I'm starting up writing again. But it's just so depressing. I feel like I am climbing up this huge, huge mountain and I have no idea how am I going to get up to the summit. But there's this something inside of me that says I need to keep slogging away and that it doesn't matter whether I am successful or not; the point is to keep trying.

THIS IS HUGE FOR ME! I like being successful. I have been very successful in my own way at so many things. I hate this. It's like the first time I got a C in college. Talk about shocking. I mean I got a C in art class, but that was because I couldn't draw. Getting that grade was a huge wake up call, and I never got a C again ever. I hate failure! It sucks!

Writing is such a huge process. The writing of anything is such a process. I just submitted three writing pieces for the self-published book that my writing group in Carmel wants to put out, and they were so hard to write. I felt like I was leaving pieces of my soul on the page. When I read each piece out loud to edit, I thought I was going to cry. I could hear the pain in my words, the sadness. I was reliving my own memories by reading my own writing.

And I hate getting emotional. I'm an aquarian, and I have five planets in aquarius, which means I am air sign. NO EMOTION. Emotions are weird, they are what other people have, and there I was having them.

I feel like I am back in acting class when I wrote my monologue piece, Art is Scary. The exercise was to write what we felt about our art, and I wrote "art is scary because he makes me do things I don't want to do." I left acting because I couldn't lay my soul bare on stage without a lot of work, without completely letting go. And I could let go, and I did let go, but it was so tiring, and honestly, I didn't know if I could do it night after night on stage like how you are supposed to do in acting.

So I went to writing because my acting teacher told me I could let go easier on the page than I ever could on stage. But I don't know if he was right. It's hard to let to go, and writing is way worse than acting because if you write every day it means having to let go every day. And some days I'm just way too tired to let go. Letting go taxes not only my brain but makes me get emotional, and I'm not supposed to be an emotional person.

I just got something. Okay, I'm not a normally emotional person but I understand how and why people get emotional and I'm thinking I can use this understanding somehow and translate it into my writing. There is something here for me which I have to explore.

I am just rambling now and indulging in a little, okay maybe more than a little self pity. BOO HOO for me, poor struggling writer. Thank god I've got a semi-decent job so at least I don't have a lot of economic stress in my life. Or maybe I'm just a lazy git and I just so hate writing every day. It's like exercising every day. Sometimes I'm in the mood to do it every day and sometime I'm not. Writing is getting like exercise for me. Sometimes I'm in the mood and sometimes I'm not.