My second somewhat blissful day. No anxiety and I went to bed last night thinking I'm going to have a new love. Not sure what this means because the feeling was "new love" not "new boyfriend", so the "new love" could be anything.

I threw out all my old magazines from 1998-2000. I love keeping my old magazines, but they take up so much room. It was an emotional experience, like throwing out a part of myself and all my memories from those years.

Red-haired guy showed during up in my tibetan buddhist meditation session. I used to hate when he did that and stopped meditating because of it, but I was okay with it last night. He was standing next to JC, and I'm not sure what that means. I kind of muttered a complaint, but JC said it was okay that he was there. Whatever. There's a part of the meditation where you visualize leaving a temple and red-haired guy tried to hold my hand. That's never happened before and it was really sweet. I hope it's a good sign of something.

Okay, this insight is now freaking me and bringing tears to my eyes. Anxiety is all about doubt, doubt that God is there in your life and taking care of everything, doubt that you have the ability to handle whatever situation you're presently facing.

I didn't get this one, and it's so simple it's like DUH! I thought my anxiety was maybe everything else that was going on in my life but not doubt. I thought I had pretty strong faith, but I guess not.

Maybe faith is like listening. The extent to which you listen is about the extent to which you know you don't listen. I always thought I was a good listener, until I watched how much my wondered when I was listening to someone.

So having a strong faith would be the extent to which you have faith is about the extent to which you know you don't have faith, which would mean paying attention to the times you doubt. But doubt is so subtle and it sneaks up on you, and all the great spiritual teachers say that doubt is the last to go, always the last and the hardest to give up.

Not having doubt would mean complete surrender and I've never been able to achieve that ever, because I'm too smart and I think I always know better. And I love being smart and thinking of myself as smart and just thinking in general, and yet it always stands in the way, always shows up as a huge weakness in my life. But how you can stop doing something that comes so naturally? It's like so painful and so hard.

I just got what I think is a cool insight today. There's this thing I've been fearing might happen or might not happen. I wasn't really looking forward to either result, and it was driving me crazy. But then today I realized that if the thing happens that I fear, it will be fine because my life always works out and I can adapt easily to all kinds of situations. And if the thing doesn't happen, then that result will be fine as well that means the situation has ended and I can look forward to another thing starting up.

So like whatever happens I can't lose really, and I'm like so glad because I like to think of myself as a person who always lands on their two feet. I might be a little wobbly at first, maybe a little more than hurt and wounded but basically intact and able to move forward.

I heard a great sermon on TV this Sunday and the preacher kept saying that in the bible it says "This too will pass". And you know what, the preacher man is right. Life is always changing, never staying the same. If there's anything I can count on in life is that it's going to change, and this is a good thing. Change is good. Change means that bad situations get better. And isn't this a good thing?

I have been living out scenes like Mia Farrow's character in Woody Allen's "Broadway Danny Rose", which is one of my favourite movies. If you've seen the movie, you'll get the reference.

I don't want to jinx myself but I woke up happy today, happier anyway that I've been since November 29. I hope it lasts and lasts and lasts. This is my one christmas wish, that whatever anxiety I've been going through these last few months stop and I go back to being somewhat carefree and happy go lucky self who loved the life she was leading.