeles. That's not so bad considering I could have met a guy who lived outside of California. That would have been hard if I had to leave California and move to a state without a large metropolitan city.

M-Square is just really, really great. He's cute, he's way smarter than me, he gets me and we get along very, very well. Plus, he's just so spiritual. It's a combo that is hard to give up just because I don't want to leave San Francisco. In a perfect world I suppose, I would have preferred to meet someone who lived here but it didn't turn out that way. I like to think that the universe has a good reason for me to leave the SF Bay Area, and M-Square is my readily available ticket out of here.

And for whatever reason, it kind of does feel like it's time to leave this place. I'm not sure why, but I do get the feeling I need to live somewhere else. But you know, who knows. M-Square and I are just beginning our relationship and who knows what the future will bring, but I'm just happy that I'm not so stuck in my ways that I wouldn't contemplate making changes to be with a guy.

And love is definitely changing me weekly, daily, hourly. There are ideas I had about love that are just being shaken to its core with this guy. Like maybe it's okay sometimes to compromise when you're in love, and if you're really in love, compromise isn't such a bad thing and doesn't even feel compromise. Compromising feels more like being flexible and adjustable, and doing whatever it takes to make the relationship work and for both people to be happy and peaceful.

I mean, I've had thoughts about this guy that I've never had or if I did I don't remember having them. Like I want M-Square to be the person I look at and I want to hear his voice the moment before I die. How weird is that. He's the person I want to have around me as I leave this earth. And the thought of leaving him even in death just freaks me out and make me cry. I seriously do not want to lose this guy ever, and I guess right now I'm willing to do certain things to make sure that we're together for a long, long time.

I joined Weight Watchers at work because I can't control my eating and I've gained about 15-20 pounds since last year. With the new job and the bad breakup with red-haired guy, the pounds just started coming back.

I can only barely fit into my size 8 Tommy Hilfigger jeans, and this really freaks me out. My size 8 Ralph Laurens I can't even wear. At least I didn't gain all the weight I lost, but still. I've thrown out most of my smaller clothes, so I have no choice but lose weight again. It's amazing what five extra pounds can do the fit of your clothes. My clothes could handle a 10-15 pound weight gain, but not a 15-20 pound gain.

Today was the first day I really starting counting my points, and I'm amazed at how hungry I am. My body really got used to surviving on more calories. I've been working out, but I just couldn't get back into the rhythm of counting my calories. Oh well, sometimes you just have to try something different.

The WW group at work is on Mondays from 12 noon to 1 pm. The people are really nice, and there are a couple of people there I know from projects I've worked on. I like the leader of the group. She's a nice woman who has a passionate love affaire with potato chips, who has kept her weight off for 20 years.

Most of the WW group at work are seriously overweight women. I saw one woman who really doesn't look like she has a weight problem, but then again my therapist doesn't think I have a weight problem either. I did feel kind of weird walking into the group with my totally tight size 10 very short silk miniskirt, when most of the women there look like they're size 18 and up. It made me wonder what they thought of me.

The WW group at work reminds me of that fat farm/spa I went to in Utah. Most of the women there were really huge, and they just stared me and the other women there who were smaller. There were other women who were thinner than me and we were all in the same exercise group, so at least I wasn't the thinnest person there.

I just want my clothes to fit and look attractive for M-Square. I can't believe I'm having a quasi-boyfriend relationship at this weight. At least with the red-haired guy I felt attractive and thinner and my clothes pretty much fit. Now I'm with some guy whom I really, really like and I'm a blimpie. How ironic is that?

M-Square is great though and hasn't mentioned the extra weight. I told him I needed to lose some weight, and he said with us the physical stuff doesn't and shouldn't matter. But I think it does. The extra weight just does not make feel attractive. If he wasn't so positive about physical looks not being important, I don't think I could have been intimate with him.

But he's from Southern California where he's exposed to that whole Hollywood thin look, and I just don't want to feel and look like a whale when I'm with him. I know looks don't matter but it's affecting my self-esteem and will be impacting my pocket book if I have to buy bigger clothes, so I've got to take the weight off.

But boy am I not in the mood to eat less nor am I happy about having to watch what I eat agan. The leader of the WW group at work is right. I'm always going to have to be vigilant about my weight, and not use food to medicate my stress levels.