Sorry for not posting. I took the day off on Friday because I had to use my birthday holiday within 30 days, a company rule I didn't know existed until this year. Spent the whole day studying for my film history mid term next Thursday.

I was expecting to get a call back from that company I interviewed for on Tuesday, but there was no call. God, I hate interviewing for a new job!

I got so depressed and woke up sick and tired on Saturday, and spent most of the day in bed. I finally dragged myself out and called a friend and felt better after that. I was supposed to go to the Orchid show on Saturday too.

On Sunday, I woke up feeling the same way so I skipped church and slept till the late afternoon. I don't know if I'm really depressed or just coming down with something. One of my therapists told me once that sometimes it's okay to just do nothing except sleep. Sometimes your body just needs to shut down for awhile.

Went to bed on Sunday dreading my job, dreading my life, wondering how I was going to face it all. Some 12-step voice in my head kept saying "one day at a time, one day at a time".

Once I started working this morning I felt better. I have a ton of work to do this week preparing for a new client presentation on Friday. I called my boss this morning to talk about what I have to do for the week, and he was trying to be nice. Don't trust him though, which I feel bad about.

The consultant I work with called and asked me how the job was going. I told him I was looking for another job, and he said he was going to try and find out what was going on from some exec VP he works with. It's nice that he cares, but there's nothing he can do about my job situation.

I think I'm depressed because I really wanted that job I interviewed for on Tuesday. It was more responsibility than I'm used to, but I think I could have done it. The job was perfect too since the offices are in downtown San Francisco, and I wanted to work downtown again.

I keep telling myself it's okay, it was my first job interview in four years and I blew the interview because I'm so out of practice. But what freaks me out even more is my intuition kept telling me I had the job. I never get intuitions about any job I'm interviewing for, so I was really hopeful.

What a hoax! My intuition was so off! How can my intuition be so wrong? It's never been wrong like this before. It makes me think I can't trust myself, can't trust my intuition and that's so depressing. If I can't trust my gut instincts, what can I trust?

On the diet front, I lost one pound this week. I'm surprised I lost weight at all because I've been so stressed out and ate out twice last week.

We ended up going to Chevy's after the ballet because there was a half an hour wait at Max's and there was no room to wait at the bar. Those darn warm tortilla chips are just addictive, and we went through 2.5 baskets of chips. I also had a giant margarita, which I'm sure just upped my calorie count.

But I did only eat half my dinner, and took the rest home. The leftovers are still sitting in the freezer, and I can't decide whether to eat them or just throw them away. I took home half a chicken tamale, half a chile rileno, rice and beans.

I'm pretty happy with the diet because I'm not that hungry. I feel hunger pains, but I'm trying to ignore them and anyway they're not that severe yet. My size 8 Ralph Lauren jeans are fitting again, although I think theyr'e still too snug.

I've been doing a lot of personal journaling, so writing in the blog seemed redundant these last few days.

I think I'm still trying to process the events of February 5 and my desire to leave my job, so I'm journaling and doing exercises like crazy. I hate to leave a job where it's cosy and I've been relatively stress free for four years.

As I write that line, I wonder if I'm just fooling myself that that my job has been relatively stress free because it really hasn't. What's stress free is the level of work and the amount of hours that I work. What's not stress free is the constant reorganization that keeps going on in the company and has been going on since day one.

I had an interview on Tuesday that I thought was going pretty well, until we noticed there was a mistake on my resume. Damn! I hate that. What a bad first impression to leave on people. Oh well. I guess there could have been worse things that could have happened.

Three or four weird things did happen which I've been journaling about as well.

1) There was JC reference in my interview. I never had that happen to me before. I interviewed with two people and one of them said, "We don't expect you to turn water into wine." I think my mouth almost dropped open, like where the heck did that come from? My spiritual side likes to think that JC was there with me at my interview and somehow that was like my sign to know. But then again, I don't know what to think. I just don't remember ever hearing a JC reference ever in an interview.

2) One of the interviewers looked me straight in the eyes, and I felt my heart twinge as he said this like he was tryiing to speak to me heart to heart, that a lot of job was going to be staring at numbers and spreadsheets day in and day out. I think he was trying to tell me how boring the job can be, and I was thinking to myself that I've been staring at numbers in spreadsheets most of my working life.

3) At the end of the interview, they asked me if I had any questions and I started talking about where I saw the proram going in the future. I felt another heart twinge there, and I felt we really connected and they were impressed about my suggestions. A friend suggested that if they don't hire me, they'll steal my ideas but I don't care about that.

4) One of the interviewers had heard of my college, and said his brother-in-law taught art history there now. What a small world and what a weird connection to have with someone I just met.

I wasn't happy coming out of that interview, thinking that I stunk to high heaven, but I've never had a good feeling about any job interview I've ever had. Then I came home, and I received an intuition that I got the job but I don't know if I can trust that feeling.

They said they were interviewing other candidates and would let me know either the end of this week or the beginning of next, if they wanted to schedule me back for a second interview. They asked me when I could start because they want to fill the position in a month, and I said I needed to give two weeks notice to my current job.

It's a newly created position, which has its good and bad points. The bad point would be that there would be no on to train me on how to do the job, but that could also be a good point because I could make the job my own. But because it's a newly created position, I think there is a lot expectation as to what this person will do but no history to back up their expectations.

In other words, it's a fly by the seat of your pants kind of job and I haven't had one of those in four years. Well technically that's not true because my last three jobs were newly created positions, but it's also been four years since I've had to start over in a new job.

There is more stuff going on as well for me emotionally, since I think any job change brings up all kinds of stuff up. It's been a little stressful dealing with emotional stuff coming out. On the current job front, I've come to a neutral feeling about it and things have settled down and I'm busier than ever. Whenever my new boss calls, he's been very nice and not awkward with me as he was last week or the week before. If he could get over his control issues with me working at home, I think he might actually turn out be a good guy to work for in the end. But only time will tell right?

I woke up this morning, and plugged into my work computer and checked my employee manual. Today is a holiday for my company. For most of the companies I've worked for in the past, I never had this holiday off.

I sort of remember having this holiday off last year, but I guess I just forgot.