James Redfield and his wife Salle, the guy who wrote the book and the screenplay for "The Celestine Prophecy", was speaking tonight at the expo about the deeper meaning of the book. I was too tired to wait for him because he wasn't speaking till 9 pm, so I came home. I think the tibetan healing treatment wiped me out.

My friend S and I weren't that impressed by the movie right after we saw it, but something in that movie must have disturbed us because that night we both had bad dreams. That movie must have stirred up something in our subconscious which made my friend S sick and have bad dreams, and made me just have bad dreams.

Then last Saturday at a healing group we've both been going to we met a woman, a pediatrician endocrinologist from Children's Hospital in Oakland, who remembered seeing us the premier of the movie on Tuesday. What a small world huh? The woman had attending John of God, some big old healing center in Brazil. Her friend had made an amazing recovery from some debilitating disease from being treated by John of God, so the woman had flown down to Brazil with her friends to check these people out. The lady doctor said she felt them the healer do some spiritual psychic surgery on her, and a few days later awoke and felt them taking her sutures out. She said she knew what the procedure was, had done and had it done to her, so she knew what it felt like. It blew her medically trained mind.

I think she has a difficult job because she told us she treats children with diabetes. I can't imagine being a young child and having diabetes. What an awful disease to have as a young child. And I think if you have diabetes disease as a young child, it's not curable like adult onset diabetes. At least the technology is better these days for checking your blood sugar than it was a few years agol.

Wow, it's been awhile since I've posted. Things just go so crazy! My stupid throat thing hung on forever and I only managed to get rid of because I had a visit with my kineseologist last Saturday, and he found a ton of bacteria in my lungs which he cleaned out. He checked for viruses as well, but thankfully he didn't find any. My throat thing was gone the next day which was so amazing!

Everyone told me the throat thing would last at least three weeks, but mine lasted about 11 days, thanks to my acupuncture chinese herbs and my kineseologist and all without heavy duty drugs except for some drug store meds for sinus inflammation. At least I didn't have to go to the doctor and it didn't turn into strep throat. There's been a rash of people getting strep throat at the office.

Around a couple of weeks ago, the Saturday before Easter, I had some filling replaced and my intuition about my health was right on as usual. My dentist found out that the two silver fillings I wanted replaced were cracked and the teeth underneath were getting decayed. He said they both look liked there were on the verge of collapsing in my mouth so it was a good thing I had them replaced. I think taking those two mercury fillings out contributed to my run down health these last two wees, what with the mercury flooding my system.

My kineseologist told me to come and see him after my dental appointment so he could take the mercury out of my system. He thinks I should see a great improvement in my health now that my merucy leaking fillings are gone.

Still I spent this week recovering since I think my body was recovering from being invaded by nasty throat germs and mercury running through my system.

It's another busy weekened for me because I've been at the New Living Expo. It's fun to see what's out there in the new age world. There weren't very many new things to see as there were last year, except for lots of Tibetan booths. I had a Tibetan healing today, and the healer told me I was bloated on my right side andI needed to do some serious cleansing because my plumbing was all backed up. I bought some blood purification tea which tastes divine and hopefully will help.

On Friday and I went with a friend of mine and she boughts some crystals from Brazil and bought for me a Himalayan Salt Crystal lamp as a belated birthday present. I've been wanting to get one for awhile now but just hadn't gotten around to purchasing one. The Himilayan Salt Crystal lamp is supposed to give off negative ions, which means if you had one in the room it would be like you were sleeping on beach as the ocean waves give off lots of negative ions. She got a good deal at the booth because she bought two lamps, one for herself and one for me, and booth people gave us free himilayan salt crystal tea light. The tea light is a smaller version of the lamp salt crystal, with a hole to put a tea light in it.

I ran into so many people that I knew at the Expo on Friday. I had no idea I knew so many people in the new age community, but I guess I do.

I bought tickets for my friend S (from work) and I to go and see the San Francisco premier of "The Celestine Prophecy" movie. James Redfield and his wife Salle are going to be at the movie theatre and I am dying to see what they're like in person.

I love the whole "Celestine Prophecy" book series and own all the books. It's so weird because my friend S went to see the literary agent Peter Miller at a Learning Annex seminar yesterday, and found out that Peter had helped to produce the movie. Peter said that he wanted Redfield to make the script more understandable to an audience who had never read the original book, but redoubled declined. I am interested to see the movie because I read the book in 1995 and haven't read it since.

A girl in a growth and development seminar gave me her copy of the book and then moved to Monterey to go to law school. We lost touch with each other so I never gave the book back. The woman who gave me the book decided in that seminar she wanted to be a child rights advocate lawyer, and I believe within three months found a law school in Monterey, applied, got accepted, found a place to live and was able to relocate her job with the same company to the area. Talk about an amazing self transformation!

I couldn't sleep so I decided to rebalance my meager IRA. My gold mutual fund has doubled and my energy mutual fund is about to double, but my poor treasury fund was going nowhere so I cashed out and sold it it on Monday.

Tonight or rather tomorrow I will be buying shares of:

BHP - BHP Billiton Limited, together with its subsidiaries, engages in mining, drilling, and processing mineral resources. It produces iron ore, copper, nickel metal, manganese, diamonds, silver, titanium, aluminium, and uranium. The company also engages in the exploration, production, and development of oil and natural gas in Australia, the United Kingdom, the United States, Algeria, Trinidad and Tobago, and Pakistan. The company also exports metallurgical coal for the steel industry, and energy coal. In addition, it has exploration interests in the United States, Australia, Trinidad and Tobago, Pakistan, Algeria, Brunei Darussalam, South Africa, Canada, and the Philippines. BHP Billiton Limited was founded in 1885 and is headquartered in Melbourne, Australia.

SSRI - Silver Standard Resources, Inc., an exploration stage company, engages in the acquisition and exploration of silver properties in Argentina, Australia, Canada, Chile, Mexico, Peru, and the United States. Its principal mineral properties comprise the Pirquitas Project in the Province of Jujuy, Argentina; and the Pitarrilla Project in Durango State, Mexico. Silver Standard Resources also owns interests in the Bowdens Project in Australia; the Shafter Silver Project in Texas, the United States; and in the San Luis Project in the Ancash Department of Peru. In addition, it holds tertiary mineral property interests in the Diablillos Project in Argentina, the Berenguela Project in Peru, the right to acquire the Veta Colorada Project in Mexico, the Challacollo Project in Chile, a 55% interest in the Maverick Springs Project in northern Nevada, the San Marcial Project in Mexico, the San Agustin Property in Mexico, the Silvertip Property in northern British Columbia, Canada, and the Sunrise Lake Deposit in the Northwest Territories, Canada. Further, the company holds long-term property interests in the Candelaria mine in west central Nevada and the Sulphurets Project in British Columbia, Canada. Silver Standard Resources has strategic alliance with Minco Silver Corporation to pursue silver opportunities in the People’s Republic of China, and an agreement with Esperanza Silver Corporation for the evaluation of mineral prospects in central Peru. The company was incorporated in 1946 as Silver Standard Mines, Limited and changed its name to Silver Standard Mines Limited in 1979. Further, it changed its name to Consolidated Silver Standard Mines Limited in 1984 and to Silver Standard Resources, Inc. in 1990. The company is headquartered in Vancouver, Canada.

BGO - Bema Gold Corporation engages in the mining and production of gold and silver; and the acquisition, exploration, and development of precious metals properties principally in the Russian Federation, South Africa, and Chile. Its principal assets include a 79% interest in the Julietta Mine, a gold and silver underground mine in Russia; a 100% interest in the Petrex underground and open pit gold mines, South Africa; a 50% interest in the Refugio Mine in Chile, a previously producing open pit, heap leach gold mine; a 24% interest in the Aldebaran property in Chile, which includes the Cerro Casale deposit, an development stage gold-copper deposit in Chile; and a 75% interest in the construction stage Kupol gold and silver project in northeast Russia. The company also has indirect interests in the East Pansky platinum-palladium exploration property in Russia; and the Mill Canyon and related gold exploration properties in Nevada. In addition, it has a 70% interest in a gold property at Monument Bay in Manitoba, Canada; the 100% owned Quebrada gold property in Chile; and the 100% owned Yarnell gold property in Arizona. The company was founded in 1988 and is headquartered in Vancouver, Canada.

XMSR - XM Satellite Radio Holdings, Inc. operates as a satellite radio service company primarily in the United States. It provides music, news, talk, information, entertainment, and sports programming for reception by vehicle, home, and portable radios, as well as over the Internet to approximately 6 million subscribers. The company provides XM NavTraffic, a satellite traffic data service that provides real-time traffic information; and XM WX satellite weather service that offers graphical data weather service to the marine and aviation markets. XM Satellite Radio Holdings also offers XM Radio for the automobile industry. In addition, it provides online service, including online music purchase and playlist management capability. As of January 31, 2006, XM Satellite Radio operated approximately 160 channels, including 67 commercial-free music channels; 34 news, talk, and entertainment channels; 39 sports channels; 21 instant traffic and weather channels; and 1 emergency alert channel. The company markets its services through various distribution channels, including automotive manufacturers and dealers, national and regional electronics retailers, car audio dealers, and mass retailers and rental car companies. XM Satellite Radio Holdings was founded in 1992 and is headquartered in Washington, District Of Columbia.

I wanted to buy shares of SU or Suncor, but it was selling at around $88. I should have bought some shares last year when it was trading at $40 something. Oh well! Suncor Energy, Inc. operates as an integrated energy company in Canada. It operates through four segments: Oil Sands, Natural Gas, Energy Marketing and Refining, and Refining and Marketing. The Oil Sands segment offers light sweet crude oil/diesel and light sour crude oil/bitumen. The Natural Gas segment explores, develops, produces, and supplies natural gas, natural gas liquids, and crude oil. The Energy Marketing and Refining segment refines, transports, and markets petroleum and petrochemical products, such as gasoline, jet fuel, diesel, heating fuels, heavy fuel oils, and petrochemicals to industrial, commercial, wholesale, and refining customers. The Refining and Marketing segment refines and markets transportation fuels, including gasoline, jet fuel, diesel, and asphalt. The company was formerly known as Suncor, Inc. Suncor Energy was founded in 1953 and is headquartered in Calgary, Canada.

I have 30% invested in energy stocks which I think is fine for now, and about 40% invested in gold, silver and mining stocks, with the other 30% in some new technologies and pharmaceutical stocks.

Depending on how much money I have left after my trades tomorrow. I will probably pick another silver stock, PAAS. Pan American Silver Corp. engages in the exploration, acquisition, development, and operation of silver mines. It has mining operations in Mexico, Peru, Argentina, and Bolivia; and has non producing silver resources in the United States and Argentina. The company owns and operates the Quiruvilca silver mine, the Huaron silver mine, and the Morococha silver mine in Peru; La Colorada Mine, Mexico; and San Vincente, Bolivia. Its development projects include the Alamo Dorado silver project in Mexico and Manantial Espejo in Argentina. The company’s products include silver rich zinc, lead and copper concentrates, and silver/gold ore. The company, formerly known as Pan American Energy Corporation, was incorporated in 1979 and changed its name to Pan American Silver Corp. in 1995. Pan American Silver is headquartered in Vancouver, Canada.

I will also probably pick up some shares of NG or NovaGold. NovaGold Resources, Inc., through its wholly-owned subsidiaries and joint ventures, engages in the exploration and development of mineral properties in North America. As of November 30, 2005, the company had interests in Donlin Creek gold property, which contained a measured and indicated resource estimated at 14 million ounces of gold, and an additional inferred resource of approximately 14 million ounces of gold in southwestern Alaska; the Galore Creek property that included an indicated resource estimated at approximately 5.9 million ounces of gold, 6.8 billion pounds of copper, and 76 million ounces of silver, as well as an additional inferred resource estimate of 7.8 million ounces of gold, 5.2 billion pounds of copper, and 81 million ounces of silver in northwest British Columbia; the Rock Creek property, which comprised of approximately 100,000 ounces of gold in Nome, Alaska; Ambler project that contained resources of 817,000 ounces of gold, 3.2 billion pounds of copper, 4.2 billion pounds of zinc, and 6.2 million ounces of silver in Alaska; Big Hurrah; and Nome Gold properties in Nome, Alaska. NovaGold Resources also sells sand, gravel, and land. The company was incorporated in 1984 as 1562756 Nova Scotia Limited. It changed its name to NovaCan Mining Resources (l985) Limited in 1985 and to NovaGold Resources, Inc. in 1987. NovaGold Resources is headquartered in Vancouver, Canada.

I am recoving from a sinus infection. I've had it off and since Tuesday and spent a horrible weekend in bed coughing and hacking. I have that disgusting post nasal drip where hot stuff drips down into my throat (it's bacteria I'm told) and makes me cough till I cry. I went home early from work yesterday because people kept coming into my cube to ask me if I was okay. I think they wanted me to go home because I sounded disgustig and they thought I was flooding the floor with germs.

It's not so bad today, but I'm still hacking a bit.

I am still in mourning over M-Square. My angel reader from Southern California called me at work today and I told her that M-Square and I broke up. She said that although M-Square is my univeral soul partner and was created especially for me 5 billion years ago, he is no longer in the light. She said he left the light 700,000 years ago and because of this, our relationship will always be a struggle so she was not too surprised it was over. M-Square is very spiritual but I'm not sure he really believes in God, JC, a higher power or whatever. He has that "I can do it all myself" attitude, which is a sure sign of an "unbeliever" and does not make for very good relationship or marriage material. Relationships and marriage are hard enough, without a person thinking it's all up to them. I remember her warning me that M-Square needed to reconnect to God for it to ever work for us. I think he has a little, but maybe not enough.

My friend S at work told me last week (she's every intuitive) that M-Square misses me, but that he's very, very messed up. She kept asking me why I wanted to be with such a messed up person because I could so much better than him.

My angel reader told me that I have another universal soul partner out there, who was created 300, 000 years ago especially for me and that I will meet him in the next two years. She said she knew I must be suffering because it's hard to let someone go who's been around you for 4 billion and 300,000 years. No kidding! I had to run off to a meeting and she ended our call by saying "I hope what I've said gives you some peace."

My aunt called yesterday to tell me she will be a volunteer when the Dalai Lama visits San Francisco on Saturday. He is having some kind of private gathering with invited guests, and my aunt by marriage's sister is one the invite list. My aunt told me that the Dalai Lama has agreed to meet with the volunteers for the events, and even though my aunt hasn't the foggiest idea about meditation or tibetan buddhism, she is excited to be meeting him.

She also told me some disturbing news. My other aunt, who lives on Kauai, told her that she has been praying that M-Square and I break up. When I heard the news, I was like "what the fbomb?" Why would my aunt be doing that? I think the woman is just so evil. She knew I was so happy that M-Square and I were together, and I think she was jealous that I was happy because her two own two daughters are still living at home and not likely any time soon to be married. God, the whole thing just creeps me out and made me realize that I really can't trust my family. I was starting to think things were getting better since my grandma died, but the dysfunctional family dynamic is still alive and kicking.

My aunt and my real mother were rivals, and even though my mom has been dead these many years, I think my aunt is still carrying on the rivalry. Like whatever! All of my siblings, except for my one sister are living on their own. And my one sister can't help it because she has a learning disability that was never diagnosed or treated when she was a child, and we all think it was caused because my mother took some medical drug she wasn't supposed when she was pregnant with my sister and the poor kid's brain never fully developed.

Not my cousins. They were totally all born normal in a normal household with a mother and father and two dogs. My uncle was a doctor for crying out loud, yet my cousins still live at home. My cousin the lawyer doesn't need to live at home, and only does it because she's saving to buy a condo. But my other cousin who is older than me still lives at home with my evil aunt. My boy cousin doesn't live at home, but my aunt has to send him rent money every month because he doesn't make enough money to cover his expenses and the guy has to have his own apartment, so he might as well be living at home.

Right now I am so mad at my aunt. I just cannot tell these members of the family anything because they have never wished me well and whenever I hear what they're saying about me, it's never been very good. But my aunt praying that M-Square and I break up has to take the evil cake prize. She is like so catholic too, I don't know how she can sit in her church and not be struck down by god. She knew I was happy, and that I was looking forward to moving down to LA and marrying my M-Square. What a bitch that woman is! She had no good reason to pray for our breakup, other than her own evilness and jealousy!

I heard this song while driving around yesterday in the rain "Doing too Much" by Paula Deanda. I was googling the song and she has an official website where you can hear the song - Paula Deanda.

This is the theme song of my relationship with M-Square. The guys goes "just leave your name and number and I'm going to holler at ya". Yep, that's me.

I'm leaving messages and voicemails Telling you I miss you
Baby am I doing to much
Why you tryna diss me When I just wanna kiss you
Baby am I doing to much,
Tell me what's the issue Who I give these lips to
Baby am I doing to much
This is turning into Something I ain't hip to
Baby am I doing to much

I remember a character in a televison show talking about losing his love and he said like "it doesn't matter if you've had a few months or four hundred years together, it's never enough time." I never knew what he meant until now.

It doesn't matter that M-Square and I only had a few months together. A few months or thirty years, at the end I think I would be thinking the same thoughts I am now - "that we didn't have enough time."

Speaking about Muni, I watched the Muni fare inspectors this week bust four people on the train for not having a transfer or a Fastpass. Two inspectors came on two separate days and each time busted two people. And at the height of morning rush hour, they are not busting bums or other people you think are taking advantage of the system. They are giving tickets out to people wearing very expensive suits and carrying very expensive bags.

I can't believe these people. The Fastpass only cost $45 a month and if you're going to work every day, you should get one. It makes me wonder how many other well-heeled Muni patrons are working the system and riding for free and just not getting caught. Or, maybe they just don't pay on the way to work and only pay going home. Still! These people are the reason Muni is losing money and threatening to raise the monthly pass fees. Muni was at least breaking even when they had a driver on every train, but then probably some knucklehead on our city council living in some fairy-tale world of their decided that San Francisco people are honest and Muni could run more efficiently on the honor system. WRONG!

You know I don't mind that bums or poor people ride for free because those people cannot really afford to pay, but I get really upset when I see a woman with a $400 handbag and wearing $1,000 worth of clothes and jewelry getting busted for not having a monthly pass in the morning. Dang! It's only $45. That woman probably doesn't wear anything that costs under $100, and yet she's jerking the system and riding for free!

People who work in downtown San Francisco hate the train inspectors because they think it's stupid to bust people during the morning and evening rush hour. It's a nuisance and I know everyone thinks that no one is that dishonorable enough to ride for free. But from what I saw this week, I hope everyone is getting that there are quite a few dishonset people or quite a few people dumb enough to get caught without a pass or transfer.

This is the first day since last Saturday that I've felt a little happier. This last week has been so hard! I missed M-Square so much, and was practically crying at work when my friend S and I were exchanging emails about him. She told me not to get discouraged, but it just made me miss the guy even more! And then on Friday, I started thinking about M-Square and tears were coming out of my eyes on Muni. Nothing beats crying on public transportation during the Friday night rush hour. People stare at you with genuine pity in their eyes. God only knows what they must be thinking.

I am definitely processing something in my mind because I have been having the wildest, wildest dreams. I dreamt my grandparents were still alive and so was our old neighbour, Mr. Murakami. He had these amazing manicured gardens with all these bonsai plants. The man was truly a gardner artist, but boy did he hate dogs. My grandparents swore the man poisoned all of our dogs because they kept getting into his gardens and doing their morning and evening routines. In the dream, my grandparents were laughing because Mr. Murakami was screaming and throwing dog poo back in our yard saying it belonged to our dog. My granparents were just laughing and rolling their eyes. I don't know if this was a real memory that I dreamed about or just some kind of weird dream.

On a better note, I did my taxes today and I am getting a huge refund! I haven't filed them yet, because I want to think about the deductions I'm taking but I think I am getting at least $700-800 back. And I'm getting a refund from the State of California for once.

I thought for sure I was going to owe money, which is why I've waited this long to do my taxes so I was pleasantly surprised to find out I am getting such a big refund. I claim two on my exemptions, which I was supposed to switch back to one in July but kept forgetting about. When I claimed two exemtions in 2004 I screwed myself over tax wise, but not this year.

That business license I got last year has really workjed out for me tax wise. It is definitely the way to go. I wrote off my beading classes and beading supplies, and then decided to write off all of my writing classes as well because I earned some money doing a little writing gig last year. I earned $35 working as a film panel person at the Academy of Art College for my ex-screenwriting teacher. My business license says "wholesales sales" but I think writing qualifies under my business license, don't you think?

I'm thinking I should actually switch my business license to writer, if there is such a thing. Then I could start writing off not only writing classes, but books as well. Maybe I will even write off movie tickets as research. My brother says owning your own business is the best thing a person can do to not pay too many taxes. He writes off his gym membership, clothing, his car, food, you name it, and the boy writes it off. But then he really does have a legitimate business with a few employees. But he says I can do it as well. He told me I should write off my trip to Hawaii as a business expense for my beading business, because I was showing my jewerly off to friends I know who own shops. They even asked me if I was going to make more and were very interested in selling them. Not sure if they were serious or not or just being polite, but my brother said that our interaction would qualify as a business meeting. He is so funny!

I'm so mad at myself today. I let the batttery on my palm tungsten E die out, and I lost a ton of information! And stupid, stupid me, didn't back my palm up since last summer so I've lost about 8 months worth of information. I lost the list of books I've been reading for 2005 and for 2006. I lost all of my appointments, and can only remember three I have this month so if I have anything personally scheduled after April, well, I just hope I remember them. What else? My list of movies seen for 2005 and 2006, and all my financial information that I've been storing on my Palm., which thank God I think can replaced if I spend a month re-entering everything.

But I'm mostly pissed at the list of books and movies that I've lost. God, this is the first time I've let my palm die ever! I am so pissed at myself right now! I'm going to have spend a whole month I think trying to re-enter everything. What a horrid, horrid, stupid thing to do!

But thank god it wasn't worse! At least I haven't lost any of my writing. I think there might have been one or two writing things on my Palm, but nothing too terribly important I think.

Something fun has been happening at work, although I would hardly call it a flirtation. I received an email last Friday from a new manager in another division requesting some material for a presentation he was working on. I sent it to him on Friday and on Monday he sent me an email with some questions, which I needed permission from one of my bosses to release the information he was asking for. I ended up calling the guy on Monday at around 5 pm thinking he would be gone for the day and I could leave a message.

We ended up talking fo about 45 minutes about his presentation and the information I sent to him. Then on Tuesday, the guy pops by my cube and we end up talking for another hour and 45 minutes. He had emailed me his powerpoint presentation and he wanted to show it to me himself when I told him I hadn't even had the chance to look at it yet.

Wow, the time just flew by and next thing I know he wants to google a night time image of the US and we're both staring at my PC at a night time image of the US and commenting about where there are lights and no lights on the map. How weird was that? The guy kept saying he couldn't stay long and then ended pulling up an empty chair so he could talk to me. Then when I walked him to the door of our floor, we kept chatting about other business related matters.

This guy is such a trip. He's young, just got his MBA from the University of Michigan from the way he talks, and grew up in Ann Arbor. He was proud to tell me he was a free market capitalist, which translates into San Francisco Bay Area speak as "Republican". The guy must have learnt something from living here because he knows he just can't announce to a girl in San Francisco that he's a "Republican" without suffering the consequences of that act. I just laughed when he told me that because I knew exactly what he was talking about. So funny! I mean, what else kind of guy would pay for his own personal subscription to The Wall Street Journal?

And yes, the guy is attractive. He's nice and big which I like, and he's a brown-eyed blondie which has always been a favourite type of mine only because brown-eyed blondie boys are so rare. Too bad he works in my company is all I can say.

But he is so darned nice. Today he comes to my cube on a break from a training session he's in and hands me a video of 60 Minutes shows he's tivoed and thought I might be interested in watching because they were all on healthcare. How sweet was that?

I am having major flashbacks with this guy because I have dated way too many guys like him in my past; the frat boy, republican type. Wanna bet the guy wears boxers and shorts with his boxers hanging out? Most of the guys I dated in college and beyond were like this guy, the typical what my friend Shari in college used to call "Bowdoin preppy"; the kind of chubby, happy go lucky, very charming, opinionated and a great conversationalist, always neatly and preppily dressed, republican frat boy. These guys always look squeeky clean, smell good, always pay, can totally talk your ear 0ff and charm your panties off to boot at the same time, until the next thing you know it's the morning and y0u're waking up buttt naked in an expensively furnished room and the guy is handing you an aspirin and a glass of water to cure your hangover with the biggest grin on his face. And you're like thinking to yourself, how the hell did this happen?

I had a long talk with my friend S today at work. She thinks I need to move on and forget about M-Square. She thinks there is someone better on the way, and that M-Square will never change and I just need to forget about him. S thinks M-Square has way too many problems and that his vibration is so below mine that the universe took him away from me. S also thinks that I will always be a reminder to M-Square of just how low his vibe is compared to mine and that this situation doesn't make for a relationship.

I know M-Square had problems when I first met him. I know I should have just backed away in the first two weeks, especially when he started telling me more about himself but I didn't. There seemed to such a goodness inside of him that was so unmistakable. I feel like Padme in Star Wars when she says about Darth Vader "There is still goodness inside of him, I can feel it." I think even Princess Leia said this about father as well.

But I couldn't back away. We just seemed to fit, and I know we were soul mates, still are soul mates, but maybe not meant to be together in this lifetime. I don't know.

It's been two months and I still miss him terribly, especially this week. I don't think I missed him much in March as I am missing him this week so very, very much. But realistically, the chances of him changing and getting his act together are slim to none. It 's so hard for people to change, really hard. It is a super-human effort to be spiritual when you haven't been trying to be spiritual your whole life. I've been spiritual most of my life so I don't think I can even relate someone starting their journey on the spiritual path this late in life. I can only guess it would be so hard.

Even if God gave you the cosmic slap upside your head, it would still be so hard. I suppose a person could change, but maybe not enough to be at my level. This is S's theory about M-Square. She thinks people just can't change. But it's so unfair because I really, really liked him and I thought he really liked me. No, I know he really liked me but maybe we just weren't mean to be. God my heart breaks when I think about us not being together.

I feel like it's been centuries since our souls have been together, and to lose him again now after not having been with him for so long is just horrifying and unpalatable to my soul, my heart and my whole being. But I know I have to partner with someone. I realized today I cannot accomplish what I want do with my life unless I'm in a partnership with a guy. Some women can go it alone. I wish to God I was one of them, but I'm not. I need the balance of energies that being in a partnership brings, the stabalization, the companionship. Yes, I am a spiritual warrior, but I know I cannot go it alone.

But this much I know, my heart will keep on breaking till the universe brings another compatible man into my life. And sadly when that event happens, I will forget all about M-Square. It will be like he never existed and I will say to myself and all my friends, "it was God's grace that we are not together because this new guy is so much better."

And I know deep down I won't have to wait 14 years for another amazing guy to come into my life. I don't have the time and the world doesn't have the time for me to wait another 14 years. The new guy will come and I think he will come soon. I just wish with every fiber of my being that the "new guy" is the old M-Square changed, but I'm not sure if this kind of miracle exists in the world for us.

My department is such a soap opera. We have a new director who started on March 2o, and people are just going bonkers! My boss' boss is already spreading rumors about the poor guy and how bad he is, and worse yet, he found out that she is spreading the rumors.

I am really disgusted, seriously! I would be mortified if my boss found out I was spreading rumors about her. It's willfull and so evil, and it's kind of thing I thought only existed in movies. But no! It's happening right in my department. What a zoo this place is!

I am doing a little geographical escape myself and moving to a better cube. If you can't switch jobs, just move cubes. Nothing like a little location change.

Every time I look at the woman, my boss' boss who is spreading malicious rumors about her boss, I just see a really evil person. I can't help it. S thinks it's because my boss' boss is so scared that the new director guy is going to make changes that she is desperately doing this evil, evil thing. I nearly jumped out of my skin this afternoon when she came to my cube to ask me something.

I'm like, I wonder what rumors she's been spreading about me. M-Square was dead-on when he told me chances for career advancement were less than zero because I so do not get along with my boss' boss. The woman practically hates me because she was supposed to be the best writer in the group until I came along. A producer friend from LA said I should get used it, because if I ever become a paid writer I will generate a ton of hate from unpublished writers who think they can write better than me. Whatever!

God, I hope I don't ever get that desperate and scared at a job that I have to resort to spreading evil and false rumors about my boss. This company, any company I think, is way too small to be doing that kind of thing. And I'm like how did the new director guy find out? She must have told someone who she thought wouldn't rat on her. You so cannot trust anybody at work, can you?

My friend S from work came over to visit, and we had dinner at the vegan kosher chinese restaurant near my place called Shangri La. They have probably the best vegan dinner for $22 for 2 people. They serve spring rolls, soup, two dishes with purple/brown rice and fried banana for desert. It is such a deal!

S and I have so much in common. We both love blue and white dishes and London. She used to live in Penzance England, although she grew up in Montreal and all her family is in NYC. She's a long time meditator like me, and I think she was a fairy girl in one of her previous lives.

It's nice to make a new friend that you have so much in common with. Plus she's into this thing called Human Design, which is kind of astrology but totally different. She and I and projectors. She is very sensitive and very psychic.

I've only known here since December, but when we get together it's like we've know each other for years. She is writing a novel that I think will be a bestseller when she gets it published. She told me tonight about an idea for another novel she wants to write based on a woman she met and cared for who was Austrian and survivor of Auschwitz.

It was so weird to meet someone else who is as interested in Holocaust history as I am. We both think we were killed/gased during the Holocaust in a preveious life. She laughed because I say the word "Auschwitz" with a perfect german accent. I wonder if I died there. One of these days, I would like to travel to visit all the Holocaust camps to see if I have any dejavu experience at one of them. I know when I do, it will mean that I died at that particular death camp.

When I told her I thought I was flapper girl in NYC, she giggled and said she had a psychic vision of my previous life. I love music from that era, always have, even though I did not have exposure to it until I read my first F. Scott Fitzgerald short story. I used to really be into F. Scott!