I don't know what's wrong wtih me these days. I feel so stressed out at work. I don't know if I'm just paranoid, but maybe the honeymoon with my employer is over. I don't know. I just feel so stresed out, but I know it's not just me. Everyone around me is stressed out as well. One of my bosses had a huge red rash on his face, and when I asked him about it he said it was stress related.

I know I should feel grateful for my job, but I'm not. And that's definitely not a good thing. There's this new guy in my group, who used to be ad account manager, who is now an admin assistant. Now that's tough. I've never had it that tough. I don't envy him, and I kind of feel bad for him too. But he's a nice guy, and he's trying desperately hard to move up so he's all happy and cheery. And I envy him, and sometimes get mad at him for being so happy.

It makes me feel like I should be that way. I should be walking around all happy and grateful just to have a job, but I don't feel that way and it kind of freaks me out. Instead two months in, I feel fat, overworked, stressed and tired. One of the guys in the department said everybody new in the company looks shell shocked for the first few months, so he told me it was normal.

The ad guy who's now an admin assistant transferred from another group, and there's another new guy who was contractor for two years before they hired him in my department. The guy has a PhD from John Hopkins and he had two consult for two years before the company would hire him.

So you see, I'm not that bad off. So why do I just feel that way. I've got to fix my attitude though. I don't want it to look like I'm walking around all angry all the itme, even though that's what I feel like.

Sometimes I think I just don't work smart enough and it takes me forever to do anything, and my bosses are mentally making notes what a bad and slow worker I am. Or it takes me three times before I get something right.

I had to write an executive summary, and my boss kept sending it back saying it was too long and it needed a 30,000 foot view. I had no idea how to write the darn thing, and it was so frustrating. Finally when I saw the final copy it was just bullet points and four sentences.

My boss kept sending me emails begging me to write the cliff notes version of a 20 page presentation. She said senior execs just want to take a guick glance at was presented, and then if they wanted more info they could read the attached presentation.

I don't think I'll ever get used to writing the "30,000 foot" view. And I feel bad that I think that, and stupid and dumb as hell that it took me three hours to figure out how to write four sentences and with about four bullet points each.

I can't wait for my work week to be over. I'm starting to think I hate my job, but I haven't been in it long enough to hate it. Maybe it's just not a good fit, and I'm only now starting to realize it. Even if it wasn't a good fit, it's not like there's any place for me to go.

If there is one good thing about being back in a busy corporate office, it's how much I appreciate coming home at the end of the day and having my weekends off.

I wish I could just detach myself from my job, and just leave at 5 pm. I have to start doing that. I am definitely taking my job way too seriously, and getting all stressed out for nothing.

I've stopped writing because I'm so stressed. Thank god, I haven't stop reading. Reading is very relaxing for me. Reading feels like an escape from my dreary world. Writing used to feel that way, but now it just feels like something else I have to do, something else I have to excel in, something else I have to stress about.

I'm staring to realize that writing is really like a job. I've got keep doing it regularly to get good, and keep doing it even when I feel like total shit. This attitude feels so wrong somehow. Writing used to be so fun, so escapist for me. I used to be able to escape in my writing, and start living in the world I was writing about. I used to find it relaxing to pretend to be someone else in my writing. I've got to figure out how to bring the fun back into my writing.

I think I just figured out why my new job is less than enjoyable right now. I'm so busy that I can't enjoy the feeling of accomplishment of doing things. As soon as I finish one project, I'm on to the next project.

My old boss told me that my new company was in really bad financial times a few years ago. They were losing money and not doing well. Then they got this huge, huge contract and that really pulled them out of the red ink.

I think because the new company has gone through some hard times, it feels like they're always playing catch-up. They're always running to keep up with the competition. The new company instituted a new policy of "expecting the unreasonable". I think one of my bosses takes it too far, but it's not just her. All the managers are trying to do that. The thing is, you can only do that if you know your people really well and you're not already understaffed.

Whatever. I know my attitude about my job has to change, or I'll just be very unhappy at work. And I can't spend 8-10 hours a day feeling unhappy. I just have to figure out a way to adapt my working style to the company's without stressing myself out. Maybe that means not leaving right at 5 pm, but leaving at 5:30 pm and then not worrying about my job. It all works out anyway, and I think I've forgotten this dictum these last few days.

I have major workaholic tendencies myself, so I know I can't blame my unhappiness soley on my job. I just have to transfer my workaholicness to my writing and away from my job. I know part of my unhappiness these last few days has been because I haven't been writing. Whatever I get out of writing, it must be enough to make me go through some serious withdrawal like symptoms when I stop doing it.

This week was especially hard though because I had my film history final tonight, and I spent every night since last Friday trying to study. I worked out on Saturday and Sunday, but didnt' write. Then I spent the rest of the week studying and didn't write or work out.

That's weird isn't it? For me to think that I'm going withdrawal because I'm not writing, like writng is a drug to me. If writing is a drug, I have no idea what I'm getting out of it. What's up with that? I'm not getting any tangible benefits, but I'm going through withdrawal when I don't write. But the whole whidrawal theory so makes sense, and as soon as I came up with the thought it was as if a huge weight was lifted from my shoulders because it feels so good when I figure things out and it makes sense inwardly.