So I guess this is typical for a guy who's been a football player but it is kind of weird. M-Sqaure and I were talking about Oliver Stone's movie "Any Given Sunday" and how we both thought that it's such a great movie last night.

I happened to mention the chicks in the bathroom scene and M-Square says nostalgically with a sigh in his voice, "There's nothing like like snorting blow off of a woman's breast. Ahhh. Those were the days."

And I'm like okay. He doesn't do that kind of stuff any more and that won't be happening to me, but you have to wonder if he doesn't miss that jock world. I'm like thinking, what is he going to do with me? I am so not a football player type girl, although I dated a guy who played at San Jose State and almost went pro. Not to mention I dated this other guy who played semi-professional soccer in England and another guy from Austin who was 6 ft 7 in and played professional soccer in Europe. Plus there is that one guy who was 7 ft and played basketball at St Mary's in Moraga and then for the Detroit Pistons. Oh yeah, and there was the weekend with the playgirl centerfold guy who I swear to god looked like the Michaelangelo's David statue only he was a blondie boy and very, very, very dumb.

I'm just a spiritual girl who wants to write for a living.

I was telling a friend of mine last night how much I'd always wished I had a guy who said "I love you" constantly, or "love you" as a sign off after a phone conversation. You spend years wishing for this kind of stuff to happen to you, and when it finally does, it's like "whatever".

Red-haired guy did it first. Tossing the L word around like it was so common. I still remember one of our last conversations where I was so mad at him and he told me "I love you" three times on the phone and I just didn't say anything back.

Well, M-Square said the L word very casually of course on the phone on Wednesday. We were hanging up and he said "love you", and my reaction was like "whatever". I didn't say that of course and just hung up the phone. But inside I'm like thinking don't use the L word unless you really mean it. Don't profane the word that way because it really means something. I never use the L word unless in the moment I think I really mean it.

But it's so ironic because after all these years two guys in a row have fulfilled this little fantasy of mine, and I'm not as happy nor as thrilled and ecstatic as I thought I would be. It's sad and very close to tragic I think.

I was starting to think last night that maybe I should stay at my company. Things have been going really great all week. I think my boss shared the conversation I had with her with my other two bosses because they've been nicer. The one person I don't get along with suggested I go to this conferene in Washington DC in early September if the medical director doesn't go. Last night I was really starting to have some regrets because one of the companies I sent my resume to last week called, and I have a telephone interview scheduled for Monday afternoon. It's not the company I want to work for, but they are in downtown San Francisco and from what I know about them it's a good company.

Then I got into work today thinking the two people I don't get along wouldn't be there and how nice my Friday would be, and boom! One of them was there. Talk about a major bummer. I thought the woman was leaving to go on vacation. But then she left and I felt better. Then the other guy I can't stand showed up later and I thought he was going to be out all afternoon.

And I'm like you know, as much as I'm starting to have regrets, it totally sucks to work with people you don't trust and like and have to sit in the same row with. I've never had this experience before. I've never been in a department of coworkers where I didn't like everyone. There's only ten of us in the whole group, so it's a small group.

To me it was like that old saying, one bad apple can spoil the whole bunch. It's so true, except in my case it's three bad apples. I was asking for a sign to let me know if I needed to stay at my job, and I think this was my sign. No matter how much better the job gets, these peoeple are going to be around me for awhile. It's so not worth it to spend 8-10 hours a day sitting next to people you don't like or trust. It's such a drain on my energy to have to watch my back constantly and wonder if they're spying on me, or what kind of BS they're cooking up against me.

Too bad too, because the job has gotten so much better now that my boss has told everyone how unhappy I am. Oh well. It looks like the universe wants me to leave the place and I'm just following the signs.

So we're in a mercury retrograde, and during one people from your past are supposed to show up so you can review your past. Yesterday I was thinking to myself that no one from my past has shown up yet, and wasn't I lucky. The last time there was a mercury retrograde my ex-boyfriend from 1995 called and left me a voicemail asking if we could get together.

I went out with this guy off and on for a period of six months, and he still calls me to go out. And I know he had to search for my phone number because when I moved I didn't tell him I was moving. I didn't even tell him I changed email services either.

I think the last time I saw him was maybe three or four years ago when I ran into him on Union Square when I getting a haircut. We went out to dinner that night and it was okay because it so reminded me why I broke up with him. Why this guy keeps calling me is such a mystery.

Anyway, after I had the thought that I wasn't going to have an ex-from-the-past experience I decided that I better not think that because everytime I've reassured myself that something isn't going to happen it always does. Then I got the intuition that the red-haired guy would call me this week.

And sure enough, he left a message on my home voicemail today saying he was going through some old email and found mine, and that he wanted to get together for a cocktail and hoped life was treating me well. I so knew he was going to call even though I haven't heard from him since December when I lied and told him I met a new guy after we broked up. I only lied because I knew it was the only way he was going to stay away from me and it worked.

But then I broke down in June and told him about my December lie in an email because I was trying to clear him out of my space and I always felt guilty that I lied to him that way. So now two months later he decides to call me.

I really want to call him back to find out how he's doing. I mean, the guy said when we first met that we would be friends for a long time, "for life". He said that then and even when we were breaking up, so I guess it's not that out of character that he would call.

But I don't know. As much as I want to talk to him, I don't want to get entangled up with him again even it was just to be friends. I don't think it's good for either of us. And I don't want to ever tell the red-haired guy that I found out on June 23 that I never really loved him and that everything I said to him last year was just one big delusion. That would so hurt him and I'm not into doing that right now. I know the red-haired guy loved me as much as it was possible for someone like him to love anyone, and part of me will always feel grateful for that experience.

I mean, I don't feel anything inside. I was teary-eyed just for a nanosecond, but then the feeling passed. M-Square put my whole love life in perspective for me, and hearing the red-haired guy's voicemail confirmed it.