Writing feels like I'm being crucified somehow. It's incredibly lonely and painful to bare your soul on paper, and I have constant thoughts which go something like "Oh god, why have you forsaken me? Why can't I just be like everyone else, and watch TV and have no inclination to express my creativing in such a revealing way. God, why did you abandon me? You know I'm a sissy, a wuss, and I hate pain and I hate being criticized. You know my ego is more fragile than glass sliver." Then I start wondering if an experience I had in my childhood is to blame for these feelings. Let me explain.

When I was 12 and going through that hormonal raging period, my aunt and uncle and their family had moved into our house. My uncle had just finished his residency to be a doctor, and they needed a place to live until he could pass the state medical bar exam and get a job. My uncle is a deeply religious catholic, and he went to mass constantly. I started going with him and my cousins, and became for a brief time like a born again catholic.

We went to Novena mass on Wednesday, some other service on Friday and of course church on Sunday. I even sang in my catholic church choir that year. When Easter came around that year, we went to Stations of the Cross mass and I became really caught up in the whole thing, so caught up that I used sob uncontrollably during the whole mass. I remember getting this idea in my silly 12 year old head that to really one with Jesus Christ, I needed a sign. So catholic huh, to want a sign. I remember going to the library, and looking up catholic signs and miracles. In this one book, I read about people who received stigmata in their hands and/or feet. Since it was easter, I decided that I wanted a stigmata to appear in my hands or feet so I could experience crucifixion with Jesus. Then I could go into the nunnery and be a bride of christ forever. Don't all young catholic girls fantasize about being chosen to be a nun, a bride of christ, a servant of the lord, pure, chaste and celibate for the rest of your life?

I remember praying every night and at each mass I went to, for god to give me stigmata. I remember wantng to really know what it was like to be crucified like Jesus. Of course, I never got my stigmata and well, then I discovered boys. It then occurred to me that maybe being a nun wasn't such a good idea. I was supremely disappointed I wasn't chosen to be a bride of christ and have stigmata, but then maybe feeling the pain of crucifixion wouldn't have been such a good idea either.

Is God now granting my wish and making me feel the pain of crucifixion in my writing? Had I known at age 12 it was going to be this painful, I wouldn't have prayed for it Does this mean be careful of what you might wish for, because you might get it some time before you die? What a scary thought!

I finished my screenplay outline and sent it to my screenwriting teacher today. I'm not sure if I'm happy with it, but at least it's done. What a labour of love writing is!!!

This has definitely been a hard week for me. I've been feeling very alone and isolated all week, except for yesterday when I went to see my optometrist for my annual eye exam. We started talking about the war on Iraq, and he compared it to Vietnam. He then told me he was a Vietnam war veteran, so we talked about his experiences for awhile. He enlisted early in 1965, and he said in 1965 there were less than 50,000 soldiers there, and that number grew in a few months to half a million. I had no idea. We started talking about boot camp, and I asked him if it was like that Stanley Kubrick movie "Full Metal Jacket". He said it was worse, and he was like the fat guy in the movie and was endlessly tortured by the other recruits. He dropped 25 pounds in 10 weeks, and at the end he stopped being afraid of getting into a fight. He said in boot camp, the recruits only get bullits when they go to the shooting range, so that part of Kubrick movie was probably unrealistic. He said the military knows better than to give recruits bullits, because if they did, the recruits would shoot the instructors.

It was nice of my optometrist to share a part of his life with me like that. I like when people open up and tell me their life story.

I think I may have been feeling so isolated, because I've been focused on getting my screenplay outline written. Writing is such a concentrated activity. It drains all my energy sometimes. I felt so isolated in bible class, which was strange, but I think I was so preoccupied with my screenplay that it was hard for me to relate to people in class.

I'm thinking of going out with friends tomorrow to see the author of "Trainspotting" read in some pub. I know I need to get out and socialize for a bit, before I start getting caught up in writing my screenplay. Tomorrow, I'm going to a Tibetan Energy Yoga class, which should be fun. I learned some tibetan yoga techniques in a seminar I took in May, and it's a different way of doing yoga than the normal indian style of yoga. Tibetan yoga is more like Tai Chi, in that it's very slow, deliberate and concentrated.

On Sunday, I'll start writing my screenplay. I'm kind of excitd about starting, and at the same time, I'm dreading it. It's that writer's fear coming up, I guess, big time, way big time.

I am so lazy and bad. I'm supposed to be working on my outline for my screenplay, so I can send it to my screenwriting teacher tomorrow for approval. I can't write my screenplay till she approves the revised outline. And I'm just stalling.

I'm thinking maybe I shouldn't enter this contest. I'll never finish the thing in time to send on October 31. I'm thinking I'm so not ready for anyone, let alone a panel of judges, to see my screenplay yet. I'm like, I don't have to write so other people can read my stories. I can just write for my own personal pleasure, and to hell with everyone else. I'm like, I'm stalling because working on the second draft is going to be so much harder than the inspirational first draft, and I'm so no ready to work that hard on my writing yet. I'm like, what if I fail at writing too, then what? What the hell else am I going to do to torture and amuse myself?

My new vacation dilemma.

My screenwriting teacher is offering a screenwriting retreat in Hawaii in January. My mom wants me to come and visit in January. I could go to the screenwriting retreat and then go and see my mom.

A friend of mine invited to go with her on a one week cruise to Mexico in March. I've never been on a cruise before, and I'm curious to know what they're like. I could use a holiday in Mexico, and it would be fun to lay in the sun for a week.

I can do one of these trips but not both. My friends tells me the Mexican cruise would only cost about $500, plus airfare to LA. The Hawaii trip with airfare and expenses for the retreat will probably run $500-$1000, and I'd be taking 10 days of vacation.

Part of me just wants to stay home and save money. The economy is so bad right, and who knows when it will get better. I should stay home, and save as much as possible and pay off my credit card debts. If I'm vigilant, I will be completely debt free by the end of next year. Debt free that is, except for my car. I have had credit card debt for the last 12 years, and once you start down that road it's hard to get off of it. I get close to paying it all off, then I just add more to it. I'm just sick of the cycle. I'm committed to getting it all paid off, and then never getting back into it. I'll still use my credit cards, but I'm determined to not let it get out of control anymore and pile up again. With all the churn about my job and the economy, getting rid of a stressor like debt will lighten my anxiety level.

I can always go to Hawaii another year, as well as go on a cruise later. I have three months to decide. I told my screenwriting teacher and my friend, that if I'm still gainfully employed at the end of the year, I'll consider a vacation. In the old days, I would thrown caution to the wind and gone to Hawaii and go on a mexican cruise. But that's how my debts piled up, and I'm not willing to do that anymore.