I decided that I hate my job. I probably would have tried to leave last year if it wasn’t for that whole business with the red-haired guy. The people are nice, but the organization itself sucks since it’s so disorganized. I can see them heading into some rocky, rocky times this year now that the CEO is sending out emails about how we need to cut expenses.

I didn’t like my other job either, but I was so lucky to have a job when everyone else I knew was unemployed, that I managed to file away from discontent for four years. I have to figure out a way to file away my dissatisfaction with this new job like I did with my previous job. I know this is a good job for me financially, and my boss is great although sometimes just plain irritating. But the company is very dysfunctional and their disorganization is just too much for me to handle sometimes. I know my boss feels the same way because she told me last week that she didn’t know what we were doing.

My intuition is telling me to at least hold one through the summer because the company will going through some rough times, and that the rough times will initiate several changes culturally within the company. Until then, I’m going to have to figure out a way to feel content with my job. My discontent is at a zenith today, and I know this is a bad sign for me. I know it’s affecting my attitude at work and that’s not good.

I'm hoping this is just post too long holiday job satisfaction stuff, but I have a feeling it's not. I think this stuff has been building for a long time, and fortunately or unfortuntately, my roller coaster personal life has distracted me from facing how much I'm really not happy at work. Part of me wants to initiate another personal crisis just so I can stay at my job, but that would only delay things and not really solve them.

Sometimes I hate long weekends. Coming back to work today is such a big old drag. I don't want to be here, my boss is so irritating me, and I'm dreaming of getting out in any I can. Where's my sugardaddy? Like I'd never ever thought I'd ever want one, but you know I can see why some women would want one now.

I was sitting on my bed this afternoon between 2-3pm, and I felt a sharp jolt hit the building and then my bed. I kind of thought it was an earthquake, but wasn't sure because it was so short. I decided to check the USGS site, and sure enough there were two minor earthquakes around that time at the San Francisco Zoo.

Wow, what a trip. I felt something hard hit the building but I knew it had to be some minor earthquake because when I looked outside I didn't see anything. This is the second quake I've felt in two weeks. I hope this isn't a sign of things to come.

Just because I'm purchasing song like mad on iTunes doesn't mean I've stopped buying CDs. My latest CD purchases were:

The Crow Soundtrack - think I might have to get the DVD as well and put this movie in my top 10 list

October by U2 - the first U2 album I bought back in the day when they were just a no-name band from Ireland. Gloria is still one of their best songs, and an early prototype of a typical U2 anthem song.

So for whatever reason, I am hooked on flash drives. I love the 128 mb flash drive I bought with my Dell laptop. I just put my stick and transfer files back and forth.

I just bought a 1 gig mini cruzer by SanDisk on EBay. Everyone wants one, and it took me bidding on four different ones to get one for a price I wanted to pay.

iTunes is so addictive. I'm deciding whether I need to buy "No Tears" or "She is Mine" by the Pscychedelic Furs. I used to really, really love these songs!

My latest iTune purchases.

As Long As You're Mine by Idina Menzel & Leo Norbert Butz Wicked (Original Broadway Cast Recording)
I'm Not That Girl by Idina Menzel Wicked (Original Broadway Cast Recording)
I Can't Make You Love Me by Bonnie Raitt
My Happy Ending by Avril Lavigne
If You Asked Me To by Céline Dion
Do You Know Where You're Going To? (Theme from "Mahogany") by Diana Ross
Black Hole Sun by Soundgarden
South Side by Moby & Gwen Stefani
Crazy for This Girl by Evan & Jaron
Endless Love (Soundtrack Version) by Diana Ross & Lionel Richie
Iris by The Goo Goo Dolls
True by Ryan Cabrera
Addicted by Enrique Iglesias
Beautiful by Christina Aguilera
I Knew I Loved You by Savage Garden
Lullaby by Shawn Mullins
Love Plus One by Haircut 100
Bittersweet Symphony by The Verve
All I Want by Toad the Wet Sprocket
Inside Out by Eve 6
Right Here Waiting by Richard Marx
Angelia by Richard Marx
Ku'u Lei Maile by Uluwehi Guerrero
The Way You Move by OutKast & Sleepy Brown
My Ever Changing Moods by The Style Council

I'm thinking about music tonight. On the way home from my greek drama final as I'm driving along the beach I hear all these songs connected to men I've loved.

Wish you were here by Pink Floyd - Paul
Hit me with your best shot by Pat Benatar - Michael
How deep is your love by the BeeGees - Reid
Wouldn't it be nice by The Beach Boys - John

Then before class I started thinking about my top 10 cd list again, this time adding:
Butterfly by Mariah Carey
My Favorite Things by John Coltrane
Wish by The Cure
Symphony and Metallica
Kind of Blue by Miles Davis
What's the story morning glory by Oasis
Dirty Mind by Prince
Celebrity Skin by Hole
The Four Seasons by Vivaldi
Requieum by Mozart
The Crow Soundtrack

And now this is my favorite new song: Breathe (2am) by Anna Nal

2 Am and she calls me cause I'm still awake
Can you help me unravel my latest mistake
I don't love him and winter just wasn't my season.
Yea we walk through the doors so accusing their eyes
Like they have any right at all to criticize
Hypocrites you're all here for the very same reason.

Cause you can't jump the track
We're like cars on a cable and life's like an hourglass glued to the table,
No one can find the rewind button girl
So just cradle your head in your hands.
And breathe, just breathe, whoa breathe just breathe

May he turned 21 on the base of Fort Bliss
Just today he sat down to the flask in his fist
Ain't been sober since maybe October of last year
Here in town you can tell he's been down for while
But my God it's so beautiful when the boy smiles
Wanna hold him but maybe I'll just sing about it

Cause you can't jump the track
We're like cars on a cable
And life's like an hourglass glued to the table,
No one can find the rewind button boys so cradle your head in your hands
And breathe, just breathe, whoa breath just breathe

There's a light at the end of this tunnel you shout cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out
And these mistakes you've made
You'll just make them again if you'll only try turnin' around

2Am and I'm still awake writing this song
If i get it all down on paper it's no lonmger inside of me threaten' the life it belongs to.
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary screamin' out aloud
And I know that you'll use them however you want to.

But you can't jump the track
We're like cars on a cable
And life's like an hourglass glued to the table,
No one can find the rewind button now
Sing it if you understand...yeah breathe
Just breathe, ohho breathe.

I think my pc needs some serious upgrading. Last night I turned on my computer on to work on my greek drama paper, and the fonts were all messed up. I called a friend of mine who use to be a Help Deck techie at a company we both worked at, and she suggested after having tried many things that I copy the fonts in my font directory on my laptop to my pc. This solved the problem.

Somehow the fonts in my font directory were wiped out because when we looked in there, they were all gone. What a scary, scary thing to happen, but thankfully we fixed it. I just thank god I have my laptop as a backup. I don’t why it took so long for me to buy one, because I use it quite a bit and I love watching TV and writing on my laptop. I can watch TV and write at the same time, which is only difficult if I get involved watching a program. I like to have the television on for background noise when I write, and when I get bored I can always look up and start watching whatever is on.

I definitely have to upgrade the chip memory on my pc, because it’s a 256-chip and it’s very, very slow. After that I need to put all my important files on a cd, so I can upgrade to Windows XP professional. I finally have my upgrade copy. Last night’s computer scare reminded me that I have gotten very lax in backing up my pc. I should really just buy one of those giant memory sticks that have a gig of memory and back it up to there once a week. All I really care about are my Microsoft Office files like words, excel, ppts, etc, my pdfs, my mail files, and my palm pilot files. Everything else can be reinstalled.

But if I do upgrade from Windows 2000, I think I need to clear out all the garbage out of my pc. I have mail messages in Outlook from 1998 that I’m still keeping. I think I should also keep all my important docs in a few directories, just so it’s easier to back up. This kind of stuff is such a chore, but very necessary if I want to upgrade my pc. I guess this will be my Memorial Day project this weekend.

I rented the movie "I Robot" and I think I might have to get the DVD. Not that the movie is that good, but the comnentary by director Alex Proyas and Akiva Goldsman is so fantastic. They actually tell you what when went into the writing of the movie, and as a lesson in how to write a screenplay it's very informative.

I think it's the best commentary I've ever heard on a movie. Usually they are so boring, but this one is very, very good. Akiva Goldsman wrote "A Beautiful Mind" and I think was also brought in to write "The Da Vinci Code". I have a book where he's quoted and he said he attended Robert McKee screenwriting seminar and after that, sold his first screenplay. Funny huh? Just like the guy in the movie "Adaptation".

The weekend of June 11 has three seminars that I badly want to take. I'm already paid for a seminar called "Creating the love relationship" that you want, which has an 85% success rate. I met a woman who met her husband shortly after she took the seminar and she said he was 95% of what she wrote up she wanted in the seminar.

Robert McKee is also doing his three day "Story" seminar that weekend here in San Francisco, a location that he rarely uses. Then there's a seminar on that new energy psychology technique I discovered called "EFT". If you''re not into energy psychology, it's like the latest and greatest new thing. I took a 3-hour seminar on EFT in April, but couldn't stay for the whole thing.

So I'm like love, screenwriting or emotional freedom ... hmmmmmm. I'm already registered for the love seminar and they've already cashed my check. But Robert McKee, I mean when is he ever going to be in San Francisco. And EFT, who doesn't want emotional freedom.

But ... I guess love wins out every time. 85% success rate ... that's an amazing stat for a seminar on how to find your perfect love. And 95%. I don't think I've gotten more than 50% of what I've wanted in a relationship. I know you can't have 100%, but I didn't think you get 95%. I thought it was more like 50% and up to 75% if you were really, really lucky. But 95% .... that's like a frickin' miracle!

I finally finished my paper and it ended up being 8.5 pages. I'll read it tomorrow on the way to work and edit it, and make any changes tomorrow night. It's not the best paper, but at least it's over with.

It's a beautiful and warm sunny weekend in San Francisco, and I'm stuck inside finishing my greek drama paper and studying for my greek drama final on Tuesday. My screenwriting teacher on Wednesday asked me if I was still taking classes, and when I said yes she said, "That's why you can't find time to write."

I think Julie is right. I probably won't take a class next fall, and I'm definitely not taking a class this summer. I don't mind taking one day or evening seminars, but not a full month three month commitment. I told Julie I wanted to take a film class and she said to take the two-day film school class they offer at Learning Annex. She said it was just as good.

I really do want the experience of making my own film just to check it out, and a two day commitment is definitely better than a semester commitment of two days a week.

Just to relieve the boredom of studying, I typed of three pages of my "Changing Timelines" novel. That's 800 words, not bad I guess. I was changing my story while writing it then decided to go back to the way it was originally written, since I was going to have to cut a whole page out. I hate when you change one action and then find out after ten minutes that you've eliminated a whole scene with the one change. I hate that! I'll change the scene in the second rewrite.

God I hate studying! I do. It's so boring. I could be out and about gallivanting around and enjoying the day. Actually I'm feeling bette than I thought I would be this weekend, considering I had two filling replaced on Saturday morning. Everytime I have dental work, my mouth hurts for days but this new dentist I'm seeing is gentle with his injections.

I had a silver filling replaced with a composite, and I'm having an onlay put it on my other filling. My other dentist only every did crowns, but this new dentists can do onlays. If I have enough money left in my flex spending, I might have him later on in the year replace more my mercury fillings with composites.

It looks a nice day out and I may go out later to walk in the park, but there's more studying to do and I still have to finish my paper. I'm feeling very sorry for myself right now.

On Wednesday, I volunteered to sit on a screenwriting pitch panel at The Academy of Art College. My screenwriting teacher teaches a couple of classes there and she asks her ex-students every semester to help her out. When you sit on pitch panel, you learn a lot about how to actually deliver a pitch so it’s good training.

The guy who sat on my pitch panel with me actually got his screenplay optioned on a pitch panel. He went to some pitch panel in Hollywood, pitched his movie about a dozen times, and got a call from a couple of young producers. The young producers works for the guy who just produced Jet Li’s newest film “Unleashed”.

So my pitch panel buddy has optioned his screenplay, but said the Hollywood lawyers’ fees ate up most of it. He wanted to have a professional contract in case his script is ever made into a movie. And now he’s do rewrites for free with the young producers and he said the process is going really, really well.

Interesting huh? My pitch panel buddy said this is his sixth screenplay, and when he told me his idea I was even impressed. His screenplay is very topical and is a thriller having to do with GPS technology. It kind of reminded me of GPS technology “Panic Room” type movie, low budget but very, very exciting.

I was really happy for him, and I was like wow, someone I know actually got his screenplay bought by Hollywood. Okay, maybe not for very much money since options I hear start as low as $35,000, but still he got paid for his work. Pitch panel buddy guy didn’t want to say how much he got, but he said it wasn’t much. But if his script get made into a movie, he said his Hollywood lawyer got him a really, really good deal. He better have gotten a good deal since he said the lawyer spent 1.5 months with the producers trying to hammer out a contract.

And then I started to get depressed. Okay, maybe I got depressed because afterwards we went to the W hotel for drinks and sat on the couches in the lobby and I watched couples grope each other as they we were waiting for the lift and I was like “I want to be groped in the lobby of a nice hotel by some guy waiting for the lift and a night of some majorly serious shagging”. Okay, maybe not any guy and for god’s sake not the old wrinkly 60 year old dude who looked like he was wearing a dark brown shag rug on his heard and who was feeling up the 20 something girl, but some cute guy who was very smart an very sweet.

But no, I think I got depressed thinking I’ll never be a writer who makes a living as a writer. I mean, what are the chances of that ever happening. Sure I can get paid, but not enough to quit my job and have as my next career – creative writer. And I’m like maybe my writing is just a hobby that I have and then I don’t have to stress about ever finishing anything. I can just start projects and never finish and not worry. But that’s an even more depressing thought isn’t it?

I’m getting too involved in work again, and I hate it. Work just sucks out my creative energy, and when I get home I’m too wired and exhausted to do anything.

Somehow I got back on meeting schedule hell, where I’m in meetings constantly. I managed to get myself taken off all the meeting lists by not saying anything in meetings last year, but now I’m suddenly back on everyone’s lists. I hate it!

On Tuesday, I came into the office by 7:30 am so I could be prepared for a conference call from 8-9 am. Then I was supposed to be in another meeting from 9:30-10 am, but thankfully it got cancelled. But then at 10 am, I was pulled into a four-hour meeting from 10am-2pm, and afterwards I was pulled into yet another meeting to debrief about the four-hour meeting from 3-4 pm.

Since I came in early, I decided to leave at 4:15 pm because I was so mentally exhausted by the end of the day. But my day still hadn’t ended since I had a class from 7-10 pm that night. By the time I finally got home at 10:30 pm, I was so wired and out of sorts that I made myself go to bed. Not that going to bed early helped, because I was tossing and turning and had weird dreams all night.

I hate meetings! My company’s dysfunctional nature comes out in full force in large meetings, and especially in meeting debriefs. I hate when people say “that’s not our problem”, because I’m like, yes it is, we’re all in this together; if you let that department sink and slack off then we’ll never get this project off the ground. I actually told someone yesterday because I was so frustrated “how are we supposed to make it easier for the consumer to do business with us if we there’s no easy way to get business done internally”. The person looked at me like I was completely nuts, but I’m a big believe in “as above so below”. If your business processes internally aren’t easy, you’re never going to be able to make it easy for your external customers to do business with your company. It just ain’t every going to happen.

But I won’t get myself get worked up in my company’s dysfunctionality and politics. I’ve done that before, and it’s just too tiring to fight battles in the corporate world. It’s much easier to just go with the flow and do what you’re told to do without questions, because every time I’ve done that I’ve been promoted. Not that I want to get promoted or anything like that, although more money is always nice, but I just want to make my work life peaceful again so I can have the energy to have a creative life when I get home.

I must be processing a ton at night in my dreams because I'm having the weirdest, weirdest dreams.

On Monday I dreamt I was with a woman I used to know and we were in parking structure and trying to escape with two other women. We had sub-automatic machine guns were carrying belts of ammo. The woman I used to know who appeared in my dream is someone I used to admire very greatly. She was a doctor and dedicated runner, and the nicest person. I lost touch with her years ago so it was weird for her to appear in a dream of mine. She was a tough cookie of a girl, but very fair minded.

Around 3 am last night before I woke up, I dreamt that my best friend from grade school had brought me a birthday cake was singing Happy Birthday to me. This is a girl who moved away in junior high and although we went to the same high school, she and I moved in separate crowds and didn't have much to do with each other. Why the woman was in my dream when I haven't thought about in years probably is a mystery. She said she had forgotten all my birtdays and wanted to make up for it. Weird, weird, weird!

Later this morning before my alarm went off, I dreamt I was at a Starfbombs in Paris and they had run out of milk for my grande latte. The american owner told me that the french don't put milk in their coffe so they weren't bothered that they were out of milk. I was upset and I started arguing with the woman, but I didn't lose my temper. And then later on in the dream I came back to apologize.

Then in another part of the dream, I was somewhere on the British railway system on a train with a bunch of people trying to get to London so we could make in time for the London showing of "Revenge of the Sith". We pulled into some station and I heard the announcer mention that it was a transfer point for all these stations including the Gatwick Airport. I couldn't remember where we were supposed to transfer to get to Heathrow, and when I turned my friend were gone.

I assumed they had gotten off the train, but when I exited the train I couldn't see them. In the dream I was panicking and thinking I'll miss the new Stars Wars movie, I won't make it to Heathrow and I'll be lost forever on the British Railway system.

I wouldn't consider the being lost dream a nightmare, but more like annoyances in my life that I absolutely hate; no lattes and not knowing where I'm going and getting lost.

This greek drama paper is going to harder to write than I thought. It's supposed to be due tomorrow, but my teacher said we could also turn it in next week when we have the final.

I mean, I know what I want to say but do I want to spend the next four hours trying to write it or do I write a littel bit every day and turn it in next week. Ideally, I'd like to turn my paper in tomorrow and then spend the rest of the week studying for the final but I just don't feel like I have the energy right now to write a good paper. I feel so lazy right now!

Maybe I posted this already, I can't remember but here's a short two page paper I wrote on a sermon by Bernard of Clairvaux (1090 – 1153) "Father of Western Mysticism" and a christian saint canon by Pope Alexander III in 1174.

Bernard of Clairvaux (1090 – 1153)
Sermon: On David and Goliath

Biblical Text

Then he took his staff in his hand, and chose five smooth stones from the wadi, and put them in his shepherd’s bag, in the pouch; his sling was in his hand, and he drew nearer to the Philistine. (NRSV, 1 Samuel 17:40)

What the biblical text says
The book of 1 Samuel is a historical narrative, which shows the changes taking place in the leadership of Israel from the Judges to the monarchy of Saul and David, and the establishment of the House of David dynasty.

I believe the text is straightforward, and tells us that David chose weapons that he was used to carrying as a shepherd to do battle with Goliath.

Stones were plentiful in the area, and small stones were used in a sling as a long-range weapon.

What Bernard of Clairvaux says
Clairvaux says “the law is spiritual and has been written for our learning, not only to delight us with a history of external events as with the contemplation of a beautiful exterior surface, but also and more particularly to nourish our minds with the sweetness of its mystical signification”.

Clairvaux uses an allegory and preaches on the mystical meaning of each element in the David and Goliath story.

Goliath is meant to symbolize sin, and Clairvaux says that Goliath is the sin of a type of pride. Since Goliath was the Philistine’s greatest warrior, Clairvaux makes the case that Goliath represent pride. For Clairvaux, pride is the greatest of sins, the people of God are very prone to pride, and pride shows up when all other sins have been defeated.

Clairvaux assumes that we are in always in constant battle and warfare against sin, and that like David we must defeat Goliath, the sin of pride.

Clairvaux then goes on to talk about what happened earlier in the story, when Saul offered David his armor and weapons. He likens Saul’s battle gear to worldly wisdom and the tradition of philosophers, and he says that these are useless weapons in our battle against sin.

Clairvaux states that we should reject worldly wisdom and the tradition of philosophers, just as David rejected Saul’s armor and rely solely God and be armed with our faith alone.

Clairvaux then goes on to say that the five smooth stones that David picks up represent the “fivefold word of God”:
1) the word of warning,
2) the word of promise,
3) the word of charity,
4) the word of example,
5) the word which relates to prayer.

He then says when we are attacked by the sin of pride, we should use the five stones or “fivefold word of God” to defeat sin, to defeat pride, in whatever order they come to us, and if one stone fails to keep using them until one of them works.

When we are confronted with pride we should think of 1) the word of warnings which are the threats from God; or 2) the word of promise which are God’s promise and covenant with us; or 3) the word of charity or God’s loving actions towards us; or 4) the word of example which means to reflect on the lives of the saints; and if all fails, 5) the word which relates to prayer, in other words, “apply thyself to prayer with all the fervour that canst command.”

Clairvaux concludes by saying that if we want to kill Goliath, the sin of pride with it own sword as did David, we need to create a “feeling of elation” in our minds and “a reason for greater humility”, so we can condemn ourselves as proud people and become afterwards more humble and less conceited. If we can do that, Goliath, the sin of pride will be defeated.

Was the Word faithfully preached?
As much as I like this sermon for its creative attempt to make the historical biblical text more meaningful, I do not believe that you can assign the kind of symbolism to the five stones that Clairvaux has done. There is nothing in the Bible to support such a claim, and while his advice is eminently practical on what to do when facing sin, Clairvaux’s allegory fails when you try to relate the word stone to “fivefold promise of God”.

If you wanted to really stretch it you could say, the word of warnings come from stone used as weapons, the word of promise comes from the Ten Commandments being printed on stone tablets, and the word of charity could be God providing stones for housing. For the words of example and prayer, it becomes increasingly difficult to take the stone symbolism and apply them to charity and prayer without sounding like you’re making it all up.

This is why I have to stop taking classes. Instead of working on finishing my novel, I have to spend tonight writintg an 8-10 page paper for my greek drama class.

I'm comparing Eugene O'Neill's trilogy play "Mourning Becomes Electra" to Aeschylus' Oresteia. I picked the paper topic so it's something I want to write about, but this kind of writing is sooo not creative writing!

So I've spent about an hour looking for a scene from my "Changing Timelines" novel that I thought I had typed out. I looked on my palm and on my computer and it was gone. I was so pissed thinking I had accidentally deleted it. But then I decided to check my pile of handwritten writing and it was there.

I thought I had typed that whole story and I guess sometime in January, I decided to for a few days to write some of it out. I was so happy because I hate when I delete stuff and I've done it before and been severely bummed out.

I managed to type 866 words on Thursday for chapter 12 of my Texas novel on Thursday at the Starfbombs across from The Curran Theatre. My goal was to type 500 words as I only had 45 minute, but I got to 866. And it's a good 866 too. It wasn't all painful coming, but very easy and fluid once I started typing.

I dragged my laptop to work and made the mistake of carrying it in my backpack. Big mistake. Stupid backpack wouldn't fit underneath my chair at the theatre, so I had sit all squished in my seat with my backpack between my legs.

My boss has this great Tumi bag that she carries her laptop in when she comes for the day from the LA. It's the perfect size because it's small and looks like it fits about anywhere. It costs about $300 when I went to price it at the Tumi store, but that's a minor detail I guess. I might have to buy it someday if I don't find a cheaper alternative to carrying my laptop around.

I watched Eugene O'Neill's play "A Moon for the Misbegotten" on Thursday night. It's such a great play, but towards the end when there was this intense speech where the character is pouring his guts out on stage, some guy starts snoring and cellphone of the man sitting next to me goes off. I wanted to laugh out out and add further to the hilarity of the moment. Talk about a play for the misbegotten.

I think someone nudged the snoring guy finally because after a couple of minutes he stopped. I can imagine what the actor must have thought if he had actually heard the person snoring in the midst of this intense speech.

We used to say in the growth and development seminars I usd to go to, that when a person falls asleep it's because they can't handle the information that they're listening to so their brain has to immediately shut off and the person goes to sleep. Guess the snoring person couldn't handle a drunken character telling another character why he thinks he's messed up.

It was hard to watch myself since I dated someone who was a bit like that and had to experience the same thing one night a long time ago. Some people drink for fun, some people drink to escape and there's a fine line between the two before you cross the top of the bell curve into addiction.

Actualy there's a scene from David Lynch's "The Straight Story" that shows a character telling another character why he drinks. It's the most honest depiction of casual alcoholism I've seen in a movie. It's straight talk and frightening in its honesty and humanity.

This is trippy! I just got a call from a recruiter who got my name and phone number out of a publication called National Managed Care Leadership Directory. I didn’t even know about the publication or that my name was even in it.

I've been using Microsoft Excel for years so one would think I could easily come up with this simple little IF formula -

=IF(ISTEXT(B10),"NA",IF(B10>AQ$9,"Abv CA Avg", IF B10=AQ$9,
"Eql CA Avg",IF B10 < AQ$9,"Blw CA Avg"))))

But ... the above formula took me over two hours to figure out and to get it to do what I wanted it to do. I hate when applications make me feel stupid.

Back to a more pleasant topic. I saw "Sahara" on Saturday. I knew it was a special effects movie and I wanted to see it on the big screen. I liked it. I think the movie took itself a little seriously, and if it didn't it would have made for a better movie. It was so darned politically correct, which of course made it a little boring.

I think the movie was supposed to be like another Indiana Jones, but Indiana Jones was not politically correct and it never took itself very seriously and that's what made the movie so fun and entertaining. And yes, Matthew M is cute but he's no Harrison Ford. Indy had a cruel streak, I mean come on, the guy had a whip for god's sake. Dirk Pitt is too much of doogooder type character, and yes that's attractive but it's an adventure story and you need an adventure type guy. Matthew M is too much of a goofy good ole boy, without a hint of meanness in him.

I think Matthew M's best role was in the movie "Contact". He was the wild-eyed hippie type philosopher who was Bill Clinton's religious advisor, and Jody Foster's fling from her C-seti days. But I think Matthew M is trying to change his Hollywood image and getting himself cast as Mr. Adventure, which he is so not. He wasn't very good as a swashbuckling dragon killer in the firebreathing dragon movie either.

Still the movie was fun and definitely worth the $7.25 I paid to see it. I wished I'd gone to see Nicholas Cage in "National Treasure". I think Nick Cage makes a better Mr. Adventure type, and he's definitely shown he's got a mean streak. He was great in that movie where he changed faces with John Travolta called "Face Off".

I'm on the last chapter of my Texas novel and I'm having the hardest time finishing it. I know how it's going to end because I wrote a four page outline of what the chapter is about, but it's feeling so anticlimactic to be writing this last chapter. I'm like, this is the first novel that I am finishing and it's like the freakiest feeling. I didn't think I would feel this way.

I thought I would feel elated and ecstatic to be writing the last chapter of my novel. Although it's not exactly the last chapter because I have two more chapters to write, but those last two chapters are epilogues. Chapter 12 is the final ending. Chapter 12 is the end of the story.

My intuition is telling me to take this week slow and to not push my writing. I want to finish the chapter this week, but I'm not going to rush it.

I think my problem is I'm going to have to end the relationship for my characters and it's sad. I'm not writing a happy ending, I'm writing a bittersweet ending. I wanted to write a fun love story with a sappy happy ending, and instead I'm writing a love story where the characters breakup.

I feel like I'm reliving the ending of the relationship I had with the person I based my male character on, and I don't want to go through the pain again. Silly isn't it? When I originally conceived of the story, I wanted to experience a fairytale happy ending with my male character. In real life the guy and I broke up, so I thought wouldn't it be fun to write a story with a similar male character except that we end up together.

But my ending didn't work out that way, my characters didn't want a happy ending. Yes I think they fell in love, but they were never meant to be just like me and that guy were never went to be. Just writing that line makes me feel like crying.

It's not like I didn't try my damndest to end my story happily, because I did. But my storyline couldn't justify a happy ending. I hate this! I write to experience things that I didn't experience in real life, and I end up writing a story that's closer to reality. This is supposed to be fiction and not my real life.

I know I'm being silly because these characters aren't me and they had situations happen to them that never happened to me. I just wish I could give them a better ending to their relationship than the one I had.

Sometimes my intuition kicks in and send me warnings about people that they're untrustworhty. I never know what to think when I get these feelings especially when I have no factual evidence to base my intuition on. But I think I need to start paying attention to those warnings.

There's this guy at work. I've never liked him, and I couldn't figure out why and I just had the feeling that he couldn't be trusted. The feelings I received were confusing because everyone else in the department really liked him.

Today my boss told me to watch out for him because he's the biggest gossip, and he's already tried to get several people in trouble. I told her I thought he was bad news when I first met him, but I didn't want to say anything. My boss said she got the same feeling too. My boss told me to watch what I say around him and to watch my back. She wouldn't elaborate on the people the guy has tried to mess up, but there's been quite a few.

What a freak! I know the guy thinks I'm snobby because I never talk to him but now I don't care. If I don't instinctively trust someone, I can't talk to them, I just can't, especially at work. I'm not rude or anything. I'm very civil, but I don't go out of my way to talk to an untrustworthy person at work. People of that ilk are just too dangerous, and who needs another person you have to be careful with in your work life; there are enough of those already.

So my intuition was right ... it usually is but it's kind of scary when it's confirmed the way my boss confirmed my intuition today.

I went to see "Kung Fu Hustle" tonight, and it was an "excellent, excellent" movie! I've got to kick a movie out of my top 10 list, so I can add Kung Fu Hustle. It's a fantastic spoof of the hong kong kung fu movie genre and steals from The Matrix, Gangs of New York, and as one review noticed Fred Astaire movies as well. There were some sequences that reminded me of my fave Bollywood movie "Lagaan" as well.

The movie is funny, fast paced, really really cute and sweet, and it has some of the best body parts hacked off nd flying all over the screen that I've seen in a long time. Gotta love a movie that has awesome violence in it! Plus of course, the kung fu is spectacular and puts the Matrix series to shame. And it doesn't take itself so seriously like "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon", a movie where the fighting special effects were just a little too over the top and laughable really.

The movie was written and directd by Stephen Chow, who also wrote and directed "Shaolin Soccer" a movie I wanted to see but never got around to. Now I definitely have to see it and everything else he's written and directed.

"Kung Fu Hustle" is so fun I think I'm going to have to buy the DVD.

On iTunes there are celebrity playlists, and I can buy the Cure's playlist of 21 songs for about $21. I love all of their song picks, but then I adore the band so that makes sense doesn't it?

So I've finally joined the modern world and downloaded iTunes on my laptop and bought the following songs:

Collide by Howie Day
Breakaway by Kelly Clarkson (I hate that it's her but I like this song a ton!)
Breathe (2AM) by Anna Nalick
She Will Be Loved by Maroon 5
Where's Your Head At by Basement Jaxx
If You're Not the One by Daniel Bedingfield
Headstrong by Trapt
Beautiful by Pharrell, Snoop Dogg and Uncle Charlie Wilson
Mesmerize by Ja Rule
In da club by 50 Cent
Down with the sickness by Disturbed
Slept so long by Jay Gordon
Los Angeles is Burning by Bad Religion

So I think I figured out perhaps a few reasons why I can't write at my pct at home.

Back in 2002 while I was desperately trying to finish my screenplay to enter into a contest and watching the SF Giants and the Angels world series, my pc died. It took about two weeks to get someone to build me a new computer. Because I didn't back anything up, I had the pc guy install my old hard drives into my new computer.

When my computer died, I lost about a day's work on my screenplay and I believe some of my enthusiasm for writing. That was back in October 2002. I somehow managed to keep writing because I did Nanowrimo that year and started my second novel.

Then in May 2003 I moved, and I worked at home which was shocking and weird and made me not want to write. But I did manage to write and start my third novel, which I'm still trying to finish. Then in March 2004 I started a new job, which was again shocking and disruptive but I did try to write, only I wrote on paper at cafes and into my palm pilot.

And now that I have my new laptop, I'm thinking that my two year old computer is so slow and needs a new chip and if I replace the 256 memory chip with a 512 memory chip maybe I'll want to sit down and write at my pc again. Plus if I upgrade from windows 2000 to windows xp professional and uprgrade my software from office 2000 to office 2004, my home pc will run much faster which will make me want to actually sit down and use it.

I could probably just keep writing using my laptop, but it would be nice to have my home pc as another option. Or I could just buy one of them new macintosh pc computers, and own a mac like I've always fantasized about.

So here's some economic speculations I've been paying attention to the various boards I read. Experts have been speculating for a couple months now what would happen to GM and Ford if their bond status was rated as "junk". Many were speculating that GM would file for bankruptcy because it's been bleeding debt for years, and was only making money through GMAC. If GM were to declare bankruptcy, they could separate GM and GMAC into two companies. GM could also in bankruptcy courts unload the unions and all the costs of their retirees, which would be great for their bottom line but bad news for GM retirees, employees and the dozens of companies who have invested stock on GM including many large retirement funds. Experts have also warned that GM stock is a bellweather of the American economy, so if GM filed for bankruptcy it would not be a good sign for the US economy.

Well, it just happened. S&P cut GM's and Ford's bond status to "junk". It will be interesting what GM's next move will be. I say "bankruptcy" and if GM does that, it will be bigger than the Enron bankruptcy and the markets will take one hell of a dive on that day.

The movie "Angel Eyes" was on TV over the weekend, and I ended up watching the end of it. For fun, I printed out the screenplay to read as well. I didn't watch the beginning of the movie, so I netflixed it and it should be arriving soon.

The screenplay version I found on the Net was a little different than the movie, and when the movie comes I'm going to compare the lines to see how different they both are. It's interesting to watch a movie and then read the screenplay. And when you do the reverse, reading the screenplay first and then watching the movie, it's interesting as well. It's kind of like reading a novel first and then seeing how they make the movie or watching a movie first and then going back to read the book.

John Grisham's "The Firm" was a much better novel than the movie. The movie of
"The Girl with a Pearl Earring" was quite a good adaptation of the novel, and I think the visuals of Vermeer's world added a different element to the telling of the story.

The problem for me with reading screenplays is most of the screenplays that I can find on the Net and print are not necessarily movies that I like. But I guess I should get over this dislike, and just read whatever I can get my hands on. Everyone working in Hollywood as a screenwriter says that reading screenplays is the best way to educate yourself about the trade, and that watching a movie is not the same. I just wish there were more screenplays from movies that I liked that are free to print on the Net.

I am loving my new laptop. It has freed my from the tyranny of writing at my desk at home. Now that I used to mind writing from my desk at home because I did start two novels (over 100 pages of typed pages each), wrote over 20 short stories and finished a screenplay all at my desk. But for whatever reason, I can't write at my desk at home. I don't know if it's because I'm in a different place now and I just don't have my desk in the right place to write, or if it's because I just got burnt out from writing at home.

I wrote my mid-term paper on my laptop sitting on my bed and then transferred it to my pc to print. So it's not like I can't write at home, because I can. I just can't write at my desk at home. This is not a good thing for a writer, but with the laptop maybe it doesn't matter.

I'm even thinking it's now time to sign up for i-Tunes so I can download songs into my laptop. But I'm still hesitating. I still like the listening to music in cafes, because sometimes I hear songs that I wouldn't normally listen to and end up liking or I hear sets of songs that I wouldn't think go together but end up being a great set. I'm constantly surprised by the fantastic sets of music playing on the radio sometimes ... everything flows and there's a theme and the beats are the same so when one song ends the other song starts and it's same on the same beat. I've tried to do it and it's very difficult to get it just right. But it would be nice to have tunes on my laptop, so when a song gets stuck in my head I can listen to it a hundred times and write.

I was a conference call this morning with people involved in healthcare quality this morning, when someone mentioned blogs. The person was suggesting that maybe the group should start a blog to find out what consumers think about healthcare quality. No one on the call knew anything about blogs, and I was tempted to volunteer my knowledge but declined.

Apparently there was an article in the Wall Street Journal today about blogs and healthcare and how patients are discussing their doctors, and the doctors are of course very unhappy about it. Here it is, Blogging from your sickbed,

This is the first time the subject of blogs have come up in one of my nationwide conference calls on healthcare quality. What a riot!

My favourite new song that I keep hearing on the radio ... Collide by Howie Day.

Went to the cafe tonight and wrote about 1300 words. Not a lot but better than nothng. The writing in the morning thing is hard, so I'm going to switch to working out in the morning at 5 am. I'll make myself get used to getting that early b exercising, and then maybe I'll start trying to write early in the morning again. I really like writing at night though, and am so much more comfortable doing it at that time and in a cafe than I am sitting in bed and trying to compose in the morning.

If I workout in the morning, I have the whole night to write and do other things that needs to get done. Ideally, I'd love to write and workout in the morning, but I don't see that happening in the forseeable future anytime soon.

For whatever reason I got sucked into watching "Project Greenlight" on Sunday afternoon. I have a friend who's a theatre producer who is an avid fan. It's definitely eye-opening to see what it takes to write, produce and direct a movie in Hollywood.

It just confirms my idea that at the end of day, all creative arts is a business enterprise especially if you want to have a ton of people see it. If you're only making art for you and your friends, then you only have to take their needs into consideration. But if you want the masses to see it, then it takes cash and a heck of a lot of collaboration. And the logistics of making a movie are mind-boggling, especially if you want to do special effects. No wonder movie tickets are so expensive ... it takes so many people, and specialist people too, to put a movie together. I think if you want to see how much a move costs to make, then count how many people the movie has to pay when they run the credits at the end. All those people in the credits need to be be paid by the profits from a movie.