There are so many strange things going on in the world right now. I blame those planets that are aligning in the sky. Think abou it. In all the movies, scifi and non-scifi, where the planets aligned themselves, it was always considered a bad omen. Nothing ever good came out of planetary alignments. We're just like the cave people, cowering in our homes instead of our caves, waiting for the next disaster to befall on our world, all because of these planetary alignments. It's nuts!

I'm so bummed. This radio station that I liked Z95.7 FM has changed to some bad 70's classic rock music station. God, how boring. There was a report in the Contra Costa Times that on Tuesday, all the deejays from Z95.7 got let go. Like we need another make me fall asleep classic rock music station in the Bay Area.

I check the radio station ratings on this website called rronline.com and here's the latest top 14 radio stations in the SF/Bay Area, which is the fourth largest market after NYC, LA and Chicago.

1. KGO - news talk radio - I listen to this station during the day - best talk show hosts, liberal view point.
2. KOIT - sappy pop songs, but good if you're in that kind of mood.
3. KCBS - news talk radio, has the most frequent traffic reports.
4. KSFO - news talk radio, conservative view point, home of Art Bell.
5. KYLD - wild 94.9, total hip hop 24/7 - gangsta rap bootie music, some alt rock thrown in
6. KDFC - classical music, okay I listen to this station alot when I write.
7. KMEL - hip hop 24/7 - more gangsta rap bootie music, their hip hop is a little edgier
8. KFRC - total oldies, but nothing past 1980, mostly 50's and 60 music
9. KSOL - hispanic - love the spanish versions of pop songs
10. KFOG - classic rock adult contemporary, makes me totally fall asleep when I listen to it, sad too because I used to listen to this radio station alot but they play way too many 70's and 80's rock anthems and they make me feel like an oldie, even the blues music they play isn't all that great - too much bayou and not enough chitown electric, and what the hell happened to the Grateful Dead Hour, the only great thing they've got is 10 at 10.
11. KKSF - total elevator music, although they call it smooth jazz, more like music as SOMA, only Delta and Epsilons types from Brave New world will listen to this station
12. KBLX - adult urban contemporary, they play Anita Baker way too many times and not enough Al Green
13. K101 - not sure what their identity is because they keep switching, but I think they now play 80's and 90's hits
14. KITS - Live 105 - a personal favorite since forever!

I remember reading an article in the Bay Guardian a few years back about how radio stations took hip hop to the suburbs. I guess it's true. After all the oldie but goodies stations, the most listened to music is hip/hop, although I think it's now considered just popular music.

Still, I will miss Z95.7 because they played all the sickie hits from the likes of people like Britney Spears and Backstreet Boys and Nsync. Where else are you going listen to Top 40 type music, which is so great for driving home from work.

I'm listening to KYLD now, which SFGate calls Urban Top 40. It's not too bad. They're playing a song by that rapper from St. Louis called Nelly and I actually like him and even bought his first CD. I guess I'll get used to losing that other top 40 station. Still, it's such a bummer. Just don't take away Live 105, which I've been listening to since I moved here. Where else am I going to hear power chords and angst filled music?

I saw Spider Man last night and totally loved it. The critics were right though, the special effects weren't that great. You could tell some of it was so computer generated and not really Tobey Maguire jumping from building to building. But the flying with the web sequences were great. Then there were those Matrix-esque moves which were great. Still, The Matrix had better special effects I think because of the interesting camera angles and the nature of computer generated Matrix world.

And it looks I'll get to enjoy Spider Man twice because I double booked myself for the movie. I forgot I promised my friend Kevin that we would go and when he called last night, I didn't have th heart to tell him I had already made plans to go and see Spider Man with my girlfriends in Redwood City on Friday. And now I'm too chicken to tell my girlfriends that I've already seen the movie because they were willing to wait till this Friday to see it with me. What to do.

Now that I've finished my screenplay and can get back to normal life, I think I'm going to overload myself on watching movies. If I want to be a movie screenwriter, I think I need to watch as many movies as I can stand. I want to see Dennis Quaid in The Rookie and there's a good double feature at the Balboa with Lantana and The Royal Tennebaums. But it's only Wednesday and the movie schedules change sometime on Thursday, so who knows what movies I'll be watching this weekend.

I also want to get back to other writing pieces. There's that novel that I start in November, that play I started in 1998, that short story I finished a month ago that needs to be edited and my two new stories about a shopping center carnival and my violin playing drug popping 19 year old boy who paints half his face white and half his face black and plays violin divinely in Washington Square Park.

And unlike wriitng screenplays at my pc at home, I can take my baby laptop and write my stories anywhere. This is definitely a good thing.

I don't know if I ever want to fall in love again. I got news today that my boyfriend from nine years ago died in his sleep over the weekend. He was only 41 years old and so very young. God, I really loved that man. He was so sweet. He had a heart of gold and I knew he would never ever intentionally hurt me. But god, he was so damaged. So messed up in the head. So full of nightmares and demons and ghosts that even huge amounts of alcohol couldn't keep them away. I still remember how he used to wake up in a cold sweat from nightmares every night, nightmares that he refused to talk to me about.

He drank himself to death. He was already doing that nine years ago when I met him. But I was so stupid and young back then. I thought he was so much fun, so the party hardy although older frat boy. Being with him was like being back in college. That is until I woke up three months after we started going out and realized my life and apartment was a mess. We drank between us three big bottles of alcohol every week. We would start on Friday and keep going through to Saturday and Sunday night I would crawl back to my apartment completely hung over and wiped out.

My life revolved around drinking with him and having sex with him, punctuated by episodes of mushroom and acid or any other drugs that he could obtain for us. He was so much fun. He reminded me so much of college.

Until we started getting kicked out of clubs because he was too drunk. Or better yet, they wouldn't let us through the door because he was so lit up. Then came the episodes of him falling down drunk too many times on the sidewalk or me dragging him into his apartment because he'd fallen down drunk in his doorway or that one awful time the bartenders at Gordon Biersch begged me to take him home because he had fallen asleep at the bar.

He and our relationship was unraveling before my very eyes. And I was unraveling too. He tried to stop drinking sometimes, but it was so hard. By the second day, he was so damned mean to me. By day three I'd make him a drink and give it to him begging him to drink so he would stop being mean and stop yelling and cussing at me. I don't think he ever forgave me for making him drink on day 3.

I went to a meeting of Al Anon once and there I was surrounded by women or men who would hide the booze from their loved one and I wanted to get up and yell, but if they don't drink they're such jerks. What's wrong with giving them a drink and having some peace in the house and relationship. I never back to Al Anon.

I begged him once and dragged him to my therapist. He would pretend to resist me, but he would always do whatever I said. He was always good that way. My therapist told me at my next session by myself if I was prepared to go through a dry out period with him. Was I prepared for the fact that if he stopped drinking he might not love me anymore. Was I prepared to stop drinking? Was I prepared for the fact that if he did sober up, he might become a totally different person.

Her questions stung me. I realized in that session that I didn't love him enought to want him sober. I mean I loved him, but I was afraid that if he went straight he'd stop loving me. And I couldn't face that, not after what I would have had to go through to get him to that point.

And so I left him after six months and leaving him was the hardest thing. Despite all the bullshit, despite all the crap he put us through, I never lost sight of what a great guy he was underneath but I knew that if I stayed with him, he would eventually die sooner than later. He told me he never wanted to outlive his parents. He would hold me in his arms in the beginning and tell me we were twins. He told me a month after we broke up that he glad I had left him because he lived his life on the edge and I didn't. He told me I wanted a spouse and kids and he didn't want any of that. He told me sometimes he just wanted to die. He told me that he'd had a death wish for a long time. He told me that he didn't want to ever hurt me and being with him would eventually hurt me.

I guess he was right in a way and wrong. I'm hurting now because he's gone. And death is like this really messed and strange thing because I know I'll never talk to him again. I think he just gave up. I think he just got tired of living on the edge, of the nightly nightmares, of the demons and memories that haunted him, I think his spirit and soul just gave up because they were so tired.

And all I have left are my good memories of us together like when we watched Grand Canyon and he started crying. Like how much he hated that I sang Puff the Magic Dragon to him in bed but he let me do it anyway. How he loved it when I called him HR Puff N Stuff. How much fun we had on our trip to Death Valley and how he dared me take off my shirt and ride topless in the covertible, which I did because I knew he would love it. How much he really listened to me when I analyzed movies for him. How I Ioved the way he smelled and how just getting a whiff of him made me me want to jump him and start taking off my clothes. How often I just wanted to slam him up against a wall, take off his clothes and let my mouth make him feel really, really good and big smile to his beautiful face. God, and just how much fun we had just laughing and having a good time, especially in the beginning when we were so into each other and we would spend hours together just laughing and watching TV.

But maybe you only get to love like that once in your life, quickly, passionately and tragically. At least that's what I hope because I know I don't ever want to feel this kind of hurt in my life ever again.