My first bible reading wasn’t too bad. In this other new thing I’m doing to put more structure in my life, part of the daily-to-do is to reflect upon the word of God. This is the passage that really spoke to me.

The Fiery Cloud
Numbers 8 (NLT) :
15The Tabernacle was set up, and on that day the cloud covered it.[f] Then from evening until morning the cloud over the Tabernacle appeared to be a pillar of fire. 16This was the regular pattern--at night the cloud changed to the appearance of fire. 17When the cloud lifted from over the sacred tent, the people of Israel followed it. And wherever the cloud settled, the people of Israel camped. 18In this way, they traveled at the LORD's command and stopped wherever he told them to. Then they remained where they were as long as the cloud stayed over the Tabernacle. 19If the cloud remained over the Tabernacle for a long time, the Israelites stayed for a long time, just as the LORD commanded. 20Sometimes the cloud would stay over the Tabernacle for only a few days, so the people would stay for only a few days. Then at the LORD's command they would break camp. 21Sometimes the cloud stayed only overnight and moved on the next morning. But day or night, when the cloud lifted, the people broke camp and followed. 22Whether the cloud stayed above the Tabernacle for two days, a month, or a year, the people of Israel stayed in camp and did not move on. But as soon as it lifted, they broke camp and moved on. 23So they camped or traveled at the LORD's command, and they did whatever the LORD told them through Moses.

I feel like I’m other some kind of cloud, waiting for the signs to know what to do. I think this is part of the grieving process when you lose a relationship. I have to grieve, I have to be sad, I have to learn the lessons so I can move one.

One big lesson I learned it is I neglected my writing. I never ever want to do this in a love relationship again. Writing is good for me; it takes the stress out of my mind and body. I already have an overly active imagination, and when I’m not writing my imagination tends to spill over into my real life. I need to keep my imaginative mind active by making up stories about my fictional characters, instead of making up stories about my relationship. My imagination does not know the difference, honestly. My imagination will make up a story about anything and everything, and it doesn’t take much to get it going. Making up stories comes fairly easy for me because of my imagination, which is great for writing but not great for having a love relationship. When I don’t write I also get depressed, which makes me focus on what’s wrong with my life instead of what’s good and great about it.

So I must learn to make myself write every day, even if I don’t want to, even if I don’t feel like it, which is how I feel most of the time. Even if I only do 15 minute timed freewrites, at least I will still be writing. I am reading my Natalie Goldberg books; she wrote “Writing down to the bones”. Natalie talks about writing like a spiritual practice that you must do every day, so that one day you will be able to write short stories and novels. And not journal writing either, which is what I do, but timed freewrites.

This is my plan and on Monday I restructured my current screenplay in a freewrite. I’m not sure if this is a good thing, but I think it will be fun to see if could restructure my screenplay to fit my new plot. I like problem-solving. I do it naturally, and I get paid to do it in real life. Maybe if I can transfer my natural problem solving skills to my writing, I will be able to put out a story that I really like instead of something that I sort of like.