Somehow I did it again. I wrote a long piece about my day, hit the wrong button and now it's gone. It was a damned fine piece of wriitng too. I think I'm going to have write my pieces in Word first and then transfer it back to blogger when I'm done.

This is the third time this happened and everytime, I'm sure I pressed the Post and Publish button. I guess no one is supposed to read my very good and intimate thoughts about my life, but just the boring and banal ones. It's like a curse, I swear.

And now I'm too tired to remember what I wrote, not that it matters anyway because I know I'll never be able to recreate it again in the same way. It's a curse, I swear it's a curse.

I may try again later, I supposed. Damn! I had a whole thing about reading through old newspapers and getting depressed and media hype, A&E Biography and hyped perfect lives and real unhappy lives underneath. And then wondering what my five plants would say if they could talk.

Well, that was most of it, the shortened version at least. I've got come up with a better process for writing my blogs than straight into blogger page because the way I'm doing it now is not working for me at all. God, I love the freedom of just typing into blogger though because then it's all like one giant, stream of consciousness thought, free write, mess. I have this vision that if I start in Word, I'll want to polish and rewrite and it's won't be this vomiting of feeling, stream of concsciousness ala Viriginia Woolf diatribe about my life.

But it's happened three times now. Is is a sign from god to not write out my most freakiest intimate thoughts on the Net or is a sign to just do it in Word as a fail safe in case clumsy stupid me hits the damned wrong button again. God, I don't know. It's a toss up either way. But three times. Three is such a biblical number! I'll try the Word first process and see how that works out. Damn! Sometimes I really do hate technology.

I watched 'On Golden Pond' tonight. It's an old movie from the 80's but I'd never seen it. Jane Fonda looked so 80's with her winged hair. Katherine Hepburn had that disease, Parkinson's I think, where your head shakes from side to side all the time. And Henry Fonda looked so old and was so doddering. Was he acting or was it real?

I can't imagine what it's like to be old. It's bad enough growing old now, I can't imagine what it would be like to be 70 or even 80 years old. I have no desire to live to a ripe old age. I know a friend who swore he was going to live till 105 and was looking forward to it. Not me.

To tell you the truth, I'm afraid of growing old. From what I've seen, it's not a fun experience. You're on so much medication, you can barely walk and your mind starts to deteriorate. But if you're one of the lucky ones, you're still strong, you're still fit and lucid. I once watched a 90 year old japanese woman chop a tree once when I was 13 years old. It was awesome. Somehow I don't think I shall be as healthy as that woman. She died in her sleep when she was 97. I've always wondered what she thought of life. She lived in an old dirty run down house on the edge of the town I grew up in and my mother, who was a social worker, was visiting her. That's when I watched her chop a tree from the car; a frail and thin looking, white haired, wrinkled japanese woman with a big axe. The axe looked too heavy for her to even pick up, but that old woman was strong. And her outfit. She was wearing a 60's style polyester white dress with small blue flowers, a navy blue sweater, that ugly brown support hose and thick soled black shoes. The outlines of old woman's body completely disappeared in the folds of dress like she was some stick doll.

I don't know why I still remember her so vividly after all these years, but I still love the thought that she could chop a tree at 90, that she was so strong and from a generation where women weren't tuaght to be strong. I liked that she lived all alone at the edge of town, in a small run down house. Did she have any children? Did she have a husband once? Or did she grow old all alone? Was she strong because she was that way inside or did she grow strong out of necessity and out of loneliness? I wish I knew. I wished I had asked my mom what her story was. Maybe I did, but I don't remember any of it now. I wonder if I will be as strong in my old age like that woman was. I wonder if I will end up as a memory in some other young girl's mind, a memory that will haunt her all her days as this woman's image has haunted mine.

First day of new eating program. I feel like I'm eating the way I used to in my younger days. Rice cakes, popcorn, lots and lots of popcorn, cereals that have no taste but lots of crunch and no candy. Too bad I gave up drinking diet pepsi because then I would have my complete way of eating from my 20's.

I saw the review of Blithe Spirit in the Chron today. The review was exactly my sentiments exactly. The little man was there just sitting in his chair. I've been agreeing with the Chron on theatre reviews these last few months and I'm surprised. I usually never agree with any theatre review of theirs. Maybe they've changed reviewers. Or maybe enough people complained and they finally are writing intelligent theatre reviews.

My flu symptoms showed up at work today. My throat was very scratchy and I kept coughing and sneezing all day. Maybe this is a real flu and not just cleansing symptoms. It doesn't feel like any flu I've ever had before though, where I'm usually as sick as a dog. This flu seems to come and go, which is strange.

I'm watching KTEH right now. Some show about the origins of Sherlock Holmes. What's so strange is they're producing a Tony Hillerman mystery and it's the one Hillerman book I've read. I'm beginning to believe there are no coincidences in my life anymore. Everything happens for a reason.

At Costco today while I was standing in the checkout line, a woman started telling me how the broccoli she bought there last week smelled really bad. I picked my bag and it did smell. The checker guy said he bought a bag of broccoli there and it went bad in a week. The woman convinced me not to buy it, so I didn't. Strange isn't it?

Then I saw a duckie couple twice. Once at work and then again while I leaving Costco. I love duckie couples, especially mallard green head ducks and their mates. They're my good luck symbol. Ducks mate for life and I'm hoping this is a sign that my soul partner is going to come soon. Earlier I saw a robin on the tree outside my window at work. I love robins. They are a sign of spring, hope and renewal. It's all good signs I hope.

Musings on the O Brother Where art Thou Soundtrack

I'm in a better mood today, thank God. I woke up with a scratchy throat, and when I spat out the mucous was yellowish. Still, I don't think I have the flu because when I get to work it disappears.

I'm listening to the 2001 Grammy Record of the Year, the 'O Brother, Where art Thou?" soundtrack, which I bought several months ago. I must have been a hillbilly chick in a former life because I totally love this kind of music. It's either that or it's all those episodes of that country music show Hee Haw that I watched as a child. I have vague memories of Minnie Pearl with her hat with the price tag hanging off the brim and Buck Owens and lots of hay bales and horses.

The movie itself was so fun. I made the mistake of watching it in Marin County instead of SF. I spent the whole time laughing during the movie and if I had been in SF, there would be other people laughing. In Marin, it was so silent you could hear a pin drop. I have to watch movies in SF, because here I have the same sense of humor as most of the people in the audience. It's the not same outside the city proper.

I noticed this phenomenon when I watched Shakespeare in Love in SF and then in Redwood City, which is on the Peninsula. In the SF viewing, you could hardly hear the movie because people were laughing at every other line. In Redwood City, the movie maybe got three laughs.

Whoever did the cinematography for O Brother is a genius. The colours were lush and it made the south look so beautiful. Woody Allen did the same thing with NYC with Bullets over Broadway and Broadway Danny Rose. NYC looked so unbelievable stunning in those two movies. If you didn't know anything about NYC, you might even feel inclined to move there because it was so clean and pretty. I haven't been to NYC since 1991 and friends tell me Guiliani cleaned it up and made it look like NYC Disneyland for the tourists. I find that hard to believe, but I'll reserve judgement till I see it for myself. NYC is such an old city, that unless they built new buildings, I don't see how they can make it look brand spanking new.

The funniest part of O Brother was when the KKK was dancing. I don't know what it was about that scene that was funny, but I just burst out laughing. I thought the Coen brothers made an interesting political statement about the South and our two political parties. The Democrats sold the South out, selling their new deal politics, when they were just as bad and sometimes even worse than the republican southerners. Alot of longtime southern democrats, including democratic blacks became republicans because of what the democratic party did, and who can blame them?

I'm starting on a new eating program to go along with my fungal and parasite cleanse. This new way of eating is supposed to starve the yeasties and the parasites so they never come back. I have to go off sugar of any kind, including fruit and anything that has mold in it like peanut butter. I found this new eating prgram on the Net from a woman who was taking the same parasite killing formula I am. She dropped five sizes in about three months.

I don't even care if I lose that much weight, I just want these evil fungals and parasites out of my body. My stupid parasites are so ungrateful. They had such a good deal, you know, living in my body. They had all the junk food they could eat. I 'm a total chocaholic, so they got all the sugar they wanted. But they had to go and spoil it and ruin my health. Now, I'm determined to be rid of them.

I was reading more about candida die-off reactions on the Net today, and I found out that the candida yeasties make you crave food that they want to eat. I was totally craving peanut butter last night and the candida love peanut butter. Those stupid green fungal parasites are controlling my life and it makes me mad. No one controls me, especially my eating. I refuse to be controlled by a green mold living inside of my pancreas and stomach lining.

I refused to let myself be controlled by speed, and then by alcohol and I'm sure as hell not going to let fbombing green parasitic molds control my life. God, it's like so rude for those little critters to try to control me, the host. I was so damned mad today. I vowed to root their butts out of my system. I'm going to break my addiction to sugar and carbos. I should be able to do this. I've had far worse addictions than sugar and carbos.

Take for instance speed. In my wild youth, I never felt comfortable unless I had 30 hits of speed on my at all times. Why 30 hits? I never knew, but I had to have 30 hits of pharmaceutical grade speed on me at all times. But when I crashed and got sick for a month and couldn't hold a teacup without shaking, I gave up speed.

I did the same thing with my ciggiliciouses. Okay, when I'm with my friend who smokes, I have a ciggie, but only then. It's not like I'm buying a pack on my own. I only smoke ciggies when I'm with very close friends who smoke or when I get too wasted at a party. And it's conditioning and habit, not addiction.

I also gave up booze, another abused substance of mine. Greg used to talk about how it wasn't good that after a fun drinking weekend, we'd both get moody, nasty and had violent headaches by Wednesdays, not to mention major anxiety fits. And I was okay with that for a long time. I could avoid the three day anxieity attacks as long as I kept my blood alcohol levels up. If you've ever wondered why your friends are sometimes so moody and crank? Well, it's because they're off their schedules and not keeping their levels up. If you're going to drink heavily, you've got to do it intelligently and keep your blood alcohol level at an even keel. If you do that, you don't get moody, you don't get cranky and best of all you don't get those scary anxiety attacks. So what if I couldn't go more than three days without a drink? At least it was still three days and not one day. I have standards. I was never a binge drinker. I drank socially all the time, that's all. And besides, Greg and I used to joke about gettng our reservations ready for our stay at Betty Ford, so it wasn't like I didn't know I was a closet alcoholic.

I only I gave up booze was because I didn't want to be beholden to that brown liquid in a glass bottle. I didn't like thinking that a liquid in a brown bottle had that much control over my life. And my anxieity attacks were so happening so often, I had to give it up. I was at a point, where I was so afraid to leave my house. I mean, who wants to live like that, right? So I gave booze up slowly and now I can go forever without a drink and not care. Having to drive to work helped too I must admit. I just hated driving hungover in that bad south 280/101 traffic every morning.

So if I can give up speed (still my favorite stimulant after all these years), ciggiliciouses and booze, I can certainly give up sugar and carbos for 40 days or however long it takes to get rid of my evil ungrateful candida yeasties.