I had a somewhat horrific day. My boss and I were supposed to have a meeting at around 1:00 pm, but his previous appointment lasted util 3:30 pm. I decided not to eat, since I was craving junk food and didn't want to go into my meeting smelling like a burger and fries. When he finally stopped by my office, he said he has to go because of the Bay Bridge traffic and that we'd talk later. I'm like, whatever. So I didn't end up eating till 4 pm, and I think I let myself go too long without food because I now I have a really bad headache. I don't know if I waited too long to eat, or it's that disgusting charbroiled bbq sandwich I had a Carl's Jr. I thought I'd try just to see what it tasted like, and it was really gross. But I was so hungry, I ate it anyway. The bbq sauce was sickly sweet, and so full of chemicals, which are probably now swirling through my bloodstream and giving me a pounding headache.

I think I am just stressed out by the whole 9/11 thing. I listened to the radio all day, and it all 9/11 all the time. I didn't mind it at first, but by the end of the day it was so depressing. I feel really numb right now, and it reminds me of how I felt a year ago today. Maybe that's what all this 9/11 anniversary stuff is supposed to do to you; bombard you with all the news, that you feel exactly how you felt a year ago - numb, upset and depressed. I was even sort of missing watching that videotape of those people who were celebrating the bombing by burning an american flag, you know the one TV showed over and over again, you know just to be the exact feeling right. But then as I was radio channel surfing in my car on the way home I came across some foreign accented woman on KPFA going on and on about how bad we Americans are, and all of a sudden the way I felt a year ago on 9/11 was complete, including the anger I felt at the insensitivity of KPFA on a day of national mourning.

God, I detest KPFA!!! They are the reason many people hate liberals. They are so caught up in their do gooder self-righteous, holier than thou, Harvard liberal, we know better than you Mr and Ms idiot on the streets of america because we went to Berserkley and we're smarter than you, that they lose whatever human connection they have to the very people they're trying to help, trying to champion. KPFA and their guests get so caught up in their impractical political ideology, that they forget that people with feelings, people with emotions, people who loved ones who died on 9/11 or whose loved one died in war on Afghanistan might be listening to their shows.

Honestly if foreigners hate our country so much, then why don't they refuse the billions of dollars of aid we send them. I mean that's the right thing to do, if these people had an integrity. Talk about biting the hand that feeds you. Some of these countries would have been wiped off the face of the earth, if it wasn't for the good ole US of A. If foreigners hate us so much, why do they want to be interviewed by our media? Why do they want to appear on our television, our radio programs? I just don't understand their rationale. If I hated a country so badly, I wouldn't have anything to do with them.

What's ironic to me, is that the rest of the world may have caught the american disease of whining. Which means if they have caught the whining disease, then these foreigners who are on talk shows and tv programs talking about why they hate america so much are like those people who get on Jerry Springer's show, or Maury Povich's show, or Sally Jesse Raphael's show, or whatever else sleazy talk show host is out there in tv land. And if this is true, we should then think about these foreigners in the same vein as we do the people who appear on sleazy talk shows. These foreigners are people who we shouldn't pay attention to, except as a source of amusement and derision.

Can you tell I'm in an angry and bad mood today???

I woke up at 5:30 am to watch the ceremony in NYC, since I missed the tragedy the first time around. It was hard to watch and to remember that I was blissfully sleeping here in the city and county of San Francisco, while huge jet planes were crashing into the towers of the World Trade Center.

9/11 further intruded into my world as I was in my car going to work. My neighbourhood has one the largest jewish temples in San Francisco. We also have a jewish school. I had to take a detour to get on Park Presidio Avenue, because the roads to the jewish temple were blocked and being guarded by the police. A few blocks down, I saw that the roads to the jewish school were also blocked and being guarded by the police.

I was frightened to see the blocked roads and the police, but I have to tell myself that they are just being cautious.

On 280 just before my exit, I noticed a bloodied dead raccoon lying on the side of the road. The raccoon was such visible reminder to me of what this day represented last year, what the whole year was about, and I think, what today is still about.

I created a memorial tile on Yahoo. It seemed like a good thing to do. I didn't know what to write, so I picked the statement that said something like we will not forget, to all those who lost on 9/11. I picked these pretty candles, and I think I'm listed under religion. It's that catholic childhood coming up. When I looked closer at the picture, I realized I picked those candle things you see at catholic churches where you pay a certain amount per candle you want to light. I spent alot of time up until age 18 paying for and lighting those candles. To this day when I walk into a catholic church and I see the paid candle rack, I can't help but head straight to it, fork over the cash, and light my candles. It's so automatic for me. Ah ... the joys of growing up catholic.

I'm working tomorrow on the 9/11 anniversary. It seemed like a good idea to be at work, to let those evil terrorists know that they didn't destroy, could never ever destroy this country. In hindsight, I made a good decision. Knowing myself, I would have just stayed home and watched TV all day, then gotten severely depressed about what I'd seen.

I'll go to work like it's a normal day. Maybe I'll even eat out and have a light dinner, just to see what's that like. It might good for me to not eat soup every day, like I've been doing. Although I had my favourite soup today, Progresso Manhattan Clam Chowder. I've loved this soup forever! I thought it would be really fattening, but it's only 220 calories for two cups with 2 grams of fat per cup. YEAH!!! I think this may be the start of a manhattan clam chowder soup binge.

I'll go to my church's 9/11 service at 7 pm, then come home and listen the Mozart's Requiem on TV. I wish I could see it live, maybe even listen to my e-buddy Mr. Zaft sing if I lived where he does, but I'll have to make do with watching it on TV. The cd I have, Mozart's Requiem on Deutsche Grammaphon conducted by Leonard Bernstein, is supposed to be the most definitive version.

I did hear Mozart's Requiem in person a few years ago, in a church no less, and even thought about writing a short story about a girl who is in love with Mozart and travels to listen to his music all over the country. She'd be like a travelling dead head, only she's a travelling Mozart head.

My other short story idea was about a 13 year old girl who's very catholic, and whose parents take her to see Mozart's Requiem. She has a quite an imagination, so as she's listening to the concert, she fantasizes about the statues in the church coming to live, all the statues. I love the gothic horror of the story. I still have nighmares about a movie I saw as a child, where gargoyles come to life, fly around and attack and kill people.

When I was in Chicago, there were many buildings there with gargoyles. After all these years, I still half expected those statues to come to life and swoop down on me and kill me. It's fun how your childhood nightmares never seem to leave you.

I think tomorrow will be a solemn and strange day.