I wish I could be like other people, the rest of the world. I wish I could go through life and party every night and go to work during the day and not worry about contributing to the world, not worry about making a difference, not worry about lifting the consciousness of the world and trying to make the world just a little bit of a better place.

Instead, I'm like such a messed up freak who feels like I was born to make a difference in this world, who worries whether I'm leading a mediocre life, an ordinary life, who worries that I'm leading a life without purpose and direction and that all I'm doing is taking up space on this planet and pissing it away by drinking and partying, and making meaningless conversation with people, some of whom I wish to marry and breed kids with and start a family and live to a ripe old age, and then one day lie on my death bed and realize I haven't done anything worthwhile with my life.

No, I'm the freak who wants to make a difference, who feels so different from the rest of the world and who cries at night at the unfairness of being born different and not feeling like everybody else. I'm tired of being different. I want to be ordinary and just party and drink myself to death. I want to go to parties and not think it's like the biggest waste of time. I want to have a good time and not feel guilty that I'm not at home writing or doing my art, that I'm not fulfilling the purpose of my life, that I'm living a fucking life of mediocrity and not caring.

But I do care and I do feel guilty and I feel torn, because it is nice to be like everybody else. But somehow I just can't and I feel cursed, so cursed, like why was I drafted, why was I picked, why was I made different and why in hell do I suffer so much when I'm not writing and doing my art.

If this is a test on how to lead a balanced life of art and the rest of my life, then I'm failing this very badly. All I want to do is to curl up in a ball and cry and cry and cry, cry till I can't cry anymore, knowing full welll that all my tears will not make a difference to my life, not make it any easier, except to dispel the incredible sadness that I feel.

I'm so tired of being different. It's such a lonely state to be. I wish I could find someone else who felt as dedicated to their art as I was. Who understood the need I have to be alone and create my art, who understood the need I have to just be by myself so I can wind down and recharge all my creative juices again.

I know I don't know what I want. Part of me wants to live an ordinary and meet some guy and fall in love and marry and have a kid. But the other part, the bigger part does not want any part of that mediocrity and would rather live alone so I can devote my life to my art, to my life purpose, to my destiny. And I feel so torn in two, because god, it would be so nice to come home to someone and just lay in their arms and know that I am sharing my life with a man that I love. But I will not do that and sacrifice my art.

I know there's a middle ground somewhere. I wish I could find it. But I haven't been able to so far. And while part of me fears that I'll end up a lonely white haired old witch living alone, the other part of me fears a worse future where I do not write, where I do not create art. And right now, both futures look bleak, very bleak and so I cry and I rail, and I wish I had my own wailing wall so I can just wail away at God for giving me the writing bug, the creative life bug. And yet the other part of me wants to fall down to my knees and pray in gratitude to God for giving me the urge to write, the urge to be creative, the urge to live an extraordinary life. I just wish God would also have given me an instruction manual on how to reconcile the two great wants of my life.