I brought home with me some of my grandmother's videos. She had quite a collection of action movies, kung fu movies and even religious movies.

One of my grandmother's most prized video sets was Franco Zefferelli's "Jesus of Nazareth". I watched part one of the three video set over the weekend. Franco Zefferelli is one of my favorite directors. He's an incredible romantic and very passionate in his story telling.

As I watched the video, I started to remember that I had seen the series on TV sometime in my childhood. The memories are very vague and fuzzy, but they're there.

The wedding scene between Mary and Joseph brought back all my childhood fantasies of wanting to be jewish.

Having been influenced by the Zefferelli movie which depicted Jesus' life as a jew, I always wanted to have a jewish wedding and raise my children jewish just like Jesus. I knew I wasn't jewish, but I also knew if I married a jewish person I could become jewish.

As a young child I had no idea that christians and jews were different and lived in different worlds. If I had a baby, I wanted my child to have covenant by blood. I didn't know about covenant by faith. If had a boy child, I wanted my boy child to be barmitzvahed so he could be a part of jewish temple life.

I also remembered in college telling my first love that I wanted to have a wedding ceremony where I jumped over a broom, which I think is an eastern european jewish custom.

Watching that Zefferelli movie years later was so bittersweet, because in the process of growing up I had to give up that jewish dream. I had to to own that being jewish and being a follower of christ were not only two different things, they were diametrically opposed.

And it really became all very clear to me when I told my grandmother about my jewish first love, and she told me I was dating a "killer of Christ". What a very rude awakening!

Watching that Zefferelli movie made me realize that I had even forgotten I had that fantasy of being jewish like Jesus. And I think I cried because I had to finally admit to myself that I had given up that dream a long time ago, but never really acknowledged the loss of this strange childhood fantasy of mine.

I didn't even know that deep down in some part of my consciousness I even still had the dream, and I only still had my jewish fantasy dream because I never acknowledged giving it up.

What can I say? Kids think the strangest things don't they?

And it's not like if I fell seriously in love with a jewish person, I wouldn't raise my children jewish. I know for certain I would feel guilty if I didn't raise a jewish child in the jewish culture. Being jewish is both an identity of blood as well as culture, and I would not dream of denying my part jewish child his or her identity.

But then the Jesus thing would be problematic down the road, and as this stage in the game I'm a little practical to want religious stress in home life. Not that it couldn't be done, because I have friends who are raising their children with both christian and jewish customs.

It's just harder and more added stress than I would ever want.

Still it's so very sad to let go of a childhood wish and fantasy, no matter how silly the wish and fantasy are in real life.