I've been journaling a ton on the tumultous events happening in my work life, and I think I've managed to calm myself down and to view what's happening a little more rationally. It took six days, but at least I'm not on edge anymore. I've also been praying and meditating a lot, and I'm sure it all helps.
One way I know I'm feeling better is I was able to write tonight. Yeah me! I started chapter 10 of my novel, and I wrote for thirty or so minutes and hand wrote 2.5 pages. I'm writing this chapter in from the male character's point of view, so the writing is going a little slower but hey, at least it's going.
Instead of trying to imagine what it's like to think like a guy, a feat that would be pretty impossible for me I think, I try to instead imagine the male character telling me his side of the story. And since my male character is based on someone I actually knew, I just imagine this particular guy telling me the story. It's weird, but it's working so far.
Wednesday, February 11, 2004
I had my first weigh in today with the new diet from ediets.com and I lost five pounds. YEAH!!! I'm back in the 150's. Ediets has all these charts and if I keep going and the weight keeps coming off by two pounds a week, I'll be 127 pounds by June 2. That's really small. I haven't weighed that little since college when I used to wear a size 4-6.
Whatever. I'm just glad the weight is coming off, and I don't feel that starving yet. Besides, my pants are fitting looser and that's always a good thing. I miss my size 8 jeans.
Whatever. I'm just glad the weight is coming off, and I don't feel that starving yet. Besides, my pants are fitting looser and that's always a good thing. I miss my size 8 jeans.
I was watching the movie, Hardball starring Keanu Reeves about a gambler forced to coach an inner city cabrini project chicago little league baseball team.
The movie was a little long, and a little predictable but it was so heart wrenching nonetheless. It made me feel spoiled because those kids lead such violent horrific lives. My family didn't have that much money growing up, but at least I grew up in a house with a big yard where my mother raised orchids. There was no city violence to worry about, no gangs, no guns and drive-by shootings.
That movie made me think about my "charmed life", and how I think I am now what I hated as a teen - "middle class". We weren't really poor, we weren't really rich, we were in the middle. By the time I came along I was the only kid in the house, and the family wasn't so financially strapped.
I grew up thinking there would always be money somehow and compared to those kids, I've become cavalier in my attitudes toward money. I just spent $83 to get my hair cut. I only get my hair trimmed three or four times a year, but still $83 is a lot for a shampoo, trim, style, and blowdry.
I remember when I used to go to Supercuts and beauty schools to get hair trimmed, and now I pay top dollar. I don't pay it without blinking an eye because I'm way too Jack Benny for that, but I still pay it.
I heard Suze Orman say on her television show that it's foolish to take spending money for granted because every little expense adds up. She's right. A couple of months ago I bought myself some new eating utensils. I could have bought cheaper ones, but nooooo, I had to have the ones with the pineapple tipped handles that were originally $200 for four place settings but which I bought on sale for $100.
I could have bought cheaper silverware, because in the long run does it really matter what your silverware is like. But nooooo, I had to have pineapple tipped ones because I want to have the tropics inspired things in my apartment.
Like what is is up with me wanting "tropic inspired" crap? Where did that come from? Or the time I wanted to decorate my kitchen in french country, and the time I wanted to decorate my bathroom so it had a caribbean/ocean flavour, and that other time I wanted to decorate my living room so it felt like I was living in a country cottage. Not to mention that I have obsession for owning brittish made dinnerware, and not just any old brit brand but Spode only.
Like where did I pick up all this silly decorator nonsense from? I'm like totally spoiled, living and acting spoiled, and there are kids living in the squalor of inner city housing projects. I'm experiecing a case of "middle class wealth guilt", and it's horrible!
The movie was a little long, and a little predictable but it was so heart wrenching nonetheless. It made me feel spoiled because those kids lead such violent horrific lives. My family didn't have that much money growing up, but at least I grew up in a house with a big yard where my mother raised orchids. There was no city violence to worry about, no gangs, no guns and drive-by shootings.
That movie made me think about my "charmed life", and how I think I am now what I hated as a teen - "middle class". We weren't really poor, we weren't really rich, we were in the middle. By the time I came along I was the only kid in the house, and the family wasn't so financially strapped.
I grew up thinking there would always be money somehow and compared to those kids, I've become cavalier in my attitudes toward money. I just spent $83 to get my hair cut. I only get my hair trimmed three or four times a year, but still $83 is a lot for a shampoo, trim, style, and blowdry.
I remember when I used to go to Supercuts and beauty schools to get hair trimmed, and now I pay top dollar. I don't pay it without blinking an eye because I'm way too Jack Benny for that, but I still pay it.
I heard Suze Orman say on her television show that it's foolish to take spending money for granted because every little expense adds up. She's right. A couple of months ago I bought myself some new eating utensils. I could have bought cheaper ones, but nooooo, I had to have the ones with the pineapple tipped handles that were originally $200 for four place settings but which I bought on sale for $100.
I could have bought cheaper silverware, because in the long run does it really matter what your silverware is like. But nooooo, I had to have pineapple tipped ones because I want to have the tropics inspired things in my apartment.
Like what is is up with me wanting "tropic inspired" crap? Where did that come from? Or the time I wanted to decorate my kitchen in french country, and the time I wanted to decorate my bathroom so it had a caribbean/ocean flavour, and that other time I wanted to decorate my living room so it felt like I was living in a country cottage. Not to mention that I have obsession for owning brittish made dinnerware, and not just any old brit brand but Spode only.
Like where did I pick up all this silly decorator nonsense from? I'm like totally spoiled, living and acting spoiled, and there are kids living in the squalor of inner city housing projects. I'm experiecing a case of "middle class wealth guilt", and it's horrible!
Tuesday, February 10, 2004
Just when I feeling really good about my life, something happens to destroy that feeling. It's always that way isn't it? It's not that my life has gone completely to hell in a hand basket, but I get totally freaked out when I don't feel secure about my job.
And right now I'm stressed about my job, and I've been waking up at 5 am sometimes 4 in the morning, worrying about what will happen to me. I haven't felt that way in a long time.
Even when my company was moving location last year and the possibility of being unemployed was real, I wasn't as freaked out as I am now. Last year in my old apartment, I could have handled being unemployed. It would have been hard, but I could have survived on unemployment and savings for a long time.
With the new apartment, surviving on unemployment and saving is still possibilty but not for very long. The new scenario scares me, and makes me wonder if I should have listened to my friend when she said not to move until I knew for sure that working from home was going to work to work out mutually for me and company.
I've gotten used to working from home but with my new boss who is a control freak, my remoteness is irksome to him, very irksome.
He doesn't know me, he's relatively new to the company and he's trying to prove that he deserved his VP promotion. And I get to be the sacrificial goat for his trial by fire. It's not a pleasant feeling. He's toned down his initial "lordiness", but it's still there. And I don't think he's going to forgive me for complaining to my old boss who is also his boss, about him pressuring me to move. In fact, he's already started to torture me in little ways.
And it's not like I haven't faced this situation before because I have, and when it happened I was able to find another job fairly quickly, so quickly that the new boss was so shocked that I resigned.
But I have fears. The economy is bad right now out here. There are a ton of jobs in my field right now and for my particular skill set, but it's a employer's market out there and I'm competing with bunches and bunches of people who are looking for jobs. Employers can pick and choose.
I mean, I have good feelings about my job prospects. I've never had problems finding employment before, but I don't I've ever had to look for a job in this tight of an economy.
I've dug out all my positive thinking books, and am reading them nightly. Those books helped me get through all my other job crises, and their principles do work. Let's just hope they'll work even now.
And right now I'm stressed about my job, and I've been waking up at 5 am sometimes 4 in the morning, worrying about what will happen to me. I haven't felt that way in a long time.
Even when my company was moving location last year and the possibility of being unemployed was real, I wasn't as freaked out as I am now. Last year in my old apartment, I could have handled being unemployed. It would have been hard, but I could have survived on unemployment and savings for a long time.
With the new apartment, surviving on unemployment and saving is still possibilty but not for very long. The new scenario scares me, and makes me wonder if I should have listened to my friend when she said not to move until I knew for sure that working from home was going to work to work out mutually for me and company.
I've gotten used to working from home but with my new boss who is a control freak, my remoteness is irksome to him, very irksome.
He doesn't know me, he's relatively new to the company and he's trying to prove that he deserved his VP promotion. And I get to be the sacrificial goat for his trial by fire. It's not a pleasant feeling. He's toned down his initial "lordiness", but it's still there. And I don't think he's going to forgive me for complaining to my old boss who is also his boss, about him pressuring me to move. In fact, he's already started to torture me in little ways.
And it's not like I haven't faced this situation before because I have, and when it happened I was able to find another job fairly quickly, so quickly that the new boss was so shocked that I resigned.
But I have fears. The economy is bad right now out here. There are a ton of jobs in my field right now and for my particular skill set, but it's a employer's market out there and I'm competing with bunches and bunches of people who are looking for jobs. Employers can pick and choose.
I mean, I have good feelings about my job prospects. I've never had problems finding employment before, but I don't I've ever had to look for a job in this tight of an economy.
I've dug out all my positive thinking books, and am reading them nightly. Those books helped me get through all my other job crises, and their principles do work. Let's just hope they'll work even now.
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