Somehow I got pulled in to work on a project with my company’s foundation. Now I’m being pulled into all these meetings and if this project is funded, it has the potential to generate a ton of publicity which will make it a highly visible company project. I hate projects that generate a ton of publicity. Your work gets scrutinized up and ying yang, and you end up going to a ton of meetings to brainstorm and plan a strategy. This project will involve not only my company board of directors but also the foundation’s board of directors. Talk about people breathing down your neck.

Okay it’s not like this is the first time my work has been presented to a company’s board of directors, but I just hate the pressure of it all. I’d rather just do my work and projects anonymously, and not draw a lot of attention to myself. I stopped speaking up in meetings, so I would get disinvited off the meeting lists. And it looked like my no meeting strategy was working until now. Meetings are such a waste of time. If you start volunteering your opinions in a meeting, you end up being sent to more meetings because “people value your opinions.” I know, I know, it’s a compliment to be thought of so highly that people keep requesting you to be part of their projects, but it’s also a complete waste of time. Plus you still have to do your regular job and now do much more extra work. Talk about recipe for spending a lot of nights in the office.

I don’t mind doing the background research, preparing the opinions and briefs for my boss so they sound intelligent and look like they know what they’re talking about when they go to their meetings, but that’s about all I want to do. I don’t want to go the meetings and get assigned to do more work along with my regular job.

I had the weirdest dream this morning. I was out body surfing which I haven’t done since high school, and I was far away from shore like maybe out a mile. There were these huge waves that were coming out towards me, but instead of coming from the ocean they were coming from the shore. It’s like the ocean was backwards or something in my dream. When I woke up the first think I remembered was that the waves were backwards.

Anyway, the waves were huge and usually if a big wave like maybe a 10-12 footer is coming towards you, you need to dive under the wave to not get caught up in it. Instead of diving, I just kicked my legs back and forth like a ballerina and rose up above the wave watching it crest beneath me. In the dream I did this a bunch of times. Very strange! There was some surfer guy there next to me on an orange board and he commented on how huge the waves were. He ended up diving under the wave like you’re supposed with his board, and I just kicked my legs and fluttered up above the wave.

The water was also green and not blue. Not sure what this means and I can’t remember what color ocean water is when it’s really warm. I think the water was warm because I was wearing a swimsuit. But why the waves were originating from the shore and not from the ocean is so puzzling to me.

I haven't been writing much lately. Last Tuesday I had a midterm for my greek drama class. I'm not sure how I did because it was all essay. I'll find out tomorrow.

It's allergy season and my allergies while not too bad, leave me exhausted at the end of the day. By 5 pm, I'm tired and I want to sleep. I've been meditating again, this time in a completely new and different way that I'm thoroughly enjoying so much I try to do it for an hour when I come home.

I meditate on JC. This is completely new for me and something I didn't think was possible but it's definitely working and so, so cool. I was thinking today that maybe if my I hadn't been so depressed these last four months I might never have discovered this new way of meditation. I hate that though, that my heart has to break into a million pieces before I learn to make any kind of progress in my spiritual life. I wish I didn't have to learn everything the hard way.

I generally go through life thinking I'm a little aware and evolved and a little better off than most people walking around on this planet, and then something like this happens where I get the giant, hurtful, painful cosmic slap upside the head to make progress on something that should have been a no-brainer. I cannot help but wonder if my life would have turned out better had I learned to meditate on JC sooner in my life, which bums me out because I hate having regrets.

Oh well. I guess I wasn't ready and didn't know that I was seeking was always available to me from my own past and childhood. Now that I could have surrendered at any other time than right now, because I am forever "a doubting Thomas". I think I must have matured enough to have enough faith to believe in what I cannot touch or see. That was always my favorite player from my catholic girls days, "Lord, I am not worthy to receive you but only say the word and I shall be healed." I never felt worthy and I never felt I would ever have that kind of faith, and as a little girl I knew it and saying that prayer used to always make me cry. Still does actually, even now.

So another announcement regarding a highly visible exec leaving was in my company email this morning. This means my company has been chopping one exec/VP a month since December. This new exec reorged my division, and I have a feeling that my division is about to go through another major reorg come April.

I keep asking my boss what is going on and she doesn't know. I don't think anyone knows at this point, and we just all have to wait till we get to work in the morning and see what email brings. Interesting huh?