I wanted to be alone today, so instead of inviting anyone to go see the Ansel Adams exhibit at Sonoma State University, I went by myself. Sometimes, I just like my own company. Sometimes, I just like to drive in my car, with the moon/sun roof open, and listen to tunes. I think it's some habit from high school I haven't lost. When I was 16 and had the family car, which instead of being thrown out it was given to me, I used to drive all around the island without going anywhere in particular. It was my favorite form of escape in high school. It still is.

Of course, now that I'm older and have money and am more cultured I guess, I drive to museums to look at art and then go outlet shopping and spend tons of money.

In the summertime, it's worth driving out of my neighborhood since I'm on the coast and it's always foggy. It's usually sunny everywhere except where I live, it seems. I love the fog but it can get depressing during the summer, when it's supposed to be warm.

I love Ansel Adams. Doesn't everybody? I was tempted to buy a poster of his or a matted picture, but I still haven't hung the pictures and poster I bought on a vacation seven years ago, so I stopped myself. Adams was such a brilliant photographer and he was self taught too. I loved what he said about art and that a photo should show the photographer's feelings about what he's seeing and not just reality. How do you take pictures like that? I wonder if you can apply the same principal to writing.

I suppose writing does have some kind of point of view if you're writing essays. But what about fiction? I'll have to think about this to see if Ansel Adams' theory fits my writing. My fictional characters do have their own particular point of view, but I don't think they necessarily show how I view the world or what I feel about the world But maybe they do. Or if they don't, they should.

Take my baseball story screenplay. I guess my main purpose in writing the story is to show that it's easy for a father and child to think they don't love each other. That events can be misinterpreted by both the father and son and then if you never talk about what's happening, your story about what happened becomes the truth of the situation. And they you go through life thinking that your point of view is how life really is. When in reality, you might have completely misinterpreted the situation. And then if you're unlucky, either the father or the child dies, then you realize too late, that you had it all wrong and there's no asking for forgiveness, because that person is dead. Then you spend your life in guilt and regret, for not talking, not speaking, not communicating and on your dying day, you say to yourself, if only I'd told so and so how I really feel and then you die with regret and guilt on your mind. Not a pleasant way to go, I think.

But my characters are lucky. I give them that second chance to rewrite their history so they don't die with longing and regret. And they are really lucky, because I think most people when they're about to die, have so much regret and guilt for things they did or didn't do. I hope I never die like this.

If I were to drop dead right now, there isn't really anything in my life that I seriously regret, have guilt about or wish I did or didn't do. But I've made it a point of not being miserable. Misery is not an option for me. Besides, being miserable is such bad karma. I mean, I think there are people who are walking around who are in their 30's and older still angry and hateful about what happened to them in high school. And I'm like why? Get over it! Everyone was miserable in high school. It's not like you were the only one. I think all that misery and hate is like bad energy and that if you don't get rid of it, it causes health problems when you're older.

I mean, it takes so much energy to be angry and to hate people. I don't think people or even one person is worth that much of my time and energy. Honestly! If I do hate someone, I try to get over it quickly. I need all my energy for me and my stuff and my habits and my goals. I'm sure as hell not going to waste it on hating someone I don't even care about and who I won't be thinking of on my death bed, unless of course, I'm on my death bed still hating them. And like the people I hate or the person I hate really gives a rat's ass that I hate them. I mean, they probably don't even remember who the hell I am. And here I am devoting a considerable amount of time and energy hating them when they don't even care. I mean who's the fool then. Hate is such stupid emotion. And it really is bad karma in more ways than one. And I repeat, no one is worth all that time and energy, no one!!!