The cute strawberry blondie boy was in my bible class this morning, and I was so shocked and freaked out. I was thinking I should've plunked my fat arse right next to him and start up a conversation but I'm way too stressed about my grandma dying to be thinking about getting to know some guy.

At least I was dressed okay, with my thigh high silk short skirt, two inch heels and hose, and semi-fitted sweater. I would've been felt worse if I was dressed like a slob, and at least I looked good I think.

Then after class he was right there in the social hall before the service started, and I was willing myself to go over to him and say something, but I just can't deal with the stress of having to meet someone new right now.

That old bible phrase kept going through my head, "knock and it shall be opened unto, seek and you shall find, etc". I had a perfect opportunity to introduce myself to the cutest single man I've seen walk into that church in years, and I blew it because I'm stressed out.

I'm bad, I'm so bad. So what do I do instead? I start talking to the ex-catholic brother guy who attends church, and I start telling him about the bad catholic sermon I heard on Thursday.

It was a total missed opportunity on my part, and another example of how my timing is so bad when it comes to men most of the time.

My only hope is he comes to bible class next couple of Sundays, and hopefully I'll get used to him being there and I'll calm myself down enough to introduce myself.

Too bad ex-catholic brother man isn't that attractive because I really like him. He's so spiritual, and really, really smart and really, really sweet guy to boot. Who knows if he even has thoughts in that direction anyway, since he was a catholic brother for 25 years.

This is all a moot discussion for me anyway. I'm like way to stressed out to even be thinking about starting a relationship.

I know when I go see my grandmother, I think I am leaving in two weeks, that emotionally I'm going to be a mess. I'm already an emotional mess as it is, and it can only get worse because even though I know I'll still see my grandma while she's still alive, it's only a matter of time before she dies.

And when she dies, I know I'm going to turn into a basket case and need time to mourn and reassess my life, and do all the things you need to do when someone you've loved all your life dies.

The next three months are definitely going to be an emotionally trying time for me, just when I thought my life was starting to calm down a little bit. The last thing I need is to get involved with some guy right now.