I'm depressed. No doubt about it. I feel like I'm living in the land of limbo.

I can't make my flight reservations to fly home because I don't know if grandma is going to be in Honolulu or on Kauai. My family just doesn't know. And I feel bad for betting on my corporate and financial instincts, which says her healthplan will boot her out as soon as possible to save money.

I work in the business, that's how it goes. I even designed a report for my healthcare organization which listed which of our patients were in the hospitals. Every morning the nurses used the report to make sure that patients didn't stay in the hospitals any longer than they had to. The financial model was always shorter hospital stays, because hospital stays are the number one expense driver.

Still I can't be sure, so I have to wait and waiting is depressing. So I watch TV, and lie on my bed thinking about life. Or I iron clothes just to keep busy.

I can't write. Writing feels stupid in a life and death situation. Who the hell cares if I have anything to say or any stories to tell. Life is ending for god's sake.

Or I think how my biggest fear was I would lead an ordinary boring life, and maybe I'm living my greatest fear. A friend from Santa Barbara had a word for this kind of life, but I can't think about it right now because thinking takes too much effort.

I wonder where my Santa Barbara friend is now. I'm sure she's living in New York City somewhere with her PR business, living the kind of life I thought I wanted but gave up. But if I was living like my Santa Barbara friend, I would have been living in NYC when 9/11 happened, and that wouldn't have been fun either.

But TV is fun, and watching old taped TV shows are fun.

I watched Witchblade last night. The creators of that show did such an incredible job of tying everything in the show together. They have to, it's part of the plot. Now that's a cool writing trick, making tying everything together part of the story.

The story of the Witchblade is it's an object of power which endows the wearer with special powers. When someone wears the witchblade everything in their life becomes connected, there are no accidents, everything in life becomes a lesson for the witchblade wearer to learn.

I wish I had something in my life that connected everything together. Maybe then I would understand what is going on in my life right now.

My thoughts are rambling like my life. All over the place, all at once, randomly going from one incident to the next, with no purpose. Sorry about that.

Does this mean you're on the verge of an emotional nervous breakdown when this song gives you crying jags?

Malibu by Hole

Crash and burn
All the stars explode tonight
How'd you get so desperate
How'd you stay alive
Help me please
Burn the sorrow from your eyes
Oh, come on be alive again
Don't lay down and die
Hey, hey
You know what to do
Oh, baby, drive away to Malibu
Get well soon
Please don't go any higher
How are you so burnt when
You're barely on fire
Cry to the angels
I'm gonna rescue you
I'm gonna set you free tonight, baby
Pour over me
Hey, hey
We're all watching you
Oh, baby, fly away to Malibu
Cry to the angels
And let them swallow you
Go and part the sea,
yeah, in Malibu
And the sun goes down
I watch you slip away
And the sun goes down
I walk into the waves
And I knew
Love would tear you apart
Oh and I knew
The darkest secret of your heart
I'm gonna follow you
Oh baby, fly away,
yeah, to Malibu
Oceans of angels
Oceans of stars
Down by the sea is where you
Drown your scars
I can't be near you
The light just radiates
I can't be near you
The light just radiates

The cute strawberry blondie boy was in my bible class this morning, and I was so shocked and freaked out. I was thinking I should've plunked my fat arse right next to him and start up a conversation but I'm way too stressed about my grandma dying to be thinking about getting to know some guy.

At least I was dressed okay, with my thigh high silk short skirt, two inch heels and hose, and semi-fitted sweater. I would've been felt worse if I was dressed like a slob, and at least I looked good I think.

Then after class he was right there in the social hall before the service started, and I was willing myself to go over to him and say something, but I just can't deal with the stress of having to meet someone new right now.

That old bible phrase kept going through my head, "knock and it shall be opened unto, seek and you shall find, etc". I had a perfect opportunity to introduce myself to the cutest single man I've seen walk into that church in years, and I blew it because I'm stressed out.

I'm bad, I'm so bad. So what do I do instead? I start talking to the ex-catholic brother guy who attends church, and I start telling him about the bad catholic sermon I heard on Thursday.

It was a total missed opportunity on my part, and another example of how my timing is so bad when it comes to men most of the time.

My only hope is he comes to bible class next couple of Sundays, and hopefully I'll get used to him being there and I'll calm myself down enough to introduce myself.

Too bad ex-catholic brother man isn't that attractive because I really like him. He's so spiritual, and really, really smart and really, really sweet guy to boot. Who knows if he even has thoughts in that direction anyway, since he was a catholic brother for 25 years.

This is all a moot discussion for me anyway. I'm like way to stressed out to even be thinking about starting a relationship.

I know when I go see my grandmother, I think I am leaving in two weeks, that emotionally I'm going to be a mess. I'm already an emotional mess as it is, and it can only get worse because even though I know I'll still see my grandma while she's still alive, it's only a matter of time before she dies.

And when she dies, I know I'm going to turn into a basket case and need time to mourn and reassess my life, and do all the things you need to do when someone you've loved all your life dies.

The next three months are definitely going to be an emotionally trying time for me, just when I thought my life was starting to calm down a little bit. The last thing I need is to get involved with some guy right now.

Grandma Update

They took her off the respirator yesterday, and she seems to breathing fine. Angioplasty was successful, and now they just need to watch her. Still it's touch and go I guess, until the doctors say she can fly home.

I'm planning a trip home in the next month or two, depending on what happens next with her care.

After 9/11, the media reported that people were feeling the urge to merge and were merging like there was no tomorrow, I guess because that's how some people felt.

I had the opposite reaction. If things had gone from bad to worse after 9/11, I knew I would survive better on my own than with someone I barely knew.

Now with this family tragedy, I'm feeling this overwhelming urge to merge. But I've had crisis boyfriends before, and although they've provided wonderful soft landings, the question becomes what do you with them after the crisis is over.

Because after every crisis, I started to not like every crisis boyfriend I was dating. It's not like I did it on purpose, it just happened that way. Crises tends to impair my judgement in a serious way, and I'm not sure I want to go through a stress of a lapse of judgement.