UGH! I had my first telephone interview today with an HR person for a job that I applied for last week. Her assistant gave me the wrong time, so instead of 4:10 pm like I thought the interview was supposed to be at 2:10 pm. I had to run around and find an empty office on my floor.

I think I did pretty well on the interview because the HR woman is forwarding my resume on, but I'm not about the job. They want an analyst who can do do client presentations, and that's something I don't have a lot of experience in. I told the woman that, but she wanted to forward my resume on anyway.

I hate speaking in front of groups. I'm not used to and I get so nervous. I took acting classes to get over this fear, but I'm not still not comfortable with speaking in front of groups. I even took classes in how to present to groups and spoke in front of large groups trying to enroll people in seminars. That was so energizing, but nerve-wracking as well. I even sat on a panel of subject matter experts once, and afterwards this girl asked me if I was in sales.

The job would entail 20-40 meetings a year with clients and presenting data. Some of it would include travel since she said they have clients in Seattle and Denver.

I know that speaking and giving presentations at this stage in my career is the next logical step, and I've done everything but make presentations. But I have the normal fears about it. I know this is silly because people in my job call me on the phone now and I have to explain reports to them, so I know I explain myself. But making a presentation is different.

I also know that if I could get over my fear of speaking in public, I could probably up my income big time because a analyst who can give presentations is a rarity. And it's not like I have to be the best presenter. I've sat in on people who were terrible at presentations.

It's not like quite like sales either because all I would be doing is presenting information. It's not like I was going to be making a presentation to get them to buy something.

I have mixed feelings about this new job. I know I could use the experience and apply it to other areas of my life, like my writiing, but I'm not a speaker I'm a writer and an analyst. I can create the analytics and presentation, I just don't want to deliver it. Oh well. I'm not going to worry about it till the hiring manager calls me. If it's meant to be and the universe wants me to go in this direction and I get definite signs (signs I said not hints), then I'll deal with it.

So I guess this is typical for a guy who's been a football player but it is kind of weird. M-Sqaure and I were talking about Oliver Stone's movie "Any Given Sunday" and how we both thought that it's such a great movie last night.

I happened to mention the chicks in the bathroom scene and M-Square says nostalgically with a sigh in his voice, "There's nothing like like snorting blow off of a woman's breast. Ahhh. Those were the days."

And I'm like okay. He doesn't do that kind of stuff any more and that won't be happening to me, but you have to wonder if he doesn't miss that jock world. I'm like thinking, what is he going to do with me? I am so not a football player type girl, although I dated a guy who played at San Jose State and almost went pro. Not to mention I dated this other guy who played semi-professional soccer in England and another guy from Austin who was 6 ft 7 in and played professional soccer in Europe. Plus there is that one guy who was 7 ft and played basketball at St Mary's in Moraga and then for the Detroit Pistons. Oh yeah, and there was the weekend with the playgirl centerfold guy who I swear to god looked like the Michaelangelo's David statue only he was a blondie boy and very, very, very dumb.

I'm just a spiritual girl who wants to write for a living.

I was telling a friend of mine last night how much I'd always wished I had a guy who said "I love you" constantly, or "love you" as a sign off after a phone conversation. You spend years wishing for this kind of stuff to happen to you, and when it finally does, it's like "whatever".

Red-haired guy did it first. Tossing the L word around like it was so common. I still remember one of our last conversations where I was so mad at him and he told me "I love you" three times on the phone and I just didn't say anything back.

Well, M-Square said the L word very casually of course on the phone on Wednesday. We were hanging up and he said "love you", and my reaction was like "whatever". I didn't say that of course and just hung up the phone. But inside I'm like thinking don't use the L word unless you really mean it. Don't profane the word that way because it really means something. I never use the L word unless in the moment I think I really mean it.

But it's so ironic because after all these years two guys in a row have fulfilled this little fantasy of mine, and I'm not as happy nor as thrilled and ecstatic as I thought I would be. It's sad and very close to tragic I think.

I was starting to think last night that maybe I should stay at my company. Things have been going really great all week. I think my boss shared the conversation I had with her with my other two bosses because they've been nicer. The one person I don't get along with suggested I go to this conferene in Washington DC in early September if the medical director doesn't go. Last night I was really starting to have some regrets because one of the companies I sent my resume to last week called, and I have a telephone interview scheduled for Monday afternoon. It's not the company I want to work for, but they are in downtown San Francisco and from what I know about them it's a good company.

Then I got into work today thinking the two people I don't get along wouldn't be there and how nice my Friday would be, and boom! One of them was there. Talk about a major bummer. I thought the woman was leaving to go on vacation. But then she left and I felt better. Then the other guy I can't stand showed up later and I thought he was going to be out all afternoon.

And I'm like you know, as much as I'm starting to have regrets, it totally sucks to work with people you don't trust and like and have to sit in the same row with. I've never had this experience before. I've never been in a department of coworkers where I didn't like everyone. There's only ten of us in the whole group, so it's a small group.

To me it was like that old saying, one bad apple can spoil the whole bunch. It's so true, except in my case it's three bad apples. I was asking for a sign to let me know if I needed to stay at my job, and I think this was my sign. No matter how much better the job gets, these peoeple are going to be around me for awhile. It's so not worth it to spend 8-10 hours a day sitting next to people you don't like or trust. It's such a drain on my energy to have to watch my back constantly and wonder if they're spying on me, or what kind of BS they're cooking up against me.

Too bad too, because the job has gotten so much better now that my boss has told everyone how unhappy I am. Oh well. It looks like the universe wants me to leave the place and I'm just following the signs.