Some "The Matrix Reloaded" tidbits. I was going through a pile of old newspapers when I ran across a SF Chron interview with Keanu Reeves for the movie. Here's what Keanu said about his reading list for both movies.

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When he prepared for the original "Matrix", the Wachowski brothers asked Reeves to read Jean Baudrillard's "Simulacra and Simulation" and Kevin Kelly's "Out of Control" so he'd gain an understanding of issues surround artificial intelligence. For the sequels, Reeve says, "the brothers told me if I wanted to look at what they were doing, I should read some Schopenhauer, some Hume and their old pal Nietzsche. I got a little bit into Schopenhauer, but you have to keep going backward -- you start at "Will and Representation", then you have to read "The Four Fold Path", and then, Schopenhauer hates Hegel, and he's opposed to Kant, so you start reading Kant, and then you go, OK -- I've go to do some stretching and some kicking".
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I'm starting back on counting my calories again to lose those last 10 stubborn pounds. Wow, I have been way more than I thought. I haven't been gaining any weight though, and I guess that's a good thing.

I decided to start off easy and try to eat only 1400 calories this week. I thought I could start with 1300 calories, but after 1200 calories I was still hungry. YIKES!!!

It's the snacks that are killing me. A cookie here, a piece of candy there, and pretty soon I've eaten the equivalent of two meals. I've been lax about religiously counting my calories since I went on the cruise, so that's two months of an eating free for all.

I would gain a 2-5 pounds, but then if I just cut back a little on my food intake my weight would come down to where it was before I stopped being vigilant. If this is maintenance eating, it's not that bad.

But now for these last 10 pounds. If I can do it on my own, I think I may join weight watchers. I've resisted it so far, and managed to lose weight without joining but I would so dearly love to get rid of these last incredibly donkey stubborn 10 pounds.

I know my body is fighting me. It likes this weight because I weighed this weight for a really long time. Maybe it's my set weight, so who knows. I know I used to weigh less so I know it can be done. I still have a few things in my closet that don't fit, and they bug me.

Maybe I need to give up juice. I don't even drink 100% juice anymore anyway. I always dilute my juice with mineral water. It tastes better and it's kind of like drinking soda, plus I drink a quarter of the juice I would normally drink. Maybe it's back to mineral water with a lemon twist.

Definitely no more trips to junk food palaces like Burger King and Taco Bell. I know I need to start exercising again regularly as well. I really slacked off on that big time in the last two months.

I took a four mile walk this evening, and I worked out on Saturdday and Sunday. If I exercise every day even if it's just walking 4-5 miles a day, I know this will help me in the battle of the last 10 immovable pounds that are fighting for dear life to hold on to my body.

This is the funniest article, U.S. Troops Seek Women's, Baby Products.

Especially the part about what the soldiers do with women's pantyliners. It's funny and at the same time, it's kind of gross.

I saw "The Three Sisters", a play by Anton Chekhov on Thursday at ACT. I so forgot how depressing Chekhov can be. I left the theatre in a daze.

On Saturday and Sunday, I was a good girl and worked out both days and then ran errands. I bought a new toilet seat cover, a new rug for the bathroom and new robe, which I found in the men's section on sales for $22. I also had to pick up gas at Costco, $1.65 a gallon, and then do some grocery shopping. When I grocery shop I always go to two or three different stores, so I grocery shopped on Saturday and Sunday.

I put my laundry in the car, thinking I would either do it Saturday or Sunday. I ended up going to a laundrymat on Saturday night, and listened to a couple of left wing freaks discuss the Iraq war. The two left wing freaks were talking about how igorant everyone else is, but these freaks were just as ignorant. One of the freaks was a woman who told the other freak, a guy, to check out the ANSWER website.

I wanted to interrupt and tell her that the only reason ANSWER sponsored the anti-war rallies is because they support Saddam Hussein, and want to overthrow the USA. ANSWER didn't sponsor the anti-war rallies because they were peace loving activists. DUH!!! They sponsored the antiwar rallies because they love Saddam Hussein, and all the other mass murdering dictators of the world.

The freak woman's car had stickers saying she worked for Department of Social Services for the city and county of San Francisco. She's a government worker, need I say more?

I could tell freak woman wanted to talk to me, but I avoided making eye contact. Honestly, I have no interest in engaging in conversation with ignorant people just to have a conversation. Call me snobby, call me antisocial, but what is the point of speaking to people who you know you'll get into an argument with. Life is stressful enough for me, without getting into an political argument with someone I don't know, and probably wouldn't want as a friend anyway.

The whole late on a Saturday night laundry scene freaked me out anyway. I wonder if I'll end up like the two left wing freaks talking politics. I kind of got the feeling that these people don't talk to very many people anyway, and they were desperate to engage someone, anyone in conversation. That is so depressing. I think I'd rather not talk to anyone than to engage in mindless idiot conversations.

The two left wing freaks both reminded me of that older woman in Jane Austen's story "Emma", you know the older single one who just babbles incessantly. From what I could gather both left wing freaks were over 48 and single. It's like I was staring at my future, and I didn't like what I see.

I definitely need to get married again, or I'll end up like the two left freaks in a laundrymat late on a Saturday night. Heck, I'm not even their age and already I'm doing my laundry late on a Saturday night.

MEMO TO SELF: Do not do your laundry on Saturday night ever again! It's way to depressing!

Wow! I just saw "The Matrix Reloaded". I totally loved it, and although I dearly loved the first one, this one was just as good if not better. So many unanswered questions, so many things and situations that make you think.

I saw my chiropractor before I saw the movie, and he told me there was no plot. He was so wrong! There is an amazing plot, and I'm definitely going to have to see it a bunch of times to take it all in.

I went with a friend who I used to work with at a job where we both did a little programming, and she thinks we love the Matrix series because of well 1) Keanu Reeves and 2) we both did enough programming where we kind of get all the references.

Like a back door. I'm a firm believer that there is a back door into any program, heck, a back door into and out of any situation. It's just a matter of wanting to find it badly enough. I loved the key maker too. Once you have the keys to any situation, it opens all the doors.

The whole theory of anomalies is fascinating, and that it's true when the old guy says even the best designed program have inherent flaws. The whole thing in the movie about choice is a like a computer decision tree and the possibilities there are so endless because choose one way and a whole sub routine starts. This makes me wonder if like decision trees, all decisions lead eventually to sometimes the same outcome, but just in a different way.

I love the whole thing about programs that can't be killed, and that each program has a function, but once that function ends, the program goes away. I like the whole theory of a program routinely looping and doing the same thing over and over again. The only way to get out of the loop is to choose something that the programmer hasn't thought of, and end the subroutine.

And what was that with the silver bullit killing old programs? Is that another programming reference? I'm sure the silver bullit thing was introduced for a reason.

I definitely have to go and see "The Matrix Reloaded" a bunch more times.

I just signed up for a writing class. I'm hoping it will get me in gear to write again. Now that my job and home life are somewhat settled, or as settled as they can be in these economically troubled times of ours, I want to start writing again.

I was going to start writing on Tuesday, but decided I needed to read a book for inspiration. I had a few books that I borrowed from a friend years ago, but never read and I'd like to return them to her, so I picked a book from that pile.

I'm reading "Liar's Poker: Rising through the Wreckage on Wall Street" by Michael Lewis. It's a story about a bond trader from Salomon Brothers in the 80's. The book is written in the first person, which is the point of view for my first novel, so I'm trying to see how this author does this. Okay, I know I'm procrastinating from writing but reading is research for me.

In the last two years people have been bemoaning all the excesses of the dot com culture and all the money that was spent and lost, but in the 80's the same kind of thing happened in New York with bond trading. And like the dot com bust, the roof fell in on bond trading as well. Perhaps not quite so fast, but lots of money was lost and spent in 80's as well on a small number of very young bond traders right of business schools.

The parallels are amazing actually, but this is a good thing I think because it means that in another 10 years, some other new thing, some new industry will emerge in business and generate a ton of revenue. To make money from this new, new thing, you just have to spot the emerging business. Like who knew 10-12 years ago that the internet for at least a couple of years would be such a great investment.

If you could spot the new emerging business and get in first, when the new, new business explodes you could sell your investment and make your millions that way. Maybe it's nanotechnology or probably defense related industries. Don't you know that this war on terrorism is just going to keep on going which is bad for the public, but great for industries in the defense sector.

I would also look at commodities trading, specifically food. With all the weather changes in the world, I would think there would be huge fluctuations in food prices. And if the mad cow scare in Canada pans out and spreads to the US, I would expect to see huge fluctuations in beef and cattle prices as well.

Not quite sure how if you can make money with SARS other than by investing in biotech companies, which will probably be looking for a vaccine if SARS develops any further. Someone has to benefit economically from the world's disasters.

I watched "Maid in Manhattan" last night. Parts of that movie made me cringe it was so predictable, but of course at the end I was sucked in.

Jennifer Lopez is so cute, and there were all those shots of that butt of hers, plus shots of Ralph Fiennes lusting over her butt, and jokes about her "assets". She does have quite a backside, I guess. That gown JayLo wore to the Met was like so "Brooklyn". What's up with that? Natasha Richardson was funny as the ditzy society girl, and to round out the english cast there was Bob Hoskins as the butler.

The ending was really cute, but the story line was so very weak. I think the saddest part of the movie is when JayLo's mother tells her that she'll never be anything more than a cleaning person, and JayLo agrees with her. That was really sad. There's alot of mothers out there who give their daughters advice like that to this day.

The one interesting thing in the movie I thought was when Bob Hoskins tells JayLo that when she's in management she can do anything. That's such misperception about management that people have who aren't in management. It's so not true. When you're in management, you're even more constrained I think.

You always have to be the corporate cheerleader no matter what's going on with the company. You can't really be social with people who work for you or who are below you. You have to act professional at all times, and you can't really confide in anyone either if you're having problems. Then there's the whole social constraint of not being able to look like you're out of control at any time, or showing up with acceptable looking escorts or at some conservative companies, dating and marrying well.

I think this all stems from management having to even reflect the company more than the worker, and the pressure of reflecting well.

But if you're non-management, you don't see any of this and fantasize about how much freedom you'll have as a manager, which is such a lie.

This is from Starf@#*&s, the coffee place everyone in San Francisco totally hates, but it's an interesting concept, Artist's Choice cds.

Your favorite artists picked 16 songs, artists that influenced them early on and songs they can't stop listening to, personal choices, and it's on one CD.

Artists include YoYo Ma, Sheryl Crow, The Rolling Stones, Ray Charles and Lucinda Williams for now. I think there are more artist compilations on the way.

I was trying to think of 16 songs myself, but I think it would depend on my mood as to which 16 songs I would choose.

Here's a list I put together very quickly, but like I said the list will change depending on my mood.

1. The Cure - Boys Don't Cry
2. Stevie Wonder - You and I
3. Prince - Head
4. The Rolling Stones - Jumping Jack Flash
5. John Coltrane - My Favorite Things
6. Jesus Christ Superstar - I don't know how to love him
7. Foo Fighters - Times Like These
8. Rachmaninoff Piano Concerto # 2
9. Alice in the Chains - Man in the Box
10. Depeche Mode - The Love Thieves
11. Al Green - Let's Stay Together
12. Madonna - Crazy for You
13. Velvet Underground - Candy Says
14. Miles Davis - Blue In Green
15. The Beach Boys - Wouldn't it be Nice
16. The Grateful Dead - Fire on the Mountain

Wow, this was hard. I wanted to make sure I had some classical, some jazz, some current stuff, and some all time favourites, you know representative of my all over musical taste. I wanted to put in The Beatles, but aren't they on everyone list somewhere? And no country too, which is too bad because I love country music especially the really old stuff. I'm still trying to find this song which had the lyric, "whiskey, whiskey I love you". Now that's old time country music.

No music from my youth either when I heard really old stuff like Petula Clark and ABBA, and my mom's favorites Englebert Humperdink, Don Ho, Jack Jones and Tom Jones. But she also really liked Al Green and The Doors, especially Jim Morrison, The Police, and yes she totally adored Barry Manilow too. Maybe Al Green is the song from childhood.

It would be interesting to do this list every day for a month to see which 16 songs you have over and over again, and then make the list from the top 16 song that keep coming up over and over again.

Oh well, it's meant to be representative not a definitive list. How can you make a definitive list out of just 16 songs?

"The moment has arrived to divide this tract of land between us and the Palestinians."
- ARIEL SHARON, Israeli Prime Minister.

The problem I fear with creating a separate Palestinian state is where will the Palestinians go for work. Right now, they all head into Israel. Once you separate the two, will there be any companies willing to invest in industries, business or open branch offices in Palestine? I highly doubt a multinational company would be willing to put its workers at risk, when it's clear that the Palestinian government cannot control Hamas or any of their other radical islamist groups in their country.

What I think will happen is Israel will create a wall, echoes of communist Berlin and the Warsaw ghetto cannot help but flit through my mind, around themselves to separate themselves from the Palestinians. Some strategists have called the separation of Israel and Palestine, the makings for an apartheid state in Israel. Separate but equal has never worked in the past, unless both sides have equal economic resources.

Will a separate Palestinian state stop the terrorism against the Israelis? For awhile, I believe the answer is yes, but unless there is a long term plan to make the state of Palestine economically viable then the terrorism will start again.

The next question is, in what state will the Holy Sites be located? My uncle used to always tell me that the war in the middle east was always about who controlled the Holy Sites. The Holy Sites generate a ton of revenue for whoever has them.

I fell asleep listening to the radio, and was awakened at 2 am by birdies screeching outside my window. It's so strange to have birdies noises at that hour. Maybe they've always been outside my window at my new place talking up a storm, but this is the first night I heard them.

Noisy birdies. Usually they start to chatter right before the sun comes up, but at 2 am in the morning, what gives? When I woke up at 6:15 am, I didn't hear any birdie conversations. There must have been something happening in the birdie world early this morning.

I do feel intuitively that something is about to happen, but not to me specifically. It feels more like to the earth, although who knows what that might me. They say animals can always predict earth changes. I hope it's nothing too serious, and the birdies just had some kind of incident happening in their world in the wee hours of the morning that they just had to chatter very loudly about.

I'm listening to the soundtrack from the movie "The Pianist". The music is so beautiful!

I went for a walk in Golden Gate Park since it was such a warm day. It's nice to live only three blocks away from such a beautiful place. The Rose Garden was in full bloom and I tried to smell all the roses. Not all roses have a smell, but when you find one it's so heavenly. One rose smelled very peppery.

My legs hurt now. My pedometer says I walked about 5 miles or a little over 11,000 steps. Now I'm hungry for some salad. I love when it's hot because I tend to eat healthier and crave only fruits, veggies and salads.

A friend sent me the following via email ... it's very amusing.

A little Zen for you

Accept misfortune as a blessing. Do not wish for perfect health or a life without problems. What would you talk about?

Let go of pride, ego, and opinions. Admit your errors and forgive those of others. Relinquishment will lead to calm and healing in your relationships. If that doesn't work, try small-claims court.

The Torah says, "Love thy neighbour as thyself." The Buddha says there is no "self." So maybe you're off the hook.

There is no escaping karma. In a previous life, you never called, you never wrote, you never visited. And whose fault was that?

Though only your skin, sinews, and bones remain, though your blood and flesh dry up and wither away, yet shall you meditate and not stir until you have attained full Enlightenment. But first, a little nosh.

Be here now. Be someplace else later. Is that so complicated?

If there is no self, whose arthritis is this?

Wherever you go, there you are. Your luggage is another story.

-- A wise person once said "what good is a smart bomb if you have a dumb president?" -

Perfect love is rare indeed - for to be a lover will require that you continually have the subtlety of the very wise, the flexibility of the child, the sensitivity of the artist, the understanding of the philosopher, the acceptance of the saint, the tolerance of the scholar and the fortitude of the certain.
-Leo Buscaglia, author, speaker and professor (1924-1998)

Performance List for Opera in the Gardens, May 25, 2003, Operatic Selections from the upcoming productions by current artists of San Francisco Opera with the SF Opera Orchestra, Kay Stern concertmaster, Ian Robertson Conductor

Il Barbiere di Siviglia (The Barber of Seville) by Rossini
Overture - Orchestra
Il vecchiotta cerca moglie - Catherine Cook (mezzo-soprano)

Die Zauberflote (The Magic Flute) by Mozart
Dies' Bildnis ist bezaubernd schon - Harold Gray Meers (tenor)
Papagena! Papageno! - Saundra DeAthos (soprano) and Brad Alexander (baritone)

La Damnation de Faust (The Damnation of Faust) by Berlioz
D'amour l'ardente flamme - Katherine Rohrer (mezzo-soprano)

Il Barbiere di Siviglia (The Barber of Seville) by Rossini
Ah, quell colpa inaspettato... Zitti, zitti - Greta Feeney (soprano), Harold Gray Meers, and Brad Alexander

Il Trovatore by Verdi
Tacea la notte placida ...Di tale amor - Angela Brown (an emerging famous Verdi soprano who won the 2001 Altamure/Enrio Caruso International Voice competition)

La Cenerentola (Cinderella) by Rossini
Nacqui all'affano...Non piu mesta by Mariatheresa Magisano (canandian opera singer and mezzo-soprano)

La Cenerentola (Cinderella) by Rossini
Miei rampolli femminini - Bojan Knezevic (baritone)
Come un ape ne'giornie d'aprile - Brad Alexander with Saundra DeAthos, Catherine Cook, Harold Gray Meers and Bojan Knezevic

La Boheme by Puccini
Quando me'n vo' by Greta Feeney

Pagliacci by Leoncavallo
Stridono lassu ("Ballatella") by Elizabeth Caballero (soprano)
Nedda! Silvio...A quest'ora? by Karen Slack (soprano) and Brad Alexander

Il Trovatore by Verdi
Mira, d'acerbe lagrime...Vivra! Contende il giubilo - Angela Brown and Haijing Fu (baritone)

Die Fledermaus by Strauss
Champagne Couplets - by all the singers

The free Opera in the Gardens concert was really great yesterday. Now my only dilemma is which opera to see.

1. Rossini's "La Cenerentola" - operatic Cinderella
2. Verdi's "Il Trovatore"
3. Berlioz's "La Damnation de Faust".

I think I shall have to see Faust, if I had to just pick one to see. It's a great story, and I don't think the company has done it before. They always do Cinderella, so I can always see that another year. Il Trovatore is an opera classic, but they'll probably do it again in a few years. I'm still bummed I missed the operatic St. Francis of Assisi, because they won't be doing that opera for awhile. Everyone who saw it said it was terrific.

Definitely have to see Faust.

There's a free blues concert in Golden Gate Park today. The fog finally burned off, even in my neighbourhood and it's sunny. I was going to go to see "The Matrix Reloaded", but it's too nice of a day to be inside for a movie.

Here's the lineup for the blues concert, Bobbie "Spider" Webb and The Smooth Blues Band, J.C. Smith, Fillmore Slim (AKA Clarence Slim), Bird Legg and The Tight Fit Blues Band, Rene Solis & the Persuaders, Shane Dewight, Emit Powell & The Gospel Elites. I've never heard of any of these performers, but it's a free concert and it's fun to sit in the sun and listen to music.

The cute guy from church was there today at coffee hour, looking snazzy in a nice suit and tie. He is so cute, and I'm like so afraid to talk to him. I was really getting down on myself, but you know, if he was the one and we were meant to be together fate will find a way to put us together because it's obvious to me that I'm not going to be the one to do it.

He's just too cute and he looks so similar to "the one who got away", that every time I'm see I'm tongue tied. I had the same reaction with "the one who got away". He was so cute, he made me nervous. I would spend longer than normal figuring out what to wear and fixing my myself up whenever we had a date. The thought of seeing "the one who got away" was so nerve racking but very exciting.

The cute guy at church does have very good taste in clothes, which is a relief. Men who can't dress themselves is such a turn off. You'd think a guy would figure out over the years what to wear to make himself look attractive to women. If a guy is clueless about clothes, you gotta wonder what else is the guy clueless about.

I decided I'm not going to stress myself about meeting the cute guy at church. Love is suppsoed to easy and stress free, and all my relationships that were good while the lasted started out this way. If there's too much struggle to meet someone, it makes me wonder whether it's meant to be.

I mean for all I know, the cute guy at church doesn't even know I exist. I mean I didn't even know he existed for the longest time. I mean I saw him in the pews, but he never really caught my eye. It wasn't until the last three weeks that I even noticed him. I don't know why or how I even noticed him, but when I did, it was like a thunderbolt hit me and I said to myself "wow, that guy is so cute". It was a very mystifying too, since I know I've looked at him a bunch of times before. Why all of a sudden it hits that's he cute is still a big mystery to me.

I think I need to explore what I was going through the day I thought the church guy was cute. Something must have happened to me to trigger that reaction. He does have these huge pretty brown eyes, and then there's that strawberry blondie hair that for whatever reason I really, really like.

What really freaked out today was how much he reminds me of "the one who got away". I'm not sure that's a good thing either.

I went to free opera concert at Yerba Buena Gardens, which was the site of my first date with "the one who got away". We met online through one of those dating sites and were emailing each other, when "the one" decides we should just meet for five minutes to see if the physical thing clicked.

That's the downside of meeting someone online. You can have great email/instant message conversations, and even have great phone conversations but until you meet face to face you never really know if it's going to work. I've met so many great guys who sounded great in email chats and on the phone, and then when I finally physically met them there was absolutely no chemistry. Talk about a disappointing experience. Physical chemistry used to be something I never thought about until I started meeting guys online.

So "the one who got away" and I made plans to meet, and what was supposed to be a 5 minute meeting in front of SFMOMA, turned into three hour conversation at Yerba Buena Gardens. I felt bad because I didn't find out till afterwards that I made "the who got away" late for his golf outing with his buddies, which was his fault because he never mentioned it to me. And what was worse, "the one who got away" got sunburnt from sitting in the sun with me for that long, which was still not my fault because if he was getting sunburnt he should have said something.

I really need to release myself from "the who got away". I just deleted his yahoo messenger ID, and I think I need to write out why I'm glad we're not together. Although I've romantically dubbed "Ellis" as "the one who got away", I'm using his real name because I'm getting tired of typing out "the one who got away", I am glad it didn't work out between us.

We just weren't meant to be, and I know that. He would have been a very easy going person to be with, but I think that in time he would have bored me to death, and I would have hated him for it. There was some chemistry between us, but we both decided it just wasn't that red hot. As far as comfort level though, it was 110% between us, but physical chemistry, that was about about 50%.

But physical chemistry is such a mystery to me. I mean I had a 200% physical attraction to a guy who I didn't think was that cute. I mean he was okay, but he wasn't that cute to me. The comfort level was very high, and physical attraction was off the charts, but when I looked right at him, I was never struck by how attractive the guy was.

A friend thought he was really cute, but not me. Not that his lack of physical attractiveness stopped me from wanting to pounce on him 24/7, but it did kind of freak me out that I never found him all that cute. The attraction was definitely like an animal, primitive kind of thing, which I put down to the fact that he was most alpha male guy I'd ever come across who I liked as a person. I don't wish to give the impression that the guy wasn't attractive, because I knew alot of women who were after him, I just personally didn't think he was all that cute.

The guy was a 5th generation Texan, and I do think his brand of male species which is very 19th century in flavor, was so exotic and foreign to me and probably to many women who are used to a more gentler breed of man. The guy was just "so male". I don't even know how to describe it exactly, other than to say he just such a "guy-guy", and a total alpha male guy-guy, which I think is such a rarity in the San Francisco Bay Area. The man just oozed "maleness", if you could ooze it, which was so attractive in an odd way.

The guy was sophisticated and everything, but I could sense that underneath the expensive suit and tie, he was wild and untamed. I mean, maybe it helped that the guy used to one want to be a rodeo star and rode bulls for a short time. I don't know. Whatever it was, I just found myself being ensnared in his manliness and liking it. The guy is one of the most brightest I've met in my life, so I'm sure that helped in the attractiveness as well. The Texas guy is one of the few men I've met that I know for a fact is smarter than me, and I don't say that easily about any man.

Man of man, I hope the cute church guy is intelligent. A guy who's not the sharpest tool in the shed is a real turn off. I've tried to date those non-sharp tools from the shed, and it just never works. Some of those non-sharp tools have also happened to me the most attractive guys I've ever dated, but the lack of brain function totaly wore on me. I've definitely dated my share of "dumb blondes", and probably stayed in relationships longer than I should have because of a guy's appearance, but I've learned my lesson on that score. It's so not worth it, no matter how great a guy looks.

I thought I felt an earthquake last night. It was a very short one, but I felt and heard things in my room shake. Come to find out there was a 4.3 earthquake in Santa Rosa at 12:09 am Sunday morning, Saturday night for me. Santa Rosa is about an hour's drive north of San Francisco.

I wonder if other people in the city felt the quake as well.

When I was at Macy's I decided to torture myself and try on a pair of Ralph Lauren Saturday jeans in a size 6. Oh my god, they fit and what's better they weren't really tight. I was so tempted to go try on a size 4, but stopped myself.

I started to think that if I lose any more weight, I'll disappear. What a freaky and silly thought. I still need to lose 10-15 more pounds. My acupuncturist keeps telling me I shouldn't lose any more weight, but when I showed him my tummy, my spare tire and rolls, he finally relented. He said that being too thin wasn't good for me, but if I wamted to lose 10 pounds it was okay. My acupuncuturist said I'll never ever be really thin, because my body type is water. Water types have like 1940's figures, fleshy and curvy but not rake thin.

You'd think that after losing 30 pounds, my chest would shrink but it hasn't. I'm still the same size on top. I mean it's okay because flat chested chicks are having plastic surgery and killing themselves and paying a fortune to have my breasts like mine, so it's not like I'm not grateful. I'm sure if I was a flat chested chick, I'd be obsessed about my lack of chest size as well.

But since I do have a chest, now I obsess about whether to get them lifted because gravity does take its toll, or wondering if I wear a tight shirt a guy will only look at my chest and not at my face. And yes, some guys really do this. It's so rude to not look at a girl's face and only stare at her chest or to make comments like "if the economy gets really bad you can always get a job at Hooters or get on the cover of Jugs."

And you know for the longest time, I was so stupid that I had no idea what "Jugs" was. Jugs is like some girlie magazine that only shows women's chests. And guy who made the jugs comment to me is married with two kids, and is supposedly a friend of mine. Some friend, huh?