Try this very soon, before someone gets Google to change its site:
1) Go to www.google.com (it also works with google.de)
2) Type in: weapons of mass destruction (DO NOT hit return button!)
3) Hit the "I'm feeling lucky" button, NOT the "Google search"
4) Read the "error message" carefully.
Someone at Google has a sense of humor. And will probably be fired soon...
Friday, October 29, 2004
Thursday, October 28, 2004
Sunday October 24 wasn’t much better, except it did stop raining. My six-year old niece promptly woke up at 5 am, because to her little body she was still on Texas time and it was 7 am there. Kids are great because they’re like automatic alarm clocks, but if you’re tired then maybe having a living breathing automatic alarm clock in the house isn’t a good idea.
My aunt from Florida called and wanted us to meet them for lunch, so we hopped in the car and went to Oakland. The thing with having a kid is you have to build an extra hour into everything you do, because you have to make sure they get dressed and ready as well. Then there’s the let’s load up a bag with things for the kid to do because god forbid the kid gets bored and starts running around and wrecking havoc all over the place.
We picked up my aunt and uncle at their hotel and went to Jack London Square for lunch. Since my niece was with us we wanted to go to a kid-friendly place with kiddie menus, so we ended at TGIF’s. The place was loaded with families and their children out for Sunday brunch, so at least we were at the right kind of place. TGIF’s even had a menu and pack of crayons to give to kids to keep them entertained while they wait with their parents for their food.
At the end of the luncheon, my six-year old niece pulls out her lipstick, lip gloss and mirror and starts doing her lips. My aunt had this horrified look on her face as she wanted my niece. I had seen my niece do this the day before so I wasn’t surprised. Afterwards my aunt confided in me that she had never seen a girl so young put on lipstick before by herself. I laughed and told her, “They start them very young these days. You should see her perfectly manicured toe nails.” Did I mention that my niece gets manicures and pedicures from her dad when he comes to town?
The body viewing and wake for my uncle was at 2 pm, and at 5 pm there was going to be a rosary. Finding the funeral home was an ordeal. I hate driving in suburbs. The streets aren’t well marked and you can so easily lost, but after circling around twice we finally managed to find the place.
My six-year old niece is a trip. She had never seen a dead body in her life, and she just marched herself right up to the casket and touched the dead body of her grandfather. I’ve been going to funerals since I was little and I never did that. Everyone was kind of in awe and shock, because some members of the family couldn’t even walk to the casket let alone touch the dead body.
And since it was a funeral, the family traumarama continued. My departed uncle’s first wife, the mother of my cousin, showed up with her other two children. I didn’t think my aunt was going to show up because she had gone through a very acrimonious divorce with my uncle, and was still bitter and angry. My uncle was still with the woman who had broken up her marriage and family, and had been with her for over 27 years. Can you blame her? I don’t know if I could have forgiven the guy either. But hey we’re all civil and it’s funeral after all, and instead of the family-screaming match I had been expecting, my side of the family was very cordial and friendly. My other aunt’s family was smart, and they just stayed away. My uncle had been very vocal in his life about his feelings towards his first wife.
And this all happened in the first two hours of the body viewing. We still haven’t gotten to the rosary. More to come.
My aunt from Florida called and wanted us to meet them for lunch, so we hopped in the car and went to Oakland. The thing with having a kid is you have to build an extra hour into everything you do, because you have to make sure they get dressed and ready as well. Then there’s the let’s load up a bag with things for the kid to do because god forbid the kid gets bored and starts running around and wrecking havoc all over the place.
We picked up my aunt and uncle at their hotel and went to Jack London Square for lunch. Since my niece was with us we wanted to go to a kid-friendly place with kiddie menus, so we ended at TGIF’s. The place was loaded with families and their children out for Sunday brunch, so at least we were at the right kind of place. TGIF’s even had a menu and pack of crayons to give to kids to keep them entertained while they wait with their parents for their food.
At the end of the luncheon, my six-year old niece pulls out her lipstick, lip gloss and mirror and starts doing her lips. My aunt had this horrified look on her face as she wanted my niece. I had seen my niece do this the day before so I wasn’t surprised. Afterwards my aunt confided in me that she had never seen a girl so young put on lipstick before by herself. I laughed and told her, “They start them very young these days. You should see her perfectly manicured toe nails.” Did I mention that my niece gets manicures and pedicures from her dad when he comes to town?
The body viewing and wake for my uncle was at 2 pm, and at 5 pm there was going to be a rosary. Finding the funeral home was an ordeal. I hate driving in suburbs. The streets aren’t well marked and you can so easily lost, but after circling around twice we finally managed to find the place.
My six-year old niece is a trip. She had never seen a dead body in her life, and she just marched herself right up to the casket and touched the dead body of her grandfather. I’ve been going to funerals since I was little and I never did that. Everyone was kind of in awe and shock, because some members of the family couldn’t even walk to the casket let alone touch the dead body.
And since it was a funeral, the family traumarama continued. My departed uncle’s first wife, the mother of my cousin, showed up with her other two children. I didn’t think my aunt was going to show up because she had gone through a very acrimonious divorce with my uncle, and was still bitter and angry. My uncle was still with the woman who had broken up her marriage and family, and had been with her for over 27 years. Can you blame her? I don’t know if I could have forgiven the guy either. But hey we’re all civil and it’s funeral after all, and instead of the family-screaming match I had been expecting, my side of the family was very cordial and friendly. My other aunt’s family was smart, and they just stayed away. My uncle had been very vocal in his life about his feelings towards his first wife.
And this all happened in the first two hours of the body viewing. We still haven’t gotten to the rosary. More to come.
Wednesday, October 27, 2004
My Friday night wasn’t so bad. As soon as I told red-haired guy we needed to be friends, my anxiety stopped and it’s not come back. Not sure what this means or if what I said to him had anything to do with it, but at least my anxiety is gone for now.
On Saturday, I went to pick my cousin and her six-year-old daughter up at the airport. It was a rainy day in San Francisco and it was kind of depressing. They were hungry so went to Stonestown, a local mall on the way home, to eat and shop. My cousin said her daughter didn’t have any black clothes, so we went shopping for kids clothes.
My six-year-old niece is very talkative, very spoiled, and striking self-possessed for her age. We went into this shop called ‘The Children’s Place’, and I pulled out what I thought looked like a nice black stretch velvet dress. My niece took one look at the dress and said, ‘That’s not my style. The clothes here are all ugly too.’ I took one look at my cousin, and she said her daughter was very picky about clothes. So I said fine, let’s go to Nordstrom to see what we can find.
We headed up to the Nordstrom Children’s department. My niece saw a mannequin wearing a long black stretch velvet skirt, a glittery black tee-shirt and a black sweater with a fake black fur collar, and said ‘I like this outfit, it’s my style.’ I looked at the price of the outfit and it was about $100. I mean she was right, there weren’t other decent outfits in black in the whole place, but to hear that coming from a six-year-old was a little odd.
The same thing happened when we tried to get shoes. My niece was so picky about her shoes, that my cousin told the salesperson to just bring every black shoe out in my niece’s size. My niece looked at every shoe carefully before picking out a pair of black patent mary jane flats, pairing them with white sox with a glittery fringe. My cousin added a headband and forked out $150 for her six-year-old’s daughter’s outfit.
Kid’s clothes are so expensive. All the grown up shoe brands had miniature versions of their shoes in the children’s shoe section. I saw a couple buying a pair of Nikes for their baby in diapers. Manufacturers are smart. They start out brand loyalty on the very young.
On Saturday, I went to pick my cousin and her six-year-old daughter up at the airport. It was a rainy day in San Francisco and it was kind of depressing. They were hungry so went to Stonestown, a local mall on the way home, to eat and shop. My cousin said her daughter didn’t have any black clothes, so we went shopping for kids clothes.
My six-year-old niece is very talkative, very spoiled, and striking self-possessed for her age. We went into this shop called ‘The Children’s Place’, and I pulled out what I thought looked like a nice black stretch velvet dress. My niece took one look at the dress and said, ‘That’s not my style. The clothes here are all ugly too.’ I took one look at my cousin, and she said her daughter was very picky about clothes. So I said fine, let’s go to Nordstrom to see what we can find.
We headed up to the Nordstrom Children’s department. My niece saw a mannequin wearing a long black stretch velvet skirt, a glittery black tee-shirt and a black sweater with a fake black fur collar, and said ‘I like this outfit, it’s my style.’ I looked at the price of the outfit and it was about $100. I mean she was right, there weren’t other decent outfits in black in the whole place, but to hear that coming from a six-year-old was a little odd.
The same thing happened when we tried to get shoes. My niece was so picky about her shoes, that my cousin told the salesperson to just bring every black shoe out in my niece’s size. My niece looked at every shoe carefully before picking out a pair of black patent mary jane flats, pairing them with white sox with a glittery fringe. My cousin added a headband and forked out $150 for her six-year-old’s daughter’s outfit.
Kid’s clothes are so expensive. All the grown up shoe brands had miniature versions of their shoes in the children’s shoe section. I saw a couple buying a pair of Nikes for their baby in diapers. Manufacturers are smart. They start out brand loyalty on the very young.
My life these last few days have a tangle of emotions. I took Friday October 22 off because I kind of just felt like staying home and dealing with the news of my uncle’s death. I had scheduled to take two days off for his wedding in November, so I told my boss I was going to take the time off now. She was very nice, and said take as much time as I needed.
I had a major, major anxiety attack on Friday morning, so major that my hand was shaking like I had Parkinson’s or something, and I was afraid to leave the house. I talked to a friend of mine, and she wanted me to call my primary care physician and get a prescription for an anti-depressant. In between all of this, my family kept calling telling me of their plans to fly into San Francisco and could I pick them up. Then my aunt and uncle who were already visiting from Florida were asking me if I was going to hang out with them that day.
I also spoke that morning to my dearly departed uncle’s wife and I asked her if she had called my uncle’s estranged children to let them know he was dead. She was understandably scattered, and told me "I’m sure somebody is calling them." I was concerned about my cousin, my uncle’s daughter who lives out in Texas, so I emailed her.
Next thing I know, my cousin calls me back and just starts wailing on the phone for five minutes. Poor thing. Nobody told her. I felt so bad for so I suggested that she could stay at my house, then I felt guilty because I knew if she took me up on the offer I was going to have to figure out how to get my aunt and cousin from the airport on Saturday night. My cousin said she’d let me know later that night if she was coming and all the details.
Then I got more freaked out and called my brother because I figured nobody told him either. My brother was his usual calm self, and did his best to ease my fears. He’s a good brother for that kind of thing. Then afterwards I called red-haired guy and told him we should be friends because life is short, and it hurt too much to not be friends at him. I was like "this close" to being okay with never having contact with him again for the rest of my life, and now I was like in tears on the phone telling the guy we needed to be friends.
And this was just my Friday day. More later.
I had a major, major anxiety attack on Friday morning, so major that my hand was shaking like I had Parkinson’s or something, and I was afraid to leave the house. I talked to a friend of mine, and she wanted me to call my primary care physician and get a prescription for an anti-depressant. In between all of this, my family kept calling telling me of their plans to fly into San Francisco and could I pick them up. Then my aunt and uncle who were already visiting from Florida were asking me if I was going to hang out with them that day.
I also spoke that morning to my dearly departed uncle’s wife and I asked her if she had called my uncle’s estranged children to let them know he was dead. She was understandably scattered, and told me "I’m sure somebody is calling them." I was concerned about my cousin, my uncle’s daughter who lives out in Texas, so I emailed her.
Next thing I know, my cousin calls me back and just starts wailing on the phone for five minutes. Poor thing. Nobody told her. I felt so bad for so I suggested that she could stay at my house, then I felt guilty because I knew if she took me up on the offer I was going to have to figure out how to get my aunt and cousin from the airport on Saturday night. My cousin said she’d let me know later that night if she was coming and all the details.
Then I got more freaked out and called my brother because I figured nobody told him either. My brother was his usual calm self, and did his best to ease my fears. He’s a good brother for that kind of thing. Then afterwards I called red-haired guy and told him we should be friends because life is short, and it hurt too much to not be friends at him. I was like "this close" to being okay with never having contact with him again for the rest of my life, and now I was like in tears on the phone telling the guy we needed to be friends.
And this was just my Friday day. More later.
Thursday, October 21, 2004
So I decided to join the National Novel Writing Month group again, and I'm about to write a novel in November. I wasn't going to do it, but I think the exercise of writing every day will keep my mind off my roller coaster ride of a life. My life is one big trauma right now, and I need to do some serious writing to keep me from getting too depressed.
I got into this habit where I'm writing constant letters to my future self 20 years into the future, to ask advice about what I'm going through. It's really trippy because my future self writes back about a future I'm supposed to have which seems so impossible. My future self says she went through the same things I have, but she never wrote letters to her future self the way I'm doing right now. She keeps saying some things in a person's timeline can't be changed. Anyway it's kind of like having an running argument with myself, and it kind of keeps me amused and thinking about things.
But my future self letters have me really interested in writing a story about a character trying to change her future. So I titled my new novel "Changing Timelines", and it will be about a character who discovers a way to remote view into the future and who of course (like her creator) so does not like the future she sees that she tries desperately to change the timeline.
My future self keeps writing to me that while I do have free choice and free will in my life, some timelines cannot be changed. And when my future self says timelines, she means that a certain person will always be in my life no matter what I do. She says it doesn't matter what I do or don't do, if the other person does choose to take a different path, then the person remains in my timeline.
I hate her vision of the how the future works, because it makes me across like a passive victim and I don't believe I'm that. But my future self insists that there are other forces, divine forces at work, that brought us together and which I cannot tear apart. And I hate this interpretation! So I spend many letters arguing about free will, free choice, divine intervention, god's will, god's plan, and on an on with my future self. I am definitely at war with myself right now, and I guess it helps psychologically to argue with myself on paper.
Anyway, all this traumarama makes for an interesting novel about what a person would be willing to do to change a future they don't want. Like how far would my character be willing to go to change her future? Would she be willing to commit crimes, maybe even murder to change her future? I couldn't do that myself, so maybe I need to write about a character who does just to see how far I would really go in a fictional world.
I could explore the ethics lesson I had in grade school. Does the ends equal the means or the means equal the end? In other words, would I be willing to kill if it meant I would be preventing something equally horrible happening. And in grade school I told my teacher I don't know, it depends on the situation. And she just looked at me and said I was "situationalist" and that I saw the world in shades of grey and not in black and white. Looks like I was a post modernist thinker even in my youth. You can thank my hippie grade school teachers for it. They started us on the post modernist track very young.
I got into this habit where I'm writing constant letters to my future self 20 years into the future, to ask advice about what I'm going through. It's really trippy because my future self writes back about a future I'm supposed to have which seems so impossible. My future self says she went through the same things I have, but she never wrote letters to her future self the way I'm doing right now. She keeps saying some things in a person's timeline can't be changed. Anyway it's kind of like having an running argument with myself, and it kind of keeps me amused and thinking about things.
But my future self letters have me really interested in writing a story about a character trying to change her future. So I titled my new novel "Changing Timelines", and it will be about a character who discovers a way to remote view into the future and who of course (like her creator) so does not like the future she sees that she tries desperately to change the timeline.
My future self keeps writing to me that while I do have free choice and free will in my life, some timelines cannot be changed. And when my future self says timelines, she means that a certain person will always be in my life no matter what I do. She says it doesn't matter what I do or don't do, if the other person does choose to take a different path, then the person remains in my timeline.
I hate her vision of the how the future works, because it makes me across like a passive victim and I don't believe I'm that. But my future self insists that there are other forces, divine forces at work, that brought us together and which I cannot tear apart. And I hate this interpretation! So I spend many letters arguing about free will, free choice, divine intervention, god's will, god's plan, and on an on with my future self. I am definitely at war with myself right now, and I guess it helps psychologically to argue with myself on paper.
Anyway, all this traumarama makes for an interesting novel about what a person would be willing to do to change a future they don't want. Like how far would my character be willing to go to change her future? Would she be willing to commit crimes, maybe even murder to change her future? I couldn't do that myself, so maybe I need to write about a character who does just to see how far I would really go in a fictional world.
I could explore the ethics lesson I had in grade school. Does the ends equal the means or the means equal the end? In other words, would I be willing to kill if it meant I would be preventing something equally horrible happening. And in grade school I told my teacher I don't know, it depends on the situation. And she just looked at me and said I was "situationalist" and that I saw the world in shades of grey and not in black and white. Looks like I was a post modernist thinker even in my youth. You can thank my hippie grade school teachers for it. They started us on the post modernist track very young.
It's definitely a sign of something that the Boston Redsox beat the evil NY Yankees empire. Yes, there are miracles sometimes in life, if only for a little while.
Pray for my repose of my uncle's soul who was sick back on memorial day. He passed this afternoon. My aunt said he knew it too, and even though he was serene and peaceful at the end, tears rolled out of his right eye. My aunt said it was sad, very sad. He was young too, only 61 years old and about to retire. He and my aunt were looking forward to spending their golden years together.
You just never know when you're going to go.
Pray for my repose of my uncle's soul who was sick back on memorial day. He passed this afternoon. My aunt said he knew it too, and even though he was serene and peaceful at the end, tears rolled out of his right eye. My aunt said it was sad, very sad. He was young too, only 61 years old and about to retire. He and my aunt were looking forward to spending their golden years together.
You just never know when you're going to go.
Tuesday, October 19, 2004
After all the dramarama of running into my ex-hubby, and then spending half an hour talking to a friend of mine in front of Blockbuster as she tried to calm me down about running into him, I did manage to get to Starfreaks and write for an hour.
I had some more things to write for Elf Girl story, mainly how my main character hated the younger brother for dying and leaving her to defend the kingdom and lead the armies. It's irrational to hate a six-year old for dying because it's not like he had a choice, but my main character is a child herself and she has to be angry at someone. So why not hate the younger brother for dying and leaving her to deal with the mess?
Plus there's the guilt she has for being unprepared to fight, the guilt for the irrational hatred of her brother, the anger for being robbed of her childhood, the guilt for all the mistakes she made in those first few years which almost led to the complete decimation of her army.
Irrational anger and guilt intertwined like challah bread is really weird and interesting to write about. And I wrote it all on my new Palm Tungsten E with my mini free foldup keyboard. I love it. I don't need to be near an outlet, and I can just type away. I probably should figure out how to get an extra power source, should I ever run out of juice. Writing for an hour wiped out about 1/3 of my battery power. Still, it beats having to lug a laptop around right now.
I had some more things to write for Elf Girl story, mainly how my main character hated the younger brother for dying and leaving her to defend the kingdom and lead the armies. It's irrational to hate a six-year old for dying because it's not like he had a choice, but my main character is a child herself and she has to be angry at someone. So why not hate the younger brother for dying and leaving her to deal with the mess?
Plus there's the guilt she has for being unprepared to fight, the guilt for the irrational hatred of her brother, the anger for being robbed of her childhood, the guilt for all the mistakes she made in those first few years which almost led to the complete decimation of her army.
Irrational anger and guilt intertwined like challah bread is really weird and interesting to write about. And I wrote it all on my new Palm Tungsten E with my mini free foldup keyboard. I love it. I don't need to be near an outlet, and I can just type away. I probably should figure out how to get an extra power source, should I ever run out of juice. Writing for an hour wiped out about 1/3 of my battery power. Still, it beats having to lug a laptop around right now.
My past is coming back to haunt me.
Haunt # 1 - On the way to the movie rental place last night, I ran into my ex-husband. Talk about shocking! I hadn’t seen him in what, 14 or more years. We talk on the phone and we email, but I haven’t seen him in ages. I think the last time I saw him was at a gathering in Portland Oregon of mutual friends.
I was so freaked out, I think I was kind of rude to him and then when he wanted to me to meet his girlfriend, I was like "I don’t think so." It’s not like I’m jealous, it’s more like I don’t really want to know that much about his personal life. My ex-hub was his usual nasty self and he lashed out and said "she loves me more than you ever did", which was really quite uncalled for and very inappropriate. But you know, the guy was probably right. We were never a good fit, and we couldn’t love each other the way we each needed to be loved to make the marriage last. He’s been with his girlfriend longer than we were ever together, although they still aren’t married and don’t even live together.
Haunt # 2 – While waiting in the rain for the train to take me to work, this guy comes over and starts talking to me about how late the trains were. Talk about blast from the past. The guy looked exactly like the kind of guy I wanted to marry in college. He was your typical New York City jewish looking intellectual type with glasses, a little nerdy, tall with dark hair and brown eyes. He was the kind of guy I would fantasize that I would be married to, and living with in an apartment on Central Park West. We would go to old movies and argue about them like in a Woody Allen movie. We would take walks in Central Park, explore the Village on the weekends, go to the Met or the Guggenheim to see art, and hunt around furiously for cheap sushi places in little Tokyo. We’d spend hours arguing about finer points of harvard liberal politics, books, philosophy, and why jazz after 1970 isn’t as good as jazz in the 1950’s.
When we got on separate trains, I was berating myself for not following him. He got off at my stop, but took a different escalator. Maybe I’ll run into him on the train again.
I haven’t met a guy quite this one in a very long time, and it was kind of like having an old fantasy come to life and start talking to you. Very strange. Red-haired guy is the kind of guy that I would never have been attracted to in college, and up until a few years ago wouldn’t have even bothered talking to. Maybe red-haired guy was right when he teases that I’m at heart "a snobby girl". There’s more truth to what he teases me about than he’ll ever know.
Haunt # 3 – I received an email this morning from a co-worker at my last job. I haven’t heard from her in six months. She was just emailing to say hello, and said nothing has changed at my old company. It makes me wonder if there’s more to the email than what she’s letting on, but she hasn’t emailed back. I hope she’s okay. Maybe she wants to come and work for my company.
Haunt # 1 - On the way to the movie rental place last night, I ran into my ex-husband. Talk about shocking! I hadn’t seen him in what, 14 or more years. We talk on the phone and we email, but I haven’t seen him in ages. I think the last time I saw him was at a gathering in Portland Oregon of mutual friends.
I was so freaked out, I think I was kind of rude to him and then when he wanted to me to meet his girlfriend, I was like "I don’t think so." It’s not like I’m jealous, it’s more like I don’t really want to know that much about his personal life. My ex-hub was his usual nasty self and he lashed out and said "she loves me more than you ever did", which was really quite uncalled for and very inappropriate. But you know, the guy was probably right. We were never a good fit, and we couldn’t love each other the way we each needed to be loved to make the marriage last. He’s been with his girlfriend longer than we were ever together, although they still aren’t married and don’t even live together.
Haunt # 2 – While waiting in the rain for the train to take me to work, this guy comes over and starts talking to me about how late the trains were. Talk about blast from the past. The guy looked exactly like the kind of guy I wanted to marry in college. He was your typical New York City jewish looking intellectual type with glasses, a little nerdy, tall with dark hair and brown eyes. He was the kind of guy I would fantasize that I would be married to, and living with in an apartment on Central Park West. We would go to old movies and argue about them like in a Woody Allen movie. We would take walks in Central Park, explore the Village on the weekends, go to the Met or the Guggenheim to see art, and hunt around furiously for cheap sushi places in little Tokyo. We’d spend hours arguing about finer points of harvard liberal politics, books, philosophy, and why jazz after 1970 isn’t as good as jazz in the 1950’s.
When we got on separate trains, I was berating myself for not following him. He got off at my stop, but took a different escalator. Maybe I’ll run into him on the train again.
I haven’t met a guy quite this one in a very long time, and it was kind of like having an old fantasy come to life and start talking to you. Very strange. Red-haired guy is the kind of guy that I would never have been attracted to in college, and up until a few years ago wouldn’t have even bothered talking to. Maybe red-haired guy was right when he teases that I’m at heart "a snobby girl". There’s more truth to what he teases me about than he’ll ever know.
Haunt # 3 – I received an email this morning from a co-worker at my last job. I haven’t heard from her in six months. She was just emailing to say hello, and said nothing has changed at my old company. It makes me wonder if there’s more to the email than what she’s letting on, but she hasn’t emailed back. I hope she’s okay. Maybe she wants to come and work for my company.
Monday, October 18, 2004
I'm in the trenches trying to fight off an impending flu. My boss had it, went on anti-biotics for 10 days which didn't help, and now she thinks she has pneumonia. This is bad.
Not to mention my anxiety level is at an all-time high, and I wake up every morning feeling anxious as all heck. Waves of anxiety hit me like a pulse wave hitting my protective shield. I get a little shiver in an appendage, and if it gets really bad like it is now, I get a horrible feeling in my stomach. Today I have an added symptom because I'm starting to grind my teeth at work. I can feel my jaw quivering like crazy, and I only get like this if I'm really stressed out.
The breakup with red-haired guy is not going well. He does not want to break up ever, and it's becoming a problem. And no, I don't think friendship is a good alternative for us and I've only ever said this to one other guy. I honestly didn't think I would ever have to go through this again either.
It's my karma to attract obsessive crazies!
Not to mention my anxiety level is at an all-time high, and I wake up every morning feeling anxious as all heck. Waves of anxiety hit me like a pulse wave hitting my protective shield. I get a little shiver in an appendage, and if it gets really bad like it is now, I get a horrible feeling in my stomach. Today I have an added symptom because I'm starting to grind my teeth at work. I can feel my jaw quivering like crazy, and I only get like this if I'm really stressed out.
The breakup with red-haired guy is not going well. He does not want to break up ever, and it's becoming a problem. And no, I don't think friendship is a good alternative for us and I've only ever said this to one other guy. I honestly didn't think I would ever have to go through this again either.
It's my karma to attract obsessive crazies!
Saturday, October 16, 2004
I haven't thought about my Elf Girl Chronicles story in a long time, but I got this bit this morning as I waiting for the bus to go to my acupuncture appointment. I've been trying to figure out how the war started between non-human realms and the humans, and this is the reason.
*************
The reason the Elfin war with the humans started ...
I had a brother, a younger brother. I was seven when he was born. He was the son my parents always wanted, prayed for. He would be heir to my father's throne. He would be king, and I would be high priestess and share the duty of running our kingdom, just as my father and his brother my uncle had done.
I helped me to raise him, and I loved him as if he were my own. When I left for school I was heartbroken to leave him, as I felt like I was leaving a part of myself behind.
Little did I know then what role he would play in the destruction of our world, our kingdom, our people, and our realm. It was his death that would start the war. My uncle had persuaded father to sacrifice my brother to appease triumverate of evil. in truth, my brother's death was to show the triumverate our loyalty to their cause, but I'm sure my father had known none of this. If he did, I'm sure he would not have agreed to sacrifice his only heir, his only son, his royal progeny.
No, my father thought he was doing the right thing, thought he would appease the triumverate and avert more killings, more bloodshed, avert the harm that he thought would come to our people.
Blood sacrifice was a human ritual, such barbarism did not exist in our realm or any other non-human realm until the humans came and tried to take over the kingdom.
But my father, and especially my uncle, had not calculated the ripple effect of their blood sacrifice. Instead of appeasement, the triumverate then demanded that the king of each realm sacrifice one of their children to them.
It was then we knew, that the systematic destruction of our people, our realm, our kingdom, our people would not stop.
The fragile alliance that my father had built between himself and other kings throughout the land dissolved. They other kings abandoned my father, and he and my uncle became prisoners. And age 15 I became the defacto ruler of my kingdom. I had no choice then, I had to to fight. I had to lead what was left of my father's army, I had to avenge my brother's death.
I left school then and took what little knowledge I had learned in the two years of school about my burgeoning powers and use them to fight, to fight for our family, our honour, our people and our kingdom.
And my poor brother, perhaps he was lucky to die before the war started. Perhaps he was lucky that he was not witness the destruction and degradation that would happen to our world. He did not live to see our people enslaved, he did not live to see our beloved mother and father tortured and hung high above the castle walls for everyone to see and to serve as a warning to all those who chose to disobey the triumverate.
He did not leave to see what I had to become, what I was forced to become, an avenging killing angel,who killed in his name, in his honour, until I was hunted down and finally captured, and tortured and then enslaved, and then changed never to become or be born again into an elfin incarnation, but to always be born an imperfect human.
************
I didn't know until today that my elf girl character had a younger brother, but of course as I was writing it it all made sense. There had to be legitimate reason why the war started, and why not a blood sacrific of a child, which echoes Abraham sacrificing Isaac to his god, and then god sending his only Jesus Christ as a sacrifice to die for our sins.
But in Abraham's time, the God of Israel halted Abraham from killing Isaace, and JC died to save us from sin and to give us eternal life. But my poor royal elf boy's death will cause the ultimate destruction of the kingdom and world that he was to inherit. And somehow there is something very fitting in echoing the sacrific of the male heir and child, but twisting the outcome a bit.
*************
The reason the Elfin war with the humans started ...
I had a brother, a younger brother. I was seven when he was born. He was the son my parents always wanted, prayed for. He would be heir to my father's throne. He would be king, and I would be high priestess and share the duty of running our kingdom, just as my father and his brother my uncle had done.
I helped me to raise him, and I loved him as if he were my own. When I left for school I was heartbroken to leave him, as I felt like I was leaving a part of myself behind.
Little did I know then what role he would play in the destruction of our world, our kingdom, our people, and our realm. It was his death that would start the war. My uncle had persuaded father to sacrifice my brother to appease triumverate of evil. in truth, my brother's death was to show the triumverate our loyalty to their cause, but I'm sure my father had known none of this. If he did, I'm sure he would not have agreed to sacrifice his only heir, his only son, his royal progeny.
No, my father thought he was doing the right thing, thought he would appease the triumverate and avert more killings, more bloodshed, avert the harm that he thought would come to our people.
Blood sacrifice was a human ritual, such barbarism did not exist in our realm or any other non-human realm until the humans came and tried to take over the kingdom.
But my father, and especially my uncle, had not calculated the ripple effect of their blood sacrifice. Instead of appeasement, the triumverate then demanded that the king of each realm sacrifice one of their children to them.
It was then we knew, that the systematic destruction of our people, our realm, our kingdom, our people would not stop.
The fragile alliance that my father had built between himself and other kings throughout the land dissolved. They other kings abandoned my father, and he and my uncle became prisoners. And age 15 I became the defacto ruler of my kingdom. I had no choice then, I had to to fight. I had to lead what was left of my father's army, I had to avenge my brother's death.
I left school then and took what little knowledge I had learned in the two years of school about my burgeoning powers and use them to fight, to fight for our family, our honour, our people and our kingdom.
And my poor brother, perhaps he was lucky to die before the war started. Perhaps he was lucky that he was not witness the destruction and degradation that would happen to our world. He did not live to see our people enslaved, he did not live to see our beloved mother and father tortured and hung high above the castle walls for everyone to see and to serve as a warning to all those who chose to disobey the triumverate.
He did not leave to see what I had to become, what I was forced to become, an avenging killing angel,who killed in his name, in his honour, until I was hunted down and finally captured, and tortured and then enslaved, and then changed never to become or be born again into an elfin incarnation, but to always be born an imperfect human.
************
I didn't know until today that my elf girl character had a younger brother, but of course as I was writing it it all made sense. There had to be legitimate reason why the war started, and why not a blood sacrific of a child, which echoes Abraham sacrificing Isaac to his god, and then god sending his only Jesus Christ as a sacrifice to die for our sins.
But in Abraham's time, the God of Israel halted Abraham from killing Isaace, and JC died to save us from sin and to give us eternal life. But my poor royal elf boy's death will cause the ultimate destruction of the kingdom and world that he was to inherit. And somehow there is something very fitting in echoing the sacrific of the male heir and child, but twisting the outcome a bit.
Thursday, October 14, 2004
So the presidential debates are over, and this is where the "real election" starts. This is where the rubber hits the road, and both parties must rally the base and the troops. And what the average voter who doesn't understand very much about the voting process in this country doesn't realize is the person who wins the election, as in any war, is the person with the most troops on the ground is the one who wins.
And if the 2000 election is any indication of the strength of the GOP vs. DNC, and how the Gore had no troops on the ground in Florida to tell him what was going on, then well, expect the person in the White House to remain the same.
The DNC is so fractured, with the party splitting off with the Greens and other alternative parties, that their ground troops base in all states are weak and ineffectual at best. All elections are local. Case in point. The Democratic party had to fight the Greens off during the last mayoral election in San Francisco, where one would think the Demos have a hell of foothold. So much for the strength of the democrats. You don't hear about the republicans having to fight off splitoffs from their party in local elections, do you?
And if the 2000 election is any indication of the strength of the GOP vs. DNC, and how the Gore had no troops on the ground in Florida to tell him what was going on, then well, expect the person in the White House to remain the same.
The DNC is so fractured, with the party splitting off with the Greens and other alternative parties, that their ground troops base in all states are weak and ineffectual at best. All elections are local. Case in point. The Democratic party had to fight the Greens off during the last mayoral election in San Francisco, where one would think the Demos have a hell of foothold. So much for the strength of the democrats. You don't hear about the republicans having to fight off splitoffs from their party in local elections, do you?
Monday, October 11, 2004
It was strange to read in the news this morning that baseball great Ken Caminiti died. I remember hearing him in an interview on the Jim Rome radio show "The Jungle" just a few months ago. The guy was too young to die at 41 years old, but he did have problems.
Christopher Reeve dying was not shocking but sad. It was difficult for me to look at him whenever he was on TV; he just looked so "immobile". Was it relief for him that he died and for his family? The man was barely functional, although he did many good things in his altered state.
All my astrology website are saying that there's a solar eclipse on the October 13, and it's about about karma. Mine has been unusually good until now. I like to believe that I've lived a charmed life so far, and that I haven't been exposed to very many bad people. But the problem with leading a charmed life is I'm so unaware how many completely jerky people there are in this world.
Most people I've met have been so honorable, so full of integrity, that when I run across world-class jerk it's so shocking to me. Plus I have no coping skills to deal with people who aren't honest and honorable. These kinds of people don't exist in my world. Or maybe they always did, but I've managed to avoid them like the plague. But every charmed girl's luck has to run out sometime doesn't it? And mine has definitely run out these last few months.
Friends have told it's just life, that there are all kinds of people in this world and I've just been lucky and fortunate in never having to deal with worst kinds of people. But this charmed girl hates the "real world" life, and wants to go back to the world where people are all nice, honorable and truthful.
Christopher Reeve dying was not shocking but sad. It was difficult for me to look at him whenever he was on TV; he just looked so "immobile". Was it relief for him that he died and for his family? The man was barely functional, although he did many good things in his altered state.
All my astrology website are saying that there's a solar eclipse on the October 13, and it's about about karma. Mine has been unusually good until now. I like to believe that I've lived a charmed life so far, and that I haven't been exposed to very many bad people. But the problem with leading a charmed life is I'm so unaware how many completely jerky people there are in this world.
Most people I've met have been so honorable, so full of integrity, that when I run across world-class jerk it's so shocking to me. Plus I have no coping skills to deal with people who aren't honest and honorable. These kinds of people don't exist in my world. Or maybe they always did, but I've managed to avoid them like the plague. But every charmed girl's luck has to run out sometime doesn't it? And mine has definitely run out these last few months.
Friends have told it's just life, that there are all kinds of people in this world and I've just been lucky and fortunate in never having to deal with worst kinds of people. But this charmed girl hates the "real world" life, and wants to go back to the world where people are all nice, honorable and truthful.
Because I'm in that kind of mood, and I don't give a rat's wazoo that it's like so wussy to post song lyrics, I'm posting the lyrics to one of my recent favorite songs.
"Blurry" by Puddle of Mudd - I love the excruciating anger in this song ... it so matches my mood right, and besides I just heard it on Live 105.
Everything's so blurry
and everyone's so fake
and everybody's empty
and everything is so messed up
pre-occupied without you
I cannot live at all
My whole world surrounds you
I stumble then I crawl
You could be my someone
you could be my scene
you know that i'll protect you
from all of the obscene
I wonder what you're doing
imagine where you are
there's oceans in between us
but that's not very far
Can you take it all away
can you take it all away
well ya shoved it in my face
this pain you gave to me
Can you take it all away
can you take it all away
well ya shoved it my face
Everyone is changing
there's noone left that's real
to make up your own ending
and let me know just how you feel
cause I am lost without you
I cannot live at all
my whole world surrounds you
I stumble then I crawl
You could be my someone
you could be my scene
you know that i will save you
from all of the unclean
I wonder what you're doing
I wonder where you are
There's oceans in between us
but that's not very far
[Chorus]
Nobody told me what you thought
nobody told me what to say
everyone showed you where to turn
told you when to runaway
nobody told you where to hide
nobody told you what to say
everyone showed you where to turn
showed you when to runaway
[Chorus]
This pain you gave to me
You take it all
You take it all away...
This pain you gave to me
You take it all away
This pain you gave to me
Take it all away
This pain you gave to me
"Blurry" by Puddle of Mudd - I love the excruciating anger in this song ... it so matches my mood right, and besides I just heard it on Live 105.
Everything's so blurry
and everyone's so fake
and everybody's empty
and everything is so messed up
pre-occupied without you
I cannot live at all
My whole world surrounds you
I stumble then I crawl
You could be my someone
you could be my scene
you know that i'll protect you
from all of the obscene
I wonder what you're doing
imagine where you are
there's oceans in between us
but that's not very far
Can you take it all away
can you take it all away
well ya shoved it in my face
this pain you gave to me
Can you take it all away
can you take it all away
well ya shoved it my face
Everyone is changing
there's noone left that's real
to make up your own ending
and let me know just how you feel
cause I am lost without you
I cannot live at all
my whole world surrounds you
I stumble then I crawl
You could be my someone
you could be my scene
you know that i will save you
from all of the unclean
I wonder what you're doing
I wonder where you are
There's oceans in between us
but that's not very far
[Chorus]
Nobody told me what you thought
nobody told me what to say
everyone showed you where to turn
told you when to runaway
nobody told you where to hide
nobody told you what to say
everyone showed you where to turn
showed you when to runaway
[Chorus]
This pain you gave to me
You take it all
You take it all away...
This pain you gave to me
You take it all away
This pain you gave to me
Take it all away
This pain you gave to me
What is it with me and guys? Every guy I've ever dated has like some kind of sixth sense or a break-up radar when it comes to me. They can tell when I'm about to break up with them, and they respond and pour on the lovey-dovey stuff, like just calling you to say hi and to tell you what a hottie you are. And I'm like, I hate you, I so hate you right now.
It's wimpy and cowardly as all heck, but sometimes the best way to deal with a problem is to run away, cut off the communication, and just not deal with it. And hopefully it will go away on its own accord without any more outpouring of emotion or drama or energy.
So I'm not going to deal with my feelings about red-haired guy. It's taking way too much time and energy on my part, and I have little of both to spare right now. I know I'm going to wake up one day soon and I won't feel bummed any more. At least that's what I'm hoping.
I wrote on Sunday, so maybe writing is once again my only salvation.
So I'm not going to deal with my feelings about red-haired guy. It's taking way too much time and energy on my part, and I have little of both to spare right now. I know I'm going to wake up one day soon and I won't feel bummed any more. At least that's what I'm hoping.
I wrote on Sunday, so maybe writing is once again my only salvation.
Saturday, October 09, 2004
I received my official City and County of San Francisco absentee ballot today, and I'm like should I vote now or wait to see where things are headed.
John Kerry and John Edwards are fourth on my ballot, and the Shrubmeister and "Richard (not Dick) Cheney" are last on the list. There are presidential candidates from the Libertarian, American Independent, Peace aand Freedom and Green Party also on the ballot. And I'm like who the heck are these people, because I've never even seen their names mentioned anywhere until I opened my ballot.
And because it's California, there's a host of state propositions and measures as well as SF city propoisitons and measures, and even a BART proposition. Plus, you get the vote for the school board, where I think voting is most crucial for anyone living in the City and County of San Francisco. If we're going to turn around this city, it starts at who gets on the School Board.
John Kerry and John Edwards are fourth on my ballot, and the Shrubmeister and "Richard (not Dick) Cheney" are last on the list. There are presidential candidates from the Libertarian, American Independent, Peace aand Freedom and Green Party also on the ballot. And I'm like who the heck are these people, because I've never even seen their names mentioned anywhere until I opened my ballot.
And because it's California, there's a host of state propositions and measures as well as SF city propoisitons and measures, and even a BART proposition. Plus, you get the vote for the school board, where I think voting is most crucial for anyone living in the City and County of San Francisco. If we're going to turn around this city, it starts at who gets on the School Board.
Thursday, October 07, 2004
I've been very blue this week. My good mood finally soured and I was missing my red-haired boy very much. He called to say Hi, but our conversation was very short and not very satisfying. He wants to be friends, don't they all? And I'm like whatever. Let's see what he thinks friendship means.
Work has been very busy this week, and looks like it's going to ramp up again and we're now preparing for our next Board meeting in January. Oh boy!
I need to get back to my writing and working out schedule. I'm dying to try to write on my new Palm at a coffeeshop, and then hit the gym. That schedule was so good for me and I got off it for the political conventions, and then it was so easy to not get into it. But it's time for my little vacation to end.
I'm trying to decide if I wanted to attempt the National Novel Writing Month next month. I'm going to try and write on my Palm. I don't really want to start another novel, and I'd like to use the time to finish the ones I already started. That is however cheating since the NANOWRIMO folks want their people to start from scratch. I could work on my dwarf novel. That novel is barely started and I could start from the beginning again. If I'm going to participate in NANOWRIMO, I'm going to have to decide soon.
Other than I've been tired, probably from depression more than anything else. They say time heals all things, and when I think back to all the times I've broken up with guys, I honestly can't remember much except for a few incidents. Either I blocked those experiences out, or they weren't that bad. Maybe all I need is time and then there's my trip to LA to look forward to.
Work has been very busy this week, and looks like it's going to ramp up again and we're now preparing for our next Board meeting in January. Oh boy!
I need to get back to my writing and working out schedule. I'm dying to try to write on my new Palm at a coffeeshop, and then hit the gym. That schedule was so good for me and I got off it for the political conventions, and then it was so easy to not get into it. But it's time for my little vacation to end.
I'm trying to decide if I wanted to attempt the National Novel Writing Month next month. I'm going to try and write on my Palm. I don't really want to start another novel, and I'd like to use the time to finish the ones I already started. That is however cheating since the NANOWRIMO folks want their people to start from scratch. I could work on my dwarf novel. That novel is barely started and I could start from the beginning again. If I'm going to participate in NANOWRIMO, I'm going to have to decide soon.
Other than I've been tired, probably from depression more than anything else. They say time heals all things, and when I think back to all the times I've broken up with guys, I honestly can't remember much except for a few incidents. Either I blocked those experiences out, or they weren't that bad. Maybe all I need is time and then there's my trip to LA to look forward to.
Tuesday, October 05, 2004
I've decided I can't be objective about John Edwards. He looks like my first love, and I am just in love with him. He is just so darn cute. I know my first love would have aged as well as Edwards seems to have. My first love was born in Virginia and he had that slight southern twang in his voice, and I'm just a sucker for a cute guy with a southern accent.
Plus, you know Dick Cheney is just scary. I heard a commentator says Cheney looks like the kind of guy who turns you down for loans, or the nasty corporate boss who hands you your pink slip.
Anyway, I'm not a swing voter. Like the debates really matter to someone like who's never voted republican for president in their entire voting life. And if Howard Dean was the nominee, I just wouldn't vote for president. I've skipped voting for people before because I didn't like the democratic candidate. Take Senator Diane Feinstein, I've never ever voted for her. I never once voted for former mayor of San Francisco Willie Brown either.
But I'll definitely vote for Kerry and Edwards.
Plus, you know Dick Cheney is just scary. I heard a commentator says Cheney looks like the kind of guy who turns you down for loans, or the nasty corporate boss who hands you your pink slip.
Anyway, I'm not a swing voter. Like the debates really matter to someone like who's never voted republican for president in their entire voting life. And if Howard Dean was the nominee, I just wouldn't vote for president. I've skipped voting for people before because I didn't like the democratic candidate. Take Senator Diane Feinstein, I've never ever voted for her. I never once voted for former mayor of San Francisco Willie Brown either.
But I'll definitely vote for Kerry and Edwards.
I watched the presidential debate, and migrated the info from my Palm V to my new Palm Tungsten E. I love the wireless keyboard; it so cool! I'm definitely going to have to take it to a coffeeshop and write with it. I love new tech toys.
I need to figure out if I want a purchase a dictionary for my Palm, and other fun software. I was even thinking of putting music on my Palm, but the few songs that I have on my computer take up 346 MB. I'd have to get a 512 mb expansion card. I'm still not sure about getting Ipod.
I love listening to the radio to hear new songs. Most of the people I know who have Ipods, listen to their Ipods in their car to the same songs over and over again. They never listen to the radio or new songs. I have to listen to new songs, and I'm kind of bummed that I don't drive as much as I used because I listened to the radio a lot in my car.
Now I want a laptop; I seriously want a laptop. Should I be seriously trendy and buy a Mac, the laptop I've fantasized about owning for a long time? It's supposedly really trendy to drive a Volkswagen and own a Mac laptop. I love my Golf because it's small and very fast, not because it's a trendy car. My Siegfried VW is such a great car!
Or should I buy a Dell 300M from the outlet because it only weighs 3.1 pounds. Does 1 or 2 pounds really make a difference? Stay tuned ...
I need to figure out if I want a purchase a dictionary for my Palm, and other fun software. I was even thinking of putting music on my Palm, but the few songs that I have on my computer take up 346 MB. I'd have to get a 512 mb expansion card. I'm still not sure about getting Ipod.
I love listening to the radio to hear new songs. Most of the people I know who have Ipods, listen to their Ipods in their car to the same songs over and over again. They never listen to the radio or new songs. I have to listen to new songs, and I'm kind of bummed that I don't drive as much as I used because I listened to the radio a lot in my car.
Now I want a laptop; I seriously want a laptop. Should I be seriously trendy and buy a Mac, the laptop I've fantasized about owning for a long time? It's supposedly really trendy to drive a Volkswagen and own a Mac laptop. I love my Golf because it's small and very fast, not because it's a trendy car. My Siegfried VW is such a great car!
Or should I buy a Dell 300M from the outlet because it only weighs 3.1 pounds. Does 1 or 2 pounds really make a difference? Stay tuned ...
Wouldn’t it be fun to write a novel where the female character accidentally runs into two different versions of herself because of some strange rip in time, like say brought about by the pentagram that formed in space over the weekend.
--An amazingly rare, deeply auspicious planetary pattern is being formed in the sky today (October 1) . It involves the Sun, The Moon, Pluto, Saturn and Uranus, dividing the sky into exactly equal sectors of 72 degrees. Because the Sun is also forming a quadruple conjunction with Mars, Mercury and Jupiter, their influence is drawn in too.
We do not know how important these angles of 72 degrees were to the ancients but we do know they were considered crucial by Johan Kepler who lived between 1571 and 1630. Kepler is often called the father of modern astronomy because he worked out that the orbits of the planets are not circular but egg-shaped. He was also a keen astrologer with a reputation for accurate predictions. Kepler insisted that such 'Quintiles' denoted great ease and opportunity.
John Addey, one of the 20th century's greatest astrologers, was also excited by these alignments. He said they represented the zodiac's 'fifth harmonic' and revealed hidden spiritual secrets about the cosmic order.
If he, or Kepler, were still alive today, they'd be gobsmacked to see not one, but five, such alignments, all happening at once, creating the pattern of a perfect pentagram. The powerful pattern has been building up all week. It's a time when magical things become possible. Weirdly and intriguingly, this historic alignment repeats on October 28, at the very moment of the next lunar eclipse! --
So the premise would be the pentagram forms a rip in the time continuum that lasts from October 1 through October 28, and the main character through a series of strange coincidences runs into two different versions of herself. The only thing that separates the three lives is a decision each made regarding the same man they were all seeing a year previously.
Self 1 – slept with the guy on the first date after meeting the guy
Self 2 – dumped the guy after the first date
Self 3 (the current self who discovers the other two) – dumped the guy at first, then reconnected a few months later.
The novel would be about Self 3 finding out the consequences of each decision of the other two selves, and of course each decision turned out very differently. I’m even thinking I could put a little domestic mayhem in one of the stories just for dramatic effect. Each story would have to radically different for the total story to have any juice, and probably some kind of moral conclusion although what that moral conclusion would be is unknown to me right now.
The story would have to take place in the 28 day time frame, and maybe each of the characters would trade lives because they’re all the same person. So the selves would each get to experience each other’s lives. That would mean creating some kind of device to get the characters into the three parallel worlds, and I’m thinking like maybe they’re all interested in astrology and on October 1, they were attending in their separate worlds an astrology meeting at a nearby observatory. At some point in the night, they got lost and ended up in a room together all the same time. The room in the observatory would then be the portal into the parallel worlds, but I think I’d have to put some conditions on the point of entry. Like in order for each to move into the other world, they all have to switch together. That would really be confusing.
A better alternative would be that since they call entered the room in the observatory at the same time, they all have to travel to each world together but only one could switch. This scenario might even be more confusing.
I don’t know. I just like the thought of being able to write about what a life would have been like, based on the consequence of one very small decision.
--An amazingly rare, deeply auspicious planetary pattern is being formed in the sky today (October 1) . It involves the Sun, The Moon, Pluto, Saturn and Uranus, dividing the sky into exactly equal sectors of 72 degrees. Because the Sun is also forming a quadruple conjunction with Mars, Mercury and Jupiter, their influence is drawn in too.
We do not know how important these angles of 72 degrees were to the ancients but we do know they were considered crucial by Johan Kepler who lived between 1571 and 1630. Kepler is often called the father of modern astronomy because he worked out that the orbits of the planets are not circular but egg-shaped. He was also a keen astrologer with a reputation for accurate predictions. Kepler insisted that such 'Quintiles' denoted great ease and opportunity.
John Addey, one of the 20th century's greatest astrologers, was also excited by these alignments. He said they represented the zodiac's 'fifth harmonic' and revealed hidden spiritual secrets about the cosmic order.
If he, or Kepler, were still alive today, they'd be gobsmacked to see not one, but five, such alignments, all happening at once, creating the pattern of a perfect pentagram. The powerful pattern has been building up all week. It's a time when magical things become possible. Weirdly and intriguingly, this historic alignment repeats on October 28, at the very moment of the next lunar eclipse! --
So the premise would be the pentagram forms a rip in the time continuum that lasts from October 1 through October 28, and the main character through a series of strange coincidences runs into two different versions of herself. The only thing that separates the three lives is a decision each made regarding the same man they were all seeing a year previously.
Self 1 – slept with the guy on the first date after meeting the guy
Self 2 – dumped the guy after the first date
Self 3 (the current self who discovers the other two) – dumped the guy at first, then reconnected a few months later.
The novel would be about Self 3 finding out the consequences of each decision of the other two selves, and of course each decision turned out very differently. I’m even thinking I could put a little domestic mayhem in one of the stories just for dramatic effect. Each story would have to radically different for the total story to have any juice, and probably some kind of moral conclusion although what that moral conclusion would be is unknown to me right now.
The story would have to take place in the 28 day time frame, and maybe each of the characters would trade lives because they’re all the same person. So the selves would each get to experience each other’s lives. That would mean creating some kind of device to get the characters into the three parallel worlds, and I’m thinking like maybe they’re all interested in astrology and on October 1, they were attending in their separate worlds an astrology meeting at a nearby observatory. At some point in the night, they got lost and ended up in a room together all the same time. The room in the observatory would then be the portal into the parallel worlds, but I think I’d have to put some conditions on the point of entry. Like in order for each to move into the other world, they all have to switch together. That would really be confusing.
A better alternative would be that since they call entered the room in the observatory at the same time, they all have to travel to each world together but only one could switch. This scenario might even be more confusing.
I don’t know. I just like the thought of being able to write about what a life would have been like, based on the consequence of one very small decision.
I hate this. How did I end up in a job where I have to write and edit website copy for my program? This was never part of my job description, and I now I do it constantly. Whatever writing that needs to be done, they give it to me. "Give it to Brenda, she'll do it." We'll just redline her to death. Aaaarrggghh!
Monday, October 04, 2004
Strange coincidence today.
I called my dental insurance to check up on the claim for my dental surgery, and the phone rep guy told me I was third person to call who had the birthday of January 24. Then he laughed and said his birthday was on January 25. How weird is that? I never hardly meet anyone who has a birthday around the same time as mine, and the phone rep guy told me the same thing, which is why he noted how many January 24 women were calling him.
After work I went to CompUSA to buy my new Palm Tungsten E. I bought a cover, some paper and a keyboard. I'm looking through my receipt at home, when I notice that the cashier never charged me for the $70 wireless Palm keyboard. I got a free keyboard. This is so strange because the guard at the exit out of CompUSA checked my receipt and bag, and let me through. Like he didn't notice it either.
So either they're giving away free $70 wireless Palm keyboards at CompUSA, or I just got a fun free gift from the universe. What does it all mean? I never knew breaking up with a guy I'm very still much in love with could be so much fun! The universe is like giving me free stuff, like maybe I did the right thing or I'm on the right path. Or maybe I'm just really really danged lucky today.
I'm tripping, I'm just totally tripping. I'm telling you, this feeling good about the world stuff is better than any drug I've ever taken because of the sheer length of the high. I'm just wondering about the crash. After every good high comes a pretty gnarly nasty crash. You know the old saying ... the higher you go the lower you fall. So I'm like waiting for the boom to fall any minute now, and wondering how bad it's going to be.
I called my dental insurance to check up on the claim for my dental surgery, and the phone rep guy told me I was third person to call who had the birthday of January 24. Then he laughed and said his birthday was on January 25. How weird is that? I never hardly meet anyone who has a birthday around the same time as mine, and the phone rep guy told me the same thing, which is why he noted how many January 24 women were calling him.
After work I went to CompUSA to buy my new Palm Tungsten E. I bought a cover, some paper and a keyboard. I'm looking through my receipt at home, when I notice that the cashier never charged me for the $70 wireless Palm keyboard. I got a free keyboard. This is so strange because the guard at the exit out of CompUSA checked my receipt and bag, and let me through. Like he didn't notice it either.
So either they're giving away free $70 wireless Palm keyboards at CompUSA, or I just got a fun free gift from the universe. What does it all mean? I never knew breaking up with a guy I'm very still much in love with could be so much fun! The universe is like giving me free stuff, like maybe I did the right thing or I'm on the right path. Or maybe I'm just really really danged lucky today.
I'm tripping, I'm just totally tripping. I'm telling you, this feeling good about the world stuff is better than any drug I've ever taken because of the sheer length of the high. I'm just wondering about the crash. After every good high comes a pretty gnarly nasty crash. You know the old saying ... the higher you go the lower you fall. So I'm like waiting for the boom to fall any minute now, and wondering how bad it's going to be.
Darn! I am in such a good mood. I really have to figure out how to bottle this stuff and sell it. It's like being high but without artificial stimulants. People would kill to feel as good as I'm feeling now, I think. I would kill to feel this good 24/7. Well maybe not 24/7, but at least whenever I wanted to feel good.
The feeling is like this ... you just want throw your head back and laugh and go "wwwhhheeeee" like you're a little kid, and you're rubbing your hands together. Ahhhh, the innocence of childhood. Or like you're on top of the world, but it's so disconcerting because you've done nothing new to warrant feeling this good.
The feeling is like this ... you just want throw your head back and laugh and go "wwwhhheeeee" like you're a little kid, and you're rubbing your hands together. Ahhhh, the innocence of childhood. Or like you're on top of the world, but it's so disconcerting because you've done nothing new to warrant feeling this good.
Considering that I broke up with the person I thought was the love of my life on Friday, I'm in a rockin' good mood today. The "isn't life great, whhheeee feeling" is continuing this week.
I spent all Sunday writing "Dear Soul" letters, a technique I learned in a writing class I took a long time ago. You write your soul, or some other person you consider your most trusted source, letters about things, events you're going through. Then you write yourself back as "your soul" or whomever you picked. It's an interesting way to get answers to questions you somehow can't answer yourself. I write "dear editor" letters to myself when I'm stuck on some piece of writing as well.
Well, my soul had a ton to say about Mr. Red-headed guy, most of which had to do with the future. Of course, I kept writing back and saying "what future?" but "my soul" was determined to have its way. I still don't know what to think about what "my soul" wrote back to me. I even scanned previous letters, and 80% of the time it's been correct.
But "my soul" knows I'm skeptical so it keeps saying "don't do anything, watch it all unfold" and I'm like I am so not doing anything because I don’t like the future you’re telling me I’m going to have. Then I got into this writing piece about two of unfinished novels, because they have to do with the nature of free will and choice and prophecy and destiny and how much one influences the other. I believe in both novels my characters have free will and choice, but certain events in their life are planned. What free will does is lessen or add the severity of the event. Then I got into the question of whether free will can geometrically exacerbate a good or bad event, kind of like a snowball effect on life. I never could answer my own question, and I will have to finish the novels to find out if the snowball effect is true.
And then after spending all day writing, I came to the conclusion that maybe I was asking all the wrong questions about my life, and that's why I wasn't getting good answers about what next step to take. Then I did a Q&A with myself about what certain events had to with my life, and what I wrote was mind boggling. It's so true that if you ask the write questions, you'll get the right answers to why you're life isn't working of why you're doing the things you do.
But it takes courage to ask the right questions, and I couldn't have asked these questions of myself two months ago before I met red-headed guy. I wasn't ready for the answers, and somehow red-headed guy helped me get ready somehow. But even if I am now supposedly ready to read the answers about my life, it doesn't mean I like the answers I'm getting. And even though I'm very happy about the way my life is going right now, I'm not happy about the future that supposedly "my soul" said is coming my way.
I'm like there's got to be another way, there's got be another way to go, this can't be the only future available to me. And I'm like, maybe I need to write a novel about escaping your future, your destiny. Kind of life "The Butterfly Effect", but again dealing more with choice going forward in the present. If every choice, no matter how small or large, begets a different world, then can't a different choice deliberately taken steer a person clear away from a chosen path, as long as the choice is made over and over again? I think there was a series of movies dealing with this subject called "Final Destination".
I spent all Sunday writing "Dear Soul" letters, a technique I learned in a writing class I took a long time ago. You write your soul, or some other person you consider your most trusted source, letters about things, events you're going through. Then you write yourself back as "your soul" or whomever you picked. It's an interesting way to get answers to questions you somehow can't answer yourself. I write "dear editor" letters to myself when I'm stuck on some piece of writing as well.
Well, my soul had a ton to say about Mr. Red-headed guy, most of which had to do with the future. Of course, I kept writing back and saying "what future?" but "my soul" was determined to have its way. I still don't know what to think about what "my soul" wrote back to me. I even scanned previous letters, and 80% of the time it's been correct.
But "my soul" knows I'm skeptical so it keeps saying "don't do anything, watch it all unfold" and I'm like I am so not doing anything because I don’t like the future you’re telling me I’m going to have. Then I got into this writing piece about two of unfinished novels, because they have to do with the nature of free will and choice and prophecy and destiny and how much one influences the other. I believe in both novels my characters have free will and choice, but certain events in their life are planned. What free will does is lessen or add the severity of the event. Then I got into the question of whether free will can geometrically exacerbate a good or bad event, kind of like a snowball effect on life. I never could answer my own question, and I will have to finish the novels to find out if the snowball effect is true.
And then after spending all day writing, I came to the conclusion that maybe I was asking all the wrong questions about my life, and that's why I wasn't getting good answers about what next step to take. Then I did a Q&A with myself about what certain events had to with my life, and what I wrote was mind boggling. It's so true that if you ask the write questions, you'll get the right answers to why you're life isn't working of why you're doing the things you do.
But it takes courage to ask the right questions, and I couldn't have asked these questions of myself two months ago before I met red-headed guy. I wasn't ready for the answers, and somehow red-headed guy helped me get ready somehow. But even if I am now supposedly ready to read the answers about my life, it doesn't mean I like the answers I'm getting. And even though I'm very happy about the way my life is going right now, I'm not happy about the future that supposedly "my soul" said is coming my way.
I'm like there's got to be another way, there's got be another way to go, this can't be the only future available to me. And I'm like, maybe I need to write a novel about escaping your future, your destiny. Kind of life "The Butterfly Effect", but again dealing more with choice going forward in the present. If every choice, no matter how small or large, begets a different world, then can't a different choice deliberately taken steer a person clear away from a chosen path, as long as the choice is made over and over again? I think there was a series of movies dealing with this subject called "Final Destination".
Sunday, October 03, 2004
So I kind of ended it with red-headed guy on Friday. I told him he needs to take care of some things in his life before we can be together. I didn't slam the door, I left it open, and the next move is his. So whether we continue forward or not is up to him. And I'm okay about it all.
I loved being in love with red-headed guy, and in fact I'm still into him. I couldn't have picked a more perfect guy to fall for. He was so cute, the right size, so perfect in so many ways, and I believe he sincerely loved me. But he's not really ready for a relationship, he wants to be, he's looking for a way, but he has a ton of work and growing up to do before we can be together.
Maybe the role I needed to play in his life was to move him onto his next step. And if that was all, then I'm happy because I helped him to grow. And he did help me to grow and realize many things about myself. Which is really what having a relationship is about isn't it? Helping you to move on to your next step in life, helping you to grow, and doing it with as much love as is humanly possible. And we both did that I think.
If red-headed guy comes back, then he really is my true love and true love is what I really want for my next relationship. And if he doesn't come back, then he was John the Baptist preparing the way for the true one who is to come. And I'm not going to settle for anything less than true love.
But life does go on for me, so I emailed some guy I had a dream about this morning about getting together. I'm hoping he emails me back. And then there's my weekend in LA in November, which I'm so looking forward to and hoping that red-headed guy doesn't come back before then so I can enjoy my weekend in LA.
I loved being in love with red-headed guy, and in fact I'm still into him. I couldn't have picked a more perfect guy to fall for. He was so cute, the right size, so perfect in so many ways, and I believe he sincerely loved me. But he's not really ready for a relationship, he wants to be, he's looking for a way, but he has a ton of work and growing up to do before we can be together.
Maybe the role I needed to play in his life was to move him onto his next step. And if that was all, then I'm happy because I helped him to grow. And he did help me to grow and realize many things about myself. Which is really what having a relationship is about isn't it? Helping you to move on to your next step in life, helping you to grow, and doing it with as much love as is humanly possible. And we both did that I think.
If red-headed guy comes back, then he really is my true love and true love is what I really want for my next relationship. And if he doesn't come back, then he was John the Baptist preparing the way for the true one who is to come. And I'm not going to settle for anything less than true love.
But life does go on for me, so I emailed some guy I had a dream about this morning about getting together. I'm hoping he emails me back. And then there's my weekend in LA in November, which I'm so looking forward to and hoping that red-headed guy doesn't come back before then so I can enjoy my weekend in LA.
Friday, October 01, 2004
It occurred to me this morning that I have been seriously neglecting all the things that I try to do improve my screenplay and novel writing.
I’ve been very good about keeping up with my reading although I can’t seem to read more than four books a month. Thank god I can read on my commutes to and from work. I also always carry a book with me now, so I can read whenever I’m on the train and not just on the way to work. I took one screenwriting seminar, and I’m in my Film History class this semester, so training wise for screenwriting I feel good that I’ve been keeping up. I’m also going to the screenwriting convention in LA in November, and I’m very much looking forward to that weekend.
But I’ve been bad about keeping up with my movie watching, reading books about writing, and taking novel writing classes.
I try to watch at least 100 movies a year, either at home or in the theatre, which means I have to watch two or more movies per week. I’ve been sadly neglecting my movie watching, and I can feel it. I did read three screenplays last months, but it’s not the same as watching a movie for what works and to study audience reaction. And there haven’t been any classes in writing that I’ve wanted to take or that I have time for right now. I need to go back to attending one-day seminars just to keep writing always at the forefront of my consciousness.
I’m starting to realize why there were people in my screenwriting classes who were amazed I could even finish a screenplay in six weeks. Writing is like having a job, and depending on how much work you want to put into it, it could be a full or part time job.
Not only is there writing to do every day, there’s books to read, movies to watch, and seminars to take. And the time involved all adds up. And then if you have a full time job, want to work out, want to go out, have friendships, and want to have a relationship, it’s all got to fit in somehow. And it’s hard and one area has to always suffer, and for me it’s always been my relationship life.
But my life has always been this crazy. When I was younger, I was married, working full time, and I was doing a public relations gig on the side. Things were crazy back then and the ex-hubby used to complain from time to time that I spent more time on my PR gig than on him. After I got divorced, I was still working full time, working on my part time PR gig and trying to run marathons. After my marathon phase, I decided I should try climbing the corporate ladder and worked 80 hours and week and lived at the gym the rest of the time. I dated now and then, but nothing seemed to last and I was too busy working and getting promoted every year to care.
Then I got into my growth and development phase, and was in seminars endlessly, and travelling around the country attending and/or working as a volunteer at the seminars, and still working a full time job and working out. After that phase petered out, the urge to be creative struck me and I tried my hand at acting and took acting classes and was in a couple of plays. And all during that time I was dating and still nothing really lasted because I was too busy either doing my growth and development work or acting to care.
After acting my writing phase started in 1999, and then came Steve who accused me of having too busy of a life to care about him. Then Charlie who said I was too self-absorbed to ever be in a relationship and then Chris, who said I put my screenwriting ahead of my personal life which was a bad thing. And then after awhile I didn’t care about dating because I got tired of men telling me I was too busy for them and I wanted to stop feeling guilty that maybe they were right about me. And in between life happened with five job changes, 9/11, friends and family dying, and everything else that happens in one’s life over the years.
But somehow writing did happen, and I started three novels, wrote one screenplay, a bunch of short stories, got something published in SFGATE.com about 9/11, and am writing a second screenplay. And I don’t know how things get done in my life, but they do get done.
I just wish I could solve my relationship issue once and for all. I know it will be hard work to have a full time relationship with the kind of life I’ve always lead, but I know in the long run that I’ll be much happier being in a couple. And it’s not like I’m all that lonely, but it would nice to have someone to share my life with sometimes.
I’ve been very good about keeping up with my reading although I can’t seem to read more than four books a month. Thank god I can read on my commutes to and from work. I also always carry a book with me now, so I can read whenever I’m on the train and not just on the way to work. I took one screenwriting seminar, and I’m in my Film History class this semester, so training wise for screenwriting I feel good that I’ve been keeping up. I’m also going to the screenwriting convention in LA in November, and I’m very much looking forward to that weekend.
But I’ve been bad about keeping up with my movie watching, reading books about writing, and taking novel writing classes.
I try to watch at least 100 movies a year, either at home or in the theatre, which means I have to watch two or more movies per week. I’ve been sadly neglecting my movie watching, and I can feel it. I did read three screenplays last months, but it’s not the same as watching a movie for what works and to study audience reaction. And there haven’t been any classes in writing that I’ve wanted to take or that I have time for right now. I need to go back to attending one-day seminars just to keep writing always at the forefront of my consciousness.
I’m starting to realize why there were people in my screenwriting classes who were amazed I could even finish a screenplay in six weeks. Writing is like having a job, and depending on how much work you want to put into it, it could be a full or part time job.
Not only is there writing to do every day, there’s books to read, movies to watch, and seminars to take. And the time involved all adds up. And then if you have a full time job, want to work out, want to go out, have friendships, and want to have a relationship, it’s all got to fit in somehow. And it’s hard and one area has to always suffer, and for me it’s always been my relationship life.
But my life has always been this crazy. When I was younger, I was married, working full time, and I was doing a public relations gig on the side. Things were crazy back then and the ex-hubby used to complain from time to time that I spent more time on my PR gig than on him. After I got divorced, I was still working full time, working on my part time PR gig and trying to run marathons. After my marathon phase, I decided I should try climbing the corporate ladder and worked 80 hours and week and lived at the gym the rest of the time. I dated now and then, but nothing seemed to last and I was too busy working and getting promoted every year to care.
Then I got into my growth and development phase, and was in seminars endlessly, and travelling around the country attending and/or working as a volunteer at the seminars, and still working a full time job and working out. After that phase petered out, the urge to be creative struck me and I tried my hand at acting and took acting classes and was in a couple of plays. And all during that time I was dating and still nothing really lasted because I was too busy either doing my growth and development work or acting to care.
After acting my writing phase started in 1999, and then came Steve who accused me of having too busy of a life to care about him. Then Charlie who said I was too self-absorbed to ever be in a relationship and then Chris, who said I put my screenwriting ahead of my personal life which was a bad thing. And then after awhile I didn’t care about dating because I got tired of men telling me I was too busy for them and I wanted to stop feeling guilty that maybe they were right about me. And in between life happened with five job changes, 9/11, friends and family dying, and everything else that happens in one’s life over the years.
But somehow writing did happen, and I started three novels, wrote one screenplay, a bunch of short stories, got something published in SFGATE.com about 9/11, and am writing a second screenplay. And I don’t know how things get done in my life, but they do get done.
I just wish I could solve my relationship issue once and for all. I know it will be hard work to have a full time relationship with the kind of life I’ve always lead, but I know in the long run that I’ll be much happier being in a couple. And it’s not like I’m all that lonely, but it would nice to have someone to share my life with sometimes.
I did not watch the presidential debate last night because of my film history class, but I watched some of the spinmeisters last night. I love the spin because it always makes me wonder if these people all watched the same thing.
I'm sure the debate will replay over the weekend, and I'll watch it then, but from what I've been able to gather Kerry did well but did not hit a homerun out of the ballpark. Over the weekend, the predictions were that Bush pretty much had the election locked up electorally. I don't think the debate will change the numbers on the electoral college picture at this point.
One of my favorite political commentators said on Saturday that Kerry was running the "lamest" campaign he'd ever seen. Another said that Kerry was gaining steam these last weeks, but it was a day late and dollar short.
The spinmeister that made me laugh out loud last night, Joe Trippi, when he said that this debate will change the course of the election. Wasn't this the guy who ran Howard Dean's campaign and said that would win the democratic nomination? Who is this guy and why does anyone care what he says because he's obviously not very smart about politics.
I'm sure the debate will replay over the weekend, and I'll watch it then, but from what I've been able to gather Kerry did well but did not hit a homerun out of the ballpark. Over the weekend, the predictions were that Bush pretty much had the election locked up electorally. I don't think the debate will change the numbers on the electoral college picture at this point.
One of my favorite political commentators said on Saturday that Kerry was running the "lamest" campaign he'd ever seen. Another said that Kerry was gaining steam these last weeks, but it was a day late and dollar short.
The spinmeister that made me laugh out loud last night, Joe Trippi, when he said that this debate will change the course of the election. Wasn't this the guy who ran Howard Dean's campaign and said that would win the democratic nomination? Who is this guy and why does anyone care what he says because he's obviously not very smart about politics.
I was on the train this morning sitting and reading, when a guy got on and stood in front of me and almost shoved his book in my face. When I looked up, I saw a guy who could have been my red-headed boy’s younger cuter brother staring back at me and smiling. And l’m like "OH MY GOD!" I jokingly said to red-headed guy that if things don’t work out with us, I’d love to run into his twin. And like I so did this morning, and he was just as cute, if not cuter than red-headed guy. And I’m like so tripping right now, and I was like totally freaking out as I left the train. Red-headed guy’s twin didn’t get off at my stop, and I had to stop myself from asking for his phone number. I was freaking walking to work, telling myself I couldn’t believe it, and I still can’t get the freaky feeling out of my head.
Am I bad when I say I hope I run into red-headed guy’s twin again on the train?
Am I bad when I say I hope I run into red-headed guy’s twin again on the train?
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