I'm exhausted. I flew down to LA this morning, checked out three museums and now I'm back home bone tired. It still trips me out to think that I spent the afternoon in one city which is on the other end of the state and now I'm back home.

LA was nice and warm, and very summery. For a brief second, I thought to myself wouldn't it be nice to live some place where it always warm.

So red-headed marina frat boy called me at work today, and I made him talk to me for a long time even though he said wasn't a phone guy because I was bored at work. He did have one of his funny little exec lines though.

He said he was in his room and he had just taken a 40 minute bubble bath and had thought of me the whole time. And now he was on the phone with me buck naked lying in his big king size bed drinking red wine. He's such a trip isn't he? He's so very, very amusing.

He said he wanted to be friends with me, but that he would keep doing his exec guy thing and try to get me horizontal. And I'm like whatever. "I'm just having a little, a very little buyer's remorse." I said. Then he kept saying he loved me, and I was special and the real thing, the real deal, and on and on. And how this was just the beginning of our book, the first chapter, the opening line, and how the book has yet to be written, and we don't know how it's going to end, and we should take a chance and enjoy life and other silly sentimental drivel like that.

And then I asked him how his week went and he said he was really busy, but very productive. Then I said, "And so you did think about me every day this week?" And he said yes. And then I said, "Okay so you thought about me every day this week, but you didn't call me?". Mean huh?

But red-haired marina frat guy is a cool customer, and he just laughed and said, "After that D minus rating you gave on our date, what did you expect?" He's just so funny.

And then I asked him where my shoes were, and he said that "I know I'm such a flake." Then he said something about how the shoes would cost me, and I said "you got way more than should have gotten on that first date seeing as how you kissed me and all, and copped a good enough feel in the car to determine I didn't have a fake rack." He said he thought I had a plastique rack, but he wasn't sure and he wanted to make sure, but yes he owed me a dozen pair of shoes for those kinds of liberties and I was such a good kisser to boot.

I don't know. This guy just makes me laugh so much; I just never know what's going pop out of his mouth and it's usually something very, very funny. Plus I guess I'm just a silly sentimental stupid little girl because when he said "God,I love you!" with a huge sigh before we hung up, I got a little thrill. And even though I know it's huge fat honking lie and an old tired and overused line, it seems to work for me ... at least for now.

I know when I'm going to have a bad day when I start out the morning hearing the crows cawing outside of my bathroom window, and when the freakazoid at Starfbombs can't get a simple grande mocha no whip cream right and has to ask me three times what I want, and I hear a chorus of groans from the oh so cranky very long line of people in back of me.

So I had lunch with my boss today and she asked me about the guy I met on the plane from LAX to Oakland. In the course of talking to her, I started to feel a "little buyer's remorse" about tossing red-headed frat marina boy out of my life. I hate buyer's remorse, talk about wussyitis extremis! And I'm still pretty darn sure I made the right decision, but whatever.

Anyway, I'm not sure why I did this but I sent an email to the guy and here's what he said.

**************************
-----Original Message-----
From: Red-headed frat marina boy
Sent: Thursday, July 29, 2004 1:39 PM
To: Brenda Elgirl
Subject: Re: Buyer's Remorse

Let's get together on Friday night in LA or get together as soon
as I get back in town in August?
Love ya,
Red-headed frat marina boy

-----Original Message-----
From: Brenda Elgirl
Date: Thu, 29 Jul 2004 13:12:00
To:Red-headed frat marina boy
Subject: Buyer's Remorse

Hi Red-headed frat marina shoe boy,

I'm having a little buyer's remorse about what happened ... besides ...
where are my shoes???

Hope your week is going well.

--Brenda
**************************

I showed this email to my boss and she was like "what does the 'love ya' salutation mean?" I told her I didn't know, and then I asked her what she thought and she said she didn't know eitehir, but that it was a little familiar for someone I only met last week.

I'm sure it's like one of his used car salesman lines ... like don't you think he signs "love ya" to all the random girls he meets?

What's funny is he wants me fly to LA tomorrow to have dinner with him because he's staying there for a conference this weekend. Like I don't think so. Like if this guy was really serious, don't you think he should have at least offered to pay for my way down there? I mean, not that I would have gone, but he could have at least offered to pay my way. I guess he thinks if I really want it, I'd figure out a way to get it. Some women I know would have flown down to LA for a dinner with a guy they barely knew. I've never done anything like that before ever because, and frankly there hasn't been a guy I've met that's worth that kind of effort.

Of course, he could be thinking the same of me. Like oh my god, I can't believe she emailed me, what am I going to do, I thought the whole thing was over on Friday and now, what if she's weird and starts stalking me, and honestly, she really isn't worth that kind of effort or that outlay of cash. But I wanna come off like a nice guy, so I'll put "love ya" at end of my email because women always like that kind of stuff, and hopefully the whole thing will blow over by August and she won't ever communicate with me again.

So I skipped the democratic convention last night to work out. I kind of regret missing Theresa Heinz Kerry's speech, but then when they showed Howard Dean on the TV at the gym I was glad I was working out. Boy that man scares me! I don't know what I would have done if he was anywhere on the ticket or heaven forbid the democratic presidential nominee. I probably just wouldn't have voted for president, which would have been a first for me since I was 18 years old.

I went to gym again tonight but listened to John Edwards' speech on the radio. Man is Edwards a cutie! He is the cutest vice presidential candidate I've ever seen. He kind of looks like my first love which is such a trip. M was born in Virginia and had a bit of a southern twangy thing going in his voice despite spending most of list life in Bethesday Maryland. Edwards and M have the same face, same hairdo and same boyish smile.

I think John Edwards will one day be a great presidential candidate. Now is not his time, but he's definitely be a contender one day. You got to love his populist speech about how there are two Americas. Paul Krugman from the NY Times has been harping on the "two americas" theme for quite some time as well. Krugman said that what people have to figure out is which America you're a part of, because most middle class americans get it wrong.

I'll go home tomorrow to watch John Kerry speak, and watch the wrap up of the democratic convention. I don't know. I would like to think that the race will close, but I just don't know. My favorite stock picker, who has the best stock picking record in the country, also does quite well at predicting presidential races. Stock picker guy thinks that Bush will win by a landslide. Stock picker guy also picked Shrub to win the presidential republican nomination back in 1995-96, before the Shrubmeister was on anybody's radar. But then stock picker guy's mother is good friend with the Bush's and gets a Chrristmas cards from Laura Bush, so he's kind of got an inside track on stuff.

So I heard this great song on the radio today called "I will breath fire" by this band called Strata. If you like Evanescence, you'll like this band. Strata is from the same label, Wind-up Records.

Strata just released their album yesterday, so the music is like oh so current. On the Strata site, look for the music link to listen to samples of their tunes.

Wow, vintage Bill Clinton 'Slick Willie' speech tonight at the democratic convention. The man is so talented at it's just amazing. One of the political talking heads said later that 'Clinton can take arcane points of foreign policy and talk about them conversationally in a way ordinary americans can understand.'

The boy definitely has a gift, and it makes me wish he was still the President only because he could speak so well. Another pundit said he was watching Bill Clinton reading the teleprompted and adlibing as well. Nobody does it better than 'Slick Willie' at energizing a democratic crowd. I'm sure the republicans were just rolling their eyes and throwing things at their television, but nobody, and I mean nobody does it better than Bill Clinton and his political speechmaking.

So the story keeps writing itself in my head this morning, and this part goes before the part below.

******************
I think I got played. Which is such a trip and a back handed compliment. Like the time my old boyfriend John screamed at me in the middle of a fight, “You are such a Barbie doll!” And I was like wow! He compared to me Barbie. What does that mean?

Does that mean my figure represented Barbie’s impossible idea? Or that I was cute like Barbie and that I was doll-like? Or did he mean I was just some plastic pint-sized idiot without a brain my head? See what I mean when I say it’s a back handed compliment.

Being played is like that. After a certain age in a woman’s life, you don’t really expect to get played anymore by a player. I mean, there’s the matter of the few extra pounds, the constantly harried expression from being frazzled at work all the time, there’s the defensive layers that have been built up over the years from too many dead end relationships and broken marriages, and then there’s gravity transforming what figure you had into some unrecognizable lumpy round shape.

So when a guy plays you, it’s a back handed Barbie compliment. Like did he play me because I’m attractive? Did he play me because despite all my physical and mental grumpiness I’m still attractive? Or did I just get displayed because I looked desperate, like no one’s played me in years, and well what do you when you’re bored a on a plane ride from LAX to Oakland with a woman reading an Anne Rice novel?
******************

I think this part should go at the beginning of my story anyway, you know setting it up as like this really weird and strange experience, and then maybe it was a dream kind of thing.

So I decided that line I wrote, "From LAX to Oakland" would be a good title for a story, and I keep getting hearing this story in my head which is kind of based on last week's love adventure. This is the start of it, and note how I'm so current because I have a Ricky Williams the Miami Dolphins football player reference in it.

********
Maybe he was a dream, the kind of dream that happens right before you wake up, the kind of dream you remember for years afterwards with haunting images that flicker in and out of your mind like bulb about to burn out. It’s annoying but you’re too lazy to get up and change it so you wait till it burns itself out. Except this is the kind of bulb that never burns out.

It’s the romanticism of it all. Men are so seductive that way, because they’re total romantics and some of them have this innate ability to suffuse all of their love affaires with the thick veil of fairy tale love.

'I’m going to be your new best friend', he said as I glanced up from my book and peered at the red-haired stranger at the end of the seat row. I smiled thinking now that’s an interesting line, he must be in sales, well, at least he’s kind of cute.

'Save my place will you?' he said with a smile as he dropped a crumpled USA today on the seat and took off for the end of the plane. I went back to reading. Maybe I won’t like him after all.

I mean why would a cute guy like that be available if there wasn’t something wrong with him, if he wasn’t carrying a load of emotional so heavy he’d make Ricky Williams the football player seem normal.
**************

I am hooked on that new USA channel show, "The 4400". Someone is my neighborhood spraypainted into the sidewalk the phrase, "The 4400 are coming." So I know I'm not the only fan of the show out there.

It will be interesting to watch the democratic convention this week. I love David Gergen who is commentating on CNN. Gergen is one of the most insightful political commentators out there. But CNN, why Mo Rocha? That man is such a freak. He makes me not want to watch CNN's coverage. But I do love David Gergen, so I'll just have to channel surf when Rocha comes on. Mo Rocha is no Jon Stewart.

So like what is it lately with me and marina boys? All these years I've lived in San Francisco and I've never ever met a marina boy I wanted to date. And now my last two crushes were Marina boys. Cute screenwriting guy lived in the marina, and I had an awful crush on him.

And now as red-headed boy and I are driving throught the Marina on the way to lunch yesterday, he tells me that he used live in the marina and chase girls and hang out in the "triangle". And I'm like "oh my".

But I so miss my red-headed marina frat boy already. He was such a fun, fun crush. He kept telling me not to count him out just yet, and that he would get his act together. And my intuition tells me that he's still in the game, but I don't know. We'll see.

I'm praying and if it's meant to be, it will happen and if it's not, then I'm definitely going to look for his more available twin. I had so much hanging with my red-headed marina frat boy yesterday, despite the fact that he was kind of really breaking my heart. He was so much fun, and he kept making me laugh, and I could be myself and say the things that I say without him getting all freaked out.

And what's interesting is that he's got this interesting habit of telling me everything that he's thinking. So like I don't have to guess, analyze or try to figure him out because he plays with all his card face up on the table. It's such an interesting habit because I don't have an excuse to be bored by him anymore. It was kind of fun to hear all his thoughts and his feelings so willingly thrown at my feet like that. It was all so fascinating and interesting, like kind of looking inside of his head and seeing what's there. I've never had a guy act that way with me before and I really, really like it. I don't think I would ever get bored with someone like him, although it's probably too early to tell that yet.

But someone who plays with all his cards on the table always has a trump card up his sleeve, and that needs figuring it out. What is red-headed marina frat boy's trump card? If he decides to stay in my life, I'll have to work on knowing what his trump card is. I told him we could be friends, but I warned him that I don't really want to get an email a year from now that says "I can't just have a friendship with you without wanting something more." I've been there, done that and I got really, really hurt by it. And I'd like to avoid that experience happening again.

I am so bummed. I want to to say my heart is broken but I only met him Wednesday night and honestly that's really not long enough to have a broken heart I think.

What I liked most about what happened is I got this guy to really come out of his relationship issue shell and ask me out. That took guts on his part, and I give him credit for that. I also liked that he told me right away and didn't let the relationship drag on and then dump on me all his problems.

And he did give me hope that there is some guy out there for me who totally think I'm the next best thing to sliced bread. I made my joke about how a guy should look at a women he finds attractive like a starving man looks at food, and he said he was doing that with me and he was. I like that I could be honest with him, and mean, and I was really mean when he told his situation, but that we could laugh about it all later.

And I never thought I'd meet a man who was as close to perfect as perfect can get for me, and so it gives me hope that what I want isn't that far fetched and hopefully there's another more available one of him out there for me one day who will chat me on a plane ride one day and make me want to fall in love again.

Well, we had lunch and we talked and I'm bummed because although he seemed dreamy as all heck, he has several, several issues about getting involved. I'm glad he laid them all out on the first date of sorts, because he could have just lied about them all. I had a feeling he had serious relationship issues, so I kind of made him do his confession thing right away.

Wow, I'm bummed, very bummed and I told him so and he apologized for bumming me out but he is the way he is and he's not willing to change right now. But we did have a nice very long lunch and we did part friends, and I didn't shut the door completely shut in his case but I warned him that I play for keeps and if he's not willing to do the same then well, friendship is all he'll have.

I told him, "I'm giving you a very long rope, now don't hang yourself too quickly because in my experience if you give a guy a lot of rope, eventually he'll hang himself. So I don't have to shut the door completely in your face and be mean, because you'll do that yourself one day soon."

God, can I say again I'm bummed, bummed, bummed, but not really surprised. He was really too good to be true I suppose, but it was fun as heck to get caught up in the silly romanticism of it all. He's defintely a romantic, way more romantic than me, and maybe I'll end up his "one that got away." Who knows.

Again, I am bummed, so bummed because he was so, so cute and very, very sweet, and that's not a combo I find very often.

I hate playing games with guys and I've never understood "the rules" about how you're supposed to behave with men you've just met and want to date. Besides, I'm a half hippie chick who loved those four years in college when a guy could just walk up to you at a party and say "let's have sex", and you'd either say yes or no. How simple is that? No flirting, no delay, no stupid games, just plain and simple and so practical because it's get that sex stuff out of the way so you can concentrate on more important things like getting to know each other's mnds

Anyway, at around noon I emailed the red headed shoe guy with an email that went something like this:

***************
Subject:Fools and Snobby Girls (this is a reference to a comment he made about not wanting to make a fool out of himself with snobby girls)

Just so you don't think I'm a "snobby girl", I wanted to thank you for making my trip from LAX to Oakland a fun experience. (I think it's a good idea to always reference when and where you met the guy because chances are the guy has probably alrady forgotten who the hell I am. (Okay this is where I was being a naughty naughty elf girl and trying to flirt in an email at the same time). It isn't every day that I meet a total stranger who fulfills one of my secret fantasies by uttering an innocuous phrase, and then making it onto one of my top ten lists. (I'm sure he totally won't get what I wrote here, but he'll appreciate the "secret fantasy" phrase because it makes most men's mind go straight to the gutter)

Take care, Elf Girl

p.s. There was an accident on the Bay Bridge last night and I was seriously regretting the offer of a ride home as I was arguing about voting and Ralph Nader with my shuttle driver.
****************

Cute huh? Maybe a little to clever for him, who knows? So he emails me back and asks me if I wanted to do a late lunch tomorrow, which he said we would do on the plane, and leaves his cell phone number.

So I called him and I know it's bad, but when I heard his voice on the phone I kind of didn't recognize it; people sound so different on the phone. So we have a lunch date tomorrow and I'm nervous. Red-headed guy said something very odd too. He asked me I had sent me an email back and I said no, because I had left a message on his phone. Like why would I have to send him an email if I left him a voicemail message? I'm sure this is a subtle way of training me or something, like don't just leave me voicemail, send me an email too to remind me. I'm sorry but I'm very cynical and I've had several men try to subtely and sometimes not so subtlely try to train me to behave in ways that they liked. And what's worse, they'v copped to it too and told me that they were trying to train me.

So I did the girlie thing and came home and tried on a dozen outfits before deciding on two possible outfits that I might wear tomorrow. Damn! I hate that I'm 15 pound heavier than I was last year. I have such bad, bad timing, gaining weight like this and meeting a really sweet, sweet cute guy out of the blue. I'm trying to tell myself it doesn't matter because we sat on the plane together and my fat belly was I'm sure hanging out over my pants, and like I'm sure he noticed my very large love handle. One the other hand I've had guys tells me that they never notice a women's weight, but I was dating these guys at the time so I don't think they were telling me the truth.

And I always say the wrong thing with guys but I had to tell him I had concerns about his monster SUV and I had to think about what it meant that he owned and drove one. He asked me what I decided, and I told him that it was okay because he told me grew up on a huge 400 or 800 acre ranch so it was like in his background, his childhood to drive cars like an SUV. I told him that everyone has quirks or habit that are because of their background, their nationality, etc. And that well sometimes you have to accept the fact a guy really is the way he is and it's ingrained and it's probably never going to change, so you either have to accept the quirks or habits early on or get out of the relationship. I told him it's like dating a republican guy. I know he has bad politics, but it's okay because he's a republican and that's the way he is, always will be and I can't change it, and as long as his politics don't freak me out too much then I'm okay with the republican thing.

So I'm nervous and I keep wondering if this guy has a usual two-week shelf life and that I'll get seriously bored with him in two weeks. He'll go rotten like milk past its due date and I'll have to boot him out of my life. And I feel bad that I think such things and I know it's not about the guy, it's about me and my shallow level of boredom with most people but guys especially because they're too easy for me to figure out.

And I'm nervous because with my people karma, if God doesn't think he belongs in my life, he won't be in my life for very long and something will happen to take him away. And I really kind of like him because he's so affectionate, sweet and cute. Not sure if he's smart but at least he hasn't proven himself to be not as smart as me. Talk about another relationship killer. I can't be with a guy that I think isn't smarter than me. I've tried it and it just doesn't work. I have to respect the guy intellectually or I get very disturbed. And there are so few guys that I've met that I know are smarter than me.

So I'm like sad because I feel like I have to treasure every moment with this guy because I don't know how long he's going to be around. And I kind of understand now why some of my boyfriends have looked at me like a starving guy looks at food. If you think there isn't a future with someone then you have to stare at them and memorize every line of their face because that face won't be in your life for very long. At least romantically that's why I think men have looked at me like a starving man looks at food. Well, that and the other sexual reason too but I like the romantic reason better.

I'm such a sucker for lines like this but red-headed guy said that he thought all morning about kissing me, and I'm such a bad flirt and I answered back the thought had crossed my mind as well several times. He was so cute though because then he asked me if I was going to kiss him tomorrow and of course I said sure.

So I flew down to LA today just for a meeting and flew back. I went down to help and to transport the meeting materials. It was fun in its own way and I didn't have to work work. Not sure if the meeting went really well because we ran out of time, but my boss says we'll find out tomorrow if the senior vp doesn't send an email thanking us.

But I think it might have all worth it because I met a really cute guy on the plane back. He had red hair, which is a big plus because I have a thing for redheads because of Steve so I like him because he reminds me of Steve. He was sweet and friendly like Steve too, but he's a business traveller so it's probably second nature to him to chat up girls on planes.

But being a business traveller he didn't want to be known as someone who can chat anyone up and get them to buy things, so his line to me was "I'm a workaholic and women don't want to date me because I'm too shy." And I'm talking to him and looking at him, like yeah right. And I'm thinking to myself you're an exec, you're a frickin' director for god's sake, you're not shy, you're cute, you're smart, and women don't want to date you. So of course that this guy's line he uses with women to get them to feel sorry for him. Every guy has a line or two that he uses that he thinks will get a woman to give him her phone number.

And I told him that the shy exec guy bit was his line, but obviously it must work because I ended up giving him my business card. Red headed guy just laughed. And no his name wasn't Chris, but he had other good signs.

We ended up discussing politics, and I'm excited because even though he's a registered democrat his politics didn't disturb me. Most guy's politics always freak me out. Republicans I can take because well they're republicans and they're all that way, but democrats and other liberal left types always freak me out. Talk about a relationship killer. I'm always meeting cute guys at parties that I can't date because their politics freak me out. Red headed guy is a moderate like me, and he's not a full of rage and anger democrat either. He didn't even blink an eye when I told him I wasn't even going to watch Michael Moore's movie. But he was just meeting me for the first time so maybe he was smart and didn't want to say anything just yet.

I liked him. I had fun talking to him and he was very charming, very frat boyish. I love a charming frat boy guy who can hold a conversation and make me laugh. He even offered to drive me home, and even though every part of me was screaming to say yes, I was a good girl and said no. But then I said if I was 20 years younger I would of course have said yes, like whatever. He liked that. I also told him he was too much of a temptation and I just had to say no. I hoped he liked that.

He was very tempting, because back in the day I would have let him take me home and then had my way with him. And I know he would have been fun too, in fact I know we would have had a blast. But it's not back in the day, so I took the shuttle home.

But there was another good sign. The gate for our plane failed to open so the captain announced that we had to back up and take the plane to another door. I told red headed guy I've never been on a plane and had his happen before, and red headed guy agreed and then said "God must want us not end our relationship yet." And oh my god, I just about died in my seat. Talk about fantasy come true. I've always wanted a guy to say to me the first time we meet, "it must be destiny that I met you or God wants us to be together." No guy has ever said that to me until now.

I mean I hardly know the guy and already he made one of my secret fantasies come true. I am like so in crush! And he was so touchy and affectionate too, but not in a weird way. He tried to give me a massage on the plane, and I let him because I never turn down a free massage. He grabbed some of my hair and said he liked me hair. Then he kept putting his hand on my knee, kept stroking my arm, and he kind of tried to hold my hand. It was so cute, and I wasn't freaked out. Usually I hate when I guy gets too touchy like that. Like get your hands off the merchandise you freak! But it was different with this guy. His touch wasn't creepy but very sweet and affectionate. He reminded me of this guy I dated who was so affectionate. I mean that guy was totally worthless as a boyfriend except for the fact that I loved how affectionate he was with me. Red headed guy's touchiness reminded me of that guy's affectionate nature.

And like I'm such a plane slut because I let the guy kiss me on the cheek when we parted. On the way out of the airport he kept trying to hold my hand, and he kept saying he didn't want to say goodbye to me, which was so sweet and so cute. So when he bent his head next to mine to kiss my cheek, I let him but didn't kiss him back. And I thought I would be kind of grossed out to let a total stranger kiss my cheek but it was sweet.

I just remembered something else. The guy smelled really good. Not sure if he was wearing cologne or something but he smelled clean and good. Talk about a turn on. I hate dirty smelly stinky skanky boys! He looked clean and he smelled clean. I'm not sure about the clothes, they were too nondescript but at least he didn't look like a slob. Talk about another relationship killer. Sloppy dressing is just such a huge, huge turnoff.

But it's not like he's Mr. Perfect because he had to tell me drives one of those monster SUVs, and part of me just shrivelled up at that little factoid but I'm willing to concede that maybe it's a guy guy thing to drive an environmentally unfriendly and politically incorrect car. Because red headed guy is not a femme boy but a guy guy, not oozing with way too much maleness and definitely oozing enough where he's not coming across like some wimpie cali girlie man. I hate this type of guy!

He's not a city dweller either. He lives in the East Bay. But he says he's a city boy and always go rollerblading in Golden Gate Park, and he just lives in East Bay because he likes the sunshine.

So we exchanged business cards, and he said he would take me out to lunch on Friday. And I'm like okay, let's see if he calls or emails me. I'm like so ready to email him and tell him I'm in so crush with you. I mean I tried to kind of tell him that on the plane. I told him our whole conversation reminded of this scene in the movie "Practical Magic". He of course had never seen the movie. There's this one scene in the movie where the Sandra Bullock character tells the cop she loves that he's everything she told herself she wanted when she was a little girl, that she made a spell about this impossible man so she wouldn't ever have to experience the hurt of falling in love, and now here was this guy, the cop, who had all the qualities she put in her spell.

So for like the briefest of moments, I thought I had dreamed up red headed guy, that he was everything I told myself I wanted in a guy, especially when he made the God comment. But only for the briefest of moments, because like who knows. Even my best friend whom I totally loved from Dallas told me he knew my attention span with men was two weeks, two weeks before I looked a guy in the eyes and figured out that he totally bored me to death. Dallas guy felt happy that it took longer for me to get bored with him, even though I did get bored with him eventually but not for the resons I get bored with most guys.

So I am in such a crush and it's fun and exciting for now.

When I set my sights on Silicon Valley in 1997 and left my comfortable 5-year job in San Francisco for the world of start-ups, little did I know how such a move would impact my life. I spent about 6 years working in the suburbs outside of San Francisco, although I had a brief 16-month stint in the middle of those sixe years working in China Basin, which was in 2000 the heart of the dotcom explosion in San Francisco.

Working outside the city changed me politically. I learned to take the middle road, and grew wary of extremism on both ends of the political spectrum. Outside the extreme left-wing politics of San Francisco, another world exists where political extremism has no place. People in suburbs aren't as politicized. They're working and trying to raise their families, and don't really have the time to indulge in the self indulgent political masturbation that city folks go through. And if you do have time for it, the extremism of the left and the right make no sense to a family just barely struggling to pay bills and survive.

There's also a negativity, a uncontrollable rage that exists on both extremes of the political spectrum. You can't raise a family and have that kind of extreme anger and rage, and not have it affect your family. The extreme anger and rage is so intense, I keep hearing Obewon Kanobi telling Luke "anger leads to the dark side of the force."

I don't understand that kind of rage, that kind of anger. It doesn't make sense to me to operate out of that kind emotion, because if you did, you wouldn't be able to make rational decisions. Politics like business is not about emotion. It's about making rational decisions for the good of the community, the corporation. If you're too full of emotion, you're not balanced and you make bad decisions.

Besides when you hate something that much, I think you're basically projecting. That what you actually hate is the shadow side of your personality that you see in the other person. This hatred of the shadow was responsible for holocaust, slavery, and any kind of bad thing that happened to any group.

I don't believe in that kind of hating. To hate like that would mean you have to make the other person less than human, and it's the root of Nazism, this is why Hitler was popular. How you can think of anyone as less than human, as an animal, because once you do that, the next step is slavery of people isn't it? These people are not human after all, so they can enslaved, they can chained, they can beaten and whipped, gassed, killed and burnt till the ground beneath the human ovens rises two inches because of all the human ash.

I will not take the walk towards anger and to the dark side of the force.

My post is incoherent I know. I just hate all this negativity and anger and rage. It's dangerous and it's scary.

Another link for the 9/11 conspiracy crowd, Inside Job - Unmasking the 9/11 Conspiracies by Jim Marrs.

I've heard this man in interviews; he's very, very interesting.

"There is also the fact that NORAD-Northeast was conducting war game exercises that morning, a fact that has been very little talked about and certainly not reported to the general public. What's also not been reported, according to the information that I have, at least one of the scenarios they were considering in their war game exercises concerned hijacked aircraft being crashed into buildings. Now, this could explain the lack of response when the air traffic controllers began to report that four planes were off course..."
- Jim Marrs, Author, Inside Job

For the 9/11 conspiracists, here's what The NY Post had to say about Alex Jones:

NOTHING NEW

MICHAEL Moore's anti-Bush film "Fahrenheit 9/11" isn't even original. Two years ago, "9/11: The Road to Tyranny," a real documentary by Alex Jones, had most of the "facts" Moore uses in his scatter-shot diatribe. Jones, who is less interested in making money than the self-aggrandizing Moore, released his film for free on his Web site www.infowars.com, where it drew legions of new fans, including producer Curt Johnson, who is hiring Jones as a consultant on a political action thriller titled "Wake Up.", NY Post on Alex Jones.

I've heard this guy speak over the years, and he's great! This is his website, Alex Jones. He's been harping on the 9/11 Bush Conspiracy for two years, long before Mr. Moore. Here's a link to his 9/11 conspiracy page, 911: THE ROAD TO TYRANNY. There's a link on the right where you can watch 40 minutes of his 9/11 Bush conspiracy film.

I think I've been depressed for primarily two reasons:

1) This month is the one-year anniversary of my grandma' death. I forgot about it and just remembered it today. It's not the kind of thing I ever wanted to have an anniversary for, but it's there. I smelled grandma smells in my living room today too. Usually if she's visiting me, my kitchen smells like her but today she was in the living room. How spooky is that!

2) I haven't been sleeping well lately. I fell asleep in an odd position a couple of weeks ago, and my upper back has been hurting. I tried switching pillows, but that didn't help. At my monthly acupuncture appointment on Saturday, I told my chinese doctor and he asked me if I snored and I said yes, it's an inherited bad trait. He said snoring meant that I never get enough sleep every night, so he did a treatment for snoring. I had needles in my throat, so scary! Aferwards he told me that my chi was stuck around my heart area, or my heart chakra, he did a massage on it and then gave massage on my upper back.

When I woke up this morning, I felt like a had my first good night of sleep in weeks, and my upper back stopped hurting. But then I decided I needed to sleep more, so I stayed in bed all day and listened to old shows of this radio program I subscribe to via streamlink.

Then I was thinking that the reason my upper back was hurting was because my chi was stuck in my heart chakra, which meant the chi couldn't escape out of my wing chakras on the back. I had my wing chakras (charkas 11 & 12) opened up at a seminar a couple of years ago. Most people have it but you have it have it opened by someone who knows how. Whatever. I'm just the doctor released me chi, although when I massage my heart center, it stil hurts and he said I needed to keep massaging that spot so the chi keeps flowing.

But as much I have physical problems, other people have it worse. While I was writing out my check at the acupuncture clinic, a woman came in and said her husband had so much back pain that he couldn't get out of bed. She asked the acupuncture doctor if he could see her husband. I could tell she had just walked right off the street and into the clinic because my doctor didn't even know her name, and neither did his wife. They were nice though, and gave the woman's husband a 3 pm appointment. Poor guy! He was in so much pain, he couldn't get out of bed. That's bad. My acupuncture guy is very good though and I almost felt like telling the woman that she picked a good clinic, but I didn't want to embarrass my doctor.

I guess I haven't been very chatty lately. I've been very down. Heck I started tearing up during Spiderman 2. I don't usually let myself get depressed, but it's been hard to avoid this week. I hate when I'm not cheerful and sunny and optimistic.

Hopefully this funk of mine will pass soon. I can't even really pin down a specific thing that's wrong, other than it feels like my whole life is just one big mistake. I'm defintely stressed out and when I'm stressed out I eat and eat and don't stop. And I crave chocolate when I'm stressed and nothing else will do.

I was so stressed out I had to buy a pack of ciggieliciouses and smoked them. I only do that when I'm extremely stressed. Thank god I smoked the whole pack, because the whole thing was making me seriously ill. Then I went to work on Thursday completely hung over. I haven't done that in years. How embarrassing! I'm sure my cubemates were just freaking out at it. I was seriously hurling in the bathroom, because lately when I drink too much (which isn't very often) I throw up my food. My tummy gets so jittery that I can't hold any food down.

I am way too old to be having hangovers. I have to keep to the 2-3 drink minimum. I'm still recovering from the whole thing, and my stress level is still high and I still feel wigged out, creeped out and way too jumpy.

I saw Spiderman 2 this evening.  It was a really good movie, much better than I expected.  Alfred Molina was so good in his role, but I keep picturing as the uptight husband in "Enchanted April" and the uptight government official in "Chocolat".
 
I was so relating to Peter Parker's dilemma of wanting to lead a normal life.  I've been feeling like that for a few weeks, wishing I was more like other people.  I think it's the curse of being an enneagram type 4 - the artist, with a 5 wing - the intellectual.
 
I'm creative, but I'm also very left brained and analytical.  It's a strange combo, and not very common from what I can tell.  I always feel that no matter what I do, I live in two worlds.  I'm not thing or another, but both.  It's an odd way to be, and I end up feeling isolated and lonely much of the time. 
 
Plus, it doesn't help that I'm not happy in my job.  The work is good and the people are nice, but I had a nasty experience and I don't know how to get over it.  The head of my group got really mad at me for something, when all I was trying to do prevent her from making an fool out of herself.  She yelled at my boss, who then gave me the third degree the next morning.  I don't mind that the head of the group yelled at my boss, which made my boss yell at me, but she didn't apologize.
 
She's the first manager I've had that hasn't apologized even when she found out she was wrong.  But then most of my bosses have been men, and I think I just don't know how to deal with women in positions of power.  My only experience of women in power was on the school, and it feels like I'm back in highschool and the "Heathers are in charge".
 
Whatever.  I'm never going to be able to stop being who I am, and stop doing what comes naturally.  Peter Parker figured that out in the movie and dealt with it.  I guess I just need to do the same.

Didn't I say this would happen? They haven't even decided if these marriage are legal, and look what's already happening; 'Married' homosexuals already seek divorce.

Here's a line from the article I really like;

"As a political development, this is not a helpful thing," Thom Lynch, executive director of the San Francisco Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender Community Center, said, according to the Mercury News. "But why should we be held to a higher standard than straight couples?"

I can see the lawyers starting to drool with desire.

This is an interesting take on the media by a science fiction writer, Orson Scott Card, who everyone tells me writes really fantastic sci-fi novels;

High Bias,"Mainstream" reporters aren't just liberal--they're fanatical.

I can't wait to see what his sci-fi stories are like. He adores Octavia E. Butler like I do, so he can't be all that bad.

I need to update my reading lists on the side. I'm currently reading "Jane Eyre" by Charlotte Bronte. I love this book, and I so feel like Jane. I'll have to write a review when I've completed the book.

After all the stories of Ray Bradbury accusing Michael Moore of stealing the title of his book "Fahrenheit 451", I bought Bradbury's and read it.

Bradbury was a visionary, totally visionary! What he wrote about in that book has already started to happen, and Bradbury knows it. There would be no "Fahrenheit 9/11" without the seeds of F-451 sprouting in the last 20 years.

And what the mainstream media will never tell you is that it's the left wing who is responsible for the events that Bradbury wrote caused the events in F-451 to happen. They're the cause of F-451, which means they're really the cause of F-9/11. Read the book and you'll know what I mean. No wonder Bradbury was upset, well apart from the fact that Moore stole the title of his book.

Beware of "political correctness"! It lead to the circumstances Bradbury wrote about in "Fahrenheit 451".

I was supposed to work out this afternoon, but on the way to the gym I stopped to get a latte and then decided to go and sit at Justin Herman Plaza to sit in the sun and enjoy my coffee. This was a mistake.

That 70's band Kansas was playing, and I think I was in the middel of some kind of Harley Rider biker club convention because there were a ton of people walking around with leather chaps and Harley Riders owners jacket.

So instead of heading to the gym, I stayed and watched Kansas play for an hour. I don't even know most of this music, and the sound was pretty bad for a free concert. But I was rewarded for my hour when Kansas played their radio hits, the ones they always play on the old fart rock and roll radio.

And yes, it was worth missing my workout to hear a live version of "Dust in the Wind" and "Carry on my warward son." I love free concerts at Justin Herman Plaza. I saw the band "Radiohead" for free there when there just starting out that way, and look how far they've come.

By the way, Radiohead was great in concert, with a darn good skinny little red haired singer and a great guitarist. Who knew they'd be so popular? When I saw them they did their big hit at the time "Creep".

It was so funny to see the biker people rocking out to Kansas. I had to call my friend K, my rockstar drummer friend, because he said he toured with Kansas 20 years ago in Europe. K just laughed and said Kansas was so old, they have to play at Conocti Harbor, which is some club in Northern California where all the old rock and roll bands go to play and die. And then K had to launch into one his doggie rockstar tales of groupie shagging. Whatever!

I am dying to check out Conocti Harbor, but none of my friends want go. It's such a bummer! I want to see aging rockstars still going at it. Those guys can still play, who cares if they look like beer bellied old decrepit grandfatherly types.

It was a short work week so it passed very quickly. I received my first Netflix cds on Friday. That was quick wasn't it?

On Thursday I went to "The Good Body" by Eve Ensler, who wrote "The Vagina Monologues". It was an hour and a half one woman show on her "fat stomach". Ensler was very entertaining, and her ability to do different characters and voices was amazing.

She has a bit about fat women in India at the gym. The word hindi word for fat is 'Jaadi'. I love this word. I am a "jaadi chickie!". And yes by the way, if you're too thin and have no hips you'll never be able to wear a sari right. The sari's six yards of fabric needs a butt to sit on to hang right. Ensler does a darn good woman from India accent. She also does a great puerto rican woman accent as well.

I'm not a big fan of Ensler. I saw "The Vagina Monologues" and while very good, I thought there were parts of it that would prevent me from recommending the play to anyone. I felt the same way about "The Good Body". Parts of it are very funny, and Ensler's ability to play different characters is nothing short of brilliant, but you walk away thinking "did I learn anything or was it just a bit of entertainment?"

So I joined Netflix and ended up putting 55 movies in my rental queue. I've got all the Zatoichi the Blind Samurai movies lined up, although there are seven more movies in the series. Then I picked a bunch from my film history class that I wanted to see.

I was looking for this french spy movie called "The Tall Blonde Man with One Black Shoe", but they didn't have it. It's a very, very funny movie. They didn't have any early Bernardo Bertolucci films either. I'm going to have to do some digging to find that one Bertolucci early Bertolucci film that I still remember. I have no idea what the name of it is, and I shall probably have the watch all of Bertolucci's earlier films to figure it out.

I'd also love to see "Ran" by Akira Kurosawa again. It's been years since I've seen that movie. Then I put silly movies in there like "Tank Girl", which I've always wanted to see but never did. And of course, all the of the Keanu Reeves movies that I haven't watched on on my list.

I saw the french movie "Diva' in the french film section. A friend from college said there's a character in that movie that reminds him of me.

I can't believe how many foreign movies I've seen. During college I don't think I ever watched a movie that wasn't subtitled, and when I left college it was weird to watch movies where everyone spoke english.

I never checked to see if Netflix had this movie that I watched on TV as a child, "What's so bad about feeling good?" It's a very thought provoking movie and the story line is something I still remember.

I remember watching "Of Human Bondage" with my grandma as a child. She loved that movie, and I was too young to really undertand the story. It might be interesting to watch that movie as an adult, or at least read the book.

I've gained weight. Not all of the weight I lost last year, but a good 15 pounds of it. My skirts are tight and my shirts are snug. The jeans that used to be huge on me, not fit again. It's so depressing.

Last week I decided I needed to start exercising again, so I went to the gym three times and ran. I ran for two miles during my first visit to the gym, and then did two miles on the eliptical machine. Then the next time I went to the gym I decided to just walk two miles and do another two miles on the eliptical machine, because my knees were starting to hurt. Then during my third visit I ran again for two miles, and then did two miles on the eliptical machine.

On Saturday afternoon, I started getting the sniffles. I was thinking I had worn my body out and I was paying for it by coming down with a cold. I vitamined myself out Saturday night, and woke up on Sunday feeling better and able to go the baseball game without having to take cold medicine. On Monday, I stayed at home and lounged around in my jammies and watched TV all day.

I woke up this morning feeling like I never had a cold. So I went back to the gym and ran two miles and then did another two miles on the eliptical trainer. I'm like clocking four miles a day, which is a lot for me.

My weight hasn't changed, but on Friday I wore my Tommy Hilfiger size 8 jeans and they were loose. My size 8 Ralph Laurens are still snug, but not uncomfortably so. Maybe the running is taking the weight off my hips and legs at least. Now if I can just unstress myself and stop the chocolate binge eating I've been going through.

I only crave chocolate when I'm stressed out, and I have no idea what I'm so stressed out about. Chocolate calories go straight to my waist. Maybe I have that cortisol problem that they keep talking about on infomercial tv.

I have problems digesting food so I'm going to try some herbal formulas to improve my digestion. Supposedly I have a hard time absorbing nutrients from my food, so no matter how much I eat my body thinks I'm starving it to death. I have to test whether this diagnosis is true, because something has to explain my chocolate binging.

Chocolate is like a drug to me. No matter how much I eat of it, I can never get enough. I jsut love the taste of it, and if I had my way, I wish I could it constantly and not gain weight or have bad skin because of it.

Yes, I'm very happy that John Kerry picked John Edwards to run. I really liked the guy, but I feel so sorry for Dick Gephardt. I think he would have made a great VP, and he's been in public service for so long. Can you imagine how Dick Gephardt must feel, to have been passed over for the VP spot by some guy who is so young and hasn't even been a senator for that long?

I can so relate, because I'm reminded of the time this guy I really liked decided my just out of high school roommate was infinitely more pleasing to him than I was. The chick was cute but so ditzy. The whole thing riled me a little and I felt so passed over and old. So Dick Gephardt I so feel for you guy!

So the really cute guy at work that I had a major crush on called me today and asked when we were going to work on our project together. This is the second time he's mentioned it.

Back in May, I saw him in the elevator and he said he was going on vacation in June and that he wouldn't be able to work on the project. I told him it was fine because the project was delayed.

Now I get a call from him today and I want to tell my boss that I really want to work on the project with the cutie from the 21st floor, but of course I can't say that. I'll mention it, and my boss will say the same thing; that the project is delayed till later in the fall.

I am so bummed. Maybe this guy likes me? Why would he mention to me twice in three months that he wants to work on the project? I mean, who the hell wants extra work? And he's not even in my department. If he likes me why doesn't he just say so and like ask me out for coffee or something. He is just such a hottie!

I did kind of forget about the guy for awhile, only because I saw a cuter guy in the US Airways line in Charlotte. And then for whatever stupid dumb dumb reason, I'm fantasizing about screenwriting marina hottie boy again. God only knows why because he was so immature and spacey, and dated like three girls at one time and no way would I ever want to be one of Chris' angels or the harem. I still have visions of him and that blonde bimbo with the plastique rack, the cow udder woman. I could never date a guy who had that kind of bad taste in women, that's like so rude!

Why can't I meet a cute guy at church? We could go to church together and not have to deal with the different religion thing, and I'd feel good because he'd be a JC guy. Such a simple thing thing to do one would think, but not for me, never for me.

I woke up on the Fourth of July out of the weirdest dream. I was with some guy, I think he was a boyfriend or a husband, some guy, whose face I couldn't see. We were going to a baseball park, and it was Fenway Park. Fenway Park? I don't even know where Fenway Park is and had to ask a friend of mine. I thought it was in Chicago, but my friend corrected me and said Fenway Park was in Boston, and that Chicago's baseball park is called Wrigley Field. And I'm like whatever. The point is I'm dreaming about going to a baseball park that I know nothing about.

So in the dream, we get to the park and I find out that I left the tickets back in San Francisco. The scene fades and I'm back in my apartment and staring at the tickets to Fenway Park that are stuck to the fridge, because that's where I stick all my tickets. And then I wake up.

What a weird dream! But maybe not so weird as it turns out. I had tickets to go with a friend of mine to SBC Park to see the Giants play the A's. She'd never been to new baseball park, so I thought it might be fun for us to go. Plus, it was around her birthday so it was like part of her birthday present.

I tell my friend the dream and she says that SBC park was modelled after Fenway Park. And then she tells me that she has some kind of karma with baseball parks. She grew up in the Bronx near Yankee Stadium, so her whole childhood was spent dealing with the effects of people going to the game. And now currently her office is two blocks from SBC park, so now she has to deal with the effects of people going to baseball games and having it affect her commute home.

And the game we went to was a good game. The Giants lost, and that wasn't fun but so many weird things happened. Mark Mulder beaned Barry Bonds. How often do you seen Barry Bonds getting beaned by a pitcher? Then Mulder beaned another guy. Then the Giants brought in a new pitcher who beaned Mulder while he was up at bat, and who was then thrown out by the umpire. Then another pitcher and the manager got ejected from the game. So much drama.

My friend was hoping to see a Giants player hit a home run, and JT Snow who was pinch hitting, made her wish come true. Barry Bonds was walked by Mulder and earned the title of having the most walks in baseball.

Not a bad game for someone's first game at SBC park. Then we decided to go home because the fog was rolling in, and we were predicting that the fireworks were going to be all fogged out and sure enough they were. The fog spoils almost all the July 4th fireworks displays in San Francisco. I watched the sadly fogged out fireworks spectacle on TV. I would have been really bummed to have stood there in the freezing foggy cold to see what I saw on TV.

So I finally joined the rest of the world and bought a new tv, dvd and new vcr. I don't have an s video input, and probably should have bought a tv with it, but oh well. Now I can join Netflix, watch DVDs instead of videos, and feel like a normal person.

Actually I'm just happy the TV I bought fits on my TV stand. I probably could have one up in size, and had the tv be a little too big for the stand I have, but as it is it all fits.

What do with the old tv though? Right now it's in my bedroom, which is something I didn't want to do but it will probably stay there until I take it to a charity drop off.

Having new toys, while quite expensive, is fun!

Here's an interesting little video on Michael Moore that I found at fbombcompany.com; FINDING FAHRENHEIT 9/11: SEE THE 3-MINUTE DOCUMENTARY THAT MICHAEL MOORE DOES NOT WANT YOU TO SEE,