So, it's definitely a Mercury Retrograde because I'm sitting in my office waiting till I can go pick up my car. The car guy said I could have my car betwween 5:30 and 8 pm and I just thought he was saying that to cover his ass. But no, I call him at 5 pm and he says my car will be ready at 8 pm. The car people didn't even work on my car all day. What if they find something seriously wrong with it its 20K well baby care appointment? If they do, they only have three hours to work on it. God, how unorganized. I tried not to get mad though because there was just obviously some huge old miscommunication, but still damn!

I was supposed to see my friend in her stage reading at the Exit Theatre. It was going to be her and female who's who in the SF Bay Area theatre world. Like any chick who's got any kind of game in the world of theatre is in this reading. And here I am typing a post in blogger in my office.

And to add insult to injury, it looks like it's going to rain while I'm out waiting for the bus. God, life is just so unfair sometimes.

I wished I brought my little laptop to work. I could have have gone to the mall and hung out and worked on my Shopping Center Carnival story.

This stupid mercury retrograde. And it's about to get even worse.

There's supposed to be some historic Saturn Pluto opposition on May 26. "Strict Saturn in Gemini opposing transformative Pluto in Sagittarius has been in effect since the end of last July. This is an aspect of extreme structural realignment which occurs about every 35 years. The last time it occurred was in 1965-66, the time before that in 1931. Those were both times of extreme social change. And here we are again." - This is from a website I found.

The word out on the all the conspiracy websites is something is supposed to happen on May 26. Is that why they keep talking about future terrorists attacks on the news? Some people have said that if there is an attack, it will be on Memorial Day and that an attack like that will send the stock market crashing with the Nasdaq going down to 1400 level. The markets don't stay down and will come back up, but I just don't think we can take another attack. Maybe the people in Israel are used to it, but not us. Some people also say that the next attack will happen to Washington DC. Is that why Cheney can never been seen? God, I have friends that live there. This sounds terrible, but hopefully the terrorist attack, if there is any, is nothing more than a suicide bomber and not a 9/11 thing.

But who knows? Are they warning us to prepare us? Or are they really credible threats out there? And I'm like DAMN! We can send a man to the moon but we can't round up terrorsts? We can build a space station but we can't guard our country against crazy extremists who just want to blow themselves and others up.

The world is going crazy and I feel afraid and it's not like I don't know why.

I've spent the whole night trying to figure out how to configure my LG Phenom to connect to my ISP provider. At finally, at almost 1 am, I've done it. YEAH!!! I'm typing this post while connected to my baby laptop.

I spent all of Saturday in this seminar taught by world renowned futurist Sean David Morton. I'll have to write more on that later. It was very intense and he opened two chakras for me. I thought there were only 7, but now they're 12. The two he opened are locarted on the back of my shoulders. When he did it, he said it was really cool. And afterwards, he said I had huge wings. This made me happy somehow, to have huge wingie thingies. Whatever they are. I think I just like the fact that most people have only 10 chakras unless you get some point in your back specifically opened. I have 12 chakras and that is so cool. It's made me happy anyway, and you have to grateful for somethng that makes you happy.

On Sunday, I went to church and then to a seminar on fashion, which was so much fun. The only thing now is I'm dying to totally redo my wardrobe, something I can afford but don't want to do right now. This seminar made me realize how slobbed out I've become, which is sad since I used to be known as quite fashionable. Well conservative, but still fashionable. Now I'm just a computer slob nerd. Very bad.

A crush has turned into a friendship. It's funny how things work out that way. Oh well. I love having cutie male friends.

I'm starting to stress out about the spiritual remote viewing course I'm taking tomorrow with futurist Sean David Morton. I went to a party Thursday night and got really drunk. I'll have to do a mini lemonade cleanse tonight to flush the toxins out of my body. I want to be a good frame of mind and in good health on Saturday.

I think I'm stressing out about the course because I'm like, what if his technique. What if it really is possible to remote view events from the past, present and future? I could remote view specific events in my life and the life of my family. I'm even starting to wonder if I could remote view past, present and future events for other people. What a trip! But then I start thinking that what if remote view a tragic event in my life or someone else's. Is possible to alter the future, now that you know what it is. I do have this belief that certain events in your life are set in stone and you can't really change them. You can delay them maybe, but eventually they will have to take place.

It's really too much to think about. I'm expecting to have my mind completely blown, something that rarely happens to me ever. I hope it's a fun blowout.

I tried to write my short story which I'm calling 'Shopping Center Carnival". It was hard. My character is a 13 year old girl with an alcoholic dad and shell shocked mom. They're poor and I think at 13 years old, it's really traumatic to be poor because that's the age you really get caught up in the money thing, if it doesn't hit you sooner. Scratch that. It does hit you sooner, but it's like you're not quite aware of the significance of your status until you hit adolescence.

Then for some reason, writing it made me sad. This character has the most wretched circumstances. My own childhood wasn't this bad, but that's how the character is coming out. It's all really depressing. I'm also listening to Ultra by Depeche Mode, so maybe I'm adding to my own misery. Maybe I need to play happier music.

I think love is a funny thing. Sometimes you're so into and it 's such a blast and such a trip and other times, it's like "ehh, whatever". I had a friend Karl and he said he could be in a couple as long as he had alot of down time and alone time. I'm wondering if I'm the say way. I went out last night and now I just feel this intense need to cocoon and be alone, to listen to my own thoughts and to block out everybody else's.

Well, at least I did write a littlie bit. I may have to start frequenting cafes again. When I wrote in cafes, I wrote alot because I felt like I needed to write something to justify my existence for benig in a cafe, on a school night when I could be at home, listening to my cds or watching TV.

I wonder if I'm too practical to fall in love. I keep thinking if it's not easy and stress free, I totally don't want anything to do with it. Love should be easy and everything should fall into place, like you're in the zone or something. And right now, there's alot of struggle and stress going on and I hate that. This is not a good sign.

I was reading my horoscope today and it said I'm the type of person, who won't get involved in a relationship unless I'm successful in some way. That sounds so true for me. I know part of me thinks that I'm like totally worthless unless I'm a published and well paid author, and I won't be able to think about falling in love and bieng in a relationship till this happens. Which means of course I'm doomed and fucked, because it might not ever happen.

It's funny to me. People in my writing class think I'm disciplined, but I'm really not, at least not how I'd like be discplined anyway.

Sometimes writing is so hard. How do you trust the voice that's speaking to you and telling you a story? Sometimes character start stories and never finish them. It's hard to tell whether you're getting a whole story or just a snippet or a life.

I feel very sad too, like something has happened to one of my friends or will happen. I don't get that anything will happen to me, but that something will happen, something not that great, for one of my friends. I just can't tell who. Sometimes I hate that I get intuitive flashes. Like how do you know if they're true? How do you know you're not like Russell Crowe in that movie, A Beautiful Mind", and talking to yourself and having one big delusion.

God, I so related to that part of the movie. Sometimes I feel like I'm living on a huge delusion and all of my friends know it but won't tell me. It's a terrible feeling.