I'm depressed. No doubt about it. I feel like I'm living in the land of limbo.

I can't make my flight reservations to fly home because I don't know if grandma is going to be in Honolulu or on Kauai. My family just doesn't know. And I feel bad for betting on my corporate and financial instincts, which says her healthplan will boot her out as soon as possible to save money.

I work in the business, that's how it goes. I even designed a report for my healthcare organization which listed which of our patients were in the hospitals. Every morning the nurses used the report to make sure that patients didn't stay in the hospitals any longer than they had to. The financial model was always shorter hospital stays, because hospital stays are the number one expense driver.

Still I can't be sure, so I have to wait and waiting is depressing. So I watch TV, and lie on my bed thinking about life. Or I iron clothes just to keep busy.

I can't write. Writing feels stupid in a life and death situation. Who the hell cares if I have anything to say or any stories to tell. Life is ending for god's sake.

Or I think how my biggest fear was I would lead an ordinary boring life, and maybe I'm living my greatest fear. A friend from Santa Barbara had a word for this kind of life, but I can't think about it right now because thinking takes too much effort.

I wonder where my Santa Barbara friend is now. I'm sure she's living in New York City somewhere with her PR business, living the kind of life I thought I wanted but gave up. But if I was living like my Santa Barbara friend, I would have been living in NYC when 9/11 happened, and that wouldn't have been fun either.

But TV is fun, and watching old taped TV shows are fun.

I watched Witchblade last night. The creators of that show did such an incredible job of tying everything in the show together. They have to, it's part of the plot. Now that's a cool writing trick, making tying everything together part of the story.

The story of the Witchblade is it's an object of power which endows the wearer with special powers. When someone wears the witchblade everything in their life becomes connected, there are no accidents, everything in life becomes a lesson for the witchblade wearer to learn.

I wish I had something in my life that connected everything together. Maybe then I would understand what is going on in my life right now.

My thoughts are rambling like my life. All over the place, all at once, randomly going from one incident to the next, with no purpose. Sorry about that.