So one day you’re on the phone talking to the customer service rep who’s been emailing you because your just purchased very expensive product that is supposed to improve your health is actually making you nauseous. And you’re talking to him and trying to find out why you’re having adverse reactions, and in the midst of friendly chit chat you realize you have so much in common with the stranger on the phone. That your bodies react the same way to drugs and that he’s done several of the things you’ve done, plus to boot the guy played college football at home state school and as an 18-year old you always fantasized about dating football players from the home state university. But you’re at work and you’re in a cube farm where everyone can hear you, and he’s at work and answering the phones, and after twenty minutes you hang up because you’re both got a ton of work to do. And it’s not until you’ve hung up and go back to the spreadsheet you’re working on, that you realize that the guy was echoing back qualities you’d written down in your wish list of a perfect man when he was innocently telling you about himself. And at that exact moment of realization you feel your heart skipping a beat because you start to think that maybe Mr. Perfect does exist. And it isn’t until you’ve come out of a meeting later in the afternoon that you realize that the guy reminds you so much of your ex-husband, and that you haven’t met men like than in years. And then later on in the night as you’re having dinner in Macy’s Cellar before your 8 pm theater show, you realize that the guy who you had a twenty minute conversation on the phone made you feel safe, comfortable and normal and all other men that you thought you loved including the red-haired guy who you pledged undying devotion to months ago pale in comparison to this guy. And as you’re lying in bed in the wee hours of the morning unable to sleep you start to cry because you realize that the twenty minute conversation with the guy was like talking to your twin and you never thought you’d ever meet your twin nor did you ever believe in the twin concept until now. That talking to the customer service rep was like glimpsing a piece of heaven, heaven on earth that every girl dreams about when you meet the right guy. And you spill more tears because you realize how your ex-husband shattered the Mr. Perfect dream when you divorced and you’ve stayed away from guys like him ever since, even though guys like him are the ones you really, really like. And still more tears leave your eyes because you realize that once you’ve experienced a bit of heaven you can never go back and that maybe you never really loved the dozen or so men you thought you loved. And your last waking thought as you are finally falling asleep and the one that really breaks your heart is the right relationship is like having a piece of heaven on earth and the wrong relationship isn’t bad but it so pales compares in comparison to the real thing but you didn’t know it because your ex-husband spoiled it all for you and that it took a twenty minute conversation with a customer service rep who lives in Laguna Beach to set you straight.

And just to set the record straight, I did make myself go and see "Revenge of the Sith" again last Friday. And yes, I did cry at some point when "Ani" descends. I think the saddest part was when Padme tries to tell Obewon that "Ani still has good left in him" but dies before finishing the sentence. And then when Darth Vader asks about Padme, that was sad in a way because it showed he really did still care for her even though he tried to kill her before.

Oh yeah, and younglings about to die, that was sad. After the movie I started to think that maybe love was bad and a path to the dark side, because I'm still depressed, but then I realized that it's not love that's bad, its attachment that's bad. Ani was too attached to Padme, and attachment is a path to the dark side and not love. When you're too attached to an outcome, you end up not doing good things sometimes. Attachment is tied into emotions, and intense emotions like fear and anger are direct paths to the dark side. But not love, at least not love without attachment to results. But who is divine enough to have that kind of love 24/7. I think that's the tragedy of Anakin Skywalker. He was all too human and couldn't rise above the level of emotional attachmnents. Plus having intuitions about a bad future coming to pass probably doesn't help.

I love that my intuitions are coming true, but at the same time, it's kind of a pain because there are things that I sense that I don't want to come true. And with my schizophrenic intuitions I don't know which ones are true and which ones aren't, so half the time I'm like thinking "what is the point of having intuition if it's not completely reliable?"

Work has really been tough too. There are some weird political things happening at work, and I don't like it. The guy who I didn't like and thought was going to quit, quit on Tuesday. My intuition on that guy totally came true and that was kind of scary. I never liked the guy and as of March I knew the guy was going to quit.

Of course I was shocked when he did because my intuition is schizophrenic at times, but my prediction did come true. The guy quit because he didn't get along with the woman I have problems with, who is like the senior manager in our department. I don't blame him. The woman is like an insecure junior high cheerleader terrorist who is not very smart, but works very hard at trying to please and kiss ass her bosses, and those types in corporate America tend to do very well. But she is like so disorganized. She's a good project manager, but she's so scattered. She thinks she's smart but she's really not, and it really shows sometimes. Plus she's the type who has to be right about everything and if you do like I did and be stupid enough to challenge her, you're on her shit list forever.

I think the woman positively hates and the feeling is mutual. The problem is she's my boss's boss. I try to steer clear away from her, but it's hard. The woman hates me so much, she never invites me to any meetings that I should probably be attending and someone from another department asked why she never copies me on email that I should be getting. I wanted to tell him it's because she's a vindictive immature bitch, but I just said "I don't know". This guy is new and he's always commenting to me on how scattered this woman is. I always want to agree with him, but I know if I do and she finds out about it, she'll make my work life more of a hell than it already is.

I think my boss knows and I can't stand her, and tries to make sure I'm not involved in projects with her but it's hard. My intuition is telling me that she won't be around in August because of some other political stuff going on at work and I hope my intuition is right.

The woman has three kids and only is in the office two days a week, and works from home three days a week. My company just laid down a policy that if you have direct reports, starting on August 1, you have to be in the office five days a week. The woman I can't stand is trying to get an exemption, but I don't she'll get one. I know the guy who is quiting is the vindictive type and he'll like totally blast her in his HR exit interview. She's already had three employees quit who worked directly for her in the year I've worked there, and all for the same reason - because she's hard to get along with and very disorganized.

That's the thing I've learnt in my experience in corporate america, no one is indispensible. You think you are but you're not. And not especially at my company where they've let go at one senior executive a month since December. My boss's boss might think she's indispensible but the VP for our division axed his right hand man two months ago. Now if he can do that, I don't think he'll have any problem getting rid of other people. But I'll have to see.

Yes, I'm still around but I haven't felt much like posting or writing for that matter. I took a seminar in Monterey on Saturday June 11 called "Creating the Love of your Life", and I'm like so depressed now. I took it with a friend of mine and she's depressed as well.

It's kind of like I feel so let down. Like, I created this huge list of what I want in a relationship and I think I'm depressed because I don't think I'll ever find this guy. Never mind that the womwan who created the seminar has an 85% success rate and that the woman who recommended the seminar to me is now married to a guy who she says fulfills 95% of the things she wanted in a guy and in a relationship, I'm like so what. Maybe that can happen to them but not to me. I think I'm just detoxing from all my issues about love and relationships.

Of course, silly me decided after Monterey to go and see "Revenge of the Sith" on Sunday. That was a mistake. I couldn't get my butt in gear so I ended up on Muni at the last possible second thinking I have half an hour to get downtown. But as luck would have it, stupid Muni train breaks down so I miss the first 10 minutes of the movie.

And I was so not in the mood to watch "Ani" descend into the dark side, that I just walked out of the theatre in a daze. Then I decided I needed to a friend's housewarming party in the Haight, which of course was happening during the middle of the Haight Street Fair.

What a zoo that fair is! There were no good bands, and just a bunch of wannabee hippie types milling around. My last experiene of the Haight Street Fair was years ago when I happened upon it and there was this fantastic blues band playing at 10 am. I was my usual dancing self and dancing right in front of the band, and was ignoring the band guy who kept gesturing for me to get up on the stage and dance. The music was great and I wasn't about the join the rest of the flower chicks trying to dance on stage.

But it was great to see my friend since I hadn't seen in her in weeks and wouldn't be seeing her all summer since she's off to Costa Rica and then New Jersey for the summer. But after about 1.5 hours I was dead. I just wanted to go home and process my seminar and lie in bed and wait for depression to come.