I just finished writing the first seven scenes of my screenplay. Starting is hard, but once I do start, I'm fine. My goal is to write 30 scenes by Sunday, so 7 scenes down and 23 more to go.

I'll write a review for La Boheme tomorrow.

I haven't been in a writing mood lately, so it's been hard to know what to write. I've been in an odd mood lately, but maybe it's the almost full moon that's affecting my mood.

I've been doing a lot of thinking about writing, and what it's supposed to mean to me. I guess I'm not liking what I'm discovering. I think having gifts can very cruel. There are some people who would give their right arm to have a gift that other people have. And just because you have a gift doesn't mean life becomes any easier. And who's to say if you have a gift anyway, because sometimes it sure doesn't look like it. Other people tell you have a gift, and really that's the only way you know, because you sure as hell can't tell for yourself. And what if you don't really have a gift, but you make it because you're driven.

I think I'm a little driven sometimes, although I'm not sure why. I've just been this way about everything for a long time. Something inside drives me, and right now I don't like the fact that I am so driven. Being driven has so many drawbacks. I'm starting to think that if I wasn't so driven, my life would be so different. But I can't stop this feeling I have to strive. It's odd.

If I'm not driving myself I get depressed, but when I stop striving I still get depressed. It'shard to explain. Sometimes I think I write because I'm ambitious and I'm driven. I do enjoy writing, but I think I only enjoy wriitng because I'm good at it.

I don't know. I think I'm just going through some weird exercise in mental and spiritual gymnastics right now. I wish I could stop writing. Just give up and never care. But I can't do that without feeling tremendous guilt that I'm letting myself down. So no matter what I do, it seems I lose and this sense of loss is an awful feeling. Like no matter how I proceed in life, I will never escape this sense of loss. Do other people feel this way? Nobody ever talks about it and I feel really alone right now, and I'm not used to feeling this lonely.

This is probably not making any sense at all, and I've been feeling this way since Friday. Crazy isn't it?

I'm seeing Baz Luhrmann's La Boheme tonight. It should be fun, and I do love opera. I'm also having dinner at restaurant with a friend beforehand, but I'm going to be good and will try not to eat too many fattening foods.

I stepped on the scale earlier this week, and I think I will be on track to lose 2 pounds, so I've got to keep the momentum of my weight loss going.

I've had a headache all day. It's probably stress from my screenplay. I rewrote the version 3 of the outline, and incorporated many of the suggestions from the screenwriting group last night.

I just have to resign myself to the fact, that it's going to take more than a few rewrites to get my screenplay to the point that I really like it. I think this is now the 7th draft outline I've written for it. I wrote 3 draft outlines prior to the first original draft screenplay. And that first draft was really the fourth outline because the story changed as I was writing it.

So now I'm on third draft outline again, and the second draft of the screenplay will probably be the 8th outline. Rewriting is just wild, really wild, and so damned time consuming and hard, hard work. Big sigh!!! Gggrrrr!!!!