I haven't been writing much lately. Last Tuesday I had a midterm for my greek drama class. I'm not sure how I did because it was all essay. I'll find out tomorrow.

It's allergy season and my allergies while not too bad, leave me exhausted at the end of the day. By 5 pm, I'm tired and I want to sleep. I've been meditating again, this time in a completely new and different way that I'm thoroughly enjoying so much I try to do it for an hour when I come home.

I meditate on JC. This is completely new for me and something I didn't think was possible but it's definitely working and so, so cool. I was thinking today that maybe if my I hadn't been so depressed these last four months I might never have discovered this new way of meditation. I hate that though, that my heart has to break into a million pieces before I learn to make any kind of progress in my spiritual life. I wish I didn't have to learn everything the hard way.

I generally go through life thinking I'm a little aware and evolved and a little better off than most people walking around on this planet, and then something like this happens where I get the giant, hurtful, painful cosmic slap upside the head to make progress on something that should have been a no-brainer. I cannot help but wonder if my life would have turned out better had I learned to meditate on JC sooner in my life, which bums me out because I hate having regrets.

Oh well. I guess I wasn't ready and didn't know that I was seeking was always available to me from my own past and childhood. Now that I could have surrendered at any other time than right now, because I am forever "a doubting Thomas". I think I must have matured enough to have enough faith to believe in what I cannot touch or see. That was always my favorite player from my catholic girls days, "Lord, I am not worthy to receive you but only say the word and I shall be healed." I never felt worthy and I never felt I would ever have that kind of faith, and as a little girl I knew it and saying that prayer used to always make me cry. Still does actually, even now.