So I kind of ended it with red-headed guy on Friday. I told him he needs to take care of some things in his life before we can be together. I didn't slam the door, I left it open, and the next move is his. So whether we continue forward or not is up to him. And I'm okay about it all.

I loved being in love with red-headed guy, and in fact I'm still into him. I couldn't have picked a more perfect guy to fall for. He was so cute, the right size, so perfect in so many ways, and I believe he sincerely loved me. But he's not really ready for a relationship, he wants to be, he's looking for a way, but he has a ton of work and growing up to do before we can be together.

Maybe the role I needed to play in his life was to move him onto his next step. And if that was all, then I'm happy because I helped him to grow. And he did help me to grow and realize many things about myself. Which is really what having a relationship is about isn't it? Helping you to move on to your next step in life, helping you to grow, and doing it with as much love as is humanly possible. And we both did that I think.

If red-headed guy comes back, then he really is my true love and true love is what I really want for my next relationship. And if he doesn't come back, then he was John the Baptist preparing the way for the true one who is to come. And I'm not going to settle for anything less than true love.

But life does go on for me, so I emailed some guy I had a dream about this morning about getting together. I'm hoping he emails me back. And then there's my weekend in LA in November, which I'm so looking forward to and hoping that red-headed guy doesn't come back before then so I can enjoy my weekend in LA.

It occurred to me this morning that I have been seriously neglecting all the things that I try to do improve my screenplay and novel writing.

I’ve been very good about keeping up with my reading although I can’t seem to read more than four books a month. Thank god I can read on my commutes to and from work. I also always carry a book with me now, so I can read whenever I’m on the train and not just on the way to work. I took one screenwriting seminar, and I’m in my Film History class this semester, so training wise for screenwriting I feel good that I’ve been keeping up. I’m also going to the screenwriting convention in LA in November, and I’m very much looking forward to that weekend.

But I’ve been bad about keeping up with my movie watching, reading books about writing, and taking novel writing classes.

I try to watch at least 100 movies a year, either at home or in the theatre, which means I have to watch two or more movies per week. I’ve been sadly neglecting my movie watching, and I can feel it. I did read three screenplays last months, but it’s not the same as watching a movie for what works and to study audience reaction. And there haven’t been any classes in writing that I’ve wanted to take or that I have time for right now. I need to go back to attending one-day seminars just to keep writing always at the forefront of my consciousness.

I’m starting to realize why there were people in my screenwriting classes who were amazed I could even finish a screenplay in six weeks. Writing is like having a job, and depending on how much work you want to put into it, it could be a full or part time job.

Not only is there writing to do every day, there’s books to read, movies to watch, and seminars to take. And the time involved all adds up. And then if you have a full time job, want to work out, want to go out, have friendships, and want to have a relationship, it’s all got to fit in somehow. And it’s hard and one area has to always suffer, and for me it’s always been my relationship life.

But my life has always been this crazy. When I was younger, I was married, working full time, and I was doing a public relations gig on the side. Things were crazy back then and the ex-hubby used to complain from time to time that I spent more time on my PR gig than on him. After I got divorced, I was still working full time, working on my part time PR gig and trying to run marathons. After my marathon phase, I decided I should try climbing the corporate ladder and worked 80 hours and week and lived at the gym the rest of the time. I dated now and then, but nothing seemed to last and I was too busy working and getting promoted every year to care.

Then I got into my growth and development phase, and was in seminars endlessly, and travelling around the country attending and/or working as a volunteer at the seminars, and still working a full time job and working out. After that phase petered out, the urge to be creative struck me and I tried my hand at acting and took acting classes and was in a couple of plays. And all during that time I was dating and still nothing really lasted because I was too busy either doing my growth and development work or acting to care.

After acting my writing phase started in 1999, and then came Steve who accused me of having too busy of a life to care about him. Then Charlie who said I was too self-absorbed to ever be in a relationship and then Chris, who said I put my screenwriting ahead of my personal life which was a bad thing. And then after awhile I didn’t care about dating because I got tired of men telling me I was too busy for them and I wanted to stop feeling guilty that maybe they were right about me. And in between life happened with five job changes, 9/11, friends and family dying, and everything else that happens in one’s life over the years.

But somehow writing did happen, and I started three novels, wrote one screenplay, a bunch of short stories, got something published in SFGATE.com about 9/11, and am writing a second screenplay. And I don’t know how things get done in my life, but they do get done.

I just wish I could solve my relationship issue once and for all. I know it will be hard work to have a full time relationship with the kind of life I’ve always lead, but I know in the long run that I’ll be much happier being in a couple. And it’s not like I’m all that lonely, but it would nice to have someone to share my life with sometimes.

I did not watch the presidential debate last night because of my film history class, but I watched some of the spinmeisters last night. I love the spin because it always makes me wonder if these people all watched the same thing.

I'm sure the debate will replay over the weekend, and I'll watch it then, but from what I've been able to gather Kerry did well but did not hit a homerun out of the ballpark. Over the weekend, the predictions were that Bush pretty much had the election locked up electorally. I don't think the debate will change the numbers on the electoral college picture at this point.

One of my favorite political commentators said on Saturday that Kerry was running the "lamest" campaign he'd ever seen. Another said that Kerry was gaining steam these last weeks, but it was a day late and dollar short.

The spinmeister that made me laugh out loud last night, Joe Trippi, when he said that this debate will change the course of the election. Wasn't this the guy who ran Howard Dean's campaign and said that would win the democratic nomination? Who is this guy and why does anyone care what he says because he's obviously not very smart about politics.

I was on the train this morning sitting and reading, when a guy got on and stood in front of me and almost shoved his book in my face. When I looked up, I saw a guy who could have been my red-headed boy’s younger cuter brother staring back at me and smiling. And l’m like "OH MY GOD!" I jokingly said to red-headed guy that if things don’t work out with us, I’d love to run into his twin. And like I so did this morning, and he was just as cute, if not cuter than red-headed guy. And I’m like so tripping right now, and I was like totally freaking out as I left the train. Red-headed guy’s twin didn’t get off at my stop, and I had to stop myself from asking for his phone number. I was freaking walking to work, telling myself I couldn’t believe it, and I still can’t get the freaky feeling out of my head.

Am I bad when I say I hope I run into red-headed guy’s twin again on the train?