Wow, there was an earthquake in SF tonight and I was in a bar having drinks with some people from my screenwriting seminar and I didn't even feel it. What a shock! When I checked my cell phone messages, I got frantic calls from friends wondering if I was okay. Actually, I'm glad I missed it because earthquakes freak me out anyway.

Another surprise. People in my screenwriting class are fun to hang out with. It's so hard to tell in a class whether you're going to like anyone and when you're in a writing class, it's even harder, at least for me anyway. As a writer, I am incredibly insecure about my writing and this insecurity translates into everything. When I'm in a new writing class for the first time, I'm always in fear of everyone in the class until I get to know them. And even then, it's still hard because these people will be reviewing your work, they're your critics and consequently, they can be your worst nightmare.

You never like anyone, you always think people are criticizing you and when someone comments on your work, it's like they've stabbed you right in the heart sometimes. Your art is like your baby and they're stepping on it and saying how confusing and bad it is. These aren't exactly the right conditions to develop friendship or love for that matter.

But when you do eventually go out with your fellow writers, you find out they're just as insecure about their writing as you are, and they're human like you are too and not the bad freaky people you thought they were. Which is a nice surprise I think.

I haven't written for a week and although I feel like I've deserved my one week vacation, I feel bad for not writing. I feel bad for not doing the thing that I think I've found after all these years that I really do love, the one thing in the world that I really want to do well and succeed in, and the only way I have to really express myself.

But with this urge to write, comes a lot of caution. Like do I want to bring people and events into my life that will threaten this new love that I've found? If I fall in love and meet the man of dreams, will he take away from my love of writing, because I'll have to spend time with this man? Will I still be able to devote all my free time to writing or research for my stories or will I have to choose between my writing and my boyfriend? I don't know if I'm strong enough to make that decision. I don't know if I'm strong enough to not let anything and anybody get in the way of my writing.

And will the man of my dreams understand my need to write, the time I need to write, the time I need to research, the time I need to just be myself so I can recharge my creative batteries? I don't know and I'm afraid that somewhere along the line, I'll get lost along with my writing.

And I don't know if I could survive losing myself and my writing again. But I don't know if I can survive living much longer without being in love and being part of a couple. It feels like these two issues will come head to head in my life sooner than later, like maybe before the summer is out. And I know I will have to choose but I'm praying to have the best of both worlds; the love of my life, my lifetime soul partner who supports me in my writing. And at this point in my life, I know I won't put up with anything less.