My life these last few days have a tangle of emotions. I took Friday October 22 off because I kind of just felt like staying home and dealing with the news of my uncle’s death. I had scheduled to take two days off for his wedding in November, so I told my boss I was going to take the time off now. She was very nice, and said take as much time as I needed.

I had a major, major anxiety attack on Friday morning, so major that my hand was shaking like I had Parkinson’s or something, and I was afraid to leave the house. I talked to a friend of mine, and she wanted me to call my primary care physician and get a prescription for an anti-depressant. In between all of this, my family kept calling telling me of their plans to fly into San Francisco and could I pick them up. Then my aunt and uncle who were already visiting from Florida were asking me if I was going to hang out with them that day.

I also spoke that morning to my dearly departed uncle’s wife and I asked her if she had called my uncle’s estranged children to let them know he was dead. She was understandably scattered, and told me "I’m sure somebody is calling them." I was concerned about my cousin, my uncle’s daughter who lives out in Texas, so I emailed her.

Next thing I know, my cousin calls me back and just starts wailing on the phone for five minutes. Poor thing. Nobody told her. I felt so bad for so I suggested that she could stay at my house, then I felt guilty because I knew if she took me up on the offer I was going to have to figure out how to get my aunt and cousin from the airport on Saturday night. My cousin said she’d let me know later that night if she was coming and all the details.

Then I got more freaked out and called my brother because I figured nobody told him either. My brother was his usual calm self, and did his best to ease my fears. He’s a good brother for that kind of thing. Then afterwards I called red-haired guy and told him we should be friends because life is short, and it hurt too much to not be friends at him. I was like "this close" to being okay with never having contact with him again for the rest of my life, and now I was like in tears on the phone telling the guy we needed to be friends.

And this was just my Friday day. More later.