I decided today that I never gave myself permission to not have a career other than a writing career, and until I give myself permission to not do well at the way I make money to pay my rent I will always hate my job. And I've hated my jobs since I decided I wanted to be an author of books and screenplays, but I never knew why.

I didn't hate the job I was between 2000 and 2004. Back then I was just happy to have a job because it was the dot-com bust, and everyone I practically knew was unemployed and looking for work. Now I have another job and every day I hate it and every day think about leaving still. It's not the job, it's me! Even if I were to get another job, I would still hate it because it wouldn't be the dream job of being an author that I long to have.

I have to do alot of inner work this week to have it be okay for me not be in a job that I'm never going to be fulfilled at, that I'll never get more than a Meets on a yearly review, and that I'll never be promoted. I don't want these types of career things anymore, I want different things. But I have to come to terms with my decision and give myself permission to be a mediocre corporate worker, so I can be a good author of books and screenplays. Maybe I've always been a mediocre corporate slave and just never knew it. I don't know.

I'm just blown away by this insight I had about myself this morning. I had no idea I was still holding on to being promoted at my job, being assigned important projects, and getting noticed and seen around the company. These are things I used to crave in my jobs and since I'm not getting them anymore, it's been freaking me out big time.

I'm so incoherent right now, I know. I'm just blown away by what should have been a simple thing to do for myself and I should have done for myself six years ago and I'm mad at myself because I didn't do this six years ago. I can't help asking myself how far would my writing have progressed had I given permission to myself to not do well at my job six years ago.

I haven't been sleeping well and now I am run down and getting sick. Not sure if it's allergies or if it's the rain, but my nose is all runny and I feel crummy. I got at 4:30 am, left home at 6 am to drive to a division meeting two hours away in Sacramento. On the drive back it started raining, and it took me 3 hours to get home. Thank god there weren't any accidents on the freeways, otherwise it would have taken longer.

I am just happy to have gotten home accident free. I know how to drive in rain, but it is still nerve racking to drive in rush hour rainy traffic. I was so proud of myself driving in rush hour traffic. I used to do it regularly, but I haven't had to drive to work in two years and I was beginning to think I was losing my commuting driving skills.

Having learnt to drive on a small island with a two-lane road, I was deathly afraid of driving in San Francisco for a long time. Five lane freeways used to just scare the heck out of me until I had to drive down the Peninsula to work every day for two years at the height of the dot com boom, when the traffic between San Francisco to the South Bay was manic and intense. Now I'm a decent commute driver, and on a rainy day like today I was glad I had that experience.

A friend is picking me up at 6 am tomorrow to drive down to Monterey for an all day seminar, so I have another long day and drive ahead of me tomorrow. Thank god I'm not driving! I am exhausted!

I wear this necklace around my neck called a super receptor. It's a health device that is supposed to help your body function better, but something is happening to it or maybe something is happening to me. It doesn't seem to have the same effect that it had when I first started wearing it in 2003. I let my friend S at work feel it today, and she noted that it wasn't as powerful as it was when she first saw it a few months ago. S said she still feels something, but it isn't as strong as it used to be.

I took it off on Saturday before my kineseology session and I usually feel lost without it, but for some reason I forgot I took it off until later that night. As an avid reader of several new age boards, I've read so many posts and articles in the last two years about how people feel that their frequencies are changing and that there is some kind of shift happening in the world and in their bodies. I've felt the changes in frequences and shifts as well, and I think it's affecting the way my necklace is working. My necklace used to have a such a powerful effect on me, but not anymore.

Everyone says there will be another large frequency shift and change happening during the new moon eclipse on March 29. My intuition tells me that they are right and sadly after that date, I don't think my super receptor will work for me anymore.

S thinks it might because I am taking my etherium supplements and they are having an effect on my energies and frequencies, which are rendering my super receptor ineffective. I mean, this is good news and all because it means it's a sign of growth and change in my body that can only mean my health is getting better. But then I'm thinking, oh great, I'm going to have to look for another device to keep furthering my body's return to good health.

I really like my necklace. It's made me feel safe and protected, and it would be such a bummer to find out after March 29 that it is no longer having the same effect. I wonder if other necklace wearers are feeling the same thing.

I could change the amethyst stone on the necklace, but my intuition tells me that a change in gemstone will not help. The necklace just won't work for me anymore

The new age boards say that the changes and shifts in frequencies are only happening to certain people, and I guess I'm one of them because I'm a sensitive and an intuitive with my four clairs (clairaudient, clairsentience, claircognizance, clairvoyance) intact and going strong and getting stronger every day.

Information on the Vesica Pisces symbol. I meditate in mine and feel JC's presence. I had visions of myself sitting in a Vesica Pisces symbol in ancient Egypt and worshipping Sekhmet. The ancient Egyptian goddess Sekhmet is known as the Eye of Ra. She is the power that protects the good and annihilates the wicked. Sekhmet is the wrathful form of Hathor (goddess of joy, music, dance, sexual love, pregnancy and birth). With leonine head, female human body and the strength of her father, she is the noontime sun --- intense blinding heat.

Vesica Pisces symbol information taken from the Medicine Garden website.

THE VESICA PISCES SYMBOL AND ITS MANY MEANINGS OVER THE AGES...

There is an old symbol, much older than anyone can remember, beyond Christianity, beyond Rome, Greece and Mesopotamia. It is known as the Vesica Pisces symbol. Latin translation calls it the fish bladder. But don't be detoured by this name. Looking like two circles overlapping one another, it has been called the symbol of the 'fish' (because it is shaped like one where the circles overlap) or 'the eye of God,' because it looks like the shape of an eye, as well. I call it The Eye. Eye of Horus, for example. There are many 'eye' motif's and myths/legends around the world.
The Vesica Pisces is easily one of the most profound geometrical images of ancient and modern times. It is, for example, considered to be an integral part of the Ark of the Covenant, as described and shown figuratively by ka-gold's version of the Vesica Pisces. The latter article, in fact, ties in rather nicely with the so-called Hourglass Nebula described at the end of this Alexandrian webpage.

Essentially the intersection of two, overlapping spheres, the Vesica Pisces (including the interior portion of it, and/or the more common two dimensional version) represents, among other things:
1. The joining of God and Goddess to create an offspring.
2. A symbol for Jesus Christ.
3. In art a pointed oval used as an aureole in medieval sculpture and painting.
4. The uterus of the female goddess (or Mother Mary's womb).
5. The basic motif in the Flower of Life.
6. An overlay of the Tree of Life.
7. The formative power of polygons in mathematics.
8. A geometrical description of square roots and harmonic proportions.
9. A source of immense power and energy.
10. As such, it is also a doorway or portal between worlds, and symbolizes the intersection between the heaven and the material plane. The shape of arches in gothic architecture is based on the vesica.
11. The shape of the Vesica Pisces is derived from the intersection of two circles, the Pythagorean "measure of the fish" that was a mystical symbol of the intersection of the world of the divine with the world of matter and the beginning of creation. To the Pythagoreans, the whole of creation was based on number, and by studying the properties of number, they believed one could achieve spiritual liberation. The Vesica pisces was the symbol of the first manifestation, the dyad that gives birth to the entire manifest universe. Within the Vesica can be found the triangle, the tetrad, the square, the pentacle, and many more polygons, making the Vesica a true symbolic womb.
12. The shape of the Vesica Pisces is derived from the intersection of two circles, the Pythagorean "measure of the fish" that was a mystical symbol of the intersection of the world of the divine with the world of matter and the beginning of creation. The Vesica Pisces is used in a wide range of symbolism.
13. The Latin term Vesica Pisces, meaning "Vessel of the Fish" is the most basic and important construction in Sacred Geometry. A Vesica is formed when the circumference of two identical circles each pass through the center of the other. When a Vesica Pisces is viewed horizontally, it looks like a vagina or a womb which is why the Christ child was often pictured inside of one. When the Vesica Pisces is viewed vertically it looks like the shape of a fish. Amazingly, the above two Vesica Pisces each have a horizontal axis equal in length to the gematria value of the Greek word for "fishes."
14. The Vesica Pisces is an ancient symbol used in Pagan culture, Christian symbolism and sacred geometry, as well as various other belief systems. This enduring symbol is so old that I would suggest it was 'born' during the age of Lemuria, the first world upon Earth, eons ago.
15. The two overlapping circles represent the physical world on one side and the causal or spiritual world on the other. The section where they intersect is the akashic or etheric level and is the "bridge between heaven and earth."
In the earliest traditions, the supreme being was represented by a sphere, the symbol of a being with no beginning and no end, continually existing, perfectly formed and profoundly symmetrical. The addition of a second sphere represented the expansion of unity into the duality of male and female, god and goddess. By overlapping, the two spheres, the god and goddess created a divine offspring. It also shows the integration of the male/female that Carl Jung has talked about and that is the path to the Individuation process. The Vesica Pisces motif (and its derivatives, the Flower of Life, Tree of Life, and fundamentals of geometry) has a history of thousands of years and easily predates virtually all major religions of the current era.
The son or daughter of the god and goddess is associated with the overlapping of the spheres -- the resulting three dimensional figure somewhat like an American football. In the case of Jesus Christ, the two dimensional figure has also served as a symbol for the miracle of the fishes. (The "tail" also served to more easily identify the source of the plane figure.) There is also conveyed the spiritual power originating from the interior of this symbol.

Virtually every medieval church in Europe uses as a standard motif, the Vesica Pisces in two dimensions. The fact many of these churches were dedicated to the Virgin Mary or to Mary Madagalene (aka the goddess) is simply part of the understanding. Several of the churches in northern France are even located in such a manner that their points of light recreate the "lights" of the constellation Virgo. In Glastonbury, England, the site normally attributed to Avalon (the island of the Goddess), is also where the Chapel of St. Mary is located -- the latter which is apparently patterned with the use of the Vesica Pisces.

The goddess of any and all religions which recognize her power and significance invariably use the Vesica Pisces to identify her. From the overlapping pools of water and the chalice well cover in the goddess's garden in Glastonbury (aka Avalon) to any number of representations of the Tree of Life, the goddess and her ability to create and birth life are celebrated.
Robert Lawlor, in one of the best books available on Sacred Geometry [Thames and Hudson, 1982] notes that the Ö3 contained within the Vesica Pisces is "the formative power giving rise to the polygonal 'world'."

In Mark Percy's Appendix to the unique book, Two Thirds, [Aulis Publishers, London, 1993] the square roots of 2, 3, and 5 (three of the first digits in the Fibonacci Numbers) can be geometrically calculated. This is just an inkling of the possibilities. And, for those who are into mathematics, 3 - Square Root of Three - 1.732 : 1 - Vesica Pisces.

In 1996, a Crop Circle in the shape of the Vesica Pisces appeared in England. Anyone stepping into the inner portion of the two circles' intersection could feel a sudden rush of energy. More dramatically, is the Hubble Space Telescope photo of the ineptly named Hourglass Nebula http://hubblesite.org, in the center of which is a dramatic, colorful object, supposedly the remnants of a dying star (one about the size of our Sun). The green spot, in fact, is larger than the size of our solar system! The photograph is so dramatic, in fact, that it has appeared on the cover of National Geographic [April 1997]. The fact that it is out in space, in our spiral armed galaxy makes this a symbol of the Universe, not just on our Earth.

Many people experience many sensations in the eye . You can suddenly be pulled forward until you feel like you're going to tip over your toes and fall. Or, you can feel pulled backward to the point where you think you're going to fall over. Or, you may feel a strong pull from your left or right shoulder. It may seem that you're doing what I call, 'adjusting' by moving one way or another. This adjustment is about getting your aura or energy field, back into balance and harmony. Once that is accomplished in the eye, you then can experience an incredible amount of things.

Some people see a color or two. Others see a person, sometimes, their Master or spirit guide or a loved one that has passed over. Or, some will hear music, or their hearing will be sharpened and accentuated. Words, sentences or instructions may be given. Other times, places, incarnations or your home planet may be shown to you. No two people will ever have the same experience because they are uniquely different.

What is the point of working in the eye of the VP? This is a way to access our own integration process, clean out our dirty laundry within us (our wounds/negative emotions, ect.), and heal yourself. When you sit and meditate in the eye, this is one of the most profound experiences you can have.

The VP is about healing. And opening up. Don't be surprised if your heart chakra flies open and you feel tremendous love pouring down through you. As you are filled up with this love from the Universe, you, in turn, can give to others. It is a win-win situation.

The VP can put you in touch with a special teacher in Spirit. You can receive positive and reinforcing guidance as well. Past lifetimes may unroll like film on a movie screen to you, too. The VP, in the finest sense of the word, is a DOORWAY. To where? Well, you must sit in there and find out. The VP is not only a doorway, but it is catalytic as well. You cannot sit in the VP and not change for the better. It will accentuate your true, authentic self and bring you to full bloom if you allow it to work with you.

Reports of going through a worm hole, a 'star gate', flying through the galaxy or through the Universe have also been experienced. Even more profound, going 'home' to your home place where your soul was birthed (and we all have such a place where we have come from and return to between incarnations).

The VP is a mystical opening into the other dimensions, a gate, a door or whatever you want to call it. When you sit or lie down in the VP (make sure your entire body is within the eye or lens/fish, no part of it outside it), something will happen. First, your aura will adjusted and harmonized. Once you are in harmony, then your healing begins.

I would suggest a twenty minute meditation daily in the eye of the VP. Be sure to keep a journal or diary of what you feel, hear, see or experience. Over time, you will see that each journey is like a piece to a greater motif that is you.

OTHER HEALING USES OF THE VESICA PISCES
Feeling stressed out? Go sit or lie down in the The Eye of the symbol. If you are upset, angry or losing patience, go sit in the eye for about five to ten minutes. Amazingly, all the anger or impatience or feeling out of sorts, will simply dissolve away and you'll feel strong, steady and in your 'core' being where there is a sense of solidness and peacefulness.
Worried? Anxious? Panic attack? Want to get rid of these awful feelings? Go sit or lie down in the lens/eye for ten to twenty minutes and feels all this unwanted energy dissipate and dissolve. You'll come out of there feeling like a new person.

Sick? Have a headache? Experiencing arthritis? Go sit or lay down in the lens/eye for ten to twenty minutes and see what happens. You'll be feeling a lot better when you leave the VP.
You see, the VP is our very own, private doorway to the Universe in every possible and conceivable way. You can turn negative into positive. Separation or duality into Oneness. ain into no pain. Sharp, hurtful emotions move into a feeling of peace and harmony.

I finally got around to viewing the "What the bleep?" movie, and it wasn't at all what I expected. I had first heard about the movie in an seminar given by a writing agent from New York last year. Someone in the seminar brought it up and said it was like some Ramtha movie. I am so not into the whole JZ Knight and the being she channels named Ramtha. I mean, who the heck wants to hear the rantings of some being who claims to be from Atlantis? I looked up the website for JZ Knight and Ramtha and so did not get a good feeling about the Ramtha being. But I am biased and do not get great feelings about anything having to do with Atlantis anyway. Those people destroyed their own world by their greed, and I do not think they are the idyllic paradise that everyone in the New Age movement makes the place out to be.

But the movie wasn't about Ramtha at all. It was all about quantum physics and how quantum physics is starting to explain spiritual experiences. I heard someone say in an interview a very long time ago that the science that once rejected God and spiritual experiences will in the future lead us back to God and spiritual experiences, or something like that.

Ramtha was talking in the movie yes, but so were all these other scientists and doctors with serious knowledge of the human body and quantum physics. I wished that person in the seminar hadn't said it was a Ramtha movie, because after researching Ramtha I did not want to see the movie. Now I wish I had because the movie really does make a ton of sense and explains to me so many things that I've been interested in and researching since I was 13 years old. The movie connected so many dots before me, and Ramtha was like this disembodied voice speaking and not really making much sense compared to the scientists and doctors.

Now I'm in Dr. Emoto and his messages with water. I want to read the book and check it out. My friend K and I saw the book at the japanese spa we went to two years ago for my birthday. The guy is totally cool and very interesting and I love the crystals that the water forms after you expose it to words like love and thank you.

I'm sitting in this device called a Vesica Pisces symbol which is supposed to be a doorway or portal between worlds, and which also symbolizes the intersection between the heaven and the material plane. You can make it yourself and sit in it to relieve stress, so this aritcle says, and to have strange visions.

Who knows if all of this is true, but yesterday I visited the Pleiades cluster in the constellation of Taurus and saw one of their planets. It was a strange desert planet with two suns and two moons. I also visited one of the planets in the Andromedan Galaxy, which was so lush and beautiful. The planet looked alot like earth, only lusher and greener.

I also have my pyramid on my head and took some of my Shamir. For the last couple of hours, I've been hearing my elfgirl character speaking in my head. This is the story she wants to tell.

*********************
If you want to know the real truth of how the world began and then was reborn, you cannot ask someone who can only take you back to Atlantis. Atlantis was the land of those fragile human hybrids and that Enlil and Enki made. Their magic was nothing compared to what was in Lemuria, but Atlantis is all current humankind knows and so they worship as if it was magical place. But perhaps they can be forgiven for Atlantis is all they know of as their memories do not go back that far. Those degenerate humans were not even one of the original root races. There were other humans before them, stronger and taller with all of their 12-strand DNA intact. The hybrid humans that Enlil and Enki made were given only 2-strand DNA, easier to control they said and not so rebellious.

Father and my uncle Shankul had first seen the visions which predicted the ending of our world. We did not know it at the time for they only revealed that far into the distant future one person would come first at the turning of the first millineum and then again later after the turning of the second millenium in the history of the hybrid humans who would restore the seven root races to their rightful place on earth. For in the future, my father and uncle had seen no elves, no fairies, no dwarvs, no merpeople, and if there were devas and angels there were hidden and only revealed themselves when needed by the new humans.

We had laughed back then. Imagining a world without the seven root races was unthinkable. We had lived on the planet for centuries, peacefully for the most part. But then the star visitors came from the Pleiadian cluster they said, and with them their brethren from the Andromedan galaxy. No one saw them as a threat. We had had other visitors from other planets before, though none of the root races had any wish to travel off our own planet. The visitors from the distant stars had always been peaceful, always bringing new plant species and animals and new devices for the root races to try. Some of their teachers even settled on our planet and taught in the many schools for the star visitors often had powers none of us had ever seen.

But the Pleiadians were different as were the Andromedans, although we did not know it at first. It was only later when the enslavements started did we come to know their true natures. Until their arrival, slavery was an unheard of concept. Who would want to own another creature and take away their free will? Such an idea was horrifying and would surely lead to war with the people that one was attempting to enslave. Why even attempt it? But we were not to know then that the star visitors that had come the Pleiades and the Andromedan galaxy were the dark lords, banished from their land for their greed and for their evil. There would be other Pleiadian and Andromedans who would come later to the planet, to try to undo much of their outcasts had bulit, lords of light and peace, a people much like the seven root races. But the evils that the star dark lords and their accomplices Enlil and Enki unfurled would be hard to check, hard to hold back, hard to root out.

The memories come back but they are in pieces, fractured and dreamlike. I was but a young girl back then, about to embark on my schooling. It was the visions that should have warned us. The visions that my uncle Shankul had, and then my father, and which eventually spread among the populace. Even I was not immune to them although I never took them seriously for there too fantastical.

In your world. the turning of the second millenium has come and cosmic stargates are opening. New children are coming into the world who have been sent to try to restore order to the planet. The frequences are shifting and shift daily, and as my father had seen in the visions and which my uncle would later prophesize, at the end of the third month in the sixth year after the turn of the second millenium, the frequencies will open and the veils between the worlds will thin. Those that have chosen to follow the One will be spared, and those that have aligned themselves with the darkness of their forefathers, the ancestors of Enlil and Enki and their Pleiadian and Andromedan dark lords and the triumverate of evil which is again trying to reassert its presence of the planet will be doomed.

My uncle always said that one must always choose between the light and darkness. There is no middle ground. The darkness will always choose to extinguish the light, and the light will always try to light the darkness. So one must choose and choose wisely at every moment.
************************************

I think I used to have ADD or ADHD when I was a kid, one of the two or both. But I had it back in the day when no one really knew what ADD/ADHD was and the only way to treat it was to banish kids out of class. I spent most of my first grade outside of class for bad behavior, not paying attention, telling my teacher I was bored, and then to add insult to injury I constantly argued with her that cats did not sound how we were reading them in books. What a freaky six-year I was arguing with my first grade teacher who was probably in her 40's or 50's. My mother told me I did the same thing in kindergarten teacher because I refused to take a nap and I constantly argued with my teacher when she said things that didn't make sense. Those poor ladies told my mother I had a learning disability and was very SLOW.

But I don't care because I had my revenge on both of them even though I know they meant well when they told my mother I was STUPID and SLOW! By fourth grade I was tested as a having a 9th grade reading level.

But having ADD/ADHD means that I have issues about time and clutter to this day. I found the following in an email about children with ADD which so explains certain things about myself. I get a ton of stuff done, heck I've run the NYC marathon three times and finished c0llege for god's sake, but I feel like ADD/ADHD child personality coming out when it comes to writing and sometimes to housework and cleaning up. My third grade teacher, I was age 8 then so I think it' third grade, made the class keep a journal that we had to turn in. That year we also wrote stories, printed them ourselves on nice paper, and then illustrated them. Afterwards, all of our mini books were donated to the school library so other kids could check them out and read them.

I forgot I was self-published at age 8. How funny is that! I wanted to be a writer at age 8 because of I thought it was so cool to have other people read my stories. I mean, it makes sense doesn't it, that my writing self is an ADD/ADHD child since I got the writing bug at that age. My third grade teacher told me I was a great writer, and encouraged me to pursue it, but I think she said to that everyone in the class. I mean, what else would have been the whole point of the exercise if not to encourage the whole class to become writers. Reading these tips for ADD/ADHD kids makes me think I should apply them to my young ADD/ADHD writing self, because she is in serious rebellion right now and refuses to write.

Recommended many practical approaches that you can do at home to help your ADD/ADHD child

A Home Work Binder – ADD/ADHD children need all of their information in one central location, so they only have to keep trackof one item. Put several spiral notebooks in a binder, (one for each subject at school) and staple a large envelopeto the front of each spiral. All homework gets put in the envelopes,and only taken out to work on or turn in. All written info for the class, including homework assignments, is kept in the correct spiral, and is not removed unless turning in. Pencils and other supplies need to be kept filled in a pencil bag in the binder.

Home Calendar – ADD/ADHD children need one location at home to check for assignments, appointments, holidays, chores, etc. Place one large calendar in a central location in the house where your child can check their schedule. (this is why Palms and their knockoffs were invented and yes I have one).

Organized Bedroom – in Baby Steps!! It is overwhelming to an ADD/ADHD child to have to clean aroom all at once. It needs to be broken down in small steps, so a child can see the light at the end of the tunnel. (this really applies to novels)

Minimizing – Find out what your ADD/ADHD child palys with , and then get rid of everything else! ADD/ADHD children cannot function in chaos. Chaos breeds chaos, and their minds need peace to help themfocus. Go through all the toys, closets, etc, and get rid of as much as possible. This will also make it easier for your child to keep a clean room.

Daily Schedule – Writie down a schedule for your ADD/ADHD child, and having the child refer to it during the day. When to take medicine,when to do homework, etc. and post it near the calendar to help your child remember what comes next. (Routines work!!!!)

I started reading Nicholas Sparks' "Message in a Bottle" this morning. Yes, I know, the man is a like such a sappy happy writer, but I love his books. They are easy to read on the train, very engaging, and reading it is like watching a soap opera. The guy is like a male Danielle Steel, and I used to have such a thing for her books.

I read "A Walk to Remember" and I was surprised how good the book was compared to the very boring movie. I never fall asleep during a movie, but I fell asleep several times to the movie version of the this book. I liked the book and how he wrote it in first person so much, that I bought it used at a bookstore so I could use it for reference as I write my novels in first person.

And no, I will not rent the movie but instead wait for it to come on TV. I don't want to be disappointed by another bad Nicholas Sparks movie adaptation.

I have screenwriting seminar tomorrow and I haven't done a bit of writing. Breakups are bad for my writing muse. All she wants to do is moon about and long the lost of her love. Still it must have that been that bad of a breakup because my kineseologist whom I saw today, said that he noted that my immune system was working quite well which meant to him that I was not experiencing much stress or emotional trauma. So much for the trauma of a breakup with a man I was prepared to move to Lala land for.

So I am comforting myself by watching A&E's "Pride and Prejudice" on DVD which I just purchased today at Costco for $16.99. It was such a good deal that I had to purchase it. I videotaped it but the DVD unlike my videotapes have no commercials.

I am also being quite domestic and cooking some corned beef and cabbage in honour of St. Patrick's Day. I had the dish for lunch at Max's yesterday which I thoroughly enjoyed and since I love the dish, I decided to make it myself so I could eat it my fill. There is something very yummy about salty boiled meat and veggies. It's such a hardy dish.

But I supposed I should write something to take into my seminar, even though I am so over screenwriting and want to concentrate on writing novels instead. I think this is the last class and I will not be renewing. I really like this screenwriting group; they are such nice people. Two people in my group have their screenplays circulating around Hollywood right now.

One of the screenplays is a horror movie and the other one is I believe the female version of "Brokeback Mountain, which I understand Hollywood producers are hot on the trail of.

I did make notes to rewrite the beginning of my screenplay, and I suppose I could write a few pages to take to my seminar tomorrow.

I'm not a very good writer I dare say right now, even though I have been doing freewrites.

I love having money! I know that sound awful, but it's true! I just paid off my trip to Hawaii and a store credit card that I used to purchase my whole new wardrboe last year, and YES, it feels so good!

Of course, my fantasy is that one day I'll be able to pay cash for stuff like a vacation and that cash will come from the money I earn from publishing and selling my stories. That day will come soon, but until then I'll pay my bills over time like everyone else in America.

I am happy with myself. This is my third day of doing timed freewrites. I have not written three days in a row in a long time. I even have the goal of finishing the last chapter of my Texas novel this week so I can say "I completed a novel, yeah me!"

Tonight's freewrite started with "I remember" but this time a character came through. Some kind of science fiction character talking about meeting alien invaders for the first time as a young girl in her father's court. The alien invaders were all beautiful men, strong and dressed in white jumpsuits with silver capes. They had silver hair, and they had the power to read thoughts. Once an alien invader reads the thoughts of a human, they are then able to tune into the mind of that particular person and once they tune in they can control their body reactions and functions. It's not quite mind control, but the aliens are able to manipulate body reactions. It's kind of cool because the manipulation of body reactions can make a person think they are experiencing a certain emotion, when in fact they might not be. I like it because it's creepy and interesting at the same time.

Think about it. If you see a person and have an excited reaction, wouldn't you kind of think you were attracted and lusting after the person. What if that weren't true? What if the body reactions you were experiencing were being manipulated by an outside force? It's not exactly mind control because they're not taking over your mind They're just manipulating your body's response to stimulus to suit their own ends. And how would you catch them? How many people know their own mind and body well enough to know when the two are not feeling and thinking the same thing? Very few I think. Of course, someone will catch on eventually. But by then it will be too late.

Now I'm listening to "Sacred Chants of Shiva from the banks of the Ganges". Shiva the destroyer of the world, who is responsible in the Hindu god pantheon, for change both in the form of death and destruction and in the positive sense of the shedding of old habits. The music makes me want to read the Mahabarata again. I'ts been 15 years since I've read this epic, and I still have my authentic Indian book I bought in NYC.

The sun was out briefly this morning, but now it's raining again. I had a productive morning and already completed a timed freewrite. I am going back to basics with my writing, and doing timed freewrites. I think my writing has become too introspective, too inner directed. When I did first timed freewrite late last night and read it over, I was shocked how seriously lacking in detail my piece was.

Natalie Goldberg is right. Journal writing is not great writing practice. It's good for getting your thoughts out and reflecting on the events of your life, but it's too focused on the self and your own thoughts. Journal writing has been good for me and I have but one regret; that I did not keep my journals from age 8 to 18 years. It would have been fascinating to see what I was writing about during that time period. At least I have my journals from college on, and a file full of all the poetry I wrote in college.

But timed writing is different. When I wrote this morning and trying to get more detailed in my writing, I felt fear coming up. It's the same fear I felt in acting class that I could never get over, and that was being "naked" on stage". When you're on stage, you have to open up, you have to let the world see all of you, see your character in all their gloried humanity and flaws. It was too frightening for me to open up like that, even though I was always playing characters that were never like me. When I took my first acting class in college, I remember thinking that acting was great because I could hide behind a character and let my emotions out. It really wasn't me on stage being watched, it was me being someone else, and I could let my feelings out through my characters. Acting was therapeutic back then.

I should have remembered a friend of mine telling me back then how freaked out how became when he was playing a murderer on stage, because he had to reach inside of himself to find the cruelty necessary to play the character. Once he found it, he realized it had always been there and that bothered him because he had always thought of himself as a kind person.

My first monologue in college was a speech from a Eugene O'Neill play that I fell in love with in junior high. The woman was a morphine addict, and I so related to how she talked and felt. II know I was thinking to myself, I can do this. I know what this feel likes, I've experienced youthful drug addiction; this speech is going to be a piece of cake.

But when I was rehearsing the monologue my acting teacher Sandy kept telling me I wasn't reaching far enough inside, i wasn't relating enough to how my character felt. My speech was when she was high on morphine and talking to one of her sons. Sandy kept saying I wasn't achieving the distance from reality that a drug takes a person, and I kept thinking to myself but I know how that feels, I experienced it myself, I know how drugs take you away, so far away to a place where you feel safe, where it's only you and the drug and everyone else in your world is at a safe distance where they can't hurt you, they can't touch you, where the hurt and rage you feel inside subsides, is quiet, you know it's still there but the drugs have quieted the demons.

But looking back, Sandy was probably right about me. I couldn't really get that character right because I would have had to go back and experience that distance, which have meant experiencing that hurt and rage all over again and I know I couldn't have done it back then. I was too young, I was still too close to the experience and it had only been a few years since it all happened. Besides, I was still walking around with 4o hits of pharmaceutical speed in my backpack just in case I needed it. I loved that distance, I loved my safe place, but not without the help of my drug to get there and I knew that despite my need to carry my drug, I could never visit that place again because the price of my health I paid for the fare to get there had been far too high and I was unwilling to pay that price again.

When I did a timed writing this morning, it made me cry to remember the details. Remembering the details brought back all the pain, all the hurt, all the rage. They god is the details, but the hurt and pain are also there and writing about them makes it all come back in real time. And in my writing I couldn't slow down. I kept trying to, to remember details but with details come pain and memories. Screw "show don't tell"! Showing means reliving again and again. Telling is better, telling achieves distance without the necessary drugs.

But I have to able to show, I have to be able to write details, and so somehow I must get through this wall that I could never get through in my acting, and that I only very rarely get through in my writing. Maybe mining my own memories doesn't work for me. Maybe I need to get through to the memories with a character like in acting. Characters are not me, they are a fictional me. I can make them stronger, I can give give them strength I know I don't have. They can mine my life for details that they can transform as details in their own world. I know my writing works best for me when I write as a completely different character and my character is telling their story, which is sort of my story only transformed into their fictional world.

There's a line from the USA series "Witchblade" that I like, "in your world, parallel lines always meet".

From Natalie Goldberg's book, "Wild Mind" when she was talking to a friend about how writing is an addiciton and the friend told her, "No, Natalie, an addiction diminishes you. You have not been diminished by writing. It is your passion."

And then she writes later on in the book about Linda Leonard, who was writing a new book about creativity and addiction.
"....both the artist and the alcoholic have parrallet paths. They both go into the darkness, but the alcoholic gets stuck there. The artists (if he/she is alos not addicted) goes into the darkness and is transformed by the experience and comes out more alive. I picture the artist as someone deep-sea diving, holding her breath and bursting out of the water into the air six minutes later, one hundred feet from where she begain, with sun catching the water spray. The alcoholic dives down and gets caught in the sludge or is mesmerized by the underwater world and drowns. The good thing is the artist can move through the experience, learn from the experience, and not be caught by it. Writing and reading can give us."

In my world, I hope parallel lines do meet to create heart-breaking stories.

The crows are cawing outside my window, and are making quite a fuss. They only caw like that when something is going to happen in my world.

I am sitting here listening to cd of ancient hawaiian huna chants that I bought at the Monterey Psychic Festival and I dragged my friend K to last April. We went specifically to see a woman I'd heard about from friends. We went to her lecture and afterwards when I told her I had heard about her through friends, she gave me a hug. Sweet huh? My friend K and I have since driven down to Monterey, a good two hour drive, five or six times to take seminars from her in Pacific Grove.

I used to think it was such a big deal to drive two hours to see someone, but having done it now a few timess, it's not such a big deal. It's a long drive but at least you're driving and not just stuck in traffic for an hour or two and not going more than 10 miles.

There was a woman at the Monterey Pyschic Festival wearing a lei on her head. There is a specific name for that kind of lei, but I cannot remember it right now. I stopped at her booth and told her I was born in Hawaii and she started chanting hawaiian huna chants to me. I felt tinglies run up and down my spine during her chanting, and I don't know it was because the chanting was really powerful or it was because hearing hawaiian chants opens the floodgates to my childhood memories.

My hula teacher in 6th grade taught us ancient Hawaiian hula, and not the tourist kind that you see at hotels. This is the kind of hula done mostly sitting on your haunches on the ground and is more ritualistic and tribal. My hula teacher, who grew up on the Big Island, learned it from her mother, who learned it from her mother, and so on. She taught that hula was a sacred rite performed for the ancient hawaiian gods and goddessses at heiaus, and that we were to act like priesteses, devotees, and not shake-your-butt for the tourists hula girls.

It's kind of amazing that I still remember some of her teachings, but I'm sure like any typical 12-year I was thinking what the heck was she talking about. And I was a bad little priestess too, never quite getting anything right. I could never duck walk properly. She always made us duck walk around the room a couple of time, and I could never master the art of duck walking. I still remember her screaming at me because when I moved my hips, my upper body shook. She would clamp her big hands on my shoulders, tell me to bend my knees really low and start moving my hips in a circle. I could feel my scrawny shoulders trying to move under the presssure of her hands, and the eyes of everyone in class watching me. Beads of sweat started forming at the base of my spine and travelled upwards towards my neck as she kept saying over and over again like a chant, "stop moving your shoulders, only your hips should move not your whole upper body." Geez, I was only 12 years old, give me a break.

I'm trying to remember if I was the youngest person in that class. There were other kids there but they were older, and older women that didn't live in our neighborhood. How I got stuck taking an ancient hawaiian hula class instead of the tourist hula that I started learning at age six is a mystery to me. Her daughter and I were in the same grade, so I don't know if I asked to go to the class or if my grandma knew about the class and wanted me to go. My grandparents were strict catholics, not followers of ancient hawaiian ritualistic hula.

The hula I was taught that year is hardly ever performed except at hula festivals in Hawaii. My hula teacher told us that this kind of hula is passed down from female to female only, and you have to be invited to learn it. No wonder it's never seen if the hula is that exclusive. Tourists wouldn't like this kind of hula anyway. It's all this gutteral chanting, and the costumes are not that pretty and the girls never really smile since they're supposed to priestesses. You have to be serious, religious and devoted because "you are offering a prayer to the gods and goddesses".

I've been meditating every day for an hour this week, and have had the most incredible experiences which have been enhanced by these new supplements I've been taking. David Hudson discovered something called monotomic gold, and my new writing friend S from work loves it and recommended I take some.

The company is called Harmonic Innerprize and they make these amazing products. Their orignal product, Chamae Rose, is made from a plant that grows in this white soil which was created by a meteor that landed on earth 11,000 years ago. From the white soil, they came up with Etherium Gold, Etherium Black, Etherium Red, Etherium Pink, and Shamir. They also have another product called Aulterra.

I had the most powerful experience with Alterra. Lab studies have shown:
1. Aulterra increases the utilization and effectiveness to the body of any substance; including pharmaceuticals, nutriceuticals and herbs, and foodstuff by 30% to 60%.
2. Aulterra activates DNA. When DNA is oscillating at optimal efficiency it opens the potential for a constant state of health.
3. Aulterra neutralizes the harmful effects of toxic substances, including toxins in the body. This is accomplished through electromagnetic dynamics that reverses the negative spin of any toxic substance to positive.

The first night I took Aulterra I felt all these negative vibrations leave my body. The formulation seemed to draw all my sadness away from me, sadness I didn't know I had. Etherium black if taken during a meditation makes you go really, really deep. I'm not sure what the effects of the other formulations are yet.

Etherium gold makes me feel balanced. Here's what the website says:

Etherium Gold has an electromagnetic pattern similar, if not identical to the same pattern that energy flows when it is transmuted into matter.

Physicists believe when energy forms matter, it begins by moving in a clockwise motion. As its speed increases, a vortex begins to form. Centrifugal force causes the energy to rise and the circumference of the spin becomes tighter and tighter. The energy in the vortex eventually reaches an apex where it cannot go any further and it implodes within itself. From the implosion, another vortex is formed and it moves counterclockwise and as it descends it slows. Eventually it slows to a point where matter forms. At first single atomic (monatomic) states appear, and eventually more complex atomic states.

Biofeedback research indicates that individuals become more balanced and calm after administration of Etherium Gold. Test shows a clear decrease in emotional reactivity and greater relaxation.

The most obvious and consistent results occurred in the EEG measurements after taking Etherium Gold. In 90% of the volunteers brainwave frequencies tended to balance out and all frequency bands showed greater activation.

We could casually say that people with high theta activity (as compared to beta) are considered to be "right brained," (creative, meditative, artistic, spatially oriented). People with high beta activity (as compared to theta) are considered to be "left brained," (logical, mathematically inclined, linearly oriented). Etherium Gold balances the differences in the strength of these frequency ranges between the right and left hemispheres of the brain. It is therefore a very accurate statement to say that Etherium Gold tends toward helping people become more "whole brained."

In conclusion, this preliminary study shows clear evidence that there is a positive neurological impact, at least temporarily, through the administration of Etherium Gold. The indication is that it somehow provides an environment whereby the brain moves toward a state of homeostasis.

I did my usual Brenda thing and started taking all the supplements at once and got so spacey. S from work said I looked so out of it. She said she saw that my etheric body wasn't attached to my physical body. I was irritated and my synapses weren't firing right, and I was waking up every two hours and having the wildest dreams.

S said it was too dangerous for me and made me promise to take a break. So I stopped taking the stuff, and ate a ton of protein to ground me to the earth and back into my body. I was better within a couple of days and now try to take only a couple of formulations a day.

I miss my wild dreams though. The supplements were stirring up stuff in my subconscious and I really missed my mom and grandma during this time. It made me feel like Iwas holding all this sadness inside of me that now needed to be released.

I had the weirdest dream about ex-husband. I dreamt he was in my apartment and had unloaded all these bags and boxes into my living room. I think the dream was about how much emotional baggage I was still carrying from that relationship. In the dream, my ex-hubbie asked me if I wanted my baggage back and I said NO WAY. In the next part of the dream, the bags and boxes were gone from my place. Weird huh?

My first bible reading wasn’t too bad. In this other new thing I’m doing to put more structure in my life, part of the daily-to-do is to reflect upon the word of God. This is the passage that really spoke to me.

The Fiery Cloud
Numbers 8 (NLT) :
15The Tabernacle was set up, and on that day the cloud covered it.[f] Then from evening until morning the cloud over the Tabernacle appeared to be a pillar of fire. 16This was the regular pattern--at night the cloud changed to the appearance of fire. 17When the cloud lifted from over the sacred tent, the people of Israel followed it. And wherever the cloud settled, the people of Israel camped. 18In this way, they traveled at the LORD's command and stopped wherever he told them to. Then they remained where they were as long as the cloud stayed over the Tabernacle. 19If the cloud remained over the Tabernacle for a long time, the Israelites stayed for a long time, just as the LORD commanded. 20Sometimes the cloud would stay over the Tabernacle for only a few days, so the people would stay for only a few days. Then at the LORD's command they would break camp. 21Sometimes the cloud stayed only overnight and moved on the next morning. But day or night, when the cloud lifted, the people broke camp and followed. 22Whether the cloud stayed above the Tabernacle for two days, a month, or a year, the people of Israel stayed in camp and did not move on. But as soon as it lifted, they broke camp and moved on. 23So they camped or traveled at the LORD's command, and they did whatever the LORD told them through Moses.

I feel like I’m other some kind of cloud, waiting for the signs to know what to do. I think this is part of the grieving process when you lose a relationship. I have to grieve, I have to be sad, I have to learn the lessons so I can move one.

One big lesson I learned it is I neglected my writing. I never ever want to do this in a love relationship again. Writing is good for me; it takes the stress out of my mind and body. I already have an overly active imagination, and when I’m not writing my imagination tends to spill over into my real life. I need to keep my imaginative mind active by making up stories about my fictional characters, instead of making up stories about my relationship. My imagination does not know the difference, honestly. My imagination will make up a story about anything and everything, and it doesn’t take much to get it going. Making up stories comes fairly easy for me because of my imagination, which is great for writing but not great for having a love relationship. When I don’t write I also get depressed, which makes me focus on what’s wrong with my life instead of what’s good and great about it.

So I must learn to make myself write every day, even if I don’t want to, even if I don’t feel like it, which is how I feel most of the time. Even if I only do 15 minute timed freewrites, at least I will still be writing. I am reading my Natalie Goldberg books; she wrote “Writing down to the bones”. Natalie talks about writing like a spiritual practice that you must do every day, so that one day you will be able to write short stories and novels. And not journal writing either, which is what I do, but timed freewrites.

This is my plan and on Monday I restructured my current screenplay in a freewrite. I’m not sure if this is a good thing, but I think it will be fun to see if could restructure my screenplay to fit my new plot. I like problem-solving. I do it naturally, and I get paid to do it in real life. Maybe if I can transfer my natural problem solving skills to my writing, I will be able to put out a story that I really like instead of something that I sort of like.

So I finally gave in and bought a one-year bible. It’s been a dream of mine since college to read the bible in its entirety, and not just the passages they dole out ritualistically in church readings or the ones that get attention on the History channel with those fanatical doom and gloom evangelical and conspiracy theory pundits. The theatre lit professor who was teaching my class on Samuel Beckett, the playwright, lambasted the whole class for our humongous bible illiteracy. Beckett, like most scholars of his time, knew the bible inside and out and used biblical references throughout his work. I can still hear Ellen Mease screaming “And you all missed 90% of them,” and then going into a tirade of the inadequacy of the American educational system. “How are you supposed to read great literature and understand what the authors were trying to say if you don’t get the biblical references?” We all rolled our eyes secretly, eyes that said “yeah, yeah Ellen, whatever.”

But I never forgot her remark. I hate when I don’t get the references; it like so bugs me. I feel stupid and out-of-it when I don’t get things because I’m a smart girl and should get these seemingly simple things. But I never got around to actually wanting to fulfill this dream until a few years ago.

I started on my one-year bible plan three years ago, and that unfortunately only lasted through the middle of February before I gave up. It was too hard. The bible study plan I was using started off in The Old Testament and I don’t know about you but there are parts of the five books of the Torah that are just, I don’t know, unreadable. The people who put together the one-year bible must have first hand knowledge of the bible’s put you sleep state because each day has a reading from the Old Testament, the New Testament, Psalms and Proverbs. Leviticus and its endless dietary restrictions should only be taken in small doses.

I also found the one-year bible online after I bought the book, so dummy me didn’t even have to spend the money. Oh well. My only issue with these bibles is the translations. Although I’m used to reading the New Revised Standard Version (NRSV) translation, personally I like the New Standard Version (NSV). The NRSV takes the wonderful and violent language of the NSV and waters it down, makes it politically correct and I think infinitely more boring. But the one-year bibles that I saw at the bookstore in the Embarcadero only came in the New Living Translation (NLT) and the New International Version (NIV). The NIV is the most popular translation but it only came in the compact version, so I ended up buying the NLT not only because the book was bigger but I wasn’t sure what to make up the NIV introduction when I read that evangelicals endorsed it. That statement, I am embarrassed to say, was enough to scare me off that translation.

The online one-year bible gives you more options to translations, which I wish they would do for the book version. I guess it makes sense for the publisher to print translations of bible that they know will be bought.

So okay, I know it’s March 7 and I have January and February to get caught up with in my reading plan, but I’m hoping that I will be able to fulfill my dream to read the whole bible.

So I talked to my boss this morning and she told what my raise would be. I got the highest amount you could get for the review I received, which wasn't much, really, but considering last year was not a financially stellar year for the company I'm happy I received a raise at all. I've been at companies where they've held back raises because the finances were so bad or haven't given them at all.

I don't think I've done that badly at this company. Since I left my other job in 2004, my salary has gone up 12%. The yearly bonus will be small as well, but I'm just happy becauseI haven't worked for a company that gave out yearly bonuses in a long time. My thinking is, whatever money the company can give you is a good thing.

I'm not going to lie and say I'm not pleased that "Crash" won the oscar for best film. "Crash" was an excellent ensemble film dealing with so many relevant issues from racism to caring for an elderly parent to the seeming inhumanity of the health care system to children getting more love from their nannies than from their parents to human slavery to arab race relations.

It was an intense movie with some of the best realistic dialogue I've seen in a film in a long time, outside of anything David Mamet or Quentin Tarantino have done. I also liked that it was a relatively low budget film of $6.5 million that made $55 million at the box office. Now that's one heck of a return on investment.

"Crash" dealt with perhaps what some people say are mundane issues, but they are issues nonetheless that so universal to anyone living in America right now.

When I went to a Robert McKee seminar last year, the man himself even raved about how great the movie "Crash" was and one that we all needed to see. This praise was coming from the same man who totally dissed "The English Patient" a year previously. Guess the guy really knows his movies. I wasn't even going to see "Crash" until Robert McKee recommended it. I don't think the movie was even marketed that well when it came out, and made the amount of money it did from people seeing the movie and telling their friends.

Not that "Brokeback Mountain" didn't cover a relevant subject, but "Crash" I think just covered more issues and did it in current day. And with the disgusting political correctness that is taking over everything from the coverage of the news to what people say, "Crash" was a like a big "F-U" to all of that, and said "you know what, this is how life really is and no change in vocabulary is going to change it unless we confront it and transform it through the medium of film."

So back in the early 90's when I was dating stockbroker boyfriend who used to wake me up in his luxury high rise apartment so he could watch the opening of the stock exchange, we often talked about what else, stocks. I told stockbroker guy, who was managing millions of dollars of retirement portfolio funds at the time, to hang onto his AT&T stock. I told him AT&T stock was a good investment, even though at the time AT&T was in divestiture at the time and was selling off parts of the company. The jewel of the company, the AT&T labs, would be left intact with the company.

Well it's like so many years later, and AT&T is once again making the news first with the purchase of SBC and now with the announcement today of the purchase of BellSouth.

Even though stockbroker boyfriend wasn't a very good match, way too much alcohol and partying for my taste, I know he kept his AT&T stock even though he really, really wanted to unload it. I hope he's happy now that he followed my advice.

The Recognition ...

It starts with a look, a face, a smile, a curve of a check, maybe even something heard in a voice, and then all of a sudden the cloud of unknowing parts and you see. You see a ray of sunshine among the stormy and dark clouds, you see into the unseen, the veils between the higher and lower worlds, between the dimensions, between the frequencies.

You are a like a generator cell, pure energy, buzzing day and night, maintaning and building the life of the whole organism. You have a purpose but it is unknown, until you glimpse a projector cell. A projector cell who has no propulsion of its own, so it drifts around on the body's, the world's endless energy currents created by the generator cells. The projector cell lets you dock within them, within their own timing. And the recognition process takes place. The recognition process takes place through a coded lock and a key program built into these two types at birth.

And you glimpse the light, the light of your own soul, you see into the darkness, you hear the words of Christ as he cried out in agony on the cross in Golgatha "Father into you hands I come", and you surrender believing with a faith that does not believe to see, you give into the madness, the recognition, where each choice becomes a death, where you will confront the parts of yourself that you do not want to know is there, that you didn't know even existed, the bits of darkness the floats freely among the quiet stillness of your soul, the loneliness, the self-pitying, insecure, addictive, compulsive, utter selfishness and evil parts of your self, that coexists side by side within the good, within the light, because without the darkness the light cannot shine, the light cannot be seen and the light must illuminate the darkness, so the darkness can be transmorgified and transmuted into the light.

And so you journey, make that first step, make that first choice, and you hope the moment lasts a lifetime until you take your last breath. But sometimes a moment is just a moment that does not last and is as fleeting as the bink of an eye. But the journey must be made and the choice is accepted and then the step is taken because there are always lessons to be learned, and a life that must be transformed and demands change.

Biology references taken from and inspired by Gene Keys of the UK.