The weight loss is going slowly, but at least it's going. I'm down to 157.5 pounds, despite the fact that I made my way through a pint of Ben & Jerry's vanilla ice cream with fat free chocolate sauce chocolate. I definitely can't keep ice cream in the house, without eating it every day. I don't usually crave icecream either, so I'm sure it was a stress craving.

I bought some strawberries on Sunday, so when I'm craving a dessert I'll have strawberries with chocolate sauce. Strawberries are probably better for me than icecream anyway. I also bought some apples, and I'm looking forward to eating applies with fat free caramel sauce.

What's weird is I can see eating like this for the rest of my life. It's really not that bad. But who knows what I'll feel like doing in April or May, which is my new target time to be at my weight goal. I can easily see myself totally binging on chocolate and icecream for a week, just to celebrate. I might even break down and eat a steak, just to really be evil and bad. It's been years since I've eaten a steak, so maybe I'm due for once every five year steak meal. I know just where to go too; Harris Steakhouse. I think it's supposed to be the best steak house in San Francisco, and I've never been there, and I want to check it out.

Look at me, I'm already dreaming of binging on chocolate, ice cream and steak next spring. YIKES!!!

I managed to get to scene 17. It's hard to write this baseball screenplay of mine, when the home team is playing in the world series, and I feel obligated to watch them. The 9 scenes I wrote tonight were the hardest though since I had to get through to the first act and the crucial turning point of the story.

I'm resigned to the fact that I'm probably going to have to write several drafts of this screenplay before it's any good, and even then who knows. The writers of the movie "Blue Crush" wrote 8 or more drafts, and that movie while good, had some major flaws.

I don't know why more women don't watch sports. God, talk about a bunch of pretty boys on both teams. I love watching all that young male flesh in their prime at the top of their game. JT Snow is really cute, once he takes his cap off. Robb Nen looks way better without facial hair, although what is it with that heavy gold chain around his neck. So disco.

David Eckstein reminds me of that Cousins guy from the Arizona Diamondbacks I love the Angel Salmon story. Salmon has been with the Angels for 10 years, and it's been his only team. He's a rarity in baseball. And poor Kevin Appier. I remember him when he was pitching for the Oakland A's. And poor Russell Ortiz, and in front of a hometown crowd too. The Angel manager, Mike Scioscia, was cute as young man and he's aged very nicely as well. The announcers are so right. You can't tell from looking at Scioscia whether the team is losing or winning. He looks exactly the same.

The world series is definitely a distraction to me right now. And I feel bad because I think I'm an american league girl, and sometimes I kind of root for the Angels. Don't know why either, since they're in the same division as my beloved A's. But when push comes to shove, I will always root for the Giants.

I think it's going to be a great series, and I hope it goes to game 7, only because it's more exciting then. Talk about a nailbiter.

Watching tonight's world series game has really shown me that to get a win, you've really got to work hard. The Angels and the Giants battled for every run. Every inning was like the 9th inning and both teams fought hard. What really strikes me about baseball and these two teams, is thinking of these kids as young boys. Many of the players from both teams, grew up in SoCal and were team mates or rivals in high school.

I think of all the young boys who started out in little league, who played high school ball, then went onto college ball or the minors, and then finally onto to the major league teams, and then if they're lucky, they're playing in the world series. I think about the selection process these boys went through, how hard they must have worked from a young age to even now, developing their talent, their bodies and their skills. And even when they get to the majors, it's not all easy. Look at JT Snow. He's had a bad year, and now he's on a hot streak in the world series.

I know writing must be exactly the same way. These men had god given talent, and they just kept working that talent, developing that talent, and working hard all their lives. These ball players make it look easy now because they are at the top of their individual games, but it took a lot of hard work and alot of years for them to get to where they are.

It would be dishonorable of me to expect that my road, if there is one, to the pinnacle of my writing talent, will not be any less long, difficult and arduous. Like these baseball players, people have told me at a young age that I had natural writing talent. I never believed them, and went on to other things. But unlike these baseball players, writing talent doesn't seem to depend on age. In fact, it seems takes quite a bit of living and maturity to be a good writer, although there are many writers who've excelled at a very young age.

If I write tomorrow, I'll still be on track to finish my screenplay by the end of the week. I had hoped to finish sooner, and probably would have if the Giants weren't in the series. But oh well. I've learned quite a bit about life and my writing from watching this world series so far, and maybe that's all that really matters.

I just finished writing the first seven scenes of my screenplay. Starting is hard, but once I do start, I'm fine. My goal is to write 30 scenes by Sunday, so 7 scenes down and 23 more to go.

I'll write a review for La Boheme tomorrow.

I haven't been in a writing mood lately, so it's been hard to know what to write. I've been in an odd mood lately, but maybe it's the almost full moon that's affecting my mood.

I've been doing a lot of thinking about writing, and what it's supposed to mean to me. I guess I'm not liking what I'm discovering. I think having gifts can very cruel. There are some people who would give their right arm to have a gift that other people have. And just because you have a gift doesn't mean life becomes any easier. And who's to say if you have a gift anyway, because sometimes it sure doesn't look like it. Other people tell you have a gift, and really that's the only way you know, because you sure as hell can't tell for yourself. And what if you don't really have a gift, but you make it because you're driven.

I think I'm a little driven sometimes, although I'm not sure why. I've just been this way about everything for a long time. Something inside drives me, and right now I don't like the fact that I am so driven. Being driven has so many drawbacks. I'm starting to think that if I wasn't so driven, my life would be so different. But I can't stop this feeling I have to strive. It's odd.

If I'm not driving myself I get depressed, but when I stop striving I still get depressed. It'shard to explain. Sometimes I think I write because I'm ambitious and I'm driven. I do enjoy writing, but I think I only enjoy wriitng because I'm good at it.

I don't know. I think I'm just going through some weird exercise in mental and spiritual gymnastics right now. I wish I could stop writing. Just give up and never care. But I can't do that without feeling tremendous guilt that I'm letting myself down. So no matter what I do, it seems I lose and this sense of loss is an awful feeling. Like no matter how I proceed in life, I will never escape this sense of loss. Do other people feel this way? Nobody ever talks about it and I feel really alone right now, and I'm not used to feeling this lonely.

This is probably not making any sense at all, and I've been feeling this way since Friday. Crazy isn't it?