So I went to Ash Wednesday service and I must admit, I was a little uncomfortable at the thought of getting on public transportation with the ash sign of the cross on my forehead since I was taking the bus to church. Talk about feeling marked as a Christian. I think I was starting to believe the media hype and myth about San Francisco being an unfriendly place to Christians and other religious people, and didn't want to be the only one walking around marked as a Christian. From the things I've read and the way I've heard people talk, you'd think San Francisco was full of agnostics and aetheists.

But of course as is always the case with media hype, it's all a huge exagerration or some would put it more unkindly, one huge lie.

The first bus I got on was about 25% full of people with ash crosses on their forehead, some of whom I recognized from the service I'd been to. When I boarded the Muni train, there were other people on the train with ash crosses on their forehead. And when I was coming out of the store in my own neighborhood, I saw people walking about and in restaurants with ash crosses on their foreheads.

So contrary to popular beliefs about the city of Saint Francis by the Bay, Christianity is alive and well, at least on this Ash Wednesday in 2004.

I'm going to relive my junior high years. I'm watching "The Passion of Christ" tomorrow. It will be like me going to Stations of the Cross every Friday before easter. I wonder if I'll feel 13 again while watching the movie.

Oh my willies! It's hailing in San Francisco!!! What gives?

I found this course at the UC Berkeley Extension site. That job I interviewed for wants a person who can forecast how and why healthcare consumers make decisions about where to seek medical treatment.

The Economics of Health: Current Issues and Dilemmas

Choices about health care are often considered unique and separate from other choices we make in life. From an economic perspective, all choices depend on the availability of scarce resources, on alternative uses of these resources, and on differing human wants. This course emphasizes current issues and dilemmas facing health policy makers, and explores how and in what manner effective health choices can be made by individuals, institutions, and society.

I just figured something out. That company I interviewed with this morning doesn't really want someone who can data model. They want someone who can build a logical decision making tool that weights all these different pieces of information. And the pieces of information won't necessarily be all the same either or easily quantifiable.

How do you weight something abstract like quality of care as opposed to the numbers of procedures performed per 1,000 members? Which one is more important in eyes of a healthcare consumer?

What they really want and need is a biostatistician, and I'm definitely not that. They told me they don't want a biostatistician, but that's what the job really sounds like. Or maybe they need to say they want someone with a masters in Public Health.

I also have my Film History mid term tonight on top of everything else. I have no idea what to study for, even though we did get a study guide. I have a feeling with eveyrthing I've been going through, I'm just not going to do all that well.

So my interview was 20 minutes, as they were pressed for time as I was. I'm not sure how I did, but I"m glad it's over.

I dont' think they know what they want. They kept asking me if I could do data modeling, but the job description never mentioned that. Oh well, I tried my best to answer their questions. I've done a little bit of data modeling, but they were asking for data modeling with different sources of data which is hard to do. You have to make a judgement call when you're comparing apples to oranges.

I did get to meet my potential future boss from LA. She reminded me of last female boss. She was small, cute, perky and had two kids. If I get to work with her, I think we should get along great. She told me she went to the Ash Wednesday service at the catholic church I recommended, so that was a good sign.

I hate interview questions that go, "there a ton of analysts out there, why should we hire you?" I mean, what are you supposed to say to a question like that. Whatever.

Not sure I ever posted the story, but here it is. I had to write a story about what I felt about "my art", and this is what came out. The story kind of reminds me of the movie, "All That Jazz". To the Bob Fosse character, death was a knockout blonde with major T&A swinging on a swing in a diaphanous gown.

Art is Scary

I left home for the first time when I was nineteen. Mom and dad said I needed to go to Smith, but I persuaded them that what I really needed was to take a year off from school. They reluctantly agreed. I knew they were worried but I also knew they would never say so. It wasn’t that I hated my home or anything like that, I had a great relationship with my parents. I just wanted to see things, do things, see and do wild and crazy things and home definitely was not the place to do it. Actually I think the only reason my parents let me go at all, was the fact that I was going to stay with Aunt Sally or Aunt Bhakti as she liked to be called in San Francisco.

San Francisco to me was a really happening place. I mean, you know, old hippies, gay people, computer nerds and every kind of freak imaginable. And Aunt Bhakti, she was really cool. She was always sending me great presents like my incense burner and my little Buddha with the blue hair. Dad said she was an old hippie from the 60’s who never got over the Vietnam War and men with long hair, but she was also mom’s younger sister and very rich. They had to let me go, Aunt Bhakti was family after all. So off I went to San Francisco. Aunt Bhakti lived in a drafty old Victorian house on Cole Street, full of artwork, books, plants and cats. I had my own room, my own house key and keys to one of Aunt Bhakti’s car, a 1962 peach coloured MG in mint condition. I loved that car. I was in that car when I met Art.

Art was my first real grown up boyfriend. He was older than me, 29 and beautiful. He sort of looked like Jack Nicholson only younger. I met Art when I was stopped in traffic. I had been sitting in my car for ten minutes when he walked up to me. He looked great; he was in a dark navy pinstriped suit wearing a tie with turquoise and white horizontal stripes. He gave me this really corny line like "I’ve never done this king of thing before, I mean walking to a complete stranger and saying this, but would you like to go out sometime?" I was thinking yeah right, but he was really cute and there something about his Mediterranean blue eyes that was interesting and dark, really dark. So I found myself saying, "Sure, what are you doing now, want to go dinner when the traffic clears. By the way, my name is Melissa." Art smiled, and hopped in. That was the start of our relationship. Art and I never did anything except take drugs and have sex.

Art had lots of inherited money that he managed through his stockbroker. Art’s most rewarding quality was this talent he had for being able to look at any drug and tell you what it was for, how much to take to get high and how to mix it with alcohol and other drugs to get even higher. I’ve never met anyone since with that kind of gift. We did a lot of drugs together and it was a blast until morning. Most of the time, I’d wake up in the morning completely strung out, but not Art. He had great tolerance. He’d wake up at the crack of dawn, turn on the TV on and watch the stock market report. Sometimes I joined him but I would get dizzy watching the tickertapes go by and go back to bed.

I remember this one night Art and I had taken 4 grams of mushroom each. We had also been drinking cocktails earlier so we were really tripping. Art had a balcony with a fabulous view of the Bay Bridge. I had a fear of heights, and since his apartment was 12 stories up, I had never gone out on the balcony. Art went out on the balcony that night and made me go with him.

That was Art, he was really cool, but he scared me sometimes when I was with him. Art always made me go places that I was afraid to go, but he kept saying facing the fear was the fun part, living on the edge was what really mattered in life. He kept begging me to join him on the balcony. The best thing about taking mushrooms is you get a body buzz. You feel really great, almost giddy, you feel ready to do anything, and so I went.

I looked around. It was so beautiful and not as frightening as I thought it would be. Art grabbed my hand and took me towards the edge of the balcony. I suddenly had this thought that I would like really like living on the edge like Art and the thought was freaking me out, but I went with him anyway. Art was seductive to me and he knew it. We got to the edge and we both looked down. It was like looking down into a pool; I wanted to dive in. I was mesmerized; part of me wanted to jump, a big part. Art was standing next to me and holding my hand. Did he know what I was thinking? I wondered. He seemed to. I looked into his eyes and he smiled and said, "Looks inviting, doesn’t it?" I smiled back and looked down again. It seemed like we stood there for a long time, looking down, looking into each other’s eyes, and then looking down again. Lover’s suicide pact scenes were playing in my head. It all seemed so incredibly romantic somehow.

Art leaned over to look down further and accidentally knocked his beer glass over. It fell and although I couldn’t see or hear it, I imagined it smashing down on the street below and breaking into a thousand pieces. Then through a psilocyben haze, I saw myself falling and smashing on the street like the glass. I couldn’t tell if this was real, I felt no pain. I must have died because I saw myself looking down on my lifeless body. I felt sad, I was dead and now I had left my body. I felt tears in my eyes coming out and I wanted to cry, but I couldn’t.

All of sudden, I saw these little beings crawling out from my body. They were small and looked like diaper clad babies but they were walking. I didn’t know what they were, maybe they were toxins coming out, it was a weird scene. And they were carrying things. I looked closer at them. One baby being was carrying a book. I looked at the book title and it was the name of the book I had told myself I would write one day "Tall, White and from Detroit". How strange I thought? The baby being was carrying one of my dreams and desires. I saw another baby being carrying my Easter Bunny with feet with bunny faces that dad had bought me when I was seven. I loved that Bunny. I kept him because he had brought me so many good memories. The baby being was taking my childhood memories. Something inside me snapped at that point.

I jerked my head up. I was alone on the balcony. I looked around and saw Art. He had gone back inside and was sitting on the couch watching TV. I went back inside, into the bedroom and lay down, I needed to sleep. I knew Art wouldn’t mind. He would eventually pass out watching TV. I didn’t think I would be able to sleep, but I passed out quickly.

I woke up very early the next morning. Art was in bed next to me sleeping soundly. I put on my clothes, wrote a note for Art, kissed him on the cheek and left. I got in my car and went home. Aunt Bhakti was up, as usual, watering her plants. I sat down and told her I wanted to go home. Nothing ever surprised Aunt Bhakti. She smiled and said I’ll call your folks and book you a flight so you can be home tonight. I got up and hugged her. I knew she never really liked Art and I think she was secretly glad I was going home. On the flight home, I kept wondering if my room was going to be the same. Mom always has always cleaned and rearranged my room when I was away at camp. I had been gone for nine months. I was praying as hard as I could that mom hadn’t done anything to my room. I made promises to God, prayed to my blue haired Buddha, prayed to every god and guru I had ever heard of for my room to be the same.

That night when I got home and entered my room, I almost screamed in relief. My room looked exactly the same. Everything was exactly where I left it. I put my stuff down and sat on my bed. I saw my Easter bunny with the bunny-faced feet sitting on my bookshelf. I was glad to be home.

This is fun news. Someone just emailed me wanting to know if it would be okay for her use my performance monolugue piece - "Art is Scary" for a reading at her drama class.

Oh my god, how incredibly flattering! Of course, I said yes and good luck. I asked her to tell me how her reading went as well, because I'm curious as to how her class will react.

I got lots of laughs and applause when I performed it, and everyone said I did really well. It's weird to perform something you've actually written, instead of someone else's piece. How often as an actor do you get the chance to ever do that?

Here's some surprising news. That job I thought I flubbed and lost is now in process again. They called me back today for another interview for tomorrow to meet my future boss' senior manager. Apparently they've been crazily preparing for a meeting like I have, and were too busy to call.

I wasn't going to go because I'm way too busy, but I really want to meet my potential future boss who is based in Los Angeles and is here for the week. I mentioned something about working tonight after Ash Wednesday service, and she asked me if there was a catholic church near downtown where Enlglish is spoken. I told her to go to Old St. Mary's Catholic Church which is within walking distance of downtown and Union Square, but emailed her the links anyway for a couple of downtown catholic churches.

I don't think I've ever had a boss who went to church. I've met people at work who went to church, but I've never reported to someone who actually attended church regularly.

For my SciFi, Fantasy and Horror Writing class, I have to email my instructor 350 words of "daily fiction" every day until the end of the seminar. He said it can be anything we want, a fiction piece, a good rant, whatever.

So I started idea # 2, a novel tentatively titled "The Dwarf who Heard Voices".

It's a first draft without editing or corrections, just whatever is in my head. So beware!

************
At night I hear the voices; always they speak. Not loud enough to hear very well, and yet not soft enough to be ignored. But enough to where I hear their murmurings on the edge of my consciousness and I see their grotesque images chanting evil words in my dreams.

When I first heard the sounds, I thought it was a radio or a television turned on too loud in one of the other houses. They built the houses here so close together with shoddy thin walls that you know when dinner is over at night because burping noises echo like bells through the neighborhood. But the sounds came late at night and we had a strictly enforced noise rule starting at 10 pm, so I knew it wasn’t one of my neighbors. And even if it were, I knew someone else would complain about it first and the noise would stop. But it didn’t.

I tried not to listen, tried not hear, even going so far as to walk around with earplugs or stereo headphones. But still I heard the sounds. So I had to listen to them, I was forced. And the more I listened, the more I became aware that the sounds were voices and that they were not dwarf made, or human made, or any other creature for that matter. No creature of this world could have spoken with those voices. And then the dreams started.

Those horrible dreams of misshapen dwarves who looked like they’d been wadded up like a piece of paper and then half straightened out again, always standing in a circle and chanting, droning on and on night after night. Standing in the middle of the circle was an outline of a human male figure with no distinguishable features, looking like a shadow but with bulk and form. He stood there waving his black arms and at least once every dream; one of the deformed dwarves would step into the inner circle and disappear. But not without a flash of the malformed dwarf’s life replayed in the dream. It was the flashes of life that I came to fear the most.
*****************

Everyone is talking about Mel Gibson's movie The Passion of the Christ, and of course I want to see it being raised a catholic and all. "The Passion" is like The Stations of the Cross at Easter come to life ... how cool is that!

We used to go to church every Friday starting the week of Ash Wednesday to do "Stations of the Cross". It never affected me till I was in my hormonal crazy teenage years. I have memories of myself at age 13, balling my eyes out during the whole service, suffering and weeping with JC, wincing at every fall, wishing I was the one who wiped his forehead, pledging my body, heart, mind, soul, and my life to JC forever!

Those were my "high holy catholic girl days", when all I wanted to be was a nun. I remember praying fervently every night for "stigmata" because that meant you were really chosen to be one with JC and suffer with him. Or alternatively fantasizing I was Mary Magdalene and singing to JC "I don't know how to love him", and dreaming about pouring oil and humming "don't you know everything all right, yes everything's fine."

Of course once I hit the age of 15 all of that changed, and I became a "cool left wing intellectual" questioning believer who despised bourgeois middle class values like religion and wore a french beret.

And well that changed again when I turned 16, and decided that what I really needed was to find myself an indian hindu guru so I could do yoga, eat almonds, be a vegetarian and meditate in India or the Himalayas and wear cool hippie outfits.

I cried my heart out at age 13 for Stations of the Cross, so I'll probably be a basket case when I see "The Passion".

I was so depressed and freaked out last night, I started reading Dark Night of the Soul by St. John of the Cross.

This book brought so much comfort to me during my depression times. I haven't read this book in years, but as soon as I started reading it I felt better. One of the reviewers from Amazon said she couldn't understand it at first, but I totally related to the book the first time I opened it up. It's definitely not for everyone, and my catholic background definitely helps me to understand it.

I wonder if I am going through a "dark night of the soul". It's only happened to me once before and afterwards, I changed my life around 360 degrees twice. I'm not sure I want to go through that level of change again, but I might have to if I am going through a "dark night" phase again.

Here's a good article on two of the intellectual loves of my life, Christopher Hitchens and Thomas Friedman, The Liberal Hawks.

I'm adding it to my list of labels, "Brenda Elfgirl the Liberal Hawk". Even former peace doves will fight when attacked. I still haven't read or heard any cogent arguments for the other side that can stand up to Hitchens and Friedman.

My fantasy is to write fiction and stories as well these two can argue and write.

**For Hitchens, a confirmed atheist, the real war, the ongoing war, is ages older. “I think everything is a clash between secularism and religion – my original allegiance to the left was on this point,” he said. “You hear (the left) saying ‘Well, we mustn’t offend Muslims.’ Do they think the Muslims will return the compliment? Do they think the Muslims will recognize gay marriages? Yes, actually they do."**

Stress is good for one thing; weight loss. I've lost 8 pounds since February 4.

My new goal weight is 126 pounds, which will be first thing I get up in the morning weight, but more like 130-132 pounds if I were to weigh myself during the day.

Ediets.com says I can get there by June, and I'm hoping they're right.

I haven't been working on my novel since stress is not conducive to my creativity, but I did come up with three new ideas for story tonight. I had the first session of my "Science Fiction, Fantasy, and Horror" writing class tonight, so I guess I'm getting inspired.

1. "Confessions of a Chocolate Shiksa Goddess" - came up with this one on the way to class, semi-autobiographical story on the joys and perils of dating jewish men. It takes place in NYC, and is supposed to be very comical. Thinking about the title "confessions of a pineapple flavoured chocolate shiksa goddess" as well, but that would be way too biographical sounding.

2. "The Dwarf who heard voices" - some weird scifi story about a female dwarf who hears weird voices in the night, and finds out that she's living one some kind of evil site for the Belial (another name for satan in the bible). She loses her job, her man, and gets booted out of her home and into the crazy dwarf asylum. But she escapes and starts to investigate the evil cult of Belial. She was journalist before, so becomes an underground journalist investigating satanic cults. She disguises herself as a homeless person, but then gets caught and is killed and cursed.

3. "Confessions of a Robot Sex Worker" - a variant of the chocolate shiksa story but changed so it could be a science fiction story. It would be fun to write a diary from a robot sex worker. I would model her on those spooky robots chicks from that bizarre movie "Cherry 2000". Should be a comical story because robot chick sex worker would be so clinical about sex, and there would be dominatrix stories and things of that nature. I don't know, I think it's funny.

Sorry for not posting. I took the day off on Friday because I had to use my birthday holiday within 30 days, a company rule I didn't know existed until this year. Spent the whole day studying for my film history mid term next Thursday.

I was expecting to get a call back from that company I interviewed for on Tuesday, but there was no call. God, I hate interviewing for a new job!

I got so depressed and woke up sick and tired on Saturday, and spent most of the day in bed. I finally dragged myself out and called a friend and felt better after that. I was supposed to go to the Orchid show on Saturday too.

On Sunday, I woke up feeling the same way so I skipped church and slept till the late afternoon. I don't know if I'm really depressed or just coming down with something. One of my therapists told me once that sometimes it's okay to just do nothing except sleep. Sometimes your body just needs to shut down for awhile.

Went to bed on Sunday dreading my job, dreading my life, wondering how I was going to face it all. Some 12-step voice in my head kept saying "one day at a time, one day at a time".

Once I started working this morning I felt better. I have a ton of work to do this week preparing for a new client presentation on Friday. I called my boss this morning to talk about what I have to do for the week, and he was trying to be nice. Don't trust him though, which I feel bad about.

The consultant I work with called and asked me how the job was going. I told him I was looking for another job, and he said he was going to try and find out what was going on from some exec VP he works with. It's nice that he cares, but there's nothing he can do about my job situation.

I think I'm depressed because I really wanted that job I interviewed for on Tuesday. It was more responsibility than I'm used to, but I think I could have done it. The job was perfect too since the offices are in downtown San Francisco, and I wanted to work downtown again.

I keep telling myself it's okay, it was my first job interview in four years and I blew the interview because I'm so out of practice. But what freaks me out even more is my intuition kept telling me I had the job. I never get intuitions about any job I'm interviewing for, so I was really hopeful.

What a hoax! My intuition was so off! How can my intuition be so wrong? It's never been wrong like this before. It makes me think I can't trust myself, can't trust my intuition and that's so depressing. If I can't trust my gut instincts, what can I trust?

On the diet front, I lost one pound this week. I'm surprised I lost weight at all because I've been so stressed out and ate out twice last week.

We ended up going to Chevy's after the ballet because there was a half an hour wait at Max's and there was no room to wait at the bar. Those darn warm tortilla chips are just addictive, and we went through 2.5 baskets of chips. I also had a giant margarita, which I'm sure just upped my calorie count.

But I did only eat half my dinner, and took the rest home. The leftovers are still sitting in the freezer, and I can't decide whether to eat them or just throw them away. I took home half a chicken tamale, half a chile rileno, rice and beans.

I'm pretty happy with the diet because I'm not that hungry. I feel hunger pains, but I'm trying to ignore them and anyway they're not that severe yet. My size 8 Ralph Lauren jeans are fitting again, although I think theyr'e still too snug.

I've been doing a lot of personal journaling, so writing in the blog seemed redundant these last few days.

I think I'm still trying to process the events of February 5 and my desire to leave my job, so I'm journaling and doing exercises like crazy. I hate to leave a job where it's cosy and I've been relatively stress free for four years.

As I write that line, I wonder if I'm just fooling myself that that my job has been relatively stress free because it really hasn't. What's stress free is the level of work and the amount of hours that I work. What's not stress free is the constant reorganization that keeps going on in the company and has been going on since day one.

I had an interview on Tuesday that I thought was going pretty well, until we noticed there was a mistake on my resume. Damn! I hate that. What a bad first impression to leave on people. Oh well. I guess there could have been worse things that could have happened.

Three or four weird things did happen which I've been journaling about as well.

1) There was JC reference in my interview. I never had that happen to me before. I interviewed with two people and one of them said, "We don't expect you to turn water into wine." I think my mouth almost dropped open, like where the heck did that come from? My spiritual side likes to think that JC was there with me at my interview and somehow that was like my sign to know. But then again, I don't know what to think. I just don't remember ever hearing a JC reference ever in an interview.

2) One of the interviewers looked me straight in the eyes, and I felt my heart twinge as he said this like he was tryiing to speak to me heart to heart, that a lot of job was going to be staring at numbers and spreadsheets day in and day out. I think he was trying to tell me how boring the job can be, and I was thinking to myself that I've been staring at numbers in spreadsheets most of my working life.

3) At the end of the interview, they asked me if I had any questions and I started talking about where I saw the proram going in the future. I felt another heart twinge there, and I felt we really connected and they were impressed about my suggestions. A friend suggested that if they don't hire me, they'll steal my ideas but I don't care about that.

4) One of the interviewers had heard of my college, and said his brother-in-law taught art history there now. What a small world and what a weird connection to have with someone I just met.

I wasn't happy coming out of that interview, thinking that I stunk to high heaven, but I've never had a good feeling about any job interview I've ever had. Then I came home, and I received an intuition that I got the job but I don't know if I can trust that feeling.

They said they were interviewing other candidates and would let me know either the end of this week or the beginning of next, if they wanted to schedule me back for a second interview. They asked me when I could start because they want to fill the position in a month, and I said I needed to give two weeks notice to my current job.

It's a newly created position, which has its good and bad points. The bad point would be that there would be no on to train me on how to do the job, but that could also be a good point because I could make the job my own. But because it's a newly created position, I think there is a lot expectation as to what this person will do but no history to back up their expectations.

In other words, it's a fly by the seat of your pants kind of job and I haven't had one of those in four years. Well technically that's not true because my last three jobs were newly created positions, but it's also been four years since I've had to start over in a new job.

There is more stuff going on as well for me emotionally, since I think any job change brings up all kinds of stuff up. It's been a little stressful dealing with emotional stuff coming out. On the current job front, I've come to a neutral feeling about it and things have settled down and I'm busier than ever. Whenever my new boss calls, he's been very nice and not awkward with me as he was last week or the week before. If he could get over his control issues with me working at home, I think he might actually turn out be a good guy to work for in the end. But only time will tell right?

I woke up this morning, and plugged into my work computer and checked my employee manual. Today is a holiday for my company. For most of the companies I've worked for in the past, I never had this holiday off.

I sort of remember having this holiday off last year, but I guess I just forgot.

Happy Valentine's Day everyone!

I'm off to see the ballet, Don Quixote (Full-Length) at SF Ballet.

We're going to the matinee, and then we'll probably go to Max's Cafe for dinner. This is my first time dining out while on the new diet. It's going to be interesting. I'm planning to order a green salad with a low fat dressing, and then order a pastrami sandwich and only eat half of it.

I hate being on a diet and eating out, but I've got to learn to eat healthily and small while having a meal out. A friend of mine said, a doggie bag is a girl's and any dieter's best friend. You can order a full meal, and have half at the restaurant and take the rest home for another meal. It's like eating out twice.

I know you'll be heartbroken about this news, The Storybook Romance Comes To An End For Barbie And Ken.

Barbie and Ken are breaking up, but Barbie is no fool. She's already got her safety raft guy lined up, and his name is Blaine the Australian boogie boarder.

I think Barbie is going through a major mid life crisis, and dumping Ken who was always a little too swish. There were all those rumours that Ken was too narcissistic anyway, and playing both sides of the field. Who needs that? So Barbie got smart and rediscovered her surfer girl roots, and turned into "Cali Girl Barbie". And what better for a surfer girl than an Aussie boy. Them Aussie boys totally know their surf.

So I have my first job interview next Tuesday. Oh my god, I am so nervous. I haven't had a job interview in four years, not since year 2000 and I am so out of practice.

I'm not sure if this job is quite the right fit for me, but at least they called me. The job sounds interesting, and I'm trying to view this interview as an opportunity to practice my interviewing skills.

One of the jobs I ended up in, I went into the interview thinking I didn't really want the job but that it would be good interview practice. The person I interviewed with at the end said I could have the job that night and I could name my price. Never had that happen before. I really enjoyed that job too for awhile, and when I left I was genuinely sorry to be leaving. Those were the good old days back in 1998.

I wrote out what I wanted in a new job a few days ago, but I'm going to review and rewrite my list again just to make sure. The job is in downtown San Francisco, and I was wishing I could work downtown again. It's a good sign isn't it?

One of the girls on American Idol was quoted as saying she would love to marry Simon Cowell, and I think she was kind of embarrassed. I would so marry Simon Cowell is a serious second. He is so hot!

I've been sucked into watching "The Apprentice" with Donald Trump. So many people I know watch that show that I have to see it just to be able to understand what my friends are all buzzing about.

The comments about the contestants are pretty brutal, but pobably true. One of the guys said today that the girl who was being booted off was "probably an employee not a leader".

I was having this discussion with a friend of mine today. I really like being an employee, but most places I've worked at want me to be a "leader". It always creates problems, and it's happening in my present job. I know my bosses just don't understand me not wanting to climb the corporate ladder. I had a boss a few years ago warn me that I would run into problems with other jobs because I didn't want to go into management. I hate to admit it, but the guy was right.

At my last job I told my boss that I didn't really see myself as the management type, and she said she was fine with that. But by the end of my time there, I was managing a business analyst. It kind of made me mad but I had no choice but to accept it.

I want to be a full time writer, but until then I have to have a job. And I don't want to have a job that will eat up all my energy and my time. I need to have something left at the end of the day to pursue my writing ambition.

I guess if I wrote in the morning, this might not be such a problem because I'd give my energy to my writing ambition first and not to the way I need to earn money. But I am so not a morning person. I've tried writing in the morning, and it just doesn't work.

I think this is why most writers do write in the morning because that's when their energy is fresh and new. If you leave it to after work and at night, by that time you might be too drained to be creative. I've been in enough night classes to have heard people complain about being too tired to think.

There's got to be a way I can do both, to have an interesting job that challenges me and earns me enough money so I can continue my lifestyle but is not so stressed and tiring that I can't write at night when I get home.

Maybe I'll try writing in the morning again. If I can train myself to go to bed at a decent time, I'll be able to wake up an hour earlier. I can crank out four handwritten pages in about 40 or so minutes, so it's not like not like I need that much time to get my writing done.

I'm not one of those people who can crank out 2 hours of writing every day, week in and week out. Forty minutes to an hour of solid writing is about my creative limit.

Maybe if I turn myself into a morning writer, it won't matter what kind of job I have or how stressfull and tiring I am at the end of the day. I'll have to think about doing this. I've been such a night owl all my life.

I've been journaling a ton on the tumultous events happening in my work life, and I think I've managed to calm myself down and to view what's happening a little more rationally. It took six days, but at least I'm not on edge anymore. I've also been praying and meditating a lot, and I'm sure it all helps.

One way I know I'm feeling better is I was able to write tonight. Yeah me! I started chapter 10 of my novel, and I wrote for thirty or so minutes and hand wrote 2.5 pages. I'm writing this chapter in from the male character's point of view, so the writing is going a little slower but hey, at least it's going.

Instead of trying to imagine what it's like to think like a guy, a feat that would be pretty impossible for me I think, I try to instead imagine the male character telling me his side of the story. And since my male character is based on someone I actually knew, I just imagine this particular guy telling me the story. It's weird, but it's working so far.

I had my first weigh in today with the new diet from ediets.com and I lost five pounds. YEAH!!! I'm back in the 150's. Ediets has all these charts and if I keep going and the weight keeps coming off by two pounds a week, I'll be 127 pounds by June 2. That's really small. I haven't weighed that little since college when I used to wear a size 4-6.

Whatever. I'm just glad the weight is coming off, and I don't feel that starving yet. Besides, my pants are fitting looser and that's always a good thing. I miss my size 8 jeans.

I was watching the movie, Hardball starring Keanu Reeves about a gambler forced to coach an inner city cabrini project chicago little league baseball team.

The movie was a little long, and a little predictable but it was so heart wrenching nonetheless. It made me feel spoiled because those kids lead such violent horrific lives. My family didn't have that much money growing up, but at least I grew up in a house with a big yard where my mother raised orchids. There was no city violence to worry about, no gangs, no guns and drive-by shootings.

That movie made me think about my "charmed life", and how I think I am now what I hated as a teen - "middle class". We weren't really poor, we weren't really rich, we were in the middle. By the time I came along I was the only kid in the house, and the family wasn't so financially strapped.

I grew up thinking there would always be money somehow and compared to those kids, I've become cavalier in my attitudes toward money. I just spent $83 to get my hair cut. I only get my hair trimmed three or four times a year, but still $83 is a lot for a shampoo, trim, style, and blowdry.

I remember when I used to go to Supercuts and beauty schools to get hair trimmed, and now I pay top dollar. I don't pay it without blinking an eye because I'm way too Jack Benny for that, but I still pay it.

I heard Suze Orman say on her television show that it's foolish to take spending money for granted because every little expense adds up. She's right. A couple of months ago I bought myself some new eating utensils. I could have bought cheaper ones, but nooooo, I had to have the ones with the pineapple tipped handles that were originally $200 for four place settings but which I bought on sale for $100.

I could have bought cheaper silverware, because in the long run does it really matter what your silverware is like. But nooooo, I had to have pineapple tipped ones because I want to have the tropics inspired things in my apartment.

Like what is is up with me wanting "tropic inspired" crap? Where did that come from? Or the time I wanted to decorate my kitchen in french country, and the time I wanted to decorate my bathroom so it had a caribbean/ocean flavour, and that other time I wanted to decorate my living room so it felt like I was living in a country cottage. Not to mention that I have obsession for owning brittish made dinnerware, and not just any old brit brand but Spode only.

Like where did I pick up all this silly decorator nonsense from? I'm like totally spoiled, living and acting spoiled, and there are kids living in the squalor of inner city housing projects. I'm experiecing a case of "middle class wealth guilt", and it's horrible!

Just when I feeling really good about my life, something happens to destroy that feeling. It's always that way isn't it? It's not that my life has gone completely to hell in a hand basket, but I get totally freaked out when I don't feel secure about my job.

And right now I'm stressed about my job, and I've been waking up at 5 am sometimes 4 in the morning, worrying about what will happen to me. I haven't felt that way in a long time.

Even when my company was moving location last year and the possibility of being unemployed was real, I wasn't as freaked out as I am now. Last year in my old apartment, I could have handled being unemployed. It would have been hard, but I could have survived on unemployment and savings for a long time.

With the new apartment, surviving on unemployment and saving is still possibilty but not for very long. The new scenario scares me, and makes me wonder if I should have listened to my friend when she said not to move until I knew for sure that working from home was going to work to work out mutually for me and company.

I've gotten used to working from home but with my new boss who is a control freak, my remoteness is irksome to him, very irksome.

He doesn't know me, he's relatively new to the company and he's trying to prove that he deserved his VP promotion. And I get to be the sacrificial goat for his trial by fire. It's not a pleasant feeling. He's toned down his initial "lordiness", but it's still there. And I don't think he's going to forgive me for complaining to my old boss who is also his boss, about him pressuring me to move. In fact, he's already started to torture me in little ways.

And it's not like I haven't faced this situation before because I have, and when it happened I was able to find another job fairly quickly, so quickly that the new boss was so shocked that I resigned.

But I have fears. The economy is bad right now out here. There are a ton of jobs in my field right now and for my particular skill set, but it's a employer's market out there and I'm competing with bunches and bunches of people who are looking for jobs. Employers can pick and choose.

I mean, I have good feelings about my job prospects. I've never had problems finding employment before, but I don't I've ever had to look for a job in this tight of an economy.

I've dug out all my positive thinking books, and am reading them nightly. Those books helped me get through all my other job crises, and their principles do work. Let's just hope they'll work even now.

Here's my latest film hearthrob, Damian Lewis. He's the actor who plays "Soames" on The Forsythe Saga 2.

Not quite sure if he's a femme brit boy or why I find him so maddeningly attractive, other than the fact that he looks so much like "one that got away". I can hear dogs barking, and I always associate barking dogs with "the one that got away" because he used to tell me "he was the dog and I was the cat".

He was referring to the fact that I was a cat person, and he was a dog person. I tried to tell him I liked dogs as well, but as a person I related to cats more. He said as a person he was more of dog, and besides he detested cats.

It's that red hair ... it's like catnip to me ... very, very bad but I must have it.

I think my new boss figured out that I wasn't happy with the new move. He called me today and said he wanted me to come spend a week at the Sacramento office, when he would be in town in March. Like big whoop getting to go to Sacramento for a business trip for a week.

I told him I had classes on Monday and Thursday night, and he didn't even moan and groan like I thought he would. He said fine, and that I should plan on being there from Tuesday thru Thursday but that I could leave early on Thursday to get to my class.

I'm like I hate this. I'll probably be staying at the same hotel he stays at, and he'll want to do the business socializing thing. It's only for two nights which means one of those nights or at least lunch times will be a group eating event.

I think he said he would be there Monday, which means he'll have his own car and I don't have to chauffer him around. That would be the worst!

The guy is a total control freak, and he hates that I work at home where no one can keep an eye on me and report on me when I'm slacking off. Whatever!

I've been checking it out, and the job market for my field isn't as bad as I thought it would be given the sorry state of the economy. In fact, I haven't seen this many ads for jobs in my particular line of work ever. That's got to be a fortuitous sign yes? It might take awhile, but one of these days I'll be moving on.

So I went to the phone store to upgrade my cell phone, and I ended up nging to a cheaper plan with less coverage. I stopped travelling for work, and I started to think I was paying for coverage that I never really used.

I have the cheaper plan, so if I want to upgrade I won't get penalized. I did sign a two year contract, but I never switched phone contracts in four years so I'm not too worried.

Of course, now I'm just worried about getting hit by roaming charges. I used to get those all the time before I switched plans, and roaming charges can really, really add up. I have a national plan, but it only covers major cities.
Damn! I shouldn't have switched plans, but I've been thinking for a long time that I'm paying way too much for expensive coverage that I'm not using.

Oh well. The rumor is my carrier is up for sale, and it looks like it will happen. I'll probably get better coverage once that happens.

So here's the new phone, Nokia 3100. I have a Nokia 6162 before, and that phone lasted me about four years.

So I watched the Grammy's because his purpleness, Prince was going to be on. I'm so bummed that I still haven't seen him in concert. He is so cool, so beautiful and he can play his instrument really well too. Prince or maye it's the artist formerly known as Prince is the Bomb.

Thought the Beatle tribute band of Vince Gill, Dave Matthews, Sting, and that other person was a joke. They were the incarnation of a really, really bad lounge act.

Thought it was funny when the sound got all messed for Alicia Keys and Celine Dio. What was up with that?

Loved The Foo Fighters and Chick Corea playing together. Thought it was the best musical performance of the night, but I also really love that song.

Don't get why Justin Timberlake gets awards at all, but maybe it's because he's a white boy who does soul really well, I guess.

Missed the Outkcast performance because I started switching channels due to sheer boredom and got caught up watching "The Forsythe Saga 2" on PBS. I love the "Soames" character!

He looks like the ex that got away, with all that reddish brown hair. He kind of acted like him too, so I couldn't take my eyes off of him. They have the same reddish brown hair and hazel green/brown eyes. I'm having the ex that got away hauntings, and I hate it but I'm compelled by some unknown force to watch his lookalikes on TV whenever they appear.

I went to the sister church again this morning, and they were celebrating Boy Scout Sunday. I can't imagine this happening at my home church. The Boy Scouts would be way too politically incorrect. The sister church has had a relationship with a boy scout troup for 89 years and they're proud of it, as they should be.

The minister brought up the Janet Jackson superbowl halftime incident, and prefaced his statement by saying he knew the congregation wished he wasn't going to do it. People laughed.

He had a good sermon today, which was an answer to people who say "nature is their church". I was up in Tahoe with a boyfriend once, and he said as much to me.

He gave examples of situations where you have have to decide what to do and he said, "a tree can't help you decide what to do." That's where Janet Jackson came in. He said "a tree can't help you decide what to think about Janet Jackson's exposure if you felt outraged by it" or something like that.

The one thing the sister church isn't doing is preaching on the revised common lectionary like my home church. I thought the lectionary for 2004 was all about Luke.

So the new diet from ediets.com, which I started late Wednesday seems to be working. I stepped on the scale this morning and lost 3.5 pounds. It's probably just water weight, but what a great psychological boost.

The diet doesn't have a lot of options which works for right now, but I can see myself wanting more food options. I may break down and try weight watchers once I get bored with the ediets thing.

A friend bought Dr. Phil's book on eating, and thinks I need to read it. She is actually doing all the exercises and issues are coming up for her which is a good thing.

What I like about this new diet is that if I follow their meals plans, I feel stuffed when I eat. I like the feeling of feeling very full after eating. Something about that makes me feel good, like I've been really good to myself and stuffed my fat face with food.

What I don't like is that in between meals I'm really, really hungry. This is how I know I'm really cutting back on my calories. Which is a trip because when I eat a meal I feel good and it doesn't feel like dieting, but then two to three hours later I'm reminded that I am dieting.

And why do I have to feel like I've stuffed my face with food to feel good. What's up with that?

Sorry I haven't blogged in awhile. The job has been so stressful. I have a new boss, and now more responsibilities and I don't think I'm getting along with the new boss.

Nobody likes him. Everyone think he's not the brightest bulb on the tree, but he was promoted to VP so what do I know. He's a good talker, and a good sales guy and that counts for something I guess. Plus that Harvard MBA doesn't hurt either.

I hate job stress. Job stress makes you gain weight, and I know all my job stress these last four years have totally made me fat!

I don't see it getting any better either, so I'm going to have make some plans.

So I finally finished Chapter 9 of my novel and I'm reading it and thinking, "Yes indeed I am writing a love story." Check out the chapter ending.

"I looked at him straight in my eyes, fully surrendering in my mind my whole being to him. Raker leaned over and brushed his lips lightly against mine, acknowledging his victory and secretly smiling about the victory celebration that we both knew would happen later that night."

Sick isn't it? Sickey love story chapter ending.

Three more chapters to go. Chapter 10 is from the guy's POV, and that's the chapter they get it on and have some major WMS.

This novel is taking way too long to write. It's going to be around 200 typed pages I think. That's a lot of writing for me.

The December election doesn't seem that far away, but I've already received my democrat primary absentee ballot for the primary in March.

What a joy ... I get to vote for the democratic party nominee for the office of the President.

I think I'll wait until election day in March to vote, and just walk the ballot over to the local polling place.

I liked Wesley Clark, but he's a fading fast. I think the best ticket will be Kerry/Edwards, but Edwards says he won't take th VP spot. The rumors are flying now that perhaps General Wesley Clark entered the race to get the VP spot.

Kerry/Clark? Hmmmmmm ...

This is a great read on why San Francisco has the housing problems and the homeless population it does, A Tale Worth Retelling: When an elderly man left the city millions to build apartments for homeless old folks, neighbors tried to block the project. Fortunately, they failed.

The weight loss has been going way too slowly, so I got desperate and joined ediets.com. It's only $5 a week, although I had to pay for three months up front.

It's tailored so you can pick all kinds of weight plans, from Atkins to The Zone to Dr. Phil. They make it really easy if you're a convenience food eater, because there's a whole list of frozen foods you can eat. There's also a fast food option if you want that.

I've already found out I can eat two slices of Pizza Hut (there's one in the hood) Thin and Crispy pepperoni pizza and still follow their plan. I miss eating pizza!

I think my problem is I've been cheating way too much, and I've been in a diet rut. The ediets.com recommendation for me is to consume 1,200 - 1,300 calories a day if I'm a light exerciser. Exercising more will increase the calorie intake for the day.

I can cancel any time I want, so if I can't follow it I'll quit. I do like that you can substitute freely, and it has recipes if I feel like cooking.

Some political blogs that I've been reading lately remind me intensely why I dislike most indie films. They're too smug, too self congratulatory, too insider, and talk about self masturbation and self indulgence.

Some people like to read, or as in the case of films, see this kind of stuff. Thankfully, most people still like to read commentary and see films that are not only entertaining but actually have something very interesting, something of substance to say.

I took the car in for its 30K well baby care exam and just like a real child, car care is not cheap.

My huge tax refund is slowly being eaten up by unexpected bills. I guess it was too good to be true that I could get away with not having to fork over "real time cash" for my new entertainment devices.

I just want to stay on schedule for opening up my new cash maximizer savings account. I need another savings account that earns more interest! I'm becoming a big believer in the saying that "hordes of cash in the bank is a very good thing".

I've read a ton of blogs and news articles saying there is populist movement going on in the democratic party. Much of it driven, I think, by those people who are against the war in Iraq.

John Edwards' stump speech is about the "two americas". John Kerry spouts about those "special interests", and Howard Dean preaches his "Take Back the Power" drivel.

And I'm like I sort of relate and I can't relate. Most of it has to do with the fact that I agreed with Thomas Friedman and Christopher Hitchens in supporting the US led war with Iraq.

Howard Dean's "Take Back the Power" speeches don't mean a thing to me, because I don't feel like I've lost my power as a voter. Dean's rhetoric annoys me a little because the assumption is you as a voter either willingly or unwillingly gave your power away in the first place.

I vote. I've voted in practically every federal, state and local election since I was 18 years old. I read. I wasn't blindsided by the republican take over of the government. People have been writing about it, and trying to sound the alarm bell for years.

I think Dean appeals to people who didn't care enough to vote, or were so cynical they didn't want to or gave away their vote because they didn't think in the long it mattered. They gave away their power by not voting, by not staying informed, and by thinking their vote wasn't worth anything and threw it away when it really mattered. And now they're mad and upset, and I'm supposed to care.

Kerry's speeches are about "special interests" make a little bit more sense, but I'm a cynic and if it's not business' special interests it's somebody else's and everybody wants things their way without compromise. Decisions from either side are never about what would be good for the whole country, but what would be good for my group.

John Edwards' "two americas" speeches make the most sense. It's the closest to class warfare, and I totally despise the notion of "class warfare", but there are definitely people out there who a have a ton and people out there who don't have much at all, with the middle still trying to figure which side they belong on.

I feel like I'm in the middle in every thing. I was for the war, but think the handling of everything from the reasons to the war itself, and to the post war activities were very badly handled by the Bush administration.

I'm cynical about "special interests" because either extreme only seems to care about their own groups, and to hell with everybody else.

And I can't decide if I'm really poor and have no hope and am too stupid to know it, or if there's still a chance for me to get the things I want in life. Because in my reality, in my little world, I have achieved many of the things I've wanted in life so far. And I like to stay positive which means I'm going to think I'll keep achieving my goals.

Sure I've had disappointments in my life, who hasn't? But I've had many more successes than disappointments so far, and I don't expect that to stop.

Maybe I'm just fooling myself, or maybe I'm a victim of what is popularly called "lowered expectations", I don't know. I'm still a happy camper, I like being a happy camper, and I see no reason to change my outlook.

I got behind in my reading as usual, but I managed to read three books in January.

"Golf in the Kingdom" by Michael Murphy
"Mystic River" by Dennis Lehane
"James and the Giant Peach" by Roald Dahl (picked this book up at a garage sale and it looked like a fun short read, besides loved the movie version!)

For February my reading list books are:

"A Thousand Acres" by Jane Smiley
"Midnight's Children" by Salman Rushdie
"Silas Mariner" by George Eliot

And if I'm lucky I'll get through Poet and Peasant through Peasant Eyes: A Literary-Cultural Approach to the Parables of Luke by Kenneth E. Bailey. The writing is very dry and it's hard to get through.

"Kenneth Bailey draws on more than twenty years of experience with Middle Eastern peasant culture in his study of the literary structure and cultural milieu of sixteen of Jesus' most significant parables as they are recorded in Luke. "

I think the conservative movement became so popular because it appeals to people's common sense. I made myself listen to Rush Limbaugh, and I mean really listen. I wanted to find out why this guy is so popular.

Rush appeals most of the time to common sense. I found myself listening, and if I wasn't really thinking too much about what he was really saying and taking his ideas to their logical conclusion, and agreeing with him.

He appeals to your common sense, if you don't think too deeply about what he's saying. He's funny, he's witty, he has funny nicknames for people, he's entertaining, and most of all he doesn't make you feel stupid when he talks to you.

Democrats do something different. They don't appeal to common sense, they take the moral high ground. I go to church every Sunday and listen to sermons, and sometimes I have to tell you most democrats sound like they're preaching to me.

And I'm like, wait a minute, if I want to be preached to about doing the right thing I go to my church. That's what a church sermon is about. So when I hear a preachy type speech coming out of a politician's mouth, it kind of annoys me.

I don't know. Maybe they're trying to imitate Martin Luther King Jr, but the guy was not a politician. Dr. King was a baptist preacher. If they wanted to really emulate Dr. King, politicians who preach should become preachers and should stay out of politics.

Plus, taking the moral high ground is dicey. Not to mention, it sounds so fake coming out of the mouth of somebody who is not a preacher, minister or priest.

Maybe I'm biased because I go to church and I get preached to every Sunday, and perhaps they're trying to appeal to people who don't do the church thing. But if the demos appealed to people's common sense more, I think they'd find that they will appeal to more people.

I go to church and all, but most of the time common sense trumps morality every time.

Interesting essay from Robert B. Reich in the NY Times on the Democractic party, The Dead Center.

I don't buy into Howard Dean's populist rhetoric, so for me there's no reform movement. Whatever happened to Bill Clinton's democratic rhetoric? I loved his stuff.

My college alma mater makes the NY Times for sports, Grinnell's Unusual Style Leads Nation in Scoring.

Favorite superbowl ads:

Sony - the cute guy getting excited over the TV system

McDonalds - the husband hitting on his wife after he accidentally throws a McDonalds wrapper in dryer. So gross but very funny.

NFL Network - Jerry Jones, Bill Parcells and various NFL players (the losers) singing "The Sun will come up tomorrow" from Annie. Still my favorite spot.

NFL.com - some kind of ad spot about advertising with the NFL and one of the sports announcer saying "Being rich is muy bueno". What was that about?

Nextel - the race car driver scoring a touchdown with his car on the football field.

AOL - the guy going on his motor cycle and saying he came back from the Renaissance. How funny is that and that outfit.

Budweiser - wrong lipstick ad

Bud Light - Cedric bikini wax

Check this site out from IFfilms to replay most of the superbowl 2004 ads.

So when Justin Timberlake ripped Janet Jackson's shirt off, and we glimpsed her breast I thought it was deliberate and she wearing a pasty over her nipple.

I had no idea that was I was seeing was the real thing. Oooops!

No wonder Phil Simms and and Brian Gumbel were very disturbed and made all those nasty comments about the half time show.

Honestly, I thought they were trying to compete with the lingere bowl on pay per view.

Check out The Drudge Report for what she was really showing. It's very odd looking.

So the folkloric tale out there is that if the AFC wins the Superbowl, then the markets go down and it's a bad year economically. If the NFC wins, then the economy goes like gangbusters.

My favourite stockmarket futurist said the Dow will go up to 12,000 in 2004, so he predicted that the Carolina Panthers would win the Superbowl. I wonder what he'll say now that they've lost.

The guy has got a heck of a stock market stock hit rate, so I'm hoping the market will go up anyway despite the fact that New England won.

I'm thinking index funds will be worth buying now since the Dow is at 10,000. Once the Dow goes up to 12,000 better to sell and get out, then to take a loss. No way will the Dow be able to sustain 12,000 for very long.