So I debuted my story at screenwriting class and I'm back to my original short story idea. The screenplay will be about baseball playing son who has to contront his estranged father and deal with his resentment and hatred of his father. My screen writing teacher called it heart felt family drama. GADS!!! I was the only one in class writing a heart felt family drama. Everybody in class was writing action films, films with lots of action or travel or comedies, dark humor, and I'm writing a family drama.

I don't know. It's my curse, it's my karma and it sucks! I don't know. The stories that I like nobody likes, the stories that I don't think are interesting everybody wants to hear about. I hate this. I swear to god, I can't tell what's good and what's not good. I can't divorce myself from my own work and step back to see whether it's good or not. I have to have other people tell me. I hate that.

I'm like thinking who the hell would pay $9.50 to watch a heart felt family drama. How boring!!! Do people really want to see dysfunctional families getting it together on the big screen. Haven't they had enough of that in our life? Or are people out there leading such broken and messed up lives that they have to fantasize about getting healthy?

I don't know. I'm a very whole person. I'm pro active as hell about therapy, personal growth and development and staying and being happy. I don't have a lot of relationships in my life that haven't been healed and the ones that aren't healed, I'm okay with them the way they are.

I feel like I'm 21 years old and my therapist is telling me I've got more awareness that 99.9% of the people in the world. I can hear my therapist's voice so clearly saying "most people don't look at their action and themselves the way you do and you have to remember that." I found it shocking then and years later I still don't understand that. How can people not be aware of how their actions affect others? I'm aware. Aren't there other people in the world like me? My therapist said no.

The last time I was in a seminar and dealt with my father issue, half the people in the seminar called their father on the break. I had people coming up to me after that for a couple of years to thank me for inspiring them to heal their relationship with their father. People who said they'd been in that seminar with me, most of whom I didn't recognize. People who thanked me for saving their life.

Is this heart felt father/son family drama that I'm supposed to write supposed to do the same thing? Inspire people to heal their relationship with their father? I don't know. I'm at the point now where I just have to write this story because it needs to be written. I have no idea how I'm gong to write this story. It seems so boring to me. But my writing teacher said to write it ike it's in real time. What does it all mean? Honestly I don't want to inspire people, I want to entertain people, make them laugh, make them think abou stuff. Is healing people entertaining? It's free therapy that's for sure.

I swear to god, it's my curse and my karma. Everytime I try to write about what I want I end up heading towards some drama with some spiritual message. It's not bad to do that, but I'm really not interested in writing about that. It's all so boring to me and old hat, like haven't most people made peace with their parents. According to my screen writing teacher, no. I don't understand any of my impetus to write anymore and I'm starting not to care either because I can't tell what people will like or not like. I only know what I like, what interests me, what compels me to write. Everytime I try to second guess what a reader or audience will like, the story falls flat on its face and people go how boring.

Does this mean I should follow my own intuition and just keep writing all the weird stuff that I like and to stop caring about what other people like? It's obvious to me now that I am totally clueless about the general public's taste. God, I just hate this. I'm tired of being weird, different and freaky. I honestly just want to be like everybody else, but everytime I try to think like other people I fail. It's such a lonely existence for me sometimes. It's so my karma though, and how can I fight my own karma?

I know, I'm complaining about this gift that I have. What I'm really interesting in writing about, other people really like, even though I always have the feeling that nobody would ever read or carfe about this except for me. When I try to write for an audience or a reader, I fail. So the lesson is I guess to just write to please myself, because everytime I think I'm writing to please other people I fail. It's all so confusing to me but if it works and places less stress on me, I'm all for it. It feels so weird to just write for myself without any thought to others, but I'm willing to give it a try. Writing to please myself and no one else, what a concept. I've gone done every road with my writing except that one and it's the last road, so I have to take it and see what happens.