I haven't been in a writing mood lately, so it's been hard to know what to write. I've been in an odd mood lately, but maybe it's the almost full moon that's affecting my mood.

I've been doing a lot of thinking about writing, and what it's supposed to mean to me. I guess I'm not liking what I'm discovering. I think having gifts can very cruel. There are some people who would give their right arm to have a gift that other people have. And just because you have a gift doesn't mean life becomes any easier. And who's to say if you have a gift anyway, because sometimes it sure doesn't look like it. Other people tell you have a gift, and really that's the only way you know, because you sure as hell can't tell for yourself. And what if you don't really have a gift, but you make it because you're driven.

I think I'm a little driven sometimes, although I'm not sure why. I've just been this way about everything for a long time. Something inside drives me, and right now I don't like the fact that I am so driven. Being driven has so many drawbacks. I'm starting to think that if I wasn't so driven, my life would be so different. But I can't stop this feeling I have to strive. It's odd.

If I'm not driving myself I get depressed, but when I stop striving I still get depressed. It'shard to explain. Sometimes I think I write because I'm ambitious and I'm driven. I do enjoy writing, but I think I only enjoy wriitng because I'm good at it.

I don't know. I think I'm just going through some weird exercise in mental and spiritual gymnastics right now. I wish I could stop writing. Just give up and never care. But I can't do that without feeling tremendous guilt that I'm letting myself down. So no matter what I do, it seems I lose and this sense of loss is an awful feeling. Like no matter how I proceed in life, I will never escape this sense of loss. Do other people feel this way? Nobody ever talks about it and I feel really alone right now, and I'm not used to feeling this lonely.

This is probably not making any sense at all, and I've been feeling this way since Friday. Crazy isn't it?

I'm seeing Baz Luhrmann's La Boheme tonight. It should be fun, and I do love opera. I'm also having dinner at restaurant with a friend beforehand, but I'm going to be good and will try not to eat too many fattening foods.

I stepped on the scale earlier this week, and I think I will be on track to lose 2 pounds, so I've got to keep the momentum of my weight loss going.

I've had a headache all day. It's probably stress from my screenplay. I rewrote the version 3 of the outline, and incorporated many of the suggestions from the screenwriting group last night.

I just have to resign myself to the fact, that it's going to take more than a few rewrites to get my screenplay to the point that I really like it. I think this is now the 7th draft outline I've written for it. I wrote 3 draft outlines prior to the first original draft screenplay. And that first draft was really the fourth outline because the story changed as I was writing it.

So now I'm on third draft outline again, and the second draft of the screenplay will probably be the 8th outline. Rewriting is just wild, really wild, and so damned time consuming and hard, hard work. Big sigh!!! Gggrrrr!!!!

I apologize for whining about my writing so much. I'll figure it out. I'm a smart rat. I have amateur computer hack mentality. There isn't any system I can't figure out, so I'll apply my computer hack mentality to my screenplay.

I was reading the workbook from this seminar I took in May last night. That seminar had a whole section on the three blocks to enlightenment, which are.

1) boredom - comes from undirected attention
2) confusion - comes from not relating or not understanding (con - against, fusion - to be one)
3) paradox - comes from the conflict between two contraditory beliefs.

I'm definitely "confused" by the whole screenwriting process. The May seminar taught that the way out of confusion, was to pick one thing from the item that you're confused about, and focus on that. It's kind of like saying, you can understand the universe by looking at how one small thing relates to it. Or something like that. I don't have the workbook with me now, to get the right quote.

I need to pick one thing from screenplay, and understand the universe through it. My screenplay is about the parent/child relationship; this is the theme my screenplay is exploring. I think if I just focus on the parent/child relationship, I'll be able to find an ending that I'm happy with and is satisfying. I think I'm making my screenplay process too complicated. Storytelling is a simple process. I need to remember this. Nothing is more satisfying to me, than a simple story told very, very well. If I focus on what I really love about movies, I know I'll find the happy medium between what I want as an artist and what will satisfy a sophisticated movie going audience. Keeping in mind that I love Hollywood mainstream sappy happy movies and totally hate most anti-establishment independent films, I know I can find the happy medium between the two worlds. I've got to. This is the paradox I see of the screenwriting; to be mainstream and normal in what is basically an outlaw, radical and anti-establishment community.

I'm a writer, and I suppose by definition I'm anti-establishment. But in reality, I'm really not. I'm not the kind of writer who wants to break new ground, start a new genre, or push the envelope of creativity. That kind of writing is boring to me ultimately. I don't have the temperament to reinvent the wheel. I just want to tell a good story, and tell that story very, very well. Telling a story that is entertaining and interesting, that touches your heart is my ultimate goal. I just have to remember this truth about my writing, and let this truth guide my writing. All this other "stuff" I'm going through and I'm hearing is someone else's vision of movies, somebody else's truth, but it's not mine.