What is it with all those limos that drive down Park Presidio and 19th Avenue and then onto 280 during the morning rush hour? You know they're carrying Sili Valley execs who either live in Marin County, Presidio Heights, Sea Cliff or Pacific Heights. Why don't they just live in Sili Valley or the Peninsula, which is really Sili Valley North, or is it Sili Valley West?

At least they're not driving their own very expensive euro trash car and talking on the phone. Or, what's worse, typing on their laptop in the front seat as do the crawl down 19th avenue. One day I saw a woman, older, mid 40's, with perfect salon blonde and permed burnt hair, driving in her brand spanking new silver jaguar, which looks like a euro trash turbo charged Ford Taurus. We were both stopped at a light, probably at Pacheco. I look to my side and I notice she's looking down intently on her passenger seat. I straighten up and look over and she's typing on her laptop. I'm like, GIRL - get a life! You're driving that expensive car and it's 7:15 am and you're typing on a laptop in traffic. Was she in sales? Was she an exec?

What kind of life is that where you have to work as you drive? Is it worth it? Is all that money worth it? You've got the rich bitch accessories, clothes, jewelry, nails and hair but, is it luxury if you're typing on a laptop in your car at Pacheco and 19th Avenue? If you want to lead the life of the luxurious Sili Valley exec, get the limo and type on your laptop in peace.

Wish me luck ... I've just registered for free trials to those popular online dating sites. What a hoot! I never know what to say when they ask to describe yourself. I mean, are they completely serious? Oh well, I'll only be in town for two more weeks and then I'm off to the beach for vacation and relaxation. If it goes very badly and I make a total git of out of myself, I have my vacation to recover. I'll be drinking pretty brelly drinks on the beach in July and laughing ridiculously about it all. It's absolutely maddening, this dating thing but such a necessary evil I'm afraid.

I am totally convinced that if you've done anything bad in your life, you will at some point end up standing in line at the UPS office on San Bruno at 16th Street in San Francisco. The pundits credit the demise of the dot com industry to bad business plans, but I think the gross inefficiencies of UPS contributed to the failure of 90% of the BtoC ecommerce sites. Most ecommerce websites relied on UPS to deliver their merchandise. Which is fine if you're a business that's open 8 am to 5 pm or you work or are at home during the day and never leave your residence. However, if you work outside the home and cannot have your packaged delivered to your workplace or don't want your packages delivered to your workplace because you don't want your coworkers to see what you're ordering, you're screwed!

Standing in the UPS will call line is the most frustrating experience I have ever had. It's not the waiting that I mind nor the drive out of my way to the UPS office. No, what's frustrating is the powerlessness I feel. The feeling that my time is not valuable as UPS' time and that I have to plan one whole week of my of my life around trying to get my package. And I know I'm not alone. I watch miserably as other hapless San Franciscans are told over and over again that their packages are not there. Who would want to order online and put up with this experience? Here's my usual experience with UPS.

Day 1 - UPS leaves that 1st day notice at my apartment building which sometimes I get, sometimes I don't. I call the number on the notice and I get trapped in voicemail hell because I can't talk to a live person. I log onto their website and finally find the number for customer service, because it's not the home page. I spend 15 minutes on hold till someone actually answers. I spend another half an hour trying to figure out where my package is. I am told I can have it held at will call at the San Bruno Ave, SF office. I agree.

Day 2 - After work, I drive to the San Bruno office. I stand for 1/2 an hour in line with my notice. When the CS rep looks up my notice, I am informed that my package is not there. The CS rep asks if I want to have my package held at will-call for pickup tomorrow. I agree and leave.

Day 3 - Once again, I drive to the San Bruno office and stand in line for 1/2 an hour. When the CS rep looks up my notice, I am again told that my package is not there and again, I am asked about holding it at will-call for pickup tomorrow. I've explained that this is what I did yesterday. The CS rep with no change in expression says sometimes they drivers don't get their messages.

It takes another two visits for me to finally get my package.

The fifth time this happened, count them, five different packages and 18 visits later, I overhear a man in line saying that he waits until he gets the white postcard saying UPS is holding the package. "It's the only way to get out of the dyfunctional UPS truck loop" he says. I'm listening to him as I'm staring up at the sign that says "Drivers need 1 day notice to have packages held". I test his theory on my sixth package and it works.

If you look at it from a business point of view, it's no skin off my back to wait until the white postcard comes in the mail. I just have to wait and then plan the one day to pick up my package. If UPS wants to spend three or however many days it takes to get the white postcard, delivering my package over and over again, wants to use their gas, their equipment, their manpower hour to waste their time, wants to use their postage to deliver my white postcard, then that's their problem. I just don't how this company meets their quarterly earnings forecast. And doesn't the delivery business industry have the slimmest of operating margins?

But all of that doesn't matter anymore. I'm happy because I now know the secret of avoiding UPS Hell. I just wait till my little white postcard comes.

I keep reading the how-to sections on how to get my blog to work and it's incredibly tiresome. It takes me forever to figure things out ... but eventually I do get it.

This is why I need B from Dallas. He's a Web Guru and can design websites in his sleep. Me .. I take forever and it's like brain surgery for this Elf Girl and I just hope I don't kill the patient.

L.A. Confidential was on TV tonight. What an absolutely brilliant movie! I love the Guy Exley character! He's the smart, goody two shoes, snake in the grass kind of guy that Elf Girls totally love! This is movie where I also decided that Kevin Spacey was a fabulous actor. His acting technique is superb. He may not get the deepest read on his character, but his techniques make up for it. Plus, he's very dishy in his own way. He gets this Elf Girl's mouth to water.

I'm bored being a singleton and have been perusing the online dating websites. Could I find the Elf Boy of my dreams online? I hear these servcies can be dangerous and you have to be very careful. But how spooky can it be? I mean, how horrifying can it get? I know two women who met their current husbands online, so it must work right?

The thing about online dating is you can't get a proper feeling about a person. You can't infer their vibration from their advert or their emails. You actually have to meet face to face for that. So the online dating site is just a conduit to meeting another person. Still ... it's got to be better than noisy bars, coffee bars, etc.

I miss my friend B from Dallas Texas. He sort of looked like an elf boy with his irish face, reddish hair and boxer/linebacker body. Or at least what I think elf boys would look like.

We haven't chatted online since September 2000 and that's when he told me he didn't know if he could be friends with me without wanting a physical relationship as well. And how would that work? An Elf Girl in Dallas? Besides, there were too many other complications like him being a typical born and bred Texas male and all. He had that whole loyalty thing going just like W but he was so, so very very smart. But god that Texas male thing drove me nuts ... like forcing me to agree with him even when he knew I didn't. And it wasn't enough for him that I gave into him just to keep the peace ... no ... I had to agree with him. I had visions of us fighting with me losing 99.9% of the time. And that kind of loss rate would drive any Elf Girl to wither up and die and then drink to get through it. NO THANKS. But still ... I miss him all the same and wished we could have stayed friends. He has a heart of gold and was such a cool, cool friend to have, even if he was from Texas. I think he may have been elf boy after all.

Searching the Net on Elves, I came across many websites for other people claiming to be "Otherkin", part human part something else. There are yahoo groups, webrings, etc for the "otherkins". But alas, none of their stories sound familiar to me.

I would never have considered myself anything other than human, had this reputable spiritual healer not told me. Does it matter that underneath my human DNA, I'm an elf? Healthwise, I'm one of those people that have opposite reactions to any drugs. Uppers calm me down, downers speed me up and I get those adverse reactions to drugs that 1 in 10,000 people are supposed to have. Psychically I'm claircognizant, meaning I just know things without knowing why. If I think about it and focus, I can tell things about people that are remarkably accurate. Spiritually, I have always been a seeker of the transformed and spiritual life.

What does it mean to be an elf girl in the city? I don't know. I only found out about all of this in April of this year. I will keep exploring my elfiness here and let you know.

Activities for the weekend include:

Ed Dames, Dr Doom, on Art Bell late Friday night. Love Art Bell! Listening to his radio program is much better than watching television.

wedding shower on Saturday - this should be interesting since I'll probably just know the bride and the one friend I'm going with.

Contact on Sunday - all the male reviewers have raved about the female dancer, they say go for the dance and the girl. Then to a expensive birthday dinner at some hip SF restaurant. For all the money, the food had better not be something I could cook at home.

I started writing a fictional memoir of my Elf Girl incarnation and this is the beginning.

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I was a warrior elf soul. I died in the wars with the humans during Atlantian times. When I was captured instead of letting me just die, the humans cursed me and turned me into a human. If you were to look at my DNA with the most powerful microscope not yet invented, you will see that underneath my human DNA lies my elf DNA.

To be cut off my from the elfin community physically, psychically and spiritually, to be left with only two strands of my 12 strand DNA, and finally to be reincarnated as a human into a human body is the worst form of punishment for an elf.

What happened during Atlantian times? What started the wars that decimated the elfin population and severed my people from Mother Earth, Gaia forever?

155,000 years ago before the birth of Christ, the humans peacefully inhabited the earth along with the Wee people, the fairies, the angels, and devas which included animal and tree spirits and other celestial visitors. Each of the five communities had their own culture, language, peoples, rules and communities. My elfin people were part of the Wee people community, which also included leprechauns, pixies, and menehunes.

Under the guidance of the evil one Lucifer, whom you now call Satan, the humans from Atlantis decided to claim the earth for their own and proclaim themselves as the true people of earth. They waged war with the intent of complete decimation and enslavement of the other four races. There were many that fled to other worlds, other dimensions, other times, and those that were left, the humans systematically killed off. First the devas, then the angels, then the fairies and finally the elves.

We were the last to fall. And we would have survived, had we not been betrayed; a betrayal at the highest level. They say the way to hell is paved with good intentions and good intentions were our path. A group of elves in our high council who wanted peace at any cost, mistakenly thought that they could avert our destruction by cooperating with the humans. Elves believe that there is good in everyone and that that good overriedes all other behaviour. They were wrong and my people were destroyed.

But who was I? I was a general, a woman elf general from Lemuria in the fight to keep the elf race from dying out. I was captured, raped and then cursed to be a human for all eternity. Someday, I will figure out a way to reconnect with my elfin community but until then this is my story.
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Okay, so it's totally far-fetched, wild and off the wall, but this is fiction right?

Wow, this is my first blog! Someone in my SF writing group told me about this site and so like any silly, hip and cool psuedo techie I had to try it. I'm not sure what I'll be posting here yet but I'll figure it out.