I'm starting up writing again. But it's just so depressing. I feel like I am climbing up this huge, huge mountain and I have no idea how am I going to get up to the summit. But there's this something inside of me that says I need to keep slogging away and that it doesn't matter whether I am successful or not; the point is to keep trying.

THIS IS HUGE FOR ME! I like being successful. I have been very successful in my own way at so many things. I hate this. It's like the first time I got a C in college. Talk about shocking. I mean I got a C in art class, but that was because I couldn't draw. Getting that grade was a huge wake up call, and I never got a C again ever. I hate failure! It sucks!

Writing is such a huge process. The writing of anything is such a process. I just submitted three writing pieces for the self-published book that my writing group in Carmel wants to put out, and they were so hard to write. I felt like I was leaving pieces of my soul on the page. When I read each piece out loud to edit, I thought I was going to cry. I could hear the pain in my words, the sadness. I was reliving my own memories by reading my own writing.

And I hate getting emotional. I'm an aquarian, and I have five planets in aquarius, which means I am air sign. NO EMOTION. Emotions are weird, they are what other people have, and there I was having them.

I feel like I am back in acting class when I wrote my monologue piece, Art is Scary. The exercise was to write what we felt about our art, and I wrote "art is scary because he makes me do things I don't want to do." I left acting because I couldn't lay my soul bare on stage without a lot of work, without completely letting go. And I could let go, and I did let go, but it was so tiring, and honestly, I didn't know if I could do it night after night on stage like how you are supposed to do in acting.

So I went to writing because my acting teacher told me I could let go easier on the page than I ever could on stage. But I don't know if he was right. It's hard to let to go, and writing is way worse than acting because if you write every day it means having to let go every day. And some days I'm just way too tired to let go. Letting go taxes not only my brain but makes me get emotional, and I'm not supposed to be an emotional person.

I just got something. Okay, I'm not a normally emotional person but I understand how and why people get emotional and I'm thinking I can use this understanding somehow and translate it into my writing. There is something here for me which I have to explore.

I am just rambling now and indulging in a little, okay maybe more than a little self pity. BOO HOO for me, poor struggling writer. Thank god I've got a semi-decent job so at least I don't have a lot of economic stress in my life. Or maybe I'm just a lazy git and I just so hate writing every day. It's like exercising every day. Sometimes I'm in the mood to do it every day and sometime I'm not. Writing is getting like exercise for me. Sometimes I'm in the mood and sometimes I'm not.

It was so shocking to read this afternoon that Natasha Richardson had passed on. She was so young, way to young to die. I had a skiing accident while taking my first ski lesson on the kiddie slopes and it messed up my knee so bad, that I haven't been able to really run because of the injury since that time. My left knee was pretty banged up to start from playing basketball in highschool, and then getting water in my knee from playing field hockey in college. But the ski injury was the worse.

My prayers go out to Natasha's friends and family, especially for her husband Liam Neeson and her two sons. It's so, so, very tragic.

I am really getting into American Idol this year. I was a little bit into it last year, and I sort of faded after the auditions. I love the nationwide auditions which can sometimes be the best shows of the season. However this year, there are so many cuties that I am going to watch. David Cook wasn't even good looking last year till he got a new hair cut.

Memo to American Idol guys: It's a sad truth but on a not so hot guy, a good hair cut can transform you into hottie status. David Cook is a prime example. I think I read somewhere that people thought David Cook was just an ordinary schlubby looking kind of chubby dude, then he got a great hair cut and the next think you know, he wins American Idol. Not that David Archuleta wasn't cute, but he was way too young to fantasize about for the not in your teens set.

Season 8 has three decent hotties with great hair:
Danny Gokey - midwestern, great hair, great voice, love the glasses, chubby cute nerdy types with talent and an in-your-face sweet personality is any girl's fantasy. Plus, poor dude has lost his wife so he totally brings out the sympathy vote. The guy is a church choir director, can it get any better? He is a keeper in every way.

Kris Allen - wow, he is a really cute, I'd be screaming too if I was in the theater, plus the man can definitely sing and comes across as so sincere, love the tousled just got of bed gelled hair, works for me.

Adam Lambert - best hair out of all the guys, he's a rocker dude but not so dirty and drugged out or liquored up, plus unbelievable heavy metal singing voice, have you seen his parents, not sure where he got his looks from but it definitely wasn't them or that dad of his just has so let himself go in his middle age.

I love Anoop Desai, the guy can sing and it's so fun that he' s hindu india because it's kind of their year with "Slumdog Millonaire" getting the Oscar and Bobby Jindal become one of the up and coming stars of the GOP. But I don't think Anoop is going to win because he just doesn't have the stage presence of Danny, Kris or Adam. Those guys know how to work a stage all the time, and with Anoop it's just hit or miss.

I'm thinking it's going be an all guy top 5 which is fine by me.

Speaking of the guys, when some of them stand next to Ryan Seacrest you get to see how short and skinny that man really is. OMG, Anoop and Adam totally tower over him and they look so much bigger next to him.

And Simon is adorable as ever. I think he wants to date Paula but that would be such an odd match because they are so different. Love the new judge although I think can be as cruel as Simon.

I loved that the guys sang Michael Jackson songs. It's so weird to hear Michael Jackson songs sung by guys with more masculine voices. The songs are so different and they have such a different vibe.

How much money do you think the American Idol producers and iTunes are getting for selling the songs and performances. I didn't get into buying the songs or videos last year, but I am lining their pockets this year. I wonder if the contestants are getting money for these songs and performances.

I was a huge F. Scott Fitzgerald fan in my younger days and thought I had read all of his works, but I don't remember his short story "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button". I might have to find this story at the library and read it. Short stories were F. Scott's best writing pieces. His last novel really turned off towards him. He was a brilliant writer but towards the end of his career he just became a little too self-indulgent for my taste.

My new calendar shows the jewish holiday of PURIM coming up on Tuesday March 10. It reminded me of this book I read in college called "The Trial of God" by Elie Wiesel.

From a review on Amazon.com
"As with all of Elie Wiesel's work, the central premise is to explore the question of Jews and their suffering throughout history. "The Trial of God" is an interesting departure from his better-known works, in that it is a drama, a play staged during the Jewish holiday of Purim. Based on events that Wiesel witnessed while in Auschwitz, "The Trial of God" accuses the Creator of the Universe of being guilty of neglect to his chosen people. And even though the trial takes place in the seventeenth century, the modern world is very much alive in the facts and accusations."

I loved this play when I read it which was years ago, and I'm wondering if I need to read it again in honor of Purim holiday to know if my reaction might have changed with the passing years.

Check it out on amazon.com - The Trial of God by Elie Wiesel.

So here's my cynical take on what is going to happen in 2012.

Everyone says that people on this planet are developing psychic abilities as we get closer to 2012. You know, stuff like channeling, intuition, manifesting things that you want, getting one or more or all the clairs - clairvoyance (visions of the future), clairaudient (voices telling you what the future is), clairsentience (feeling the future in your body, something smells bad, etc), claircognizance (gut feeling, knowing why but not knowing how you know, you just know), etc.

So that's a good thing right? In theory yes, but in reality not really. Hollywood really is a predictor of future trends because the movie "Bruce Almighty" sort of outlined what would happen if people all of sudden got "god-like" powers.

Things kind of went haywire when Bruce played god. He didn't really have discernment, he didn't think the consequences through of what he was doing, he acted out of a selfish place with his god-like powers.

Okay, now think of having enhanced psychic ability kinda sorta similar to playing god. Don't you think that we are going to have a planet going haywire? I think that kind of world has already started.

If you've ever meditated, ever studied spiritual topics, you know that having enhanced psychic abilities requires a person to be pure, mature, and to have discernment so as not to use your abilities to do harm. You have to be in the light, act out of an unselfish place, have light down to the adamantine particles of your being, so you're not acting out of a dark place.

What if the people getting all these great abilities weren't that pure, weren't of the light? What kind of world do you think these people couldn't help but create? I mean it's not like these people are evil, no far from it, they just aren't mostly light.

To me 2012 is going to be about are you in the light and for the light, or are you not of light and of darkness instead. It's your choice. You have a choice at every moment to make a decision from a place of light and not from darkness. I didn't say good, because the light is not always about being good. The light is about making the best decision for everyone involved, and sometimes for some people it will not look like to them a good decision.

And 2012 will be about the great sorting of these two groups.

Okay, seriously, why can't I find a spiritual new-agey, chubby, happy go lucky, totally charming frat boy to love? I know this type exists, I've met them and they were all taken. DAMN!!! All the good ones are truly taken.

But I know my very spiritual new-agey, very happy go lucky, chubby frat boy is out there somewhere, looking for me like I am looking for him.

He's clean cut, he's not a dirty hippy boy, he's a guy-guy who loves football and is not wimpy and not too thin. He is sweet, totally smart, and is way smarter than me, and he is most importantly, spiritual, he's aware, he's open to everything and anything, is intuitive and is knowledgable about all the new-agey stuff and if not knowledgable open to exploring it all.

Onto to another interesting topic. One of the speakers on that panel was really, really cute. My friends and I think he was kind of staring at us, but we don't know which one of us he was looking at. Not sure if I was me because my two San Diego friends are both blonde, blue eyed and busty as all get out. They are like typical SoCal girls and so much fun to hang with.

Or maybe he wasn't looking at us at all really. I mean after all, we were sitting in the front row. The guy has been lecturing for 10 years so I am sure he just checks out his audiences just for the heck of it.

Still, there is something to him that is so fascinating. One of my San Diego's friend's son came to the Expo and was telling my friend his mom how to get a relationship she really wants. He told her to write down everything she liked in all her past relationships in red ink on a piece of paper and keep it closer to her and read it every day. This process will help to manifest a guy exactly like on the piece of paper.

So anyway, here's what going on. I never really got to meet the cutie panel guy because his lecture was sold out and he didn't really talk to very many people. The more I research the cutie panel guy the more he seems to have all the qualities I liked about all my ex's. And I don't know what to think about that. Is this someone I need to get to know better? Part of me says yes and another part of me says no.

The NO part says that, okay, he's got all the things you like in all your old loves but do you want to go down that road again, haven't you already been there, done that and it's never worked out, what makes you think it will work out this time, isn't that the definition of insanity, doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome.

The YES part says, it doesn't matter what you think he might or not be, the guy is interesting, you could learn something from him, like how to combine the practical and spiritual, and he does have interesting things to say, and you never know, he's not quite what you want, not in a million years ever, but you never know.

So I think I am like having such a school girl crush on her very intersting professor. Haven't had one of those in years and it's kind of sweet, kind of stupid, kind of fun, kind of weird, and hopefully harmless. It's just a crush right?

Check out the video from the Conscious Life Expo - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CJl41hUgymM.

I felt like blogging today only because I am supposed to be working on my screenplay so I can submit it to this website, and blogging feels like a lovely distraction right now.

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets is on right now, and they just had the scene with the spiders which always gives me the shivers. I hate spiders, real or imagined.

I had what I think could be termed a life-changing experience last month, although the jury is still out on how much a life change it will be.

On February 2 I received an email about the Conscious Life Expo in Los Angeles which was happening on Valentine's Day weekend. On a whim, I decided to fly down to attend because one of the tour guides from my Peru/Easter Island trip, Sean David Morton, was lecturing on Sunday. I was also thinking that the people who were on my Peru/Easter Island trip would also be there, and it would so much fun to see them again.

I am such a whim follower that I bought my plane ticket, booked a hotel room at the Hilton LAX where the Expo was being held shortly thereafter. It is so exciting and fun for me to fly somewhere to check something out that I am interested in, even if just for a couple of days. I hope I never lose the thrill of exploring new things.

We have the same version here in San Francisco called the New Living Expo and I've been attending this event for years, but I've never been to a similar event outside of the SF Bay Area.

Sure enough, there were two women from San Diego who had driven up to see Sean, and it was so great to connect with them again. We became very good friends on our tou, and even though I exchanged information with everyone, I never got around to connecting with anyone. Now we are all emailing each other, which is so cool because we will at least stay connected that way.

And it was fun to see Sean and Melissa his wife again, even though I saw them several times last year since Sean is up here quite a lot to lecture.

So anyway, my two San Diego friends and I were sitting in the front row for Sean's lecture and then we decided to stick around for the next event which was a panel hosted by George Noory of Coast to Coast AM. The panel was on Prophecy and featured Sean as well as others talking about what will will happen in 2012.

The end of the Mayan calendar is not that far away, so everyone is talking about it and theorizing about what will happen if anything. It's all so interesting if you're into these kind of inquiries.

Anyway there was this guy there, David Wilcock, who really impressed me as someone who is trying to combine both the science of what is going on along with the spirituality. There are a ton of so called spiritual people out there talking about 2012, but no one has really combined the science like David.

That combination of the science and the practical with the spiritual seems so life changingto me, because I do just like the spiritual aspect of things and kind of leave the practical stuff alone. You know the practical stuff is all the things I do to live like have a job, pay my rent, work out, etc. It would be just so amazing to combine the two worlds together. I think the people who combine the spiritual and practical together are the ones who have jobs and careers they love, jobs and careers that they feel they were born to do.

So that's my life changing moment thing - how do I combine my spiritual life with my practical life. This is what I get when I named 2009 my year of alignment. I have to align my spiritual and practical lives, which will never be an easy task and will I feel be like walking on a tightrope over a vast chasm where you can fall into the abyss either way.