I had a long talk with my friend S today at work. She thinks I need to move on and forget about M-Square. She thinks there is someone better on the way, and that M-Square will never change and I just need to forget about him. S thinks M-Square has way too many problems and that his vibration is so below mine that the universe took him away from me. S also thinks that I will always be a reminder to M-Square of just how low his vibe is compared to mine and that this situation doesn't make for a relationship.

I know M-Square had problems when I first met him. I know I should have just backed away in the first two weeks, especially when he started telling me more about himself but I didn't. There seemed to such a goodness inside of him that was so unmistakable. I feel like Padme in Star Wars when she says about Darth Vader "There is still goodness inside of him, I can feel it." I think even Princess Leia said this about father as well.

But I couldn't back away. We just seemed to fit, and I know we were soul mates, still are soul mates, but maybe not meant to be together in this lifetime. I don't know.

It's been two months and I still miss him terribly, especially this week. I don't think I missed him much in March as I am missing him this week so very, very much. But realistically, the chances of him changing and getting his act together are slim to none. It 's so hard for people to change, really hard. It is a super-human effort to be spiritual when you haven't been trying to be spiritual your whole life. I've been spiritual most of my life so I don't think I can even relate someone starting their journey on the spiritual path this late in life. I can only guess it would be so hard.

Even if God gave you the cosmic slap upside your head, it would still be so hard. I suppose a person could change, but maybe not enough to be at my level. This is S's theory about M-Square. She thinks people just can't change. But it's so unfair because I really, really liked him and I thought he really liked me. No, I know he really liked me but maybe we just weren't mean to be. God my heart breaks when I think about us not being together.

I feel like it's been centuries since our souls have been together, and to lose him again now after not having been with him for so long is just horrifying and unpalatable to my soul, my heart and my whole being. But I know I have to partner with someone. I realized today I cannot accomplish what I want do with my life unless I'm in a partnership with a guy. Some women can go it alone. I wish to God I was one of them, but I'm not. I need the balance of energies that being in a partnership brings, the stabalization, the companionship. Yes, I am a spiritual warrior, but I know I cannot go it alone.

But this much I know, my heart will keep on breaking till the universe brings another compatible man into my life. And sadly when that event happens, I will forget all about M-Square. It will be like he never existed and I will say to myself and all my friends, "it was God's grace that we are not together because this new guy is so much better."

And I know deep down I won't have to wait 14 years for another amazing guy to come into my life. I don't have the time and the world doesn't have the time for me to wait another 14 years. The new guy will come and I think he will come soon. I just wish with every fiber of my being that the "new guy" is the old M-Square changed, but I'm not sure if this kind of miracle exists in the world for us.